Anyone tried for some time to get over a spouse’s infidelity and you just couldn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

Weird response. I had a career and did very well. I’m not worried about that. You’re oddly hostile.

HAD

Never to be had again.

Ok listen I would rather not reveal too much but your assumptions are way off. My husband and I both come from money. It’s crass to put it that way, but that’s the reality of the situation. We also have considerable shared assets. We have individual trusts that are protected and money is not a part of this equation in any form. I also am far from materialistic so it’s just not a big concern and yes I’m fully aware of how privileged it is to have that form of freedom.

In terms of career, I’m well educated and I have served on several boards and likely would start a non profit in my particular area of interest and expertise. I have been active in that arena for some time. Again, I’m fully aware that having that option is not typical.

But people like you are a dime a dozen in this area and I’m just being honest. A non working SAHM on a board is a crumb given to you by family friends. It doesn’t matter how educated you are or how many connections you have. If you haven’t worked for decades any “career” you have is a hobby job, you provide little value. Hobby jobs are fine but they are not careers. Stop being obtuse.

You have money you don’t need a career to boost your ego or even a job, enjoy your hobby job but don’t try to convince strangers on the internet it’s something it’s not.

Most disturbing is the amount of lying you are doing TO YOURSELF.

You’re a 50 yo SAHM… you have money, an unfaithful husband, and successful kids.

Plain and simple … it’s not more complicated than that.

But you feel like a fool, you gave up any real career, you’re more embarrassing than mad he banged someone, he threw you under the bus, one day you’ll be at your kids wedding and he will be with someone else, those are the things to work on in therapy not this “getting over the affair” idea.

And if you stop being so sanctimonious you could actually work on those things and stop spinning your wheels.

[Anonymous]

Having your own affair or front is the best way to get over your partner’s indiscretion. Don’t tell them, just do it.
Then, you no longer have the moral high ground and can more easily empathize with them and forgive. If you hold yourself out as a saint because you didn’t cheat, good luck having your partner stick around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to get to the other side. I’ve really tried, done a ton of work, as has he, and many times I feel happy and even that we are in a much better place than before the affair.

However, the nagging doubts that he will be faithful long term. The anger at being cast aside, the grief that I’ll never be able to say I had a faithful husband/marriage, the worry that the aging process will inevitably mean he wants someone younger, etc. I do not really know how to move through all of that. And when will the bad dreams and intrusive thoughts, and comparing stop? How to handle women openly being flirtatious toward him even if I’m there? (This one floors me- and it’s definitely not my imagination) FWIW we are in our 50s and kids in college. My husband is very attractive, fit, and successful. I had a good career then stayed at home with the kids and supported his very intense career with a lot of work travel. Just to flesh out the dynamic a bit.


Yes, I’m in therapy.

Advice welcome from others who’ve been in similar situations.

This is exactly me, word for word, except that my kids are still in high school. How do you relax when your attractive, successful husband travels and is surrounded by beautiful, smart, younger women all the time...and he has shown he is capable of straying once? He thinks we are happier than we have ever been, but inside, I'm not at peace.

[Anonymous]

There is a reason why adultery is a deadly sin. It carries so many negative consequences for all parties and society prefers not to talk about how it will affect people's lives for generations. Same with abortion. Women being lied to about what happening to woman's body and mind for years after abortion. Once we start educating our children about the consequences of adultery, the world will be a better place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having your own affair or front is the best way to get over your partner’s indiscretion. Don’t tell them, just do it.
Then, you no longer have the moral high ground and can more easily empathize with them and forgive. If you hold yourself out as a saint because you didn’t cheat, good luck having your partner stick around.

This is such a wrong advise. If you get robbed or burglarized, would going robbing someone makes you feel better? If you were raped as a child, would sexually assaulting another child cure the trauma? Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having your own affair or front is the best way to get over your partner’s indiscretion. Don’t tell them, just do it.
Then, you no longer have the moral high ground and can more easily empathize with them and forgive. If you hold yourself out as a saint because you didn’t cheat, good luck having your partner stick around.

This is such a wrong advise. If you get robbed or burglarized, would going robbing someone makes you feel better? If you were raped as a child, would sexually assaulting another child cure the trauma? Absolutely not.

Disagree. Half the time I’m convinced the DW is simply jealous. She gave up her career and identity. Her DH has a successful career, busy life and sex on the side. She’s jealous.

DW needs to have some fun. Get a lover and have some hot sex.

It will also help her relax and realize it’s just sex and not something to blow a family and finances over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a reason why adultery is a deadly sin. It carries so many negative consequences for all parties and society prefers not to talk about how it will affect people's lives for generations. Same with abortion. Women being lied to about what happening to woman's body and mind for years after abortion. Once we start educating our children about the consequences of adultery, the world will be a better place.

Abortion is absolutely not in the same category whatsoever. Most women who chose abortion do not regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having your own affair or front is the best way to get over your partner’s indiscretion. Don’t tell them, just do it.
Then, you no longer have the moral high ground and can more easily empathize with them and forgive. If you hold yourself out as a saint because you didn’t cheat, good luck having your partner stick around.

This is such a wrong advise. If you get robbed or burglarized, would going robbing someone makes you feel better? If you were raped as a child, would sexually assaulting another child cure the trauma? Absolutely not.

Disagree. Half the time I’m convinced the DW is simply jealous. She gave up her career and identity. Her DH has a successful career, busy life and sex on the side. She’s jealous.

DW needs to have some fun. Get a lover and have some hot sex.

It will also help her relax and realize it’s just sex and not something to blow a family and finances over.

“You’ll be treated like s**t and if you decide to blow up the family and finances that’s on you”. See the problem here?

[Anonymous]

Fun yes to get over self-esteem issues. Conducting abuse no. Then she'd feel even worse that it happened to her and she did it to someone else. The answer isn't justifying abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

Weird response. I had a career and did very well. I’m not worried about that. You’re oddly hostile.

HAD

Never to be had again.

Ok listen I would rather not reveal too much but your assumptions are way off. My husband and I both come from money. It’s crass to put it that way, but that’s the reality of the situation. We also have considerable shared assets. We have individual trusts that are protected and money is not a part of this equation in any form. I also am far from materialistic so it’s just not a big concern and yes I’m fully aware of how privileged it is to have that form of freedom.

In terms of career, I’m well educated and I have served on several boards and likely would start a non profit in my particular area of interest and expertise. I have been active in that arena for some time. Again, I’m fully aware that having that option is not typical.

But people like you are a dime a dozen in this area and I’m just being honest. A non working SAHM on a board is a crumb given to you by family friends. It doesn’t matter how educated you are or how many connections you have. If you haven’t worked for decades any “career” you have is a hobby job, you provide little value. Hobby jobs are fine but they are not careers. Stop being obtuse.

You have money you don’t need a career to boost your ego or even a job, enjoy your hobby job but don’t try to convince strangers on the internet it’s something it’s not.

Most disturbing is the amount of lying you are doing TO YOURSELF.

You’re a 50 yo SAHM… you have money, an unfaithful husband, and successful kids.

Plain and simple … it’s not more complicated than that.

But you feel like a fool, you gave up any real career, you’re more embarrassing than mad he banged someone, he threw you under the bus, one day you’ll be at your kids wedding and he will be with someone else, those are the things to work on in therapy not this “getting over the affair” idea.

And if you stop being so sanctimonious you could actually work on those things and stop spinning your wheels.

NP. It takes a special kind of psychopath to make a woman’s reaction to her husband’s affair all about her shortcomings …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having your own affair or front is the best way to get over your partner’s indiscretion. Don’t tell them, just do it.
Then, you no longer have the moral high ground and can more easily empathize with them and forgive. If you hold yourself out as a saint because you didn’t cheat, good luck having your partner stick around.

This is such a wrong advise. If you get robbed or burglarized, would going robbing someone makes you feel better? If you were raped as a child, would sexually assaulting another child cure the trauma? Absolutely not.

wow. get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having your own affair or front is the best way to get over your partner’s indiscretion. Don’t tell them, just do it.
Then, you no longer have the moral high ground and can more easily empathize with them and forgive. If you hold yourself out as a saint because you didn’t cheat, good luck having your partner stick around.

This is such a wrong advise. If you get robbed or burglarized, would going robbing someone makes you feel better? If you were raped as a child, would sexually assaulting another child cure the trauma? Absolutely not.

Disagree. Half the time I’m convinced the DW is simply jealous. She gave up her career and identity. Her DH has a successful career, busy life and sex on the side. She’s jealous.

DW needs to have some fun. Get a lover and have some hot sex.

It will also help her relax and realize it’s just sex and not something to blow a family and finances over.

I don’t disagree but most DW just do not have the same opportunity. We’re ground down physically by years of being the default parent. We don’t get the same opportunities for business travel. We do more childcare so we cannot just disappear for the night. And perhaps most importantly, most men are not actually that attuned to female pleasure so the odds of picking someone up for what we consider to be “good sex” are much lower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fun yes to get over self-esteem issues. Conducting abuse no. Then she'd feel even worse that it happened to her and she did it to someone else. The answer isn't justifying abuse.

what “abuse”? having a fling after your partner had an affair? that’s not abuse. it may not be the most mature response but come one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to get to the other side. I’ve really tried, done a ton of work, as has he, and many times I feel happy and even that we are in a much better place than before the affair.

However, the nagging doubts that he will be faithful long term. The anger at being cast aside, the grief that I’ll never be able to say I had a faithful husband/marriage, the worry that the aging process will inevitably mean he wants someone younger, etc. I do not really know how to move through all of that. And when will the bad dreams and intrusive thoughts, and comparing stop? How to handle women openly being flirtatious toward him even if I’m there? (This one floors me- and it’s definitely not my imagination) FWIW we are in our 50s and kids in college. My husband is very attractive, fit, and successful. I had a good career then stayed at home with the kids and supported his very intense career with a lot of work travel. Just to flesh out the dynamic a bit.


Yes, I’m in therapy.

Advice welcome from others who’ve been in similar situations.

This is exactly me, word for word, except that my kids are still in high school. How do you relax when your attractive, successful husband travels and is surrounded by beautiful, smart, younger women all the time...and he has shown he is capable of straying once? He thinks we are happier than we have ever been, but inside, I'm not at peace.

The peace comes from knowing you will be OK no matter what. You have to work on the PTSD that wants you to be on high alert at all times -- therapy, yoga, meditation. Infidelity can strike any relationship, especially with attractive and successful partners; what we had before was a false sense of security. But plenty of people have remarried someone they deemed "safer" only to be cheated on again. You have to assess your situation for what it is . . . has your husband gone to therapy, made changes, etc.? Is he someone who is comfortable cutting corners, telling lies, etc.? Does he surround himself with people with good morals, or are his friends kind of meh?

So you make an informed decision, for now. You can make a different decision in the future if the information changes. There are no guarantees in life, but you can love and trust yourself deeply, and you can have peace from the knowledge that you will be OK no matter what.

[Anonymous]

OP have you tried EMDR for the trauma symptoms you describe? I went through an extremely painful betrayal and two sessions were life changing for me. The nightmares and hyper vigilance are gone. Ruminating also far less.

I’m so sorry you are struggling.