Ranting about ex wife introducing our kids to her boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the kids know she cheated on you with him?

OP here. I withheld that information. In their best interest when we informed them about the divorce we said it was a joint decision.....my son though who has been usually quite when he is around her. With me he is himself but with her he is just quite. My daughter is fine like nothing new is happening which is great.

I do not understand “covering” for her in this way.
Sorry but no.
This speaks to her integrity. And as parents we need to take responsibility for our actions and accept the consequences of our mistakes and poor judgment.
Even if that means saying “mom didn’t honor our vows and we are getting a divorce.” This doesn’t mean the marriage was perfect, but the kids do need to learn that there is a right and wrong way to end a marriage. SHE should be acknowledging that she made the poor choice to stay in the marriage and cheat rather than address any issues head on—even if her decision were to leave or to “mutually end the marriage”….those are very very different from deceiving and humiliating your spouse by having an affair and then guilting him into covering for you “for the sake of the kids”
—Bull$&@$
It’s not for the sake of the kids.
It’s to save HER from looking bad and she knows it.
This isn’t about you taking the high road, OP.
It’s about you being humiliated once again and manipulated into taking the “mutual” fall so that your kids will welcome her new “boyfriend” into their lives with open hearts instead of with the disdain he deserves.

+1
Agree with this poster.
You don’t need to be angry and nasty about it. But it is okay to insist on speaking truth.
100% sure that she is the one who convinced OP that this was in the kids best interest

Who’s truth and how much of it?

The kids will 100% understand and probably ask about this when they’re older. OP should absolutely not lie to them if asked. But if he opens the door by saying something like “your mother had an affair with *future stepfather* and that’s why we divorced” he will have opened the door to whatever his ex wife’s justification for the affair (and she has one in her mind) to also be shared as truth. So unless and until OP is ready for his children to hear his wife’s side of things, he should refrain from sharing his.

I don’t subscribe to someone’s owned truth. Just THE truth.
And the truth might be subjective on some points, but it is decidedly NOT true ti state that the decision was mutual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I really disagree with some posters on DCUM who seem to have trouble moving past affair situations.

This person might end up as your children's stepfather. He might be a really decent guy, a good role model (yes, I know), despite having started out in an affair with a married woman. He probably has nothing against you. He probably wishes you well.

You have to extirpate the negative feelings, OP, with therapy or exercise or meditation. You're the only person you are hurting right now.

Decent guys don’t have affairs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids, that's the guy mommy cheated with and broke up our marriage and made you divorced kids!

Yes, do that! Absolutely, turn your kids into your confidantes and therapists, make them feel guilty for even talking to their mom and hurting your feelings, offload your burdens on them. They will be really grateful for the parentification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah maybe telling him to just get over it will work, or something. He should be mad as hell. Being mad can be a pretty powerful form of motivation if channeled correctly. He now has 50% time to himself to do whatever he wants to do. Build a social life, get new hobbies, pump out some hate sets at the gym. Everyone here's just babbling pseudo therapy nonsense they see in tiktok.

10000% true. I was once fired from a job and my boss sat me down for 45 minutes going bullets points by bullets points telling me how much I was terrible at my job. 3 months later I got another job went from 100k to 115k and 1 year later a got another job and make $190k. I havent looked back since. I was very angry when I was first fired for "incompetence". It made me so motivated and I am not i am making the big bucks as they say lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the kids know she cheated on you with him?

OP here. I withheld that information. In their best interest when we informed them about the divorce we said it was a joint decision.....my son though who has been usually quite when he is around her. With me he is himself but with her he is just quite. My daughter is fine like nothing new is happening which is great.

I do not understand “covering” for her in this way.
Sorry but no.
This speaks to her integrity. And as parents we need to take responsibility for our actions and accept the consequences of our mistakes and poor judgment.
Even if that means saying “mom didn’t honor our vows and we are getting a divorce.” This doesn’t mean the marriage was perfect, but the kids do need to learn that there is a right and wrong way to end a marriage. SHE should be acknowledging that she made the poor choice to stay in the marriage and cheat rather than address any issues head on—even if her decision were to leave or to “mutually end the marriage”….those are very very different from deceiving and humiliating your spouse by having an affair and then guilting him into covering for you “for the sake of the kids”
—Bull$&@$
It’s not for the sake of the kids.
It’s to save HER from looking bad and she knows it.
This isn’t about you taking the high road, OP.
It’s about you being humiliated once again and manipulated into taking the “mutual” fall so that your kids will welcome her new “boyfriend” into their lives with open hearts instead of with the disdain he deserves.

+1
Agree with this poster.
You don’t need to be angry and nasty about it. But it is okay to insist on speaking truth.
100% sure that she is the one who convinced OP that this was in the kids best interest

Who’s truth and how much of it?

The kids will 100% understand and probably ask about this when they’re older. OP should absolutely not lie to them if asked. But if he opens the door by saying something like “your mother had an affair with *future stepfather* and that’s why we divorced” he will have opened the door to whatever his ex wife’s justification for the affair (and she has one in her mind) to also be shared as truth. So unless and until OP is ready for his children to hear his wife’s side of things, he should refrain from sharing his.

I don’t subscribe to someone’s owned truth. Just THE truth.
And the truth might be subjective on some points, but it is decidedly NOT true ti state that the decision was mutual.

Yes I agree on that part— OP should not have gone along with lying in the first place (unless he did want the divorce, once he discovered the cheating) and should have found a way to speak truthfully like saying Mom and Dad want different things etc.

But if he starts now saying we divorced because your mother had an affair with “Larlo” then when the kids confront her she will say “yes, I had an affair with Larlo because your father ________” and now the kids are in the middle of all their parents gross business and that’s not appropriate. The kids are old enough that in a very very few years they will ask Dad (or Mom, or even Larlo…) whether Larlo pre-dates the divorce, and then there’s no excuse for anything but the truth.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP. I’m so sorry. You seem like a nice guy. I hope you find someone who appreciates you. Your kids will eventually come to understand your ex wife’s role in this. They will be adults someday and will know who their reliable parent was. Be that parent.

[Anonymous]

Children follow your lead and absorb your attitude. All this crap about the kids finding out later about the AP and being angry is just nonsense. Talk up your ex and say positive things about the boyfriend. Protect your children by being happy and supportive. Vent with your friends and therapist. The ugly and bitter comments (about a parent they love) confuse and upset children. Life is not fair, be the bigger person and make the sacrifice for your children’s sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Children follow your lead and absorb your attitude. All this crap about the kids finding out later about the AP and being angry is just nonsense. Talk up your ex and say positive things about the boyfriend. Protect your children by being happy and supportive. Vent with your friends and therapist. The ugly and bitter comments (about a parent they love) confuse and upset children. Life is not fair, be the bigger person and make the sacrifice for your children’s sake.

And many adults are still dealing with one embittered and enraged parent who trash talks the ex for years, refuses to be at important family events with the new spouse, etc. It is so selfish and toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sucks but focus on making the adjustment as smoothly as you can for the kids.

Sorry you are going through this.

Keep what happened between you and your wife and this guy unmentioned. That could cause kids major issues. They don’t need to know. That would be parentification and really mess them up.

Kids should not be burdened with adult issues.

Be the best dad you can be on your time.

(-divorced woman)

I am a therapist and this is good advice. I have teen clients whose parents overshared about affairs and it really messes them up and causes all sorts of mistrust and attachment issues with BOTH parents. Do not do it!!!

[Anonymous]

Don't get me started OP. Same! My ex took every opportunity to introduce women to my son. He even had multiple different women visit when our son was in the hospital. It was disgusting. We're about a decade out from that and the behavior has stopped, he's married and my son doesn't remember most just one relationship that was particularly bad / abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I really disagree with some posters on DCUM who seem to have trouble moving past affair situations.

This person might end up as your children's stepfather. He might be a really decent guy, a good role model (yes, I know), despite having started out in an affair with a married woman. He probably has nothing against you. He probably wishes you well.

You have to extirpate the negative feelings, OP, with therapy or exercise or meditation. You're the only person you are hurting right now.

Decent guys don’t have affairs

True, and sh!t happens to good folx. Also true.

Decent people also make bad decisions. You have. I have. OP has. Staying butthurt about it keeps it alive. Put it down. Drop the rock. Focus on what you can control: yourself.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice OP but I am sorry for what you are going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope he’s decent to your kids!

OP here I hope so too. I have no plans to ever meet him. Ex wife has the responsibility to ensure that he is good with the kids. I am not too worried about that because 99% of men honestly even if they don't like kids they will be sensitive to another man's children. 6 months anyways is really.....but what can I do nothing.

I am not a therapist and I have never been in this situation, but I would gently suggest that you rethink this. The best thing you can do for your kids is make their lives happy, and that may involve you attending an event with your ex and her boyfriend at some point for your kids' sake. I wonder if there's a way you can reframe the way you see him from the guy who was your wife's AP to the guy who is now spending time with your kids. Like if you can see him for what he is now and therefore be able to treat him like someone who is hanging around your boys. Again, I'm not saying that's the right answer, but maybe it would help. I had to make a shift with a friend (which I know is completely not the same thing and I am not trying to minimize your situation at all), where I went from viewing her as someone I could trust and rely on to someone I could simply have small doses of fun with. I can't avoid being around her, although that would be my first choice, so I almost had to mentally kill the old friend and allow a new "friend" to be born, with whom I have a totally different relationship. Anyway, just a thought. I'm sorry about the situation you're in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. You are entitled to this rant.

Thank you. I just wonder what is going to go through my kids minds as they navigate this. And I don't want to say much because in the state I am in I rather not say much. I have discussed with the ex for us to get them to see therapists even before she decides to introduce them but she went on a tirade about how they don't need therapy and that they will be fine etc

They know their mom is the reason their family broke up.

[Anonymous]

I am in the camp of not ever meeting the AP. I can't see how a man would actually shake hand with a guy who has some responsibility in his divorce. This is the problem folks pretend it's about the kids no it's not. It's about appeasing the guilty ex.