Ranting about ex wife introducing our kids to her boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Just watch the opening scene to Russel crowes Unhinged over and over. Man that's a cathartic piece of cinema.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We only know OP's side. Your kids are not young. They will be ok. Don't tell them anything about the guy.
Kids don't care what mom did or you did. They wish you hadn't had any problems, but what's done is done. Don't continue this crap. I was that kid in the middle.
I screamed my head off to my dad about him telling me about mom doing this and that. I didn't care and still don't. Both are losers. One for cheating and the other for telling me. I have my own life.
My ex shows his girlfriends to our kid all the time. He is supposed to introduce them to me first per court order. He never has. Not a big deal. I know they are not there to hurt his child.

Yes just treat it like an accident. Mommy fell on your new daddy’s D.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We only know OP's side. Your kids are not young. They will be ok. Don't tell them anything about the guy.
Kids don't care what mom did or you did. They wish you hadn't had any problems, but what's done is done. Don't continue this crap. I was that kid in the middle.
I screamed my head off to my dad about him telling me about mom doing this and that. I didn't care and still don't. Both are losers. One for cheating and the other for telling me. I have my own life.
My ex shows his girlfriends to our kid all the time. He is supposed to introduce them to me first per court order. He never has. Not a big deal. I know they are not there to hurt his child.

Your perspective is helpful. And you are correct in the sense that I have only presented my side of the story. Looking at the past we both could have been better spouses, but I didn't feel the need to cheat or be physically or verbally abusive. She went a different route and that's her choice. Perhaps I just to come.to the realization that if it's not him it would be someone else that my children will eventually be introduced too. Regarding the kids when I am with them the focus is entirely on them and me. I do not bring up the failed marriage or their mom at all. That's the advice my lawyer gave me early on while we were going through the divorce process because she wanted me about parental alienation and it's consequences

[Anonymous]

OP, my kids love their stepdad.

I have no idea what his ex-wife and kids think about him, but that is not my concern.

Some other man raising my kids half the time is not the life I would have picked, but I am thankful that he is good with them and I have seen the love.

[Anonymous]

OP, I found a divorce support group really helpful, I'm a mom but I'm sure they have them for dads, too. I found one on Meet Up, we also did social stuff. I've seen churches sponsor divorce support groups, too. Was a good source of information as well as support, good therapists for kids, etc. Helped me more than individual therapy.

It gets easier, you are in the early days yet. Don't put your kids in the middle, let them be children. Having your family split up is bad enough without feeling pressure to "take sides."

Does this guy have kids himself? A parade of other people, including other kids, has been hard on my kids, especially on holidays, but focus on what YOU can control to make things as easy, less stressful and more stable for them.

The better co-parenting relationship you can have with ex the better for your kids. Do your best to process apart from them and just be solid and a rock as much as possible. Be no drama so they can have both parents at school events, sports, etc.

You will get through this. Ultimately, looking at mistakes you made in choosing, re: compatibility and in not making repairs in the marriage can help you if you look for another partner. For now, just take it day by day. Try to exercise, eat well and get sleep. I got a puppy and that was a happy diversion for my kids and it got me out and walking. The stress impact on your health is huge.

Your kids are lucky to have you. You'll all get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. You are entitled to this rant.

Thank you. I just wonder what is going to go through my kids minds as they navigate this. And I don't want to say much because in the state I am in I rather not say much. I have discussed with the ex for us to get them to see therapists even before she decides to introduce them but she went on a tirade about how they don't need therapy and that they will be fine etc

Your feelings about the AP -when I read this post all I could say was ooof, that’s rough. However you definitely need to keep it classy for the kids and maintain a good co-parenting relationship as much as possible.

Now I do disagree with ex on giving the kids an option for therapy. My parents had a very tumultuous divorce and it deeply impacted us. For me I had so much anger and feeling like I was abandoned and it impacted both the relationship with my parent that married their AP and how I formed romantic relationships when I was younger. It was also a difficult situation as a child having the space to navigate my emotions because you love your parents but at the same time you might feel hurt and unable to separate actions of a parent vs their actions as a spouse that also have an impact on the stability of the family unit. I couldn’t talk thru any of this with my parents as a child because it is such a parent/authority figure, no nuance or criticism type relationship at that age. I wish that I had the option for a neutral 3rd party. I don’t know how you can push other to to say that you want your kids to have better tools to handle situations than maybe both of you may have had and to give them the space to deal with confusion, anger, fear whatever without feeling like there are sides and they can’t love you both. I want to think/hope your ex doesn’t think they handled things the best way and as they say once you know better you do better with your kids. Giving them the tools to communicate and work thru things with a therapist is a way of doing better for your kids as a parent.

This could be the reasons my son hasn't really been himself. He has been more quiet than usual. We have joint legal custody and I am already trying to limit communications with her to the bare minimum. I hope we won't have to go to court over the kids seeing a therapist....I have had enough with the lawyer$ already.

[Anonymous]

I really disagree with some posters on DCUM who seem to have trouble moving past affair situations.

This person might end up as your children's stepfather. He might be a really decent guy, a good role model (yes, I know), despite having started out in an affair with a married woman. He probably has nothing against you. He probably wishes you well.

You have to extirpate the negative feelings, OP, with therapy or exercise or meditation. You're the only person you are hurting right now.

[Anonymous]

Wishes him well? Yeah that's easy to do after he effed his wife and is now going to get 50 pct of his kids time. Wish you well bro and all. Lmao.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the kids know she cheated on you with him?

OP here. I withheld that information. In their best interest when we informed them about the divorce we said it was a joint decision.....my son though who has been usually quite when he is around her. With me he is himself but with her he is just quite. My daughter is fine like nothing new is happening which is great.

I do not understand “covering” for her in this way.
Sorry but no.
This speaks to her integrity. And as parents we need to take responsibility for our actions and accept the consequences of our mistakes and poor judgment.
Even if that means saying “mom didn’t honor our vows and we are getting a divorce.” This doesn’t mean the marriage was perfect, but the kids do need to learn that there is a right and wrong way to end a marriage. SHE should be acknowledging that she made the poor choice to stay in the marriage and cheat rather than address any issues head on—even if her decision were to leave or to “mutually end the marriage”….those are very very different from deceiving and humiliating your spouse by having an affair and then guilting him into covering for you “for the sake of the kids”
—Bull$&@$
It’s not for the sake of the kids.
It’s to save HER from looking bad and she knows it.
This isn’t about you taking the high road, OP.
It’s about you being humiliated once again and manipulated into taking the “mutual” fall so that your kids will welcome her new “boyfriend” into their lives with open hearts instead of with the disdain he deserves.

+1
Agree with this poster.
You don’t need to be angry and nasty about it. But it is okay to insist on speaking truth.
100% sure that she is the one who convinced OP that this was in the kids best interest

Who’s truth and how much of it?

The kids will 100% understand and probably ask about this when they’re older. OP should absolutely not lie to them if asked. But if he opens the door by saying something like “your mother had an affair with *future stepfather* and that’s why we divorced” he will have opened the door to whatever his ex wife’s justification for the affair (and she has one in her mind) to also be shared as truth. So unless and until OP is ready for his children to hear his wife’s side of things, he should refrain from sharing his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wishes him well? Yeah that's easy to do after he effed his wife and is now going to get 50 pct of his kids time. Wish you well bro and all. Lmao.

You're just twisting the knife and you're not helpful, PP. OP needs to move past this for his own mental and physical health, and his children's, and here you are, making it worse.

I complete agree with other posters that your children may not thank you, right now, for telling the entire truth, unless you can present it to them in a very calm and nonresentful way. They're still developing and don't have the maturity to deal with matters of cheating. Many adults don't either! It might be best to tell them when they're adults, and you have more perspective on it. Note that I didn't say never tell them! They deserve the truth! But not now, in the delicate throes of adolescence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wishes him well? Yeah that's easy to do after he effed his wife and is now going to get 50 pct of his kids time. Wish you well bro and all. Lmao.

You're just twisting the knife and you're not helpful, PP. OP needs to move past this for his own mental and physical health, and his children's, and here you are, making it worse.

I complete agree with other posters that your children may not thank you, right now, for telling the entire truth, unless you can present it to them in a very calm and nonresentful way. They're still developing and don't have the maturity to deal with matters of cheating. Many adults don't either! It might be best to tell them when they're adults, and you have more perspective on it. Note that I didn't say never tell them! They deserve the truth! But not now, in the delicate throes of adolescence

NP here. Your original post was totally thoughtless. I’m sure some serial killers wish the families of their victims well. They are still terrible human beings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wishes him well? Yeah that's easy to do after he effed his wife and is now going to get 50 pct of his kids time. Wish you well bro and all. Lmao.

You're just twisting the knife and you're not helpful, PP. OP needs to move past this for his own mental and physical health, and his children's, and here you are, making it worse.

I complete agree with other posters that your children may not thank you, right now, for telling the entire truth, unless you can present it to them in a very calm and nonresentful way. They're still developing and don't have the maturity to deal with matters of cheating. Many adults don't either! It might be best to tell them when they're adults, and you have more perspective on it. Note that I didn't say never tell them! They deserve the truth! But not now, in the delicate throes of adolescence

NP here. Your original post was totally thoughtless. I’m sure some serial killers wish the families of their victims well. They are still terrible human beings.

I was the opposite of thoughtless. I have a lot of perspective on the matter - such as 20 years after the fact. It serves no purpose to think of the affair partner as someone who is a terrible human being. OP is understandably stuck on this, but our job, as third party anonymous advice givers on DCUM, is to help him decrease his resentment and perceived (not real) sense of inadequacy.

If you don't do that, I have to believe you're not really trying to help OP. You just want him to wallow in his pain. Not friendly at all.

[Anonymous]

Yeah maybe telling him to just get over it will work, or something. He should be mad as hell. Being mad can be a pretty powerful form of motivation if channeled correctly. He now has 50% time to himself to do whatever he wants to do. Build a social life, get new hobbies, pump out some hate sets at the gym. Everyone here's just babbling pseudo therapy nonsense they see in tiktok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wishes him well? Yeah that's easy to do after he effed his wife and is now going to get 50 pct of his kids time. Wish you well bro and all. Lmao.

You're just twisting the knife and you're not helpful, PP. OP needs to move past this for his own mental and physical health, and his children's, and here you are, making it worse.

I complete agree with other posters that your children may not thank you, right now, for telling the entire truth, unless you can present it to them in a very calm and nonresentful way. They're still developing and don't have the maturity to deal with matters of cheating. Many adults don't either! It might be best to tell them when they're adults, and you have more perspective on it. Note that I didn't say never tell them! They deserve the truth! But not now, in the delicate throes of adolescence

NP here. Your original post was totally thoughtless. I’m sure some serial killers wish the families of their victims well. They are still terrible human beings.

I was the opposite of thoughtless. I have a lot of perspective on the matter - such as 20 years after the fact. It serves no purpose to think of the affair partner as someone who is a terrible human being. OP is understandably stuck on this, but our job, as third party anonymous advice givers on DCUM, is to help him decrease his resentment and perceived (not real) sense of inadequacy.

If you don't do that, I have to believe you're not really trying to help OP. You just want him to wallow in his pain. Not friendly at all.

The affair partner is, objectively, a terrible human being. We don’t need to gaslight the OP into pretending he is not.

It is important that we speak truthfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. You are entitled to this rant.

+1. I don’t understand how people be so low - be married and cheat.