Parental help with strings attached

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, because you sound flaky. Parent here. "Flaky" is an exaggeration but it's the easiest way to make my point. You don't have a concrete plan. You "might" do this, or that. If you were already IN this other HCOL and had been there for awhile, that would be different. Settled, certain you would stay there, They wouldn't be losing so much money -- money, if they help you, and then you want a different housing situation.

I know these types of "flaky" people. They are the result of parents not letting their kids assume a fully adult role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would like to hear the perspectives from both parents and the adult children who experienced this:

My parents offered to help with a down payment on a house if we stay in the DC area, ideally very close to them(in DC) but they could accept DMV area. The amount would be substantial and would allow us to buy a nice house and keep our mortgage affordable. However, we don’t love the area and have long wanted to move elsewhere (another relatively HCOL area). If we did, they would not give the same help. We would stay renters, or possibly buy a much smaller condo in not as nice of a neighborhood.

We are both responsible, in our mid-30s, and have two young children. We do not have super high paying jobs and we both spent years in graduate school which delayed our savings. We can absolutely support ourselves but homeownership is challenging in a HCOL area.

My question to parents who have done something similar like this - why? Because it’s hard to give so much money without feeling like you are getting something in return? A guarantee of physical proximity and thereby more time spent together?

And to adult children who faced a similar situation - did you take the help with the strings attached? How did it turn out?

You know why. They want to be near you. There are worse thins, assuming you all get along well. And you're not accounting for the SIGNIFICANT help grandparents provide (well, lots do, not all).

But the why doesn't matter. Accept the gift or don't. That's all you can control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, because you sound flaky. Parent here. "Flaky" is an exaggeration but it's the easiest way to make my point. You don't have a concrete plan. You "might" do this, or that. If you were already IN this other HCOL and had been there for awhile, that would be different. Settled, certain you would stay there, They wouldn't be losing so much money -- money, if they help you, and then you want a different housing situation.

I know these types of "flaky" people. They are the result of parents not letting their kids assume a fully adult role.

Lol arguing “mom won’t let me” as an adult is deeply pathetic.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine to give gifts with strings attached. I had a kitchen that was truly impossible to cook in and we were very slowly saving for a remodel. My mother gave me some money on the condition that it would be for the new kitchen because she knew how miserable that kitchen made me and how much I love cooking. If we had turned around and spent it on a motorcycle for my husband would that have been fair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to give gifts with strings attached. I had a kitchen that was truly impossible to cook in and we were very slowly saving for a remodel. My mother gave me some money on the condition that it would be for the new kitchen because she knew how miserable that kitchen made me and how much I love cooking. If we had turned around and spent it on a motorcycle for my husband would that have been fair?

This isn’t quite the same as OPs situation. You got what you wanted ( a kitchen) because of money from parents. It wasn’t “a kitchen only if you use so and so contractor” or “kitchen only if it’s wood cabinets and quarts counters.” OP is clear about what they want as a family - to be able to settle elsewhere, but the parents will only gift if they choose an alternative they have stated they don’t want - stay in DC.

but yes, your point stands that parents give strings attached gifts all the time. In my experience those who do will continue to expect a certain amount of control in your life. So OP like a previous poster said, you need to decide what works best for your family rather than trying to change your parents. If I were you I would not make such a big change in the direction of my life and that of my spouse and children just for an easy way to home ownership.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, because you sound flaky. Parent here. "Flaky" is an exaggeration but it's the easiest way to make my point. You don't have a concrete plan. You "might" do this, or that. If you were already IN this other HCOL and had been there for awhile, that would be different. Settled, certain you would stay there, They wouldn't be losing so much money -- money, if they help you, and then you want a different housing situation.

I know these types of "flaky" people. They are the result of parents not letting their kids assume a fully adult role.

Lol arguing “mom won’t let me” as an adult is deeply pathetic.

Sounds like you aren't familiar with this environment

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/baby-elephant-syndrome-jesse-rivas-mba-dba-studies

Using this link as I don't have the time now to find a more professional source, but well documented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The questions that would determine my answer:


-is this a difference between raising kids in an apartment for years in better locale v a “forever” SFH in dmv?

-how much do you care about schools? I don’t care that much about real estate but schools, yes. A gift of, say, 500K could indirectly fund private school.

-how much do you want them in your day-to-day family life? Do you want them at all recitals, birthdays or not?

-are they wealthy enough to fund long term care for themselves? Guessing yes

-do they seem to distrust your spouse and this is how it’s coming out? Is that tension likely to grow?

These are all astute questions. The first one is subjective, sounds like OP and spouse agree that they'd rather live elsewhere rather stay in DMV and get a nice house.

To me their conditional house help and the 529 suggestion sniff of several possibilities: 1) they are not wealthy enough to freely give without expecting anything in return, and are probably trying to optimize a matrix of needs/desires; 2) distrust of your spouse; 3) they are not the type to truly see their children as independent beings, but rather extensions of themselves that they like to have continuous influence over

I understand your frustration OP. If they have the money to give, why not do it in a way that enables happiness for your family. But parents are flawed and you'll never get anywhere hoping they are something other than what they are. If their offer compromises the vision you have for your family, reject it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Given your framing and interpretation of the offer you perceive it to be losing your own agency.

For you, as you’ve described it, this scenario won’t be a good decision. So, say no thank you. Then, do what will help you mature into your own person.

[Anonymous]

Time to move away.

[Anonymous]

Re: 529. Echo PP’s response. They do it so they have a say in how the funds are used, because they must be notified and must sign off on it. It definitely complicates things from a logistics perspective because you are doing the process for two separate accounts and in the case of theirs, you need their explicit permission.

And yes, your child is more likely to know exactly how much grandma and grandpa helped, unlike if they just contributed to your account.

It can be fine if you are truly close with your parents and these money related discussions are natural and easy. Otherwise be prepared for commentary from them on which college your children decide to go to, and by the way why not choose a school close to grandma and grandpa? If they have such a strong opinion on where your family should live now don’t expect anything different when it comes to your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, because you sound flaky. Parent here. "Flaky" is an exaggeration but it's the easiest way to make my point. You don't have a concrete plan. You "might" do this, or that. If you were already IN this other HCOL and had been there for awhile, that would be different. Settled, certain you would stay there, They wouldn't be losing so much money -- money, if they help you, and then you want a different housing situation.

I know these types of "flaky" people. They are the result of parents not letting their kids assume a fully adult role.

Lol arguing “mom won’t let me” as an adult is deeply pathetic.

Sounds like you aren't familiar with this environment

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/baby-elephant-syndrome-jesse-rivas-mba-dba-studies

Using this link as I don't have the time now to find a more professional source, but well documented.

I don't care about your link. I have parents and never have I ever as an adult said "I wish I could but mom said no!" Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would like to hear the perspectives from both parents and the adult children who experienced this:

My parents offered to help with a down payment on a house if we stay in the DC area, ideally very close to them(in DC) but they could accept DMV area. The amount would be substantial and would allow us to buy a nice house and keep our mortgage affordable. However, we don’t love the area and have long wanted to move elsewhere (another relatively HCOL area). If we did, they would not give the same help. We would stay renters, or possibly buy a much smaller condo in not as nice of a neighborhood.

We are both responsible, in our mid-30s, and have two young children. We do not have super high paying jobs and we both spent years in graduate school which delayed our savings. We can absolutely support ourselves but homeownership is challenging in a HCOL area.

My question to parents who have done something similar like this - why? Because it’s hard to give so much money without feeling like you are getting something in return? A guarantee of physical proximity and thereby more time spent together?

And to adult children who faced a similar situation - did you take the help with the strings attached? How did it turn out?

Where are you going OP?

Do you not read the news?

Idiot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you are pretty entitled. Either accept the gift or don't - the choice is yours. Your parents money is theirs to spend how they see fit. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you and your spouse are financially secure for homeownership so it is what it is.

Someone who owns a house in DC and has only received $7,500 from their parents and paid for all schooling on their own.

Here’s your award….🥇

[Anonymous]

Also…OP, go where you want. The DC area isn’t for everyone and if you already don’t like it, you’ll just be more and more stuck as your kids get older and your parents get older too. Go explore and live your life. Rent or buy a modest home. Space is overrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, because you sound flaky. Parent here. "Flaky" is an exaggeration but it's the easiest way to make my point. You don't have a concrete plan. You "might" do this, or that. If you were already IN this other HCOL and had been there for awhile, that would be different. Settled, certain you would stay there, They wouldn't be losing so much money -- money, if they help you, and then you want a different housing situation.

I know these types of "flaky" people. They are the result of parents not letting their kids assume a fully adult role.

Lol arguing “mom won’t let me” as an adult is deeply pathetic.

Sounds like you aren't familiar with this environment

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/baby-elephant-syndrome-jesse-rivas-mba-dba-studies

Using this link as I don't have the time now to find a more professional source, but well documented.

I don't care about your link. I have parents and never have I ever as an adult said "I wish I could but mom said no!" Grow up.

Education doesn't seem to be your strong point
now, now, don't deny it