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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The questions that would determine my answer:

-is this a difference between raising kids in an apartment for years in better locale v a “forever” SFH in dmv?

-how much do you care about schools? I don’t care that much about real estate but schools, yes. A gift of, say, 500K could indirectly fund private school.

-how much do you want them in your day-to-day family life? Do you want them at all recitals, birthdays or not?

-are they wealthy enough to fund long term care for themselves? Guessing yes

-do they seem to distrust your spouse and this is how it’s coming out? Is that tension likely to grow?[/quote]

These are all astute questions. The first one is subjective, sounds like OP and spouse agree that they'd rather live elsewhere rather stay in DMV and get a nice house.

To me their conditional house help and the 529 suggestion sniff of several possibilities: 1) they are not wealthy enough to freely give without expecting anything in return, and are probably trying to optimize a matrix of needs/desires; 2) distrust of your spouse; 3) they are not the type to truly see their children as independent beings, but rather extensions of themselves that they like to have continuous influence over

I understand your frustration OP. If they have the money to give, why not do it in a way that enables happiness for your family. But parents are flawed and you'll never get anywhere hoping they are something other than what they are. If their offer compromises the vision you have for your family, reject it and move on.

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