Who is unreasonable here: Friend A or Friend B?

[Anonymous]

“Friend” sounds like a user. She will forget OP and find someone new to leech off. Just move on, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the people who are mad about you buying the treadmill. That's beside the point.

I want to really break down your friend's behavior here, to understand what about it is problematic.

It is fine she asked for the treadmill for free. She didn't know your precise situation. It never hurts to ask.

But you said no, you needed to sell it, because the money was important for your move. She heard this, right? You said "no, I can't give it to you, I need the money," right?

And then she proceeded to ignore your "no" and plead and harass you about it for months. THIS is the problematic behavior. Not her wanting the treadmill for free. Who cares what her finances are. Who cares what your finances are. The point is that she asked, you said no, she refused to accept that.

And then when your buyer backed out, was she empathetic? Did she care how this would impact you negatively? Was she even apologetic when she "offered" again to take it for free? I sense no. She was victorious. She got what she wanted.

Ignore the financial factors here. They feel important but they are not. I have seen a friendship play out like this even when the pair have the same finances.

She is not merely a user or an opportunity. She is aggressive. She does not see you as a person in the same way she thinks of herself as a person. You are a resource from which she can extract what she wants-- companionship, stuff. She will never treat you as an equal. She does not respect you or care for you.

Move on. People like this just cause strife over and over. You will never get out of this relationship what you put in.

This was well thought out. I totally agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the people who are mad about you buying the treadmill. That's beside the point.

I want to really break down your friend's behavior here, to understand what about it is problematic.

It is fine she asked for the treadmill for free. She didn't know your precise situation. It never hurts to ask.

But you said no, you needed to sell it, because the money was important for your move. She heard this, right? You said "no, I can't give it to you, I need the money," right?

And then she proceeded to ignore your "no" and plead and harass you about it for months. THIS is the problematic behavior. Not her wanting the treadmill for free. Who cares what her finances are. Who cares what your finances are. The point is that she asked, you said no, she refused to accept that.

And then when your buyer backed out, was she empathetic? Did she care how this would impact you negatively? Was she even apologetic when she "offered" again to take it for free? I sense no. She was victorious. She got what she wanted.

Ignore the financial factors here. They feel important but they are not. I have seen a friendship play out like this even when the pair have the same finances.

She is not merely a user or an opportunity. She is aggressive. She does not see you as a person in the same way she thinks of herself as a person. You are a resource from which she can extract what she wants-- companionship, stuff. She will never treat you as an equal. She does not respect you or care for you.

Move on. People like this just cause strife over and over. You will never get out of this relationship what you put in.

This was well thought out. I totally agree with this.

+1 Perhaps if OP’s friend were more tuned in, thoughtful or empathetic then OP wouldn’t be feeling like she’d rather leave the treadmill in the home to be thrown out than give it to her friend. OP, you are not being petty; your friend is being thoughtless and self-absorbed.

[Anonymous]

I’d have a serious talk with the friend before I ditched the friendship completely. Tell her you’re still trying to sell it because even a few hundred dollars is more than the nothing you’d get if you have it to her. It would irritate me to no end that she has no problems paying movers to get it to her but won’t give you a penny for it. Post it in the lobby of your building for $200.

[Anonymous]

It does seem sketchy that B’s DH’s colleague would back out in such a way that benefits B, and that DH is shrewd (if this assessment is from OP, not sure). It does almost seem like a set up, but of course this is speculation.

I agree with the PP’s question: did she swoop in an opportunistic fashion or did she sincerely empathize? If she swooped in without at least saying something like, that sucks, then I can see why you would feel resentful.

Is she generally a good friend? Sometimes we can all act in a greedy or regrettable manner. If she’s overall a good friend, then maybe some distance will help.

If she’s not been a good friend, then do what you want: ghost, say you found another buyer, etc.

RE: the $2k, to not feel so bad about it, you can look at it like a gym membership. $167/mo for a gym membership is not out of bounds.

[Anonymous]

She was acting greedy and cheap, and that is not okay. I would have left the treadmill to the landlord. Remember that many people around the world are users. Don't tell people everything all the time. Keep stuff to yourself, I learned this a long while ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It does seem sketchy that B’s DH’s colleague would back out in such a way that benefits B, and that DH is shrewd (if this assessment is from OP, not sure). It does almost seem like a set up, but of course this is speculation.

I agree with the PP’s question: did she swoop in an opportunistic fashion or did she sincerely empathize? If she swooped in without at least saying something like, that sucks, then I can see why you would feel resentful.

Is she generally a good friend? Sometimes we can all act in a greedy or regrettable manner. If she’s overall a good friend, then maybe some distance will help.

If she’s not been a good friend, then do what you want: ghost, say you found another buyer, etc.

RE: the $2k, to not feel so bad about it, you can look at it like a gym membership. $167/mo for a gym membership is not out of bounds.

OP here. Yes, she did swoop in as soon as she learned that the buyer backed out. She almost immediately had reserved movers and someone to disassemble it tomorrow, literally within 10 minutes of the conversation about the buyer backing out (this makes me wonder if she had already prearranged this because she knew before me that the buyer was backing out, and if so, what was her involvement in that, though not sure how fair that is). Our other friend has pointed out that she could have offered to message her friend group while I was dealing with packing, etc, to help me find another last minute buyer because she knows a lot of expats with the means to pay for it (her kids stable/pony friends' parents, etc) but her priority seemed to be locking down the free treadmill for herself as quickly as possible.

I don't know. I am not great with confrontation, so I will probably just remain very guarded and not talk much when she comes tomorrow to take it. Then I will let the friendship fade.

Thanks for the replies here. I have found myself in situations in the past where I let someone take advantage of me. It's my own character flaw or personal issue, I guess. I am going to try to be more guarded in the future.

[Anonymous]

I would open it up and remove/damage something important. Leave her with a repair bill

[Anonymous]

I have never been an expat. I have been the one in the US who has international friends move back home and have sales or give way items before moving back home. My parents were international students and then immigrants to the US also.

If you have something to sell, you try to sell it. Valuable items are sold. Smaller items sold at bargain and then at the end, you give everything away.

It sounds like your treadmill did not have the same resale value in this country if you could not find a replacement buyer. You could have dropped the price to even $100 instead of giving it to your friend.

Just for reference, we have a peloton. We spent $2000 on it. It used to be a high demand item. At some point, I may have gotten a lot for resale but not anymore. I would expect to give it away for free for an older model since there is a new model out and everyone who wants one already has one in my area or would want the new model. We also have a treadmill and rower that cost a lot at some point. I would expect to give these away for free or at steep discount, meaning 10% of cost, nowhere near 50%.

Your friend wanted your treadmill. You said no. You found another buyer. The buyer backed out. You could find another buyer if there was another buyer. There is no buyer so you now can give it to your friend. If you really don’t want to give it to her, don’t give it to her but I don’t think you should get mad at her for it.

While it is not a treadmill, it is pretty common to leave other expensive kitchen appliances or a bed or table you cannot take overseas. Your 1k price was probably too high for this poor country. You could have asked your friend for a trade as well and she could have said yes or no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the people who are mad about you buying the treadmill. That's beside the point.

I want to really break down your friend's behavior here, to understand what about it is problematic.

It is fine she asked for the treadmill for free. She didn't know your precise situation. It never hurts to ask.

But you said no, you needed to sell it, because the money was important for your move. She heard this, right? You said "no, I can't give it to you, I need the money," right?

And then she proceeded to ignore your "no" and plead and harass you about it for months. THIS is the problematic behavior. Not her wanting the treadmill for free. Who cares what her finances are. Who cares what your finances are. The point is that she asked, you said no, she refused to accept that.

And then when your buyer backed out, was she empathetic? Did she care how this would impact you negatively? Was she even apologetic when she "offered" again to take it for free? I sense no. She was victorious. She got what she wanted.

Ignore the financial factors here. They feel important but they are not. I have seen a friendship play out like this even when the pair have the same finances.

She is not merely a user or an opportunity. She is aggressive. She does not see you as a person in the same way she thinks of herself as a person. You are a resource from which she can extract what she wants-- companionship, stuff. She will never treat you as an equal. She does not respect you or care for you.

Move on. People like this just cause strife over and over. You will never get out of this relationship what you put in.

This was well thought out. I totally agree with this.

+1 Perhaps if OP’s friend were more tuned in, thoughtful or empathetic then OP wouldn’t be feeling like she’d rather leave the treadmill in the home to be thrown out than give it to her friend. OP, you are not being petty; your friend is being thoughtless and self-absorbed.

+2 she's a bad friend, a user. There was a way to ask to have it graciously and with understanding but she didn't do that. You have nothing to lose in being honest with her if you'd like to salvage the friendship. But if you don't, if most of your relationship is like that, feel free to ghost her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does seem sketchy that B’s DH’s colleague would back out in such a way that benefits B, and that DH is shrewd (if this assessment is from OP, not sure). It does almost seem like a set up, but of course this is speculation.

I agree with the PP’s question: did she swoop in an opportunistic fashion or did she sincerely empathize? If she swooped in without at least saying something like, that sucks, then I can see why you would feel resentful.

Is she generally a good friend? Sometimes we can all act in a greedy or regrettable manner. If she’s overall a good friend, then maybe some distance will help.

If she’s not been a good friend, then do what you want: ghost, say you found another buyer, etc.

RE: the $2k, to not feel so bad about it, you can look at it like a gym membership. $167/mo for a gym membership is not out of bounds.

OP here. Yes, she did swoop in as soon as she learned that the buyer backed out. She almost immediately had reserved movers and someone to disassemble it tomorrow, literally within 10 minutes of the conversation about the buyer backing out (this makes me wonder if she had already prearranged this because she knew before me that the buyer was backing out, and if so, what was her involvement in that, though not sure how fair that is). Our other friend has pointed out that she could have offered to message her friend group while I was dealing with packing, etc, to help me find another last minute buyer because she knows a lot of expats with the means to pay for it (her kids stable/pony friends' parents, etc) but her priority seemed to be locking down the free treadmill for herself as quickly as possible.

I don't know. I am not great with confrontation, so I will probably just remain very guarded and not talk much when she comes tomorrow to take it. Then I will let the friendship fade.

Thanks for the replies here. I have found myself in situations in the past where I let someone take advantage of me. It's my own character flaw or personal issue, I guess. I am going to try to be more guarded in the future.

I’m sorry but it is pretty ridiculous for you to expect her to help you find a buyer. I can’t imagine someone wanting me to reach out to my friends to sell something used for them.

I think you should just take this treadmill with you back home if it means so much to you.

I am a rich SAHM. DH lets me spend what I want and if I wanted this, I would have bought it from you. I don’t normally like to buy items used. I would rather buy the treadmill new. I once had a friend who was moving who had a bike and was moving. I tried out her bike and it was ok but I didn’t love it. She wanted $100 for the $500 bike. When she moved, she did not give me the bike. I would have taken it for free but she didn’t offer and I didn’t ask. She would rather take the bike than give it to me for free. We are still friends. No big deal.

Not all SAHM situations are the same. Some husbands are very controlling with how the money is spent.

[Anonymous]

I actually think you can find a buyer with days to go. People can find a buyer for a car. I think your problem is that there is no buyer for this expensive treadmill in the country you are in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does seem sketchy that B’s DH’s colleague would back out in such a way that benefits B, and that DH is shrewd (if this assessment is from OP, not sure). It does almost seem like a set up, but of course this is speculation.

I agree with the PP’s question: did she swoop in an opportunistic fashion or did she sincerely empathize? If she swooped in without at least saying something like, that sucks, then I can see why you would feel resentful.

Is she generally a good friend? Sometimes we can all act in a greedy or regrettable manner. If she’s overall a good friend, then maybe some distance will help.

If she’s not been a good friend, then do what you want: ghost, say you found another buyer, etc.

RE: the $2k, to not feel so bad about it, you can look at it like a gym membership. $167/mo for a gym membership is not out of bounds.

OP here. Yes, she did swoop in as soon as she learned that the buyer backed out. She almost immediately had reserved movers and someone to disassemble it tomorrow, literally within 10 minutes of the conversation about the buyer backing out (this makes me wonder if she had already prearranged this because she knew before me that the buyer was backing out, and if so, what was her involvement in that, though not sure how fair that is). Our other friend has pointed out that she could have offered to message her friend group while I was dealing with packing, etc, to help me find another last minute buyer because she knows a lot of expats with the means to pay for it (her kids stable/pony friends' parents, etc) but her priority seemed to be locking down the free treadmill for herself as quickly as possible.

I don't know. I am not great with confrontation, so I will probably just remain very guarded and not talk much when she comes tomorrow to take it. Then I will let the friendship fade.

Thanks for the replies here. I have found myself in situations in the past where I let someone take advantage of me. It's my own character flaw or personal issue, I guess. I am going to try to be more guarded in the future.

I’m sorry but it is pretty ridiculous for you to expect her to help you find a buyer. I can’t imagine someone wanting me to reach out to my friends to sell something used for them.

I think you should just take this treadmill with you back home if it means so much to you.

I am a rich SAHM. DH lets me spend what I want and if I wanted this, I would have bought it from you. I don’t normally like to buy items used. I would rather buy the treadmill new. I once had a friend who was moving who had a bike and was moving. I tried out her bike and it was ok but I didn’t love it. She wanted $100 for the $500 bike. When she moved, she did not give me the bike. I would have taken it for free but she didn’t offer and I didn’t ask. She would rather take the bike than give it to me for free. We are still friends. No big deal.

Not all SAHM situations are the same. Some husbands are very controlling with how the money is spent.

I DIDN'T expect her to help me find a buyer. Our other friend pointed out that it would have been more, well, friend-like, if she had OFFERED to do that herself, knowing the buyer had withdrawn and I am spending the last day packing.

The treadmill itself isn't that important to me. The relationship with my friend was the important thing. The treadmill issue is just an episode in the friendship.

Anyway, the issue here, I see, is that I need to be less weak and more careful in choosing my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does seem sketchy that B’s DH’s colleague would back out in such a way that benefits B, and that DH is shrewd (if this assessment is from OP, not sure). It does almost seem like a set up, but of course this is speculation.

I agree with the PP’s question: did she swoop in an opportunistic fashion or did she sincerely empathize? If she swooped in without at least saying something like, that sucks, then I can see why you would feel resentful.

Is she generally a good friend? Sometimes we can all act in a greedy or regrettable manner. If she’s overall a good friend, then maybe some distance will help.

If she’s not been a good friend, then do what you want: ghost, say you found another buyer, etc.

RE: the $2k, to not feel so bad about it, you can look at it like a gym membership. $167/mo for a gym membership is not out of bounds.

OP here. Yes, she did swoop in as soon as she learned that the buyer backed out. She almost immediately had reserved movers and someone to disassemble it tomorrow, literally within 10 minutes of the conversation about the buyer backing out (this makes me wonder if she had already prearranged this because she knew before me that the buyer was backing out, and if so, what was her involvement in that, though not sure how fair that is). Our other friend has pointed out that she could have offered to message her friend group while I was dealing with packing, etc, to help me find another last minute buyer because she knows a lot of expats with the means to pay for it (her kids stable/pony friends' parents, etc) but her priority seemed to be locking down the free treadmill for herself as quickly as possible.

I don't know. I am not great with confrontation, so I will probably just remain very guarded and not talk much when she comes tomorrow to take it. Then I will let the friendship fade.

Thanks for the replies here. I have found myself in situations in the past where I let someone take advantage of me. It's my own character flaw or personal issue, I guess. I am going to try to be more guarded in the future.

I’m sorry but it is pretty ridiculous for you to expect her to help you find a buyer. I can’t imagine someone wanting me to reach out to my friends to sell something used for them.

I think you should just take this treadmill with you back home if it means so much to you.

I am a rich SAHM. DH lets me spend what I want and if I wanted this, I would have bought it from you. I don’t normally like to buy items used. I would rather buy the treadmill new. I once had a friend who was moving who had a bike and was moving. I tried out her bike and it was ok but I didn’t love it. She wanted $100 for the $500 bike. When she moved, she did not give me the bike. I would have taken it for free but she didn’t offer and I didn’t ask. She would rather take the bike than give it to me for free. We are still friends. No big deal.

Not all SAHM situations are the same. Some husbands are very controlling with how the money is spent.

I DIDN'T expect her to help me find a buyer. Our other friend pointed out that it would have been more, well, friend-like, if she had OFFERED to do that herself, knowing the buyer had withdrawn and I am spending the last day packing.

The treadmill itself isn't that important to me. The relationship with my friend was the important thing. The treadmill issue is just an episode in the friendship.

Anyway, the issue here, I see, is that I need to be less weak and more careful in choosing my friends.

You could have said no to the friend.

My mom has vulture type friends who are kind of annoying wanting free stuff people don’t want. I find the personality trait annoying but my mom seems to not mind.

It sounds like you will be bitter and upset about this treadmill for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the people who are mad about you buying the treadmill. That's beside the point.

I want to really break down your friend's behavior here, to understand what about it is problematic.

It is fine she asked for the treadmill for free. She didn't know your precise situation. It never hurts to ask.

But you said no, you needed to sell it, because the money was important for your move. She heard this, right? You said "no, I can't give it to you, I need the money," right?

And then she proceeded to ignore your "no" and plead and harass you about it for months. THIS is the problematic behavior. Not her wanting the treadmill for free. Who cares what her finances are. Who cares what your finances are. The point is that she asked, you said no, she refused to accept that.

And then when your buyer backed out, was she empathetic? Did she care how this would impact you negatively? Was she even apologetic when she "offered" again to take it for free? I sense no. She was victorious. She got what she wanted.

Ignore the financial factors here. They feel important but they are not. I have seen a friendship play out like this even when the pair have the same finances.

She is not merely a user or an opportunity. She is aggressive. She does not see you as a person in the same way she thinks of herself as a person. You are a resource from which she can extract what she wants-- companionship, stuff. She will never treat you as an equal. She does not respect you or care for you.

Move on. People like this just cause strife over and over. You will never get out of this relationship what you put in.

+1

I’m almost 50. I’ve been lucky in that most of my friends have been great people. But I have had a string of taker friends - they are exhausting.

Consider this a $1,000 therapy session where you learn to trust your gut about people and do a slow fade.