Parental help with strings attached

[Anonymous]

OP, they see how your life is in DC. They know how they can help. They do not know what your life will be like in another city -- you don't have jobs there, you've never lived there, you'd have a completely different childcare situation there.

They want to help. They are doing it in a concrete way. They know *this* would help you. The money is yours. They just need more time/and some experience watching you two actually move, successfully, and build a life somewhere else - then it will be real for them. Otherwise, you're all talk, no action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, because you sound flaky. Parent here. "Flaky" is an exaggeration but it's the easiest way to make my point. You don't have a concrete plan. You "might" do this, or that. If you were already IN this other HCOL and had been there for awhile, that would be different. Settled, certain you would stay there, They wouldn't be losing so much money -- money, if they help you, and then you want a different housing situation.

I know these types of "flaky" people. They are the result of parents not letting their kids assume a fully adult role.

Lol arguing “mom won’t let me” as an adult is deeply pathetic.

Sounds like you aren't familiar with this environment

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/baby-elephant-syndrome-jesse-rivas-mba-dba-studies

Using this link as I don't have the time now to find a more professional source, but well documented.

I don't care about your link. I have parents and never have I ever as an adult said "I wish I could but mom said no!" Grow up.

Education doesn't seem to be your strong point
now, now, don't deny it

Maturity and independence and success are beyond your grasp.

[Anonymous]

You said in your OP that you want to move to another HCOL area and you want to buy a house for your family but cannot afford it on your current HHI. At your age, we were able to get on the property ladder thanks to an unexpected windfall and it has made a huge difference in our financial security today. You also are being offered a windfall to get you on the property ladder. If I got along well enough with my folks, I would take the money and buy a house that wasn't too close but in an area of the DMV we liked and had an excellent school pyramid. This does not preclude you deciding several years down the road that you want to move to your desired area. You will be at an advantage since you will build equity and the property will likely appreciate.

[Anonymous]

We had offer kind of like this ( no explicit conditions but implied) and we declined. In-laws lived in a town that checked all the boxes but we hated idea of living there. We left high COL area and moved to lower one we liked better and it was the right move . I hated the idea that any decision we made might be subject to passing comments about how we were spending money etc. It was a really generous offer but it felt better not to accept

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be the adult child in this situation but I totally get it... why would they pay for you to move their grandchildren far away? Makes no sense.

This. OP keeps saying “strings attached” but it sounds like a very straightforward, reasonable offer. If you don’t want to stay then don’t, but to be clear, they’re not “offering a downpayment on a house”. They’re offering to help you out financially to stay in the DC area. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Do they help with childcare? If they help, at all, or feel like they are sort-of back-up when it's an emergency, they may be concerned about what happens if you live somewhere else. Could that be it? They may not have complete confidence on the two of you juggling everything - and again, you two having a well-research plan for this other HCOL option, would matter.

[Anonymous]

Makes sense from their perspective. If you move with any distance between you, odds are you see them a handful of time per year from now until they die.

They are willing to write a big check to see you and your children more. They are not willing to write a big check to see you in 2 to 5 day increments 50 times for the rest of their lives.

Yes, your self-actualization matters but so does their self actualization. If you aren’t going to be around they may view that down payment money as their future travel costs to come see you or something of the like.

FWIW, I was in the reverse of this scenario. I have the only grandchildren and my parents are 2000 miles away. I offered to buy them a place local to us (they could afford it on their own anyway). My parents ended up in a big fight over it as my dad wanted to make the move but not my mom. So they stayed put. Doesn’t mean I would be willing to buy them a place 2000 miles away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be the adult child in this situation but I totally get it... why would they pay for you to move their grandchildren far away? Makes no sense.

This. OP keeps saying “strings attached” but it sounds like a very straightforward, reasonable offer. If you don’t want to stay then don’t, but to be clear, they’re not “offering a downpayment on a house”. They’re offering to help you out financially to stay in the DC area. That’s it.

No way. If they just gave them the money for the downpayment with a verbal request to stay in DC? Sure, maybe. But if they become part of the ownership of the house in some way? Now you have a legal and financial entanglement as you enter the elder care years. That would be an absolute nonstarter for me and I say that as a person who has had a ton of financial gifts from my parents and I do a lot of elder care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing wrong in your parents offering to invest in your lives ina. Way that is mutually beneficial. They want to be near you and their grandkids. Proximity to them with benefit you both as they age. It seems astonishingly petulant of you to be miffed by this.

It's the equivalent of your parents offering to pay for your family to take a cruise with them, only you don't enjoy cruises and you don't want to go....but now you feel resentful that they're not offering to send your family to Paris.

It’s not at all like that. The OP and spouse are choosing where to live, where to raise their kids. A vacation you come back from after a week or 2…so what if it’s not your ideal vacation. A home that you are going to presumably live in for years is a much bigger and more important decision.

[Anonymous]

and yet they seem to have no firm plan
I think it's the lack of a firm plan that is keeping the parents from supporting the idea.

[Anonymous]

The entitlement, selfishness, and helplessness on display in this thread is sickening.

OP you are a married mom in your 30’s. Buy your own d-amn house and stop expecting handouts from mommy and daddy. Complaining about *a generous offer you don’t want to take* is truly pathetic.

[Anonymous]

I would turn this down because it’s manipulation.

But if you want to play their game: take the down payment, buy the house, live in it for 2 yrs, sell and move to the HCOL area you prefer. Rates will have dropped anyway.

[Anonymous]

I think the discomfort comes from this seeming to be a “gift” when, in fact, that’s not what it is.

A gift does not have conditions. But your parents and others might think that this financial help is a gift. You might be feeling ungrateful if you don’t accept this so-called gift. Others, including your parents, might judge you as being ungrateful if you don’t take it. So stop viewing it as a gift. It’s not. It’s an offer to engage in a transaction with them.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a mooch he wants cash from your parents no strings attached

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I appreciate the perspectives especially those who point out parents are proposing something mutually beneficial. I guess putting it in such transactional terms, while very rational, doesn’t entirely feel good. But you are right, we are not entitled to something that only benefits us.

And yes, nothing is stopping us from moving away. We are in the process of figuring out this logistically and are open with parents about our plans. It was in this context that they proposed helping us buy a house here.

This has reminded me of one other similar situation where their proposal felt off to me. They brought up helping with grandchildren’s education down the road. We said we would be grateful and here’s the 529 account we have for the kids. They declined and said they would rather set up their own 529 for the grandkids. I think the only the difference this would make is when it comes time to using it, we’d have to ask for their permission to get the money out right? Those whose parents have done this for grandparents - enlighten me.

Don’t do it. My mother is very controlling and wanted to be in charge of sending her grandchildren to college, but we could never count on her turning over the money. So we basically have way too much money locked up in 529s.