Parental help with strings attached

[Anonymous]

I would like to hear the perspectives from both parents and the adult children who experienced this:

My parents offered to help with a down payment on a house if we stay in the DC area, ideally very close to them(in DC) but they could accept DMV area. The amount would be substantial and would allow us to buy a nice house and keep our mortgage affordable. However, we don’t love the area and have long wanted to move elsewhere (another relatively HCOL area). If we did, they would not give the same help. We would stay renters, or possibly buy a much smaller condo in not as nice of a neighborhood.

We are both responsible, in our mid-30s, and have two young children. We do not have super high paying jobs and we both spent years in graduate school which delayed our savings. We can absolutely support ourselves but homeownership is challenging in a HCOL area.

My question to parents who have done something similar like this - why? Because it’s hard to give so much money without feeling like you are getting something in return? A guarantee of physical proximity and thereby more time spent together?

And to adult children who faced a similar situation - did you take the help with the strings attached? How did it turn out?

[Anonymous]

Wow, you are pretty entitled. Either accept the gift or don't - the choice is yours. Your parents money is theirs to spend how they see fit. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you and your spouse are financially secure for homeownership so it is what it is.

Someone who owns a house in DC and has only received $7,500 from their parents and paid for all schooling on their own.

[Anonymous]

I have not done this but I assume the rationale is that this is a HCOL area and they want you to stay around so they can see you and have more frequent contact with their grandkids, so the extent the HCOL might drive you away they are willing to make up some of the difference.

I know plenty of retired people who would happily move to be near their grandkids if they thought their kids were settled in somewhere they could live happily— this is similar but in reverse.

[Anonymous]

That sounds more manipulative than generous to me. I wouldn’t accept that if you don’t like the area. Get out now while your kids are little.

[Anonymous]

If you really don’t want to live here/near them then I wouldn’t take the help, but if you could be happy here it’s just the COL then it seems like a win/win.

[Anonymous]

I would never do that to my kids.

But you could always take the money, buy the house, then sell in a little while for a profit and scamper elsewhere... although two wrongs don't make a right.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t personally do an offer like that, but at least it’s pretty straightforward?

Also fwiw if it’s just a gift, they can’t legally force you to use it on a local house. And you can sell the house later.

[Anonymous]

OP - No, we don’t like it here, it’s not just the HCOL. Otherwise we would be more comfortable accepting the help.

Parents know we want to move away and have wanted to for years.

To the PP who mentioned entitlement - yes , it’s a privilege my parents have the money to give. I don’t think we are entitled to a gift but I am surprised that they are willing to give a big gift only if conditions are met. It’s a weird dynamic. Paid for our own education as well so this is the first time a situation like this came up in our relationship.

[Anonymous]

I would be the adult child in this situation but I totally get it... why would they pay for you to move their grandchildren far away? Makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never do that to my kids.

But you could always take the money, buy the house, then sell in a little while for a profit and scamper elsewhere... although two wrongs don't make a right.

To be honest we joked about it but it feels like a betrayal. Also, I think my parents are aware of this possibility and therefore would structure the ownership such that we can’t do it. They are very financially savvy (much more than us). So it really does feel like “golden handcuff” kind of deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not done this but I assume the rationale is that this is a HCOL area and they want you to stay around so they can see you and have more frequent contact with their grandkids, so the extent the HCOL might drive you away they are willing to make up some of the difference.

I know plenty of retired people who would happily move to be near their grandkids if they thought their kids were settled in somewhere they could live happily— this is similar but in reverse.

Yes, they love the grandkids but no they would not move to be near us. They are established in DC and have busy social calendars, events, etc. They are also picky and look down on a lot of places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be the adult child in this situation but I totally get it... why would they pay for you to move their grandchildren far away? Makes no sense.

So that their daughter can set up her family in a nice home in a place they want to be? If they have the money to give, it’s petulant to attach strings like that.

[Anonymous]

I think your parents came up with what they believe is a mutually beneficial arrangement, and you want to turn it into something that only benefits you.

Once upon a time I told my mom that I would consider stretching some and buy a two family house so that when the time comes I could move her in and simplify my life as far as helping with her care. It was definitely not an offer to buy her a condo in her area of choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do that to my kids.

But you could always take the money, buy the house, then sell in a little while for a profit and scamper elsewhere... although two wrongs don't make a right.

To be honest we joked about it but it feels like a betrayal. Also, I think my parents are aware of this possibility and therefore would structure the ownership such that we can’t do it. They are very financially savvy (much more than us). So it really does feel like “golden handcuff” kind of deal.

Don’t take it.

[Anonymous]

Look at the tax implications. They can only gift you so much money a year.