Do you think the popular girls tend to have the popular moms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also from the Netherlands, and I will say that parents are much more involved and invested then I've seen in dutch schools.

But the involvement is often not about supporting their children but rather engineering their lives to guarantee certain success (including social success).

The upshot are s that these kids wind up much less independent and sure if themselves (supposedly American qualities).

I think a balance is ideal: invested but with boundaries, giving space to grow but not totally detached.

This is spot on. There are too many of the same types of mothers who want to social engineer. But you are doing the right thing- this is a great teachable moment for your daughter. She will find those who are authentic and those will be the true friendships that are self-reinforcing.

[Anonymous]

No. I have very popular siblings (superlatives in high school) and my mom was not popular at all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also from Europe and these cliques were hard for me to see. As someone more down to earth, I found the rich American parenting scene extremely off-putting, intense, and the kids reflected the parents' intensity by being very competitive. We ended up moving to an area with many foreign parents and less wealth.

+1

I’m an immigrant and had exactly the same impressions.

Please. Plenty of non American parents/families are WAY more competitive than the American ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I have very popular siblings (superlatives in high school) and my mom was not popular at all

Same. I don’t even know the parents at my child’s middle school, other than the ones of the kids mine is friends with. No idea how popular my kids or their friends’ parents are. What makes a parent popular? And if they are not popular, who is- no idea. Parents don’t volunteer for anything in middle school and there are no functions that parents also attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also from Europe and these cliques were hard for me to see. As someone more down to earth, I found the rich American parenting scene extremely off-putting, intense, and the kids reflected the parents' intensity by being very competitive. We ended up moving to an area with many foreign parents and less wealth.

+1

I’m an immigrant and had exactly the same impressions.

Please. Plenty of non American parents/families are WAY more competitive than the American ones.

+1
To the point that occasionally the post here include how to manicure your kid to fit some WASPy stereotype. Mostly they are just how to compete for college. Go read the college form of the threads about TJ, most of these are foreigners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I have very popular siblings (superlatives in high school) and my mom was not popular at all

Same. I don’t even know the parents at my child’s middle school, other than the ones of the kids mine is friends with. No idea how popular my kids or their friends’ parents are. What makes a parent popular? And if they are not popular, who is- no idea. Parents don’t volunteer for anything in middle school and there are no functions that parents also attend.

Clearly you are not at a wealthy private school. If you were you'd know who the popular parents are by attending a gala or donor dinner or something like that. Your kids can tell you who the popular kids are. 1+1=2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I have very popular siblings (superlatives in high school) and my mom was not popular at all

Same. I don’t even know the parents at my child’s middle school, other than the ones of the kids mine is friends with. No idea how popular my kids or their friends’ parents are. What makes a parent popular? And if they are not popular, who is- no idea. Parents don’t volunteer for anything in middle school and there are no functions that parents also attend.

Clearly you are not at a wealthy private school. If you were you'd know who the popular parents are by attending a gala or donor dinner or something like that. Your kids can tell you who the popular kids are. 1+1=2

Clearly.

[Anonymous]

My DS17 is popular and my DD15 is not. I know all my son's friends' moms and none of my daughters. I am not a drinker or partier so am invited but don't participate in any socializing, but it is obvious I am invited because of him. FYI, I was the nerd in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, generally that’s how it works.

Not always. Having two very different daughters, one was always the popular girl since preschool and the other awkward and not popular. Same mother. Me.

Some of the mothers were cartoonish in their quests to make their child popular. One mother had decked out her basement with everything a teen could want including alcohol. The popular kids came but for one reason only. They could sleep over and sneak out with no problems.

I would discourage your daughters to seek out friends based on popularity. The girls fight over boys and can be mean. Find some friends who share their interests.

[Anonymous]

The number of posters from Holland in this thread is impressive.

[Anonymous]

By high school a lot of this evens out.

I have two high school kids at snobby DC privates. You can imagine which schools.

-many socially alpha people have socially alpha kids. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
-other alpha parents do not. They can't force other teens to include their kid. At some point (around 9th grade) personality and charisma take over.

We are NOT cool but our kids are what I would call "popular adjacent." They are invited to all popular kid parties so we are invited to many as well. But they are not the 5 kids in their grades who are leaders of the pack. BTW, their social standing is driven entirely by them. It used to drive my husband nuts when perceived them chasing after the popular crowd or even being part of the popular of this group (he was a proud geek in high school). But you get what you get in terms of teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By high school a lot of this evens out.

I have two high school kids at snobby DC privates. You can imagine which schools.

-many socially alpha people have socially alpha kids. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
-other alpha parents do not. They can't force other teens to include their kid. At some point (around 9th grade) personality and charisma take over.

We are NOT cool but our kids are what I would call "popular adjacent." They are invited to all popular kid parties so we are invited to many as well. But they are not the 5 kids in their grades who are leaders of the pack. BTW, their social standing is driven entirely by them. It used to drive my husband nuts when perceived them chasing after the popular crowd or even being part of the popular of this group (he was a proud geek in high school). But you get what you get in terms of teens.

No.

[Anonymous]

What’s an example of popular names?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Private school subculture. Specifically.

Certain private schools' subculture, not all.

OP, you stepped into a very specific world, and, ironically, it is likely, unwittingly, why you picked the school. When private high schools get a reputation as "the best, most prestigious, etc.," it is generally because it has this subculture and is all about these same people. People who know this generally choose other schools. So your daughter is not wrong about wanting to switch out of that culture, but I understand your reason for wanting her to stick with it. I would just make sure you let he know that her instinct is correct, so she doesn't start doubting that very important warning system in her gut, but let he know that there are many ways to respond to that instinct.

[Anonymous]

There are other kids your daughters can be friends with besides the popular girls. They are part of the problem if they won’t branch out.