Parental help with strings attached

[Anonymous]

They are being extremely generous. They know you won’t stay without the financial assistance so they are offering it. It’s your choice if you take it. It sounds like you want to live above your means but how you accomplish that is solely up to you. I would never have expected my parents to purchase a house or give us a huge down payment but my parents surprised us by helping us with a small one when they wanted us to move nearby. The house was a bit above our price range and they thought it would be a better ROI and better schools. The house was nowhere near as big and nice as where we wanted to live a few miles north. In the end, DH and I weighed the options and bought the small better located house. It never occurred to me to ask for the same gift to buy in the new development further out. It was their money and it wouldn’t have felt right. I have never loved this house but I also have never resented them for the strings attached. They owed us zip.

[Anonymous]

I told my Father I would be grateful and so appreciative to receive his financial gift *after* we closed on a house. And that's what we did, without really any explanation. My Father was a very forceful personality. So these reasons I did not speak to him: I wanted us to do it on our own. I wanted the decision to be ours alone, without judgement or influence. What we did with the gift is we put it into an account for house upkeep or emergencies. Not so noble since we had it to fall back on and we knew that all along but someone it allowed all of us to save face to the degree that mattered to each of us.

Btw, after we had moved in, he visited. He was seeing the area we had chosen for the first time. He liked it. He liked the house too.

[Anonymous]

I think the only the difference this would make is when it comes time to using it, we’d have to ask for their permission to get the money out right?

In some states, who owns the 529 matters for state income tax purposes. Virginia is one of those states.https://www.savingforcollege.com/article/can-a-grandparent-contribute-to-a-parent-owned-529-plan

[Anonymous]

And if the OP's kids are eligible for fin aid it also makes a difference.

[Anonymous]

Op here - didn’t expect this to get so many responses, thanks for everyone’s perspective.

To clarify, they would not just give us the money. They would put a big portion toward the down payment, we pay a smaller portion, and we pay the mortgage. But house would be in their name. This is specifically to prevent us from selling and moving “too soon.” As you can imagine they would be heavily involved in the buying process too, ie we have to pick a house they “like.” They are picky and have different lifestyle preferences than us.

I think there is some truth to PPs saying our alternative is too abstract for them to how to help. They are generally kind and try to be helpful where they can, for example when it comes to babysitting etc. We are very familiar with our desired spot - it’s where we used to live and work for many years. They know we cannot afford to buy there but we also never asked them for help, they know we are fine staying renters there. While we don’t have a date set it’s not entirely just talk either, as we have done short term trips there frequently in the last five years to research neighborhoods (down to the street), vet schools etc. it’s become a sensitive topic, and whenever we mention moving, planning to move, researching to move, or taking another trip there, my mother is visibly upset. This has led us to stop sharing our plans and intentions as much as we used to.

What prompted my original question wasnt so much “why aren’t they giving us a hand out to use however we want?!” as why they are making the kind of specific offer they are, knowing what they know, and calling it a gift. Having read the responses here I think yes, it’s a transaction that they see as mutually beneficial, rather than what we think of as truly a gift.

And yes, I think spousal distrust is at play here too. We’ve had ups and downs in our marriage. We are absolutely committed to staying together but my parents are both pretty cynical lawyers. I don’t think they would be happy if my spouse walked away with half of the down payment they put up.

Anyways, we are not going to take the offer. Life will be harder for us if we move, financially and logistically, but we are pretty confident it’s the better location for our family (and our relationship).

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have a clear head on your shoulders. There’s no way I would have anyone that involved in the home I live in. It would be a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be the adult child in this situation but I totally get it... why would they pay for you to move their grandchildren far away? Makes no sense.

Agreed. I know plenty of parents who give with strings attached. I definitely wouldn't give my kids money to move away. If they want to leave, so be it. But I'm not going to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - didn’t expect this to get so many responses, thanks for everyone’s perspective.

To clarify, they would not just give us the money. They would put a big portion toward the down payment, we pay a smaller portion, and we pay the mortgage. But house would be in their name. This is specifically to prevent us from selling and moving “too soon.” As you can imagine they would be heavily involved in the buying process too, ie we have to pick a house they “like.” They are picky and have different lifestyle preferences than us.

I think there is some truth to PPs saying our alternative is too abstract for them to how to help. They are generally kind and try to be helpful where they can, for example when it comes to babysitting etc. We are very familiar with our desired spot - it’s where we used to live and work for many years. They know we cannot afford to buy there but we also never asked them for help, they know we are fine staying renters there. While we don’t have a date set it’s not entirely just talk either, as we have done short term trips there frequently in the last five years to research neighborhoods (down to the street), vet schools etc. it’s become a sensitive topic, and whenever we mention moving, planning to move, researching to move, or taking another trip there, my mother is visibly upset. This has led us to stop sharing our plans and intentions as much as we used to.

What prompted my original question wasnt so much “why aren’t they giving us a hand out to use however we want?!” as why they are making the kind of specific offer they are, knowing what they know, and calling it a gift. Having read the responses here I think yes, it’s a transaction that they see as mutually beneficial, rather than what we think of as truly a gift.

And yes, I think spousal distrust is at play here too. We’ve had ups and downs in our marriage. We are absolutely committed to staying together but my parents are both pretty cynical lawyers. I don’t think they would be happy if my spouse walked away with half of the down payment they put up.

Anyways, we are not going to take the offer. Life will be harder for us if we move, financially and logistically, but we are pretty confident it’s the better location for our family (and our relationship).

OP, I would just be careful and protect yourself. Several years ago I posted something re: my personal life. I was appalled at the answers, couldn't believe they were accurate, only to learn that they were correct. Sometimes people can see things in an anonymous post that the poster can't see.

I would accept that your parents are trying to protect you, see something you don't, and hoping that you aren't being negatively influenced by your DH. Your last comment makes me think of the woman who thinks getting pregnant will save her marriage. I expect you to say no way. But just sit with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Op here - didn’t expect this to get so many responses, thanks for everyone’s perspective.

To clarify, they would not just give us the money. They would put a big portion toward the down payment, we pay a smaller portion, and we pay the mortgage. But house would be in their name. This is specifically to prevent us from selling and moving “too soon.” As you can imagine they would be heavily involved in the buying process too, ie we have to pick a house they “like.” They are picky and have different lifestyle preferences than us.

I think there is some truth to PPs saying our alternative is too abstract for them to how to help. They are generally kind and try to be helpful where they can, for example when it comes to babysitting etc. We are very familiar with our desired spot - it’s where we used to live and work for many years. They know we cannot afford to buy there but we also never asked them for help, they know we are fine staying renters there. While we don’t have a date set it’s not entirely just talk either, as we have done short term trips there frequently in the last five years to research neighborhoods (down to the street), vet schools etc. it’s become a sensitive topic, and whenever we mention moving, planning to move, researching to move, or taking another trip there, my mother is visibly upset. This has led us to stop sharing our plans and intentions as much as we used to.

What prompted my original question wasnt so much “why aren’t they giving us a hand out to use however we want?!” as why they are making the kind of specific offer they are, knowing what they know, and calling it a gift. Having read the responses here I think yes, it’s a transaction that they see as mutually beneficial, rather than what we think of as truly a gift.

And yes, I think spousal distrust is at play here too. We’ve had ups and downs in our marriage. We are absolutely committed to staying together but my parents are both pretty cynical lawyers. I don’t think they would be happy if my spouse walked away with half of the down payment they put up.

Anyways, we are not going to take the offer. Life will be harder for us if we move, financially and logistically, but we are pretty confident it’s the better location for our family (and our relationship).


OP, I would just be careful and protect yourself. Several years ago I posted something re: my personal life. I was appalled at the answers, couldn't believe they were accurate, only to learn that they were correct. Sometimes people can see things in an anonymous post that the poster can't see.

I would accept that your parents are trying to protect you, see something you don't, and hoping that you aren't being negatively influenced by your DH. Your last comment makes me think of the woman who thinks getting pregnant will save her marriage. I expect you to say no way. But just sit with it.

Yep. Parent of adult child and agree with this take. They don't trust your DH and are not going to shell out hundreds of thousands only to see it walk away in a divorce. They are saying they want to structure it so you couldn't just up and walk away, but what they may really be thinking is that they want to make sure their child and grandchildren have stable secure housing in the event of divorce---keeping the house in their name would accomplish that. I also agree with the observer who noted that should OP move away from the area, then her parents are now going to have travel expenses every time they want to come see them. Go ahead and move to the HCOL area with your spouse. If the marriage stays stable and healthy, maybe your parents offer to help you in a few years. If it doesn't, then you can always return back here and your parents can buy a house for you and their grandchildren then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

To clarify, they would not just give us the money. They would put a big portion toward the down payment, we pay a smaller portion, and we pay the mortgage. But house would be in their name. This is specifically to prevent us from selling and moving “too soon.” As you can imagine they would be heavily involved in the buying process too, ie we have to pick a house they “like.” They are picky and have different lifestyle preferences than us.

Absof#$kinglutely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Op here - didn’t expect this to get so many responses, thanks for everyone’s perspective.

To clarify, they would not just give us the money. They would put a big portion toward the down payment, we pay a smaller portion, and we pay the mortgage. But house would be in their name. This is specifically to prevent us from selling and moving “too soon.” As you can imagine they would be heavily involved in the buying process too, ie we have to pick a house they “like.” They are picky and have different lifestyle preferences than us.

I think there is some truth to PPs saying our alternative is too abstract for them to how to help. They are generally kind and try to be helpful where they can, for example when it comes to babysitting etc. We are very familiar with our desired spot - it’s where we used to live and work for many years. They know we cannot afford to buy there but we also never asked them for help, they know we are fine staying renters there. While we don’t have a date set it’s not entirely just talk either, as we have done short term trips there frequently in the last five years to research neighborhoods (down to the street), vet schools etc. it’s become a sensitive topic, and whenever we mention moving, planning to move, researching to move, or taking another trip there, my mother is visibly upset. This has led us to stop sharing our plans and intentions as much as we used to.

What prompted my original question wasnt so much “why aren’t they giving us a hand out to use however we want?!” as why they are making the kind of specific offer they are, knowing what they know, and calling it a gift. Having read the responses here I think yes, it’s a transaction that they see as mutually beneficial, rather than what we think of as truly a gift.

And yes, I think spousal distrust is at play here too. We’ve had ups and downs in our marriage. We are absolutely committed to staying together but my parents are both pretty cynical lawyers. I don’t think they would be happy if my spouse walked away with half of the down payment they put up.

Anyways, we are not going to take the offer. Life will be harder for us if we move, financially and logistically, but we are pretty confident it’s the better location for our family (and our relationship).


OP, I would just be careful and protect yourself. Several years ago I posted something re: my personal life. I was appalled at the answers, couldn't believe they were accurate, only to learn that they were correct. Sometimes people can see things in an anonymous post that the poster can't see.

I would accept that your parents are trying to protect you, see something you don't, and hoping that you aren't being negatively influenced by your DH. Your last comment makes me think of the woman who thinks getting pregnant will save her marriage. I expect you to say no way. But just sit with it.

Yep. Parent of adult child and agree with this take. They don't trust your DH and are not going to shell out hundreds of thousands only to see it walk away in a divorce. They are saying they want to structure it so you couldn't just up and walk away, but what they may really be thinking is that they want to make sure their child and grandchildren have stable secure housing in the event of divorce---keeping the house in their name would accomplish that. I also agree with the observer who noted that should OP move away from the area, then her parents are now going to have travel expenses every time they want to come see them. Go ahead and move to the HCOL area with your spouse. If the marriage stays stable and healthy, maybe your parents offer to help you in a few years. If it doesn't, then you can always return back here and your parents can buy a house for you and their grandchildren then.

If they want to be certain she gets divorced, the way to do that is by demanding a voice in the process of her and her spouse picking “their” home. It is a form of emotional triangulation and it is toxic AF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Op here - didn’t expect this to get so many responses, thanks for everyone’s perspective.

To clarify, they would not just give us the money. They would put a big portion toward the down payment, we pay a smaller portion, and we pay the mortgage. But house would be in their name. This is specifically to prevent us from selling and moving “too soon.” As you can imagine they would be heavily involved in the buying process too, ie we have to pick a house they “like.” They are picky and have different lifestyle preferences than us.

I think there is some truth to PPs saying our alternative is too abstract for them to how to help. They are generally kind and try to be helpful where they can, for example when it comes to babysitting etc. We are very familiar with our desired spot - it’s where we used to live and work for many years. They know we cannot afford to buy there but we also never asked them for help, they know we are fine staying renters there. While we don’t have a date set it’s not entirely just talk either, as we have done short term trips there frequently in the last five years to research neighborhoods (down to the street), vet schools etc. it’s become a sensitive topic, and whenever we mention moving, planning to move, researching to move, or taking another trip there, my mother is visibly upset. This has led us to stop sharing our plans and intentions as much as we used to.

What prompted my original question wasnt so much “why aren’t they giving us a hand out to use however we want?!” as why they are making the kind of specific offer they are, knowing what they know, and calling it a gift. Having read the responses here I think yes, it’s a transaction that they see as mutually beneficial, rather than what we think of as truly a gift.

And yes, I think spousal distrust is at play here too. We’ve had ups and downs in our marriage. We are absolutely committed to staying together but my parents are both pretty cynical lawyers. I don’t think they would be happy if my spouse walked away with half of the down payment they put up.

Anyways, we are not going to take the offer. Life will be harder for us if we move, financially and logistically, but we are pretty confident it’s the better location for our family (and our relationship).


OP, I would just be careful and protect yourself. Several years ago I posted something re: my personal life. I was appalled at the answers, couldn't believe they were accurate, only to learn that they were correct. Sometimes people can see things in an anonymous post that the poster can't see.

I would accept that your parents are trying to protect you, see something you don't, and hoping that you aren't being negatively influenced by your DH. Your last comment makes me think of the woman who thinks getting pregnant will save her marriage. I expect you to say no way. But just sit with it.

Yep. Parent of adult child and agree with this take. They don't trust your DH and are not going to shell out hundreds of thousands only to see it walk away in a divorce. They are saying they want to structure it so you couldn't just up and walk away, but what they may really be thinking is that they want to make sure their child and grandchildren have stable secure housing in the event of divorce---keeping the house in their name would accomplish that. I also agree with the observer who noted that should OP move away from the area, then her parents are now going to have travel expenses every time they want to come see them. Go ahead and move to the HCOL area with your spouse. If the marriage stays stable and healthy, maybe your parents offer to help you in a few years. If it doesn't, then you can always return back here and your parents can buy a house for you and their grandchildren then.

If they want to be certain she gets divorced, the way to do that is by demanding a voice in the process of her and her spouse picking “their” home. It is a form of emotional triangulation and it is toxic AF.

I assume you think the right move is just to offer $0 and stay out of it?

No reasonable parents are giving their kid in a troubled marriage big $$$s to buy a house.

[Anonymous]

We have always encouraged our children to stay local but we’ve never bribed them. We’ve provided home buying assistance at various times but not as a bribe. They are now all well established and if they were to move away they would have figured out how to do it on their own.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Our marriage is not troubled. Ups and downs yes, just like any marriage especially the years with young kids. My parents actually love(d?) and got on very well with my spouse until this issue of moving away surfaced. Now there's tension because they know my spouse wants the move very much. I mentioned divorce because my parents have both experienced divorce and, like lawyers tend to be, are generally cynical and always thinking about contingencies.

[Anonymous]

In the earlier years of our relationship, spouse was the more responsible one and pushed me toward a vision of life that aligned with my parents' (stable white collar job). They really loved the spouse back then.