Parental help with strings attached

[Anonymous]

Not a direct answer to your question, but...

Stop thinking about your parents and their motivation. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether they are "right" or "wrong". And it certainly doesn't matter what the DCUM hive mind says.

You want to make this about them, when this is about a choice for you and your husband to make. Accept the reality and make the choice.

[Anonymous]

Did not accept the help. Help with strings is not helpful - it's just manipulative.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong in your parents offering to invest in your lives ina. Way that is mutually beneficial. They want to be near you and their grandkids. Proximity to them with benefit you both as they age. It seems astonishingly petulant of you to be miffed by this.

It's the equivalent of your parents offering to pay for your family to take a cruise with them, only you don't enjoy cruises and you don't want to go....but now you feel resentful that they're not offering to send your family to Paris.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - No, we don’t like it here, it’s not just the HCOL. Otherwise we would be more comfortable accepting the help.

Parents know we want to move away and have wanted to for years.

To the PP who mentioned entitlement - yes , it’s a privilege my parents have the money to give. I don’t think we are entitled to a gift but I am surprised that they are willing to give a big gift only if conditions are met. It’s a weird dynamic. Paid for our own education as well so this is the first time a situation like this came up in our relationship.

They're not stopping you from moving. What are you waiting for? They are willing to make your life easier if you stay so they could see you more often and take the burden off. But they don't seem willing to fund your search for greener pastures on a whim. So take a pass on the offer and keep doing your own thing.

[Anonymous]

I would be delighted if my parents offered me a large gift like this.

It's so funny to read all the posts where so many on DCUM have no issue with putting strings on what their kids major in if they are paying for the education, but this is not ok? How is this any different? In both situations, parents want something in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing wrong in your parents offering to invest in your lives ina. Way that is mutually beneficial. They want to be near you and their grandkids. Proximity to them with benefit you both as they age. It seems astonishingly petulant of you to be miffed by this.

It's the equivalent of your parents offering to pay for your family to take a cruise with them, only you don't enjoy cruises and you don't want to go....but now you feel resentful that they're not offering to send your family to Paris.

That’s not equivalent at all. Vacations and a home to raise your family in are not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be delighted if my parents offered me a large gift like this.

It's so funny to read all the posts where so many on DCUM have no issue with putting strings on what their kids major in if they are paying for the education, but this is not ok? How is this any different? In both situations, parents want something in return.

I’m not ok with that, either. All these posts make me appreciate my own parents and ILs. Very generous, no strings. It can be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds more manipulative than generous to me. I wouldn’t accept that if you don’t like the area. Get out now while your kids are little.

THIS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be delighted if my parents offered me a large gift like this.

It's so funny to read all the posts where so many on DCUM have no issue with putting strings on what their kids major in if they are paying for the education, but this is not ok? How is this any different? In both situations, parents want something in return.

I’m not ok with that, either. All these posts make me appreciate my own parents and ILs. Very generous, no strings. It can be done.

I know, me too. But I was just pointing out what I see so often probably from some of the same posters. OK with one but not the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be delighted if my parents offered me a large gift like this.

It's so funny to read all the posts where so many on DCUM have no issue with putting strings on what their kids major in if they are paying for the education, but this is not ok? How is this any different? In both situations, parents want something in return.

Well, that's because DCUM posters know everything, and their parents and children don't.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the perspectives especially those who point out parents are proposing something mutually beneficial. I guess putting it in such transactional terms, while very rational, doesn’t entirely feel good. But you are right, we are not entitled to something that only benefits us.

And yes, nothing is stopping us from moving away. We are in the process of figuring out this logistically and are open with parents about our plans. It was in this context that they proposed helping us buy a house here.

This has reminded me of one other similar situation where their proposal felt off to me. They brought up helping with grandchildren’s education down the road. We said we would be grateful and here’s the 529 account we have for the kids. They declined and said they would rather set up their own 529 for the grandkids. I think the only the difference this would make is when it comes time to using it, we’d have to ask for their permission to get the money out right? Those whose parents have done this for grandparents - enlighten me.

[Anonymous]

They want to be near the grandkids and you how sweet. Then as they age you are right there to do all kinds of services because they don't want strangers in the house. Then they want one of you to quit your job and be care provider....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I appreciate the perspectives especially those who point out parents are proposing something mutually beneficial. I guess putting it in such transactional terms, while very rational, doesn’t entirely feel good. But you are right, we are not entitled to something that only benefits us.

And yes, nothing is stopping us from moving away. We are in the process of figuring out this logistically and are open with parents about our plans. It was in this context that they proposed helping us buy a house here.

This has reminded me of one other similar situation where their proposal felt off to me. They brought up helping with grandchildren’s education down the road. We said we would be grateful and here’s the 529 account we have for the kids. They declined and said they would rather set up their own 529 for the grandkids. I think the only the difference this would make is when it comes time to using it, we’d have to ask for their permission to get the money out right? Those whose parents have done this for grandparents - enlighten me.

They don’t want their money getting all mixed with yours. They want the grandchildren to know exactly how much they’re contributing when it comes time. Maybe they will try to attach some strings for them, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They want to be near the grandkids and you how sweet. Then as they age you are right there to do all kinds of services because they don't want strangers in the house. Then they want one of you to quit your job and be care provider....

But you got a huge step up in the process. How convenient to forget that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They want to be near the grandkids and you how sweet. Then as they age you are right there to do all kinds of services because they don't want strangers in the house. Then they want one of you to quit your job and be care provider....

But you got a huge step up in the process. How convenient to forget that.

Yes , I’d actually be happy to help out with aging care if they lived close by in a place that our family wanted to live! In the time we have lived close to them, we’ve always helped each other out. It’s natural and we don’t hate them or anything.