Do you think the popular girls tend to have the popular moms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Charismatic outgoing “alpha” kids have existed since the dawn of time. A lot of it is genetic/nature but of course this can also be shaped/nurtured too by established parent friend groups and sports.

No.

You never saw a new kid at school immediately enter the popular clique? What do those kids possess? Their parents don’t train them for day 1 of new school where they don’t know a soul, they simply have it factor.

That was my daughter. These girls attached themselves to her on day one in 4th grade. When they had teacher conferences I asked about her new friends because I suspected one of them was not very nice. She told me they were the popular girls without comment. Then she went on to give me names of some nice girls my daughter might want to hang out with.

For the next two grades she had male teachers. Both of them called me specifically to discuss her friends. They both said that my daughter was never any trouble and is nice to everyone but the company she keeps is not great. The teachers said being associated with these girls would have some people thinking that she was just like them and she wasn’t.

I was so happy when the meanest moved far away in 7th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having to try to fit in/wear the right clothes/have the right ECs, care about where people are going on vacations. That sounds miserable AF.

Yeah, in our school popular girls all dress the same, it’s like a Lululemon uniform, carry Stanleys, color their hair blond.

Only certain sports are accepted volleyball and tennis. They belong to the same sorority. They go to the same “high society” balls, like debutant ball.

Their families go to the same island for vacation.

You must live in the south where no one leaves and every goes to State U, then returns home to nanny or work with Dad.

Yes, exactly that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having to try to fit in/wear the right clothes/have the right ECs, care about where people are going on vacations. That sounds miserable AF.

Yeah, in our school popular girls all dress the same, it’s like a Lululemon uniform, carry Stanleys, color their hair blond.

Only certain sports are accepted volleyball and tennis. They belong to the same sorority. They go to the same “high society” balls, like debutant ball.

Their families go to the same island for vacation.

+2

[Anonymous]

My DD goes to a small private school with lots of cliques and will be going to Public next year. It’s very telling that the mom of the most popular 9th grader went to high school with the mom of the most popular 8th grader and that those girls have been hanging out together since elementary.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, common in the DC private-school world.

For us, it started around 3rd grade. A few moms put their girls--and only their girls--together for playdates, Halloween, sleepovers, soccer. They did not participate in those things with anyone else. Then it got even more blatant, as some moms had their girls ditch the all-grade post-cotillion parties for separate gatherings. The moms then posted the separate gatherings all over Instagram. This continues into the upper grades, and it's very icky and weird to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Charismatic outgoing “alpha” kids have existed since the dawn of time. A lot of it is genetic/nature but of course this can also be shaped/nurtured too by established parent friend groups and sports.

At our kids’ private the “popular” parent group has quite a few alums who’ve known each other for decades and they all seem to live in the same two neighborhoods. If you dug a little deeper, probably a lot of overlap with college alma mater too, maybe even professional network. Even second vacation homes in the same area. Naturally their kids all hang out and all went to the same one or two feeder primary schools.

I don’t understand why so many people get on DCUM and ridicule such parents and their kids. This is all perfectly normal and organic sorting. It’s quite arrogant to think you and your kid(s) can just show up and penetrate such an established friend group.

you sound like a mean girl without a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We are a rich immigrant family and my kids have always been included. My boys are very athletic and my daughter has always been super social.

What is the point you are trying to make? Than you can be a rich immigrant and popular?

No, I’m saying if you are an athletic boy, you can be popular and included. If you are social and well liked, you can also be popular. I’m not part of any mom social scene of my kids’ parents. We do live in a 15,000sf house and kids often come and go.

WTF?

Do you live in Winchester or something? No one has 15,000sf in DC proper.

[Anonymous]

Yes. But I don’t think it’s the conspiracy people make it out to be. For the record I am not a “popular mom” nor do I care to be, but I run in some circles that are adjacent to popular moms and I was in a sorority in college so I think I “get” them.

Outgoing, extroverted people who enjoy making friends and socializing tend to marry other outgoing, extroverted people - and they produce outgoing, extroverted offspring.

Attractive people tend to marry other attractive people and produce attractive offspring.

Attractive people who are social and outgoing tend to get positive attention for those traits and it becomes a feedback loop where they make an effort with their looks and seek social situations to get more attention.

Kids who grow up in a house where their parents are social, host parties, and have a lot of friends pick up on social cues by observing their parents - and thus are better at making small talk, hosting, organizing a group activity.

People gravitate towards other people who are attractive, friendly, and have suggestions for activities. These cruise director types can come off as bossy or controlling in children who are still navigating the social nuances of who to include, how to invite people, etc.

Maybe some of these popular moms and popular girls are mean or exclusionary out of insecurity or a desire to manipulate group dynamics to maintain power or control - but I think most of the time they are not conniving.
They are just self-centered and oblivious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Charismatic outgoing “alpha” kids have existed since the dawn of time. A lot of it is genetic/nature but of course this can also be shaped/nurtured too by established parent friend groups and sports.

At our kids’ private the “popular” parent group has quite a few alums who’ve known each other for decades and they all seem to live in the same two neighborhoods. If you dug a little deeper, probably a lot of overlap with college alma mater too, maybe even professional network. Even second vacation homes in the same area. Naturally their kids all hang out and all went to the same one or two feeder primary schools.

I don’t understand why so many people get on DCUM and ridicule such parents and their kids. This is all perfectly normal and organic sorting. It’s quite arrogant to think you and your kid(s) can just show up and penetrate such an established friend group.

you sound like a mean girl without a job.

I don't think is sounds like a mean girl without a job. But I do think is sounds incestuous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is an American thing in a small private school with a smaller class size and people with money.

Not typical in big American public schools.

+1
And honestly I think you are being naive to how miserable your daughter is while she is repeatedly trying to tell you with her pleas to change schools.
You are paying thousands of dollars to negatively impact your DDs mental health. You are a good mom who wants the best education for your child. So surely that’s not what you intend to do by sending her into this environment every day—but you are. She’s telling you it’s toxic for her. She’s telling you repeatedly, as you and your husband downplay her emotional wellness in favor of the prestige.
It might be time to listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Charismatic outgoing “alpha” kids have existed since the dawn of time. A lot of it is genetic/nature but of course this can also be shaped/nurtured too by established parent friend groups and sports.

At our kids’ private the “popular” parent group has quite a few alums who’ve known each other for decades and they all seem to live in the same two neighborhoods. If you dug a little deeper, probably a lot of overlap with college alma mater too, maybe even professional network. Even second vacation homes in the same area. Naturally their kids all hang out and all went to the same one or two feeder primary schools.

I don’t understand why so many people get on DCUM and ridicule such parents and their kids. This is all perfectly normal and organic sorting. It’s quite arrogant to think you and your kid(s) can just show up and penetrate such an established friend group.

you sound like a mean girl without a job.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, common in the DC private-school world.

For us, it started around 3rd grade. A few moms put their girls--and only their girls--together for playdates, Halloween, sleepovers, soccer. They did not participate in those things with anyone else. Then it got even more blatant, as some moms had their girls ditch the all-grade post-cotillion parties for separate gatherings. The moms then posted the separate gatherings all over Instagram. This continues into the upper grades, and it's very icky and weird to watch.

Resources and space are finite. You can’t invite an entire class or grade or school building to every event. And there are only so many open roster spots in a sports team. There are only so many kids you have tutored in a pod by one tutor. You’re seeing a methodical mean girl conspiracy when it’s really just scarce resources. How many parties do you throw and invite your kid’s entire class?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. But I don’t think it’s the conspiracy people make it out to be. For the record I am not a “popular mom” nor do I care to be, but I run in some circles that are adjacent to popular moms and I was in a sorority in college so I think I “get” them.

Outgoing, extroverted people who enjoy making friends and socializing tend to marry other outgoing, extroverted people - and they produce outgoing, extroverted offspring.

Attractive people tend to marry other attractive people and produce attractive offspring.

Attractive people who are social and outgoing tend to get positive attention for those traits and it becomes a feedback loop where they make an effort with their looks and seek social situations to get more attention.

Kids who grow up in a house where their parents are social, host parties, and have a lot of friends pick up on social cues by observing their parents - and thus are better at making small talk, hosting, organizing a group activity.

People gravitate towards other people who are attractive, friendly, and have suggestions for activities. These cruise director types can come off as bossy or controlling in children who are still navigating the social nuances of who to include, how to invite people, etc.

Maybe some of these popular moms and popular girls are mean or exclusionary out of insecurity or a desire to manipulate group dynamics to maintain power or control - but I think most of the time they are not conniving.
They are just self-centered and oblivious.

Well put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD goes to a small private school with lots of cliques and will be going to Public next year. It’s very telling that the mom of the most popular 9th grader went to high school with the mom of the most popular 8th grader and that those girls have been hanging out together since elementary.

Why are you framing being a legacy as a bad thing? It means alums graduate and cherish the experience and school and want that for their children.

[Anonymous]

No one cares if all the softball girls hang out together, or all the Science Olympiad kids hang out together, or the theatre kids, or the band kids, or the furries, etc. So what makes the “popular” girls mean for hanging out together? They cannot include everyone, no group can. Just find the people that want to hang out with you. It isn’t hard. And it isn’t mean.