Parental help with strings attached

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws bought our home for us outright in a city a three hour flight away. I feel like what your parents are doing is completely manipulative. They should offer, no strings attached because they can and want you to be happy or don’t offer at all.

THis 1000%! I cannot imagine attaching any strings, beyond "the money needs to be used for housing" If I have $XXXX to gift them, it is a gift and for them to use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to give gifts with strings attached. I had a kitchen that was truly impossible to cook in and we were very slowly saving for a remodel. My mother gave me some money on the condition that it would be for the new kitchen because she knew how miserable that kitchen made me and how much I love cooking. If we had turned around and spent it on a motorcycle for my husband would that have been fair?

Nope. However, that is a gift that "really does not have strings attached". She gave it for a kitchen, which you desperately needed. She didn't tell you exactly how to remodel---that would be "strings attached"

However, yes, if you spend it on a motorcycle, then you are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said in your OP that you want to move to another HCOL area and you want to buy a house for your family but cannot afford it on your current HHI. At your age, we were able to get on the property ladder thanks to an unexpected windfall and it has made a huge difference in our financial security today. You also are being offered a windfall to get you on the property ladder. If I got along well enough with my folks, I would take the money and buy a house that wasn't too close but in an area of the DMV we liked and had an excellent school pyramid. This does not preclude you deciding several years down the road that you want to move to your desired area. You will be at an advantage since you will build equity and the property will likely appreciate.

But if your parents truly loved and cared for you and your family, they have the $$, they would simply gift it and say "please use it for upgrading your housing. We want to help and ensure you and your family have the best".

I cannot imagine attaching strings to where my kid can purchase a home. If they ask for my help, I'd provide guidance, otherwise, you sit back and just listen. Either you want them to have a nicer home or you don't. But you don't get to control where it is or the type of home

[Anonymous]

My experience is that the old saying “there’s no such thing as free money” is true. Everyone I know whose parents were involved financially in their adult lives had some sort of expectations, whether explicitly stated or heavily implied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws bought our home for us outright in a city a three hour flight away. I feel like what your parents are doing is completely manipulative. They should offer, no strings attached because they can and want you to be happy or don’t offer at all.

THis 1000%! I cannot imagine attaching any strings, beyond "the money needs to be used for housing" If I have $XXXX to gift them, it is a gift and for them to use.

Are you saying that any parents with $$$s should be obligated to gift their kids money for a house? Trying to understand how $$$$s with strings attached is somehow worse than never offering the $$$$s at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws bought our home for us outright in a city a three hour flight away. I feel like what your parents are doing is completely manipulative. They should offer, no strings attached because they can and want you to be happy or don’t offer at all.

THis 1000%! I cannot imagine attaching any strings, beyond "the money needs to be used for housing" If I have $XXXX to gift them, it is a gift and for them to use.

Are you saying that any parents with $$$s should be obligated to gift their kids money for a house? Trying to understand how $$$$s with strings attached is somehow worse than never offering the $$$$s at all.

That is exactly what the PP and so many others on this thread are saying. The entitlement is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My experience is that the old saying “there’s no such thing as free money” is true. Everyone I know whose parents were involved financially in their adult lives had some sort of expectations, whether explicitly stated or heavily implied.

+1000...except massively wealthy families where Trusts were set up for the kids. Even then, the trusts usually have some guidelines on how the money can be used, however, probably flexible to purchase a home wherever the kid wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws bought our home for us outright in a city a three hour flight away. I feel like what your parents are doing is completely manipulative. They should offer, no strings attached because they can and want you to be happy or don’t offer at all.

THis 1000%! I cannot imagine attaching any strings, beyond "the money needs to be used for housing" If I have $XXXX to gift them, it is a gift and for them to use.

Are you saying that any parents with $$$s should be obligated to gift their kids money for a house? Trying to understand how $$$$s with strings attached is somehow worse than never offering the $$$$s at all.

Yes, I believe that. Don't give money at a then. That's not entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws bought our home for us outright in a city a three hour flight away. I feel like what your parents are doing is completely manipulative. They should offer, no strings attached because they can and want you to be happy or don’t offer at all.

THis 1000%! I cannot imagine attaching any strings, beyond "the money needs to be used for housing" If I have $XXXX to gift them, it is a gift and for them to use.

Are you saying that any parents with $$$s should be obligated to gift their kids money for a house? Trying to understand how $$$$s with strings attached is somehow worse than never offering the $$$$s at all.

Yes, I believe that. Don't give money at a then. That's not entitlement.

I mean the second part of your statement.
There is no obligation to give grown ups anything of course.


"Trying to understand how $$$$s with strings attached is somehow worse than never offering the $$$$s at all."

[Anonymous]

I honestly have no problem with what OP's parents did. She has clearly led a very charmed life and chose a lifestyle/preference job along with her spouse. They are free to live within their means. I don't think OP has a right to be annoyed that there are conditions on her parents gift. Simply decline it and live your life as it is wherever you want, but if you want a a huge leg up, then yeah the person with the gold can make some rules.

[Anonymous]

Why would you and your husband put some of your $$ into the down payment, but have NO legal claim? Parents should pay for the house outright and you pay utilities. Your parents either don’t like or don’t trust your spouse. Hoping you understand this.

[Anonymous]

Op, minimally, your parents will have to see that you are making good, long term financial decisions. Good life decisions. Maybe they don't think you do. They can only give -so much- and they don't want their money wasted. Because after they give it, after it's spent, that's it. They can't turn-around and help you get out of a bad decision. And it would be painful for them to see you worse off and not better off. Of course, this (may be) all in their mind and not warranted.

Or may not be the case at all.

[Anonymous]

It does not really matter whether you think there should be strings attached or not. It's not your money. And you cannot control how your parents choose to gift their money. I guess you can whine about it but at the end of the day, you have no entitlement to that money.

You can only control you. Accept the money with the strings or decline.

BTW, you sound profoundly ungrateful. Many of us have never received, and never will receive, a cent from our parents for anything.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think OP sounds ungrateful. OP didn’t demand or expect money toward a house, DC or elsewhere. She’s asking if this is a common pattern of parental gifting for those who have wealthier parents. And did you miss the part where her parents expect her to put money toward the house, pay the mortgage, but the house won’t be in her and her husbands name? That screams of control to me….

[Anonymous]

Important detail added later. I thought that was very strange. She didn't lead with that