Ranting about ex wife introducing our kids to her boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope he’s decent to your kids!

OP here I hope so too. I have no plans to ever meet him. Ex wife has the responsibility to ensure that he is good with the kids. I am not too worried about that because 99% of men honestly even if they don't like kids they will be sensitive to another man's children. 6 months anyways is really.....but what can I do nothing.

You may have to change your tune if they marry. Your kids might get married. Would you skip the ceremony just because you might meet him?

Not OP I would. I skipped our kids milestones because I cannot be in the same room with my ex husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As angry as you are (and have a right to be), focus on what is best for your kids and take the high road towards the guy and tell him (and Ex) that everyone being cordial adults and a unified parenting front is the best thing for the kids. Request that he really make an effort to be kind and understanding with them, since their world is upended. In the end, the only person whom you can control in this situation is yourself, so be the best version of yourself in the moment and go rant full throttle to close friends when alone. You need to be the rock for your kids. And that karma will come back to you.

+1

Handle it with class. The kids will grow up and figure out the situation and come to their own conclusions about what happened. You’re living in the moment now with the cards you’ve been dealt. They will have their own thoughts about their mother one day.

We are all supportive of the op but,honestly we don't know the reasons for the divorce and why she cheated. It maybe that she is the total villian but, it maybe more nuanced than that. You can be a good mother and still have an affair and divorce the dad. Isn't that what we would say if it was the father? Everyone would say "don't take away the father from the kids!"

I don't know the situation obviously but, let's not assume Op's ex-wife is the total baddy

Don’t bring rational thought to a DCUM cheating thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As angry as you are (and have a right to be), focus on what is best for your kids and take the high road towards the guy and tell him (and Ex) that everyone being cordial adults and a unified parenting front is the best thing for the kids. Request that he really make an effort to be kind and understanding with them, since their world is upended. In the end, the only person whom you can control in this situation is yourself, so be the best version of yourself in the moment and go rant full throttle to close friends when alone. You need to be the rock for your kids. And that karma will come back to you.

+1

Handle it with class. The kids will grow up and figure out the situation and come to their own conclusions about what happened. You’re living in the moment now with the cards you’ve been dealt. They will have their own thoughts about their mother one day.

We are all supportive of the op but,honestly we don't know the reasons for the divorce and why she cheated. It maybe that she is the total villian but, it maybe more nuanced than that. You can be a good mother and still have an affair and divorce the dad. Isn't that what we would say if it was the father? Everyone would say "don't take away the father from the kids!"

I don't know the situation obviously but, let's not assume Op's ex-wife is the total baddy

No, that's a safe assumption. OP's wife is a cheating whore. That makes her a bad person. Full stop.

I have said this before. When women have an affair OMG so many justifications to the point of acceptance. Men admit their affair. Women don't deny them but they will spend the next several weeks explaining to you that they "deserved" to have an affair because YOU (lousy husband) had a million changes to take care of HER NEEDS and failed. Now let's go to therapy so you can understand how unhappy I am and YOU need to take me back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am not a therapist and I have never been in this situation, but I would gently suggest that you rethink this....

Too many therapists normalize and try to take the stigma out of immoral events. Just leads to more selfishness and irresponsibility. Parents made a life long commitment to each other and the family. Sin is sin. Wrong is wrong. Truth is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope he’s decent to your kids!

OP here I hope so too. I have no plans to ever meet him. Ex wife has the responsibility to ensure that he is good with the kids. I am not too worried about that because 99% of men honestly even if they don't like kids they will be sensitive to another man's children. 6 months anyways is really.....but what can I do nothing.

I’m sorry to have to be playing devils advocate but the devils work is abundant in this world.

By no means whatsoever are 99% of men okay with another man’s children. We only need to look at the statistics of who is abusing children to know that mothers boyfriend gets a big chunk of the stats on all forms of child abuse.

I’m not trying to upset you or make you paranoid, but I do heartily encourage you to keep a good open dialogue with your kids about how they are feeling and how they are being treated at moms by BF. Especially if your kids are girls.

Sorry, but from a former prosecutor and former advocate for abused children, it needed saying. Be aware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As angry as you are (and have a right to be), focus on what is best for your kids and take the high road towards the guy and tell him (and Ex) that everyone being cordial adults and a unified parenting front is the best thing for the kids. Request that he really make an effort to be kind and understanding with them, since their world is upended. In the end, the only person whom you can control in this situation is yourself, so be the best version of yourself in the moment and go rant full throttle to close friends when alone. You need to be the rock for your kids. And that karma will come back to you.

+1

Handle it with class. The kids will grow up and figure out the situation and come to their own conclusions about what happened. You’re living in the moment now with the cards you’ve been dealt. They will have their own thoughts about their mother one day.

We are all supportive of the op but,honestly we don't know the reasons for the divorce and why she cheated. It maybe that she is the total villian but, it maybe more nuanced than that. You can be a good mother and still have an affair and divorce the dad. Isn't that what we would say if it was the father? Everyone would say "don't take away the father from the kids!"

I don't know the situation obviously but, let's not assume Op's ex-wife is the total baddy

No, that's a safe assumption. OP's wife is a cheating whore. That makes her a bad person. Full stop.

I have said this before. When women have an affair OMG so many justifications to the point of acceptance. Men admit their affair. Women don't deny them but they will spend the next several weeks explaining to you that they "deserved" to have an affair because YOU (lousy husband) had a million changes to take care of HER NEEDS and failed. Now let's go to therapy so you can understand how unhappy I am and YOU need to take me back.

I don't think men admit their affairs. Affair is a gender neutral issue. Women are emotional creature. Their emotions can make them do really bad decisions such as having an affair. We men cannot relate to that. Women are intense lover
We are not. A man will not cheat because his wife is not showing him enough love or failing to compliment him enough. The man cheat because he can't control his impulses and often it means nothing to him. He is just seeking to fulfill a quick need. Women are different. For this reason if you are a man and are not committed 100% to loving your wife and doing all the love stuff do not get married or else she will replace you.

[Anonymous]

What provisions can I write in the Parenting Plan to avoid this situation? My almost XH wants to move in with his AP and have kid overnights almost immediately. Totally immoral. I hate him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What provisions can I write in the Parenting Plan to avoid this situation? My almost XH wants to move in with his AP and have kid overnights almost immediately. Totally immoral. I hate him

You really can’t. He’s not going to agree to it, and a judge won’t impose it. Judges really don’t care about infidelity (certainly not from a custody perspective), and definitely not about who your husband dates after you separate.

You can put in a requirement that you notify each other if your kids are sleeping somewhere else, but you can’t really say who your husband can and can’t spend time with when he has the kids. And you don’t want to use your kids to spy and tattle on the other parent. That’s alienation, and judges do care about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope he’s decent to your kids!

OP here I hope so too. I have no plans to ever meet him. Ex wife has the responsibility to ensure that he is good with the kids. I am not too worried about that because 99% of men honestly even if they don't like kids they will be sensitive to another man's children. 6 months anyways is really.....but what can I do nothing.

You may have to change your tune if they marry. Your kids might get married. Would you skip the ceremony just because you might meet him?

Not OP I would. I skipped our kids milestones because I cannot be in the same room with my ex husband

I am sure your kids appreciated your inability to focus on anyone except yourself.

[Anonymous]

Not OP I would. I skipped our kids milestones because I cannot be in the same room with my ex husband

Wow - this is selfish on another level. Your disdain for your ex superseded your love for your children? At that point, it’s definitely a you problem.

[Anonymous]

The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. As the OP goes along this journey and time passes they’ll realize that they just don’t care anymore how or what or even who the XW is doing. It takes a lot of time, a lot of work on oneself and acceptance of the situation.

When I first got divorced every new woman my XH paraded around our kids was a gigantic gut punch. I’m eight years out now and he hasn’t taken up any headspace for a few years. Our youngest just graduated college and I didn’t even see him even though we were both in town for several days. I probably won’t see him again until a kid gets married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not OP I would. I skipped our kids milestones because I cannot be in the same room with my ex husband

Wow - this is selfish on another level. Your disdain for your ex superseded your love for your children? At that point, it’s definitely a you problem.

Why are we judging her without knowing the full story. Would you be in the same room with a spouse who physically abused you or verbally tortured you endlessly? Please let us not judge. She may have her reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What provisions can I write in the Parenting Plan to avoid this situation? My almost XH wants to move in with his AP and have kid overnights almost immediately. Totally immoral. I hate him

You really can’t. He’s not going to agree to it, and a judge won’t impose it. Judges really don’t care about infidelity (certainly not from a custody perspective), and definitely not about who your husband dates after you separate.

You can put in a requirement that you notify each other if your kids are sleeping somewhere else, but you can’t really say who your husband can and can’t spend time with when he has the kids. And you don’t want to use your kids to spy and tattle on the other parent. That’s alienation, and judges do care about that.

+1. Sadly he is correct. That other 50% is almost beyond your control. The only you can do is hope and pray (if you are religious or spiritual) that everything ends well. Unfortunately any court intervention is always post facto. Even if you have doubts suspicion about certain things a judge will most likely only take action after your worst fear has been materialized. Divorce when you have children stinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope he’s decent to your kids!

OP here I hope so too. I have no plans to ever meet him. Ex wife has the responsibility to ensure that he is good with the kids. I am not too worried about that because 99% of men honestly even if they don't like kids they will be sensitive to another man's children. 6 months anyways is really.....but what can I do nothing.

I’m sorry to have to be playing devils advocate but the devils work is abundant in this world.

By no means whatsoever are 99% of men okay with another man’s children. We only need to look at the statistics of who is abusing children to know that mothers boyfriend gets a big chunk of the stats on all forms of child abuse.

I’m not trying to upset you or make you paranoid, but I do heartily encourage you to keep a good open dialogue with your kids about how they are feeling and how they are being treated at moms by BF. Especially if your kids are girls.

Sorry, but from a former prosecutor and former advocate for abused children, it needed saying. Be aware. [/quote

And the worst part the girlfriend(their mom) will be in denial and/or even turn against her own kids. It's awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope he’s decent to your kids!

OP here I hope so too. I have no plans to ever meet him. Ex wife has the responsibility to ensure that he is good with the kids. I am not too worried about that because 99% of men honestly even if they don't like kids they will be sensitive to another man's children. 6 months anyways is really.....but what can I do nothing.

I’m sorry to have to be playing devils advocate but the devils work is abundant in this world.

By no means whatsoever are 99% of men okay with another man’s children. We only need to look at the statistics of who is abusing children to know that mothers boyfriend gets a big chunk of the stats on all forms of child abuse.

I’m not trying to upset you or make you paranoid, but I do heartily encourage you to keep a good open dialogue with your kids about how they are feeling and how they are being treated at moms by BF. Especially if your kids are girls.

Sorry, but from a former prosecutor and former advocate for abused children, it needed saying. Be aware.

Perhaps some self reflection on the type of people you see at your job...99% is super dramatic.

Most of the time, I see men that put up with it because they love the woman. I've seen men abandon their own children for a piece of a$$. Most men are not predators.