Anyone tried for some time to get over a spouse’s infidelity and you just couldn’t?
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Anonymous
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I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to get to the other side. I’ve really tried, done a ton of work, as has he, and many times I feel happy and even that we are in a much better place than before the affair.
However, the nagging doubts that he will be faithful long term. The anger at being cast aside, the grief that I’ll never be able to say I had a faithful husband/marriage, the worry that the aging process will inevitably mean he wants someone younger, etc. I do not really know how to move through all of that. And when will the bad dreams and intrusive thoughts, and comparing stop? How to handle women openly being flirtatious toward him even if I’m there? (This one floors me- and it’s definitely not my imagination) FWIW we are in our 50s and kids in college. My husband is very attractive, fit, and successful. I had a good career then stayed at home with the kids and supported his very intense career with a lot of work travel. Just to flesh out the dynamic a bit. Yes, I’m in therapy. Advice welcome from others who’ve been in similar situations. |
Anonymous
| Divorce him. |
Anonymous
The thing is that doesn’t really solve some of the above. Intrusive thoughts and dreams, grief over unfaithful marriage, etc but I understand what you’re saying in that the worry about what he will do would be eliminated |
Anonymous
| It took me 3.5 years. 12 years later, we’re very happily married. |
Anonymous
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TBH, I hate the trope of "she was never able to get over it". We would never say of a victim of physical abuse who chose to leave "she couldn't get over it".
Infidelity is a serious form of intimate partner abuse. It encompasses multiple forms of emotional abuse - lying, gaslighting, manipulation, blaming and minimizing. where the victim partner had bargained for monogamy and continues sex (knowingly or unknowingly), infidelity is also a kind of sexual abuse- a violation of sexual informed consent. Many women experience Complex PTSD as a result of the betrayal trauma discovering infidelity and living through the confusing aftermath of gaslighting, minimizing, blaming and trickle truthing. What OP describes - nightmares, flashbacks, ruminations, intrusive thoughts, etc. are classic PTSD symptoms and OP should be seeing a psychiatrist and individual therapist for treatment and support. Personally, no I couldn't "get over it". My ex begged to remain in a relationship with me but generally demonstrated little understanding of why he cheated or how he would not cheat in the future (beyond me being with him 24/7). I wanted to be a wife not a warden. I wanted to live with an equal partner not a perpetrator of abuse. If my daughter came to me with the story I lived through, I would advise her to get out ASAP, and I took the advice I would have given her for myself. I would never want to model that my kids stay with an abuser. Abusive behavior doesn't simply disappear. I never spoke a word about what their dad did to me, but over the years, they sadly found out for themselves that he was a self-absorbed man, lacking in empathy, who was unable to prioritize others or be honest. Thankfully, neither the kids nor I had to live with that any longer and we could build a safe, loving, trusting home ourselves. |
Anonymous
| If you choose to stay, please do so with an ironclad post-nup and redistribution of what is presently an equitable split in marital assets with half in your name. If he is unwilling to do that, it says an enormous amount about his respect, trust and commitment towards you. |
Anonymous
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First of all there are plenty of victims of DV and physical abuse who do not get over it. More often than not their lives and children’s lives are permanently affected, especially in what the have to sacrifice to leave and the opportunity cost of what they could have had by marrying someone else.
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Anonymous
| OP try not to make it worse with fear about thi things you’re only imagining about the future, that haven’t happened. |
Anonymous
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As you probably realize, there is no ideal option at this point. You can stay, with all the problems you list, or you can leave, which will bring with it a different set of problems, some of which you may not even fully appreciate until confronted with them (financial, living arrangement, kids, alone-ness, etc.). The option of having a perfect marriage and total trust is gone for you no matter what.
It's hard--the choice at this point is intensely individual. It comes down to your preferences, your situation, what you value, your resources, how much you like day to day life with your husband, and a ton of other factors only you have insight into. Neither is going to be what you had before. But I do think it will get easier in time. You don't say how long it has been. |
Anonymous
| I don't put that much effort into forgiving betrayal. |
Anonymous
This. I would work on other things in life and in your marriage and just expect it will happen again. People are a creature of habit. I'd just learn to live or not live with a person who does this. |
Anonymous
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Ask them:
What did you tell yourself to give permission to treat me as horribly as you did for as long as you did? If they can’t answer it they haven’t done the work and they don’t deserve you. If they can’t answer it you are in nothing but a rug sweeping relationship, it’s hollow and pointless. See what he says. |
Anonymous
I applaud you for having the courage to share your story. And your worries are valid. For instance a man is more likely to leave his wife for a younger woman. My friend did so. The good news though you couldn't have Stopped him. Most of us live in our heads most of the time. We don't know what others are thinking in their deep thoughts. As much as I hate to recommend that you divorce him because I don't know your circumstances, I think you may be better off alone for sometime. You sound like a good woman..And there aren't a lot of good men and women around. So when and if you want to date again you do have an advantage because there are men looking for good and faithful women. There are not many of them so the men looking for women like you will hold on to you. |
Anonymous
| Why do men believe in their ability to recover financially post divorce but women do not despite the fact that child support and/or spousal support will be there? It seems to me that women are more likely to be hesitant because of finances. Men believe they will recover. I read about all these very successful high earning women yet they are still worried about finances post divorce I don't get it. My ex wife earned more than me but I did not hesitate a single minute to divorce her and I didn't seem spousal support from her either. Post divorce I challenged myself to make a lot money and right now I make more than she will probably ever make. I learned new skills, did an online MBA and networked like crazy. We have 50/50 custody but I take our twin to their swimming clubs and travel with them to competitions. I attend as much events as possible for them. She probably attended 10% of such events since we divorced because she is always busy with work. So I am honestly puzzled about this worry that women have about finances post divorce. Can someone shed some lights? |
Anonymous
| I'm in the same exact boat except I'm in my mid 30s with 2 kids. We are 2 years out from discovery and I just don't know if I can do it. It makes me feel heartbroken for our little kids so I've stayed thus far. |