Anyone tried for some time to get over a spouse’s infidelity and you just couldn’t?

[Anonymous]

It's the best advice. Adultery is not a crime. It's a painful action that good people can and do engage in. For me to forgive my wife, I'm getting my own action. NowI do not see myself as superior than her. That's the only way we can move forward.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having your own affair or front is the best way to get over your partner’s indiscretion. Don’t tell them, just do it.
Then, you no longer have the moral high ground and can more easily empathize with them and forgive. If you hold yourself out as a saint because you didn’t cheat, good luck having your partner stick around.

This is such a wrong advise. If you get robbed or burglarized, would going robbing someone makes you feel better? If you were raped as a child, would sexually assaulting another child cure the trauma? Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

Weird response. I had a career and did very well. I’m not worried about that. You’re oddly hostile.

HAD

Never to be had again.

Ok listen I would rather not reveal too much but your assumptions are way off. My husband and I both come from money. It’s crass to put it that way, but that’s the reality of the situation. We also have considerable shared assets. We have individual trusts that are protected and money is not a part of this equation in any form. I also am far from materialistic so it’s just not a big concern and yes I’m fully aware of how privileged it is to have that form of freedom.

In terms of career, I’m well educated and I have served on several boards and likely would start a non profit in my particular area of interest and expertise. I have been active in that arena for some time. Again, I’m fully aware that having that option is not typical.

But people like you are a dime a dozen in this area and I’m just being honest. A non working SAHM on a board is a crumb given to you by family friends. It doesn’t matter how educated you are or how many connections you have. If you haven’t worked for decades any “career” you have is a hobby job, you provide little value. Hobby jobs are fine but they are not careers. Stop being obtuse.

You have money you don’t need a career to boost your ego or even a job, enjoy your hobby job but don’t try to convince strangers on the internet it’s something it’s not.

Most disturbing is the amount of lying you are doing TO YOURSELF.

You’re a 50 yo SAHM… you have money, an unfaithful husband, and successful kids.

Plain and simple … it’s not more complicated than that.

But you feel like a fool, you gave up any real career, you’re more embarrassing than mad he banged someone, he threw you under the bus, one day you’ll be at your kids wedding and he will be with someone else, those are the things to work on in therapy not this “getting over the affair” idea.

And if you stop being so sanctimonious you could actually work on those things and stop spinning your wheels.

NP. It takes a special kind of psychopath to make a woman’s reaction to her husband’s affair all about her shortcomings …

Nobody is doing that in this post.

It’s advising her to focus on what is actually bothering her in therapy, not the affair.

She needs to be realistic about how to move forward

[Anonymous]

Why not start the nonprofit anyway? Or return to work? You may not need the money but maybe you need something new and interesting to absorb some of your focus. And then if you do decide to leave you’ll have that already going. The new project/job/outlook may change the relationship dynamic a little too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

Weird response. I had a career and did very well. I’m not worried about that. You’re oddly hostile.

HAD

Never to be had again.

Ok listen I would rather not reveal too much but your assumptions are way off. My husband and I both come from money. It’s crass to put it that way, but that’s the reality of the situation. We also have considerable shared assets. We have individual trusts that are protected and money is not a part of this equation in any form. I also am far from materialistic so it’s just not a big concern and yes I’m fully aware of how privileged it is to have that form of freedom.

In terms of career, I’m well educated and I have served on several boards and likely would start a non profit in my particular area of interest and expertise. I have been active in that arena for some time. Again, I’m fully aware that having that option is not typical.

But people like you are a dime a dozen in this area and I’m just being honest. A non working SAHM on a board is a crumb given to you by family friends. It doesn’t matter how educated you are or how many connections you have. If you haven’t worked for decades any “career” you have is a hobby job, you provide little value. Hobby jobs are fine but they are not careers. Stop being obtuse.

You have money you don’t need a career to boost your ego or even a job, enjoy your hobby job but don’t try to convince strangers on the internet it’s something it’s not.

Most disturbing is the amount of lying you are doing TO YOURSELF.

You’re a 50 yo SAHM… you have money, an unfaithful husband, and successful kids.

Plain and simple … it’s not more complicated than that.

But you feel like a fool, you gave up any real career, you’re more embarrassing than mad he banged someone, he threw you under the bus, one day you’ll be at your kids wedding and he will be with someone else, those are the things to work on in therapy not this “getting over the affair” idea.

And if you stop being so sanctimonious you could actually work on those things and stop spinning your wheels.

NP. It takes a special kind of psychopath to make a woman’s reaction to her husband’s affair all about her shortcomings …

Seriously. Very strange. And missing where the sanctimony is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

Weird response. I had a career and did very well. I’m not worried about that. You’re oddly hostile.

HAD

Never to be had again.

Ok listen I would rather not reveal too much but your assumptions are way off. My husband and I both come from money. It’s crass to put it that way, but that’s the reality of the situation. We also have considerable shared assets. We have individual trusts that are protected and money is not a part of this equation in any form. I also am far from materialistic so it’s just not a big concern and yes I’m fully aware of how privileged it is to have that form of freedom.

In terms of career, I’m well educated and I have served on several boards and likely would start a non profit in my particular area of interest and expertise. I have been active in that arena for some time. Again, I’m fully aware that having that option is not typical.

But people like you are a dime a dozen in this area and I’m just being honest. A non working SAHM on a board is a crumb given to you by family friends. It doesn’t matter how educated you are or how many connections you have. If you haven’t worked for decades any “career” you have is a hobby job, you provide little value. Hobby jobs are fine but they are not careers. Stop being obtuse.

You have money you don’t need a career to boost your ego or even a job, enjoy your hobby job but don’t try to convince strangers on the internet it’s something it’s not.

Most disturbing is the amount of lying you are doing TO YOURSELF.

You’re a 50 yo SAHM… you have money, an unfaithful husband, and successful kids.

Plain and simple … it’s not more complicated than that.

But you feel like a fool, you gave up any real career, you’re more embarrassing than mad he banged someone, he threw you under the bus, one day you’ll be at your kids wedding and he will be with someone else, those are the things to work on in therapy not this “getting over the affair” idea.

And if you stop being so sanctimonious you could actually work on those things and stop spinning your wheels.

NP. It takes a special kind of psychopath to make a woman’s reaction to her husband’s affair all about her shortcomings …

Nobody is doing that in this post.

It’s advising her to focus on what is actually bothering her in therapy, not the affair.

She needs to be realistic about how to move forward

the AFFAIR is what’s bothering her. obviously. to everyone except you somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

Weird response. I had a career and did very well. I’m not worried about that. You’re oddly hostile.

HAD

Never to be had again.

Ok listen I would rather not reveal too much but your assumptions are way off. My husband and I both come from money. It’s crass to put it that way, but that’s the reality of the situation. We also have considerable shared assets. We have individual trusts that are protected and money is not a part of this equation in any form. I also am far from materialistic so it’s just not a big concern and yes I’m fully aware of how privileged it is to have that form of freedom.

In terms of career, I’m well educated and I have served on several boards and likely would start a non profit in my particular area of interest and expertise. I have been active in that arena for some time. Again, I’m fully aware that having that option is not typical.

But people like you are a dime a dozen in this area and I’m just being honest. A non working SAHM on a board is a crumb given to you by family friends. It doesn’t matter how educated you are or how many connections you have. If you haven’t worked for decades any “career” you have is a hobby job, you provide little value. Hobby jobs are fine but they are not careers. Stop being obtuse.

You have money you don’t need a career to boost your ego or even a job, enjoy your hobby job but don’t try to convince strangers on the internet it’s something it’s not.

Most disturbing is the amount of lying you are doing TO YOURSELF.

You’re a 50 yo SAHM… you have money, an unfaithful husband, and successful kids.

Plain and simple … it’s not more complicated than that.

But you feel like a fool, you gave up any real career, you’re more embarrassing than mad he banged someone, he threw you under the bus, one day you’ll be at your kids wedding and he will be with someone else, those are the things to work on in therapy not this “getting over the affair” idea.

And if you stop being so sanctimonious you could actually work on those things and stop spinning your wheels.

NP. It takes a special kind of psychopath to make a woman’s reaction to her husband’s affair all about her shortcomings …

Nobody is doing that in this post.

It’s advising her to focus on what is actually bothering her in therapy, not the affair.

She needs to be realistic about how to move forward

the AFFAIR is what’s bothering her. obviously. to everyone except you somehow.

Is it?

Or is it the fear of future affairs?
Or the feeling of being a fool?
Or the regret of giving up <fill in the blank>

Sure the affair sucks but you can’t go to therapy and have it magically disappear… you go deal with what?

The fact you have to recreate your life.

[Anonymous]

My father was serially unfaithful and also emotionally abusive and my mother finally separated from him. This was in the 90s. I remember her saying he would never change. I recently visited him and heard him yelling at his partner. Not sure if he is faithful, but he in fact never did change. It is hard, but I don’t think I could stay in this situation. There is always that doubt.