Does anyone live in a community that is “too much” socially?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our larger neighborhood has a few areas that are very social, with bonfires, tailgates, formal parties, golf outings, pickleball parties- it goes on and on. We live on the fringes on a street with friendly people but no pressure to formally socialize- our style is more standing on the street the night before trash day and chatting for an hour after we've all brought our trash cans out. Sometimes we feel a little left out at the community pool or school events because we're not part of that circle, but otherwise I don't feel any fomo. I think that it's a pretty self-selecting group and there are plenty of people who live in that area who are quiet and chill, but the go unnoticed everyone else is constantly broadcasting their social lives and friendships.

When we had the chance to move to a nicer house in the more social part of the neighborhood, we realized that it would be a really bad fit for us and decided to stay in our current house. We also realized that there was a level of drinking and edible use in that crowd that we'd never be able to or want to keep up with.

This sounds exactly like my neighborhood, including our location on the fringes. I used to get fomo occasionally when my kids were little—not only were the very social blocks doing stuff all the time, but they were constantly posting about it on social media, too. Like, we get it! You’re so much fun! The handful of times we were included, I realized that it wasn’t really that much fun after all. Annoying personalities and alcohol consumption that was surprising to me. (I’m not a pearl clutcher, I used to drink a fair amount myself, but these people were seriously trying to drink some demons away.)

My kids are teens now and most of those old cliques kind of faded or morphed—due to Covid years or divorces, or just kids outgrowing the friendships.

+1. Thank. God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What line of work are most of these people in? It sounds a lot like a bedroom community where the dads all commute to Big City to work similar industries. You should live in a university town. Academics aren't like this, they are much more diverse in origin and tend to have lived all over before settling into a tenured position.

Agreed, the latter is actually how I grew up - MUCH more interesting people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone want this? The only thing you have in common with all these people is you are all parents living on the same block. That doesn't make a friendship. I guess I'm just very picky.

Because it's great for kids and teens to have friends they live near. Idk, the whole neighborhood scene was so important to me growing up, I would have hated not having it. The adults in our neighborhood were really social as well.

It's weird that people think proximity is the main ingredient for friendships. That probably works in lower elementary. By age 10, personalities and interests are apparent and two neighbors who have nothing in common aren't going to be friends just because it's a short walk to each other's house. It's great when nearby kids can be good friends, but it's not something you should expect or take for granted.

Umm no proximity is a strong if not the strongest predictor of friendships.
https://steemit.com/steemiteducation/@aceaeterna/psychology-of-interpersonal-relationships-proximity#:~:text=Proximity%20is%20the%20strongest%20indicator,a%20factor%20in%20interpersonal%20attraction.

Depends on the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I swear some of you might be my neighbors. We had a weird trend of people guilting those who weren't so eager to socialize. If you don't join, you're accused of being lonely and if you join, you regret it.

Same. There are a couple genuinely friendly moms (grew up in big families and are now spread out), who like to socialize, and like to arrange occasional (only occasional) get togethers, but the less social moms take it the wrong way - or if the less social moms have bad intentions, they want to assume others do, also. The latter are usually manipulative about whom their kids (usually girls) hang out with, which is kind of well, gross.

[Anonymous]

Must be hard to be rich. Who is taking care of the kids while adults are headed to Napa and Kentucky Derby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My neighborhood is exactly like this and it is so stressful. Truthfully I’m relieved to see this post because I thought it was just me who found it stressful! The constant texting and politics and gatherings and feelings about the gatherings. The groups and subgroups and venn diagrams or groups. Little overt drama but a lot simmering just under the surface. It’s exhausting. People also told me it would calm down in middle school, but it hasn’t. The group has largely stayed together, I think mostly because of the orchestration from the parents. I have definitely started to become the one who backs away but fear my kid being left out because of it.

My neighborhood turned into this starting in COVID. It is stressful, and it's not relaxing to live somewhere where you have some friends and can generally just relax, but instead are dealing with neighborhood drama. We also live in a small and insular neighborhood in the DC area. Because of it's geographic location, it doesn't just blend into the next neighborhood. Our neighborhood is not wealthy enough for group trips to Napa or the Kentucky Derby, there were formerly group vacations and camping trips to the Outer Banks, lakes, local ski trips. Pre-COVID there was some neighborhood drama, largely centered around one family who tended to be cliquey, gossipy, and generally just create drama. The dad would allude that other fathers were alcoholics, abusive husbands, etc. These people were not - but the dad just didn't like them, and was trying to exclude them and keep other people from hanging out with them. The mom is just a lot of drama, very judgmental towards other kids, etc. Honestly, it took DH and I several years to catch on to this family and what they were doing. During COVID, two more rather similar families moved into the neighborhood with the same age kids. These two new families have quadrupled the drama. Lots more fake niceness, events where the kids run around feral while adults get obnoxiously drunk, group text drama, etc. For me, I saw through one of the new moms when she planned a big drinking party for the neighborhood the night that I was hosting a sleepover for DS's birthday involving neighborhood kids. She actually called me and said something along the lines of, "Oh you don't mind that I'm going to host this fun party, while you're watching all of the boys, do you??? I totally forgot that you'd already planned this." Then at that party, an actual argument broke out between two other moms over some group text drama - which resulted in more group text drama. Things largely simmered along for about 6 months after that, but there was a big falling out created by the original family. I don't want to out myself, but the family at the center of that issue is actually involved in litigation because of it. (No one was injured).

At the same, time - my kids have gotten older and are more involved in activities outside of the neighborhood. It is a disappointment though to not really have that atmosphere of kids riding around the neighborhood on bikes in packs, largely due to the social engineering efforts of a few. I have a few good friends, but it's not the environment that I thought it would be. Honestly, if interest rates weren't so high, I would probably move to a more centrally located and larger neighborhood.

Even more families have moved to the neighborhood and there is a new large group chat for all of the moms. Full of multiple sub-group chats, fractions, cliques, etc. Many of the kids are younger, I do wonder if it's a repeating cycle and if drama amongst these younger families will also occur.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why wouldn't parents want their kids/teens to have neighborhood friends? Why would they want anti social neighbors? A social neighborhood that does things is so much fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighborhood is exactly like this and it is so stressful. Truthfully I’m relieved to see this post because I thought it was just me who found it stressful! The constant texting and politics and gatherings and feelings about the gatherings. The groups and subgroups and venn diagrams or groups. Little overt drama but a lot simmering just under the surface. It’s exhausting. People also told me it would calm down in middle school, but it hasn’t. The group has largely stayed together, I think mostly because of the orchestration from the parents. I have definitely started to become the one who backs away but fear my kid being left out because of it.

My neighborhood turned into this starting in COVID. It is stressful, and it's not relaxing to live somewhere where you have some friends and can generally just relax, but instead are dealing with neighborhood drama. We also live in a small and insular neighborhood in the DC area. Because of it's geographic location, it doesn't just blend into the next neighborhood. Our neighborhood is not wealthy enough for group trips to Napa or the Kentucky Derby, there were formerly group vacations and camping trips to the Outer Banks, lakes, local ski trips. Pre-COVID there was some neighborhood drama, largely centered around one family who tended to be cliquey, gossipy, and generally just create drama. The dad would allude that other fathers were alcoholics, abusive husbands, etc. These people were not - but the dad just didn't like them, and was trying to exclude them and keep other people from hanging out with them. The mom is just a lot of drama, very judgmental towards other kids, etc. Honestly, it took DH and I several years to catch on to this family and what they were doing. During COVID, two more rather similar families moved into the neighborhood with the same age kids. These two new families have quadrupled the drama. Lots more fake niceness, events where the kids run around feral while adults get obnoxiously drunk, group text drama, etc. For me, I saw through one of the new moms when she planned a big drinking party for the neighborhood the night that I was hosting a sleepover for DS's birthday involving neighborhood kids. She actually called me and said something along the lines of, "Oh you don't mind that I'm going to host this fun party, while you're watching all of the boys, do you??? I totally forgot that you'd already planned this." Then at that party, an actual argument broke out between two other moms over some group text drama - which resulted in more group text drama. Things largely simmered along for about 6 months after that, but there was a big falling out created by the original family. I don't want to out myself, but the family at the center of that issue is actually involved in litigation because of it. (No one was injured).

At the same, time - my kids have gotten older and are more involved in activities outside of the neighborhood. It is a disappointment though to not really have that atmosphere of kids riding around the neighborhood on bikes in packs, largely due to the social engineering efforts of a few. I have a few good friends, but it's not the environment that I thought it would be. Honestly, if interest rates weren't so high, I would probably move to a more centrally located and larger neighborhood.

Even more families have moved to the neighborhood and there is a new large group chat for all of the moms. Full of multiple sub-group chats, fractions, cliques, etc. Many of the kids are younger, I do wonder if it's a repeating cycle and if drama amongst these younger families will also occur.

I want to guess that this is Waynewood but the references to a small neighborhood make me think it isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why wouldn't parents want their kids/teens to have neighborhood friends? Why would they want anti social neighbors? A social neighborhood that does things is so much fun.

I want my DD to have neighborhood friends but I don't need to be super close friends with their parents. That's the difference. I'm friendly with my neighbors but I'm not spending every weekend with them or traveling with them just to give my kid built in friends. I am not anti social at all but I find it stifling to be expected to spend ALL my free time socializing with neighbors and to revolve our family life around what other people in the neighborhood are doing.

We run into stuff like this why friend activities. Some of the other parents of same-age kids in the neighborhood want the kids to do the same activities all the time, on the same teams, at the same time. They'll want to coordinate to get kids on these same soccer teams and signed up of rate same session of everything. To me, this is annoying because (1) I don't want my family schedule to revolve around what works for the five other families with kids in the same grade -- we have different work schedules, different expectations, and (2) I think it's good for my kid to meet new kids and have friends in a variety of different settings. She has neighborhood friends and some school friends and some friends she just knows through dance and some friends she knows through us (as we are friends with their parents from before we had kids). Camp friends, etc. Cousins. I do not need my kid to have some tight group of neighborhood pals with whom she does EVERYTHING, and I don't want that for myself either. IME, groups like that are very likely to run into friend drama because someone feels left out or because gossip is happening. But if you spread your socializing out, it's harder to feel left out -- if two of your neighborhood friends are closer to each other than they are to you, no big deal, you can go hang with your friends from some other setting. And there's no reason to gossip because your friends are not part of one, cohesive group so they don't all know each other and aren't all up in one another's business. It's healthier.

It's not neighborhood friends who are the problem. It's confining all your socializing to one small group who all know each other and never having time or will to spend time with others. I don't think that's healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighborhood is exactly like this and it is so stressful. Truthfully I’m relieved to see this post because I thought it was just me who found it stressful! The constant texting and politics and gatherings and feelings about the gatherings. The groups and subgroups and venn diagrams or groups. Little overt drama but a lot simmering just under the surface. It’s exhausting. People also told me it would calm down in middle school, but it hasn’t. The group has largely stayed together, I think mostly because of the orchestration from the parents. I have definitely started to become the one who backs away but fear my kid being left out because of it.

My neighborhood turned into this starting in COVID. It is stressful, and it's not relaxing to live somewhere where you have some friends and can generally just relax, but instead are dealing with neighborhood drama. We also live in a small and insular neighborhood in the DC area. Because of it's geographic location, it doesn't just blend into the next neighborhood. Our neighborhood is not wealthy enough for group trips to Napa or the Kentucky Derby, there were formerly group vacations and camping trips to the Outer Banks, lakes, local ski trips. Pre-COVID there was some neighborhood drama, largely centered around one family who tended to be cliquey, gossipy, and generally just create drama. The dad would allude that other fathers were alcoholics, abusive husbands, etc. These people were not - but the dad just didn't like them, and was trying to exclude them and keep other people from hanging out with them. The mom is just a lot of drama, very judgmental towards other kids, etc. Honestly, it took DH and I several years to catch on to this family and what they were doing. During COVID, two more rather similar families moved into the neighborhood with the same age kids. These two new families have quadrupled the drama. Lots more fake niceness, events where the kids run around feral while adults get obnoxiously drunk, group text drama, etc. For me, I saw through one of the new moms when she planned a big drinking party for the neighborhood the night that I was hosting a sleepover for DS's birthday involving neighborhood kids. She actually called me and said something along the lines of, "Oh you don't mind that I'm going to host this fun party, while you're watching all of the boys, do you??? I totally forgot that you'd already planned this." Then at that party, an actual argument broke out between two other moms over some group text drama - which resulted in more group text drama. Things largely simmered along for about 6 months after that, but there was a big falling out created by the original family. I don't want to out myself, but the family at the center of that issue is actually involved in litigation because of it. (No one was injured).

At the same, time - my kids have gotten older and are more involved in activities outside of the neighborhood. It is a disappointment though to not really have that atmosphere of kids riding around the neighborhood on bikes in packs, largely due to the social engineering efforts of a few. I have a few good friends, but it's not the environment that I thought it would be. Honestly, if interest rates weren't so high, I would probably move to a more centrally located and larger neighborhood.

Even more families have moved to the neighborhood and there is a new large group chat for all of the moms. Full of multiple sub-group chats, fractions, cliques, etc. Many of the kids are younger, I do wonder if it's a repeating cycle and if drama amongst these younger families will also occur.

I want to guess that this is Waynewood but the references to a small neighborhood make me think it isn’t.

Strong Waynewood vibes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why wouldn't parents want their kids/teens to have neighborhood friends? Why would they want anti social neighbors? A social neighborhood that does things is so much fun.

I want my DD to have neighborhood friends but I don't need to be super close friends with their parents. That's the difference. I'm friendly with my neighbors but I'm not spending every weekend with them or traveling with them just to give my kid built in friends. I am not anti social at all but I find it stifling to be expected to spend ALL my free time socializing with neighbors and to revolve our family life around what other people in the neighborhood are doing.

We run into stuff like this why friend activities. Some of the other parents of same-age kids in the neighborhood want the kids to do the same activities all the time, on the same teams, at the same time. They'll want to coordinate to get kids on these same soccer teams and signed up of rate same session of everything. To me, this is annoying because (1) I don't want my family schedule to revolve around what works for the five other families with kids in the same grade -- we have different work schedules, different expectations, and (2) I think it's good for my kid to meet new kids and have friends in a variety of different settings. She has neighborhood friends and some school friends and some friends she just knows through dance and some friends she knows through us (as we are friends with their parents from before we had kids). Camp friends, etc. Cousins. I do not need my kid to have some tight group of neighborhood pals with whom she does EVERYTHING, and I don't want that for myself either. IME, groups like that are very likely to run into friend drama because someone feels left out or because gossip is happening. But if you spread your socializing out, it's harder to feel left out -- if two of your neighborhood friends are closer to each other than they are to you, no big deal, you can go hang with your friends from some other setting. And there's no reason to gossip because your friends are not part of one, cohesive group so they don't all know each other and aren't all up in one another's business. It's healthier.

It's not neighborhood friends who are the problem. It's confining all your socializing to one small group who all know each other and never having time or will to spend time with others. I don't think that's healthy.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Group friendships are an investment--one that comes with costs, including being talked about occasionally. If you always have one foot out the door, then you'll be the first to be excluded.

Same goes for your kid, of course. If you don't want them to play sports or go to camp with the neighborhood kids, the friendships will naturally drift apart. If your kid has other strong friendships, then it's all good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why wouldn't parents want their kids/teens to have neighborhood friends? Why would they want anti social neighbors? A social neighborhood that does things is so much fun.

I want my DD to have neighborhood friends but I don't need to be super close friends with their parents. That's the difference. I'm friendly with my neighbors but I'm not spending every weekend with them or traveling with them just to give my kid built in friends. I am not anti social at all but I find it stifling to be expected to spend ALL my free time socializing with neighbors and to revolve our family life around what other people in the neighborhood are doing.

We run into stuff like this why friend activities. Some of the other parents of same-age kids in the neighborhood want the kids to do the same activities all the time, on the same teams, at the same time. They'll want to coordinate to get kids on these same soccer teams and signed up of rate same session of everything. To me, this is annoying because (1) I don't want my family schedule to revolve around what works for the five other families with kids in the same grade -- we have different work schedules, different expectations, and (2) I think it's good for my kid to meet new kids and have friends in a variety of different settings. She has neighborhood friends and some school friends and some friends she just knows through dance and some friends she knows through us (as we are friends with their parents from before we had kids). Camp friends, etc. Cousins. I do not need my kid to have some tight group of neighborhood pals with whom she does EVERYTHING, and I don't want that for myself either. IME, groups like that are very likely to run into friend drama because someone feels left out or because gossip is happening. But if you spread your socializing out, it's harder to feel left out -- if two of your neighborhood friends are closer to each other than they are to you, no big deal, you can go hang with your friends from some other setting. And there's no reason to gossip because your friends are not part of one, cohesive group so they don't all know each other and aren't all up in one another's business. It's healthier.

It's not neighborhood friends who are the problem. It's confining all your socializing to one small group who all know each other and never having time or will to spend time with others. I don't think that's healthy.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Group friendships are an investment--one that comes with costs, including being talked about occasionally. If you always have one foot out the door, then you'll be the first to be excluded.

Same goes for your kid, of course. If you don't want them to play sports or go to camp with the neighborhood kids, the friendships will naturally drift apart. If your kid has other strong friendships, then it's all good.

np. What pp is describing is absolutely attainable and many people's experience. It's not a "cake and eat it too" situation. Friendship and friend groups don't have to be so intense.

[Anonymous]

My neighborhood is not like this at all. I don’t even know all of my neighbors. I prefer it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why wouldn't parents want their kids/teens to have neighborhood friends? Why would they want anti social neighbors? A social neighborhood that does things is so much fun.

I want my DD to have neighborhood friends but I don't need to be super close friends with their parents. That's the difference. I'm friendly with my neighbors but I'm not spending every weekend with them or traveling with them just to give my kid built in friends. I am not anti social at all but I find it stifling to be expected to spend ALL my free time socializing with neighbors and to revolve our family life around what other people in the neighborhood are doing.

We run into stuff like this why friend activities. Some of the other parents of same-age kids in the neighborhood want the kids to do the same activities all the time, on the same teams, at the same time. They'll want to coordinate to get kids on these same soccer teams and signed up of rate same session of everything. To me, this is annoying because (1) I don't want my family schedule to revolve around what works for the five other families with kids in the same grade -- we have different work schedules, different expectations, and (2) I think it's good for my kid to meet new kids and have friends in a variety of different settings. She has neighborhood friends and some school friends and some friends she just knows through dance and some friends she knows through us (as we are friends with their parents from before we had kids). Camp friends, etc. Cousins. I do not need my kid to have some tight group of neighborhood pals with whom she does EVERYTHING, and I don't want that for myself either. IME, groups like that are very likely to run into friend drama because someone feels left out or because gossip is happening. But if you spread your socializing out, it's harder to feel left out -- if two of your neighborhood friends are closer to each other than they are to you, no big deal, you can go hang with your friends from some other setting. And there's no reason to gossip because your friends are not part of one, cohesive group so they don't all know each other and aren't all up in one another's business. It's healthier.

It's not neighborhood friends who are the problem. It's confining all your socializing to one small group who all know each other and never having time or will to spend time with others. I don't think that's healthy.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Group friendships are an investment--one that comes with costs, including being talked about occasionally. If you always have one foot out the door, then you'll be the first to be excluded.

Same goes for your kid, of course. If you don't want them to play sports or go to camp with the neighborhood kids, the friendships will naturally drift apart. If your kid has other strong friendships, then it's all good.

Lol - neighborhood queen bee mom has entered the chat. Being friends with neighbors shouldn't have a cost of being talked about occasionally if you're not constantly sucking up to the queen bees.

And no - my kids should be able to friends with the neighborhood kids without doing the exact same sports and activities. I actually started seeking out sports and activities that didn't involve neighborhood kids and parents, so that I could get a break from the oppressive atmosphere in my neighborhood. Also, it's great to have neighborhood friends, but as my kids have gotten older - they don't have a ton in common with all of them. Being a similar age and living in the same neighborhood does not ensure a great lasting friendship.

[Anonymous]

Too cult-like.