Does anyone live in a community that is “too much” socially?

[Anonymous]

A group of my friends live in a neighborhood like this and it sounds miserable. The competitive grown up friendships layered on top of the kids is nuts. We socialize with neighbors and it’s more laid back. Love the balance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live? Our neighborhood is the complete opposite.

In rock thrill

[Anonymous]

op where is this!?? I want to move there.

[Anonymous]

Why would anyone want this? The only thing you have in common with all these people is you are all parents living on the same block. That doesn't make a friendship. I guess I'm just very picky.

[Anonymous]

This sounds smothering. Sorry. Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our larger neighborhood has a few areas that are very social, with bonfires, tailgates, formal parties, golf outings, pickleball parties- it goes on and on. We live on the fringes on a street with friendly people but no pressure to formally socialize- our style is more standing on the street the night before trash day and chatting for an hour after we've all brought our trash cans out. Sometimes we feel a little left out at the community pool or school events because we're not part of that circle, but otherwise I don't feel any fomo. I think that it's a pretty self-selecting group and there are plenty of people who live in that area who are quiet and chill, but the go unnoticed everyone else is constantly broadcasting their social lives and friendships.

When we had the chance to move to a nicer house in the more social part of the neighborhood, we realized that it would be a really bad fit for us and decided to stay in our current house. We also realized that there was a level of drinking and edible use in that crowd that we'd never be able to or want to keep up with.

This sounds exactly like my neighborhood, including our location on the fringes. I used to get fomo occasionally when my kids were little—not only were the very social blocks doing stuff all the time, but they were constantly posting about it on social media, too. Like, we get it! You’re so much fun! The handful of times we were included, I realized that it wasn’t really that much fun after all. Annoying personalities and alcohol consumption that was surprising to me. (I’m not a pearl clutcher, I used to drink a fair amount myself, but these people were seriously trying to drink some demons away.)

My kids are teens now and most of those old cliques kind of faded or morphed—due to Covid years or divorces, or just kids outgrowing the friendships.

[Anonymous]

What line of work are most of these people in? It sounds a lot like a bedroom community where the dads all commute to Big City to work similar industries. You should live in a university town. Academics aren't like this, they are much more diverse in origin and tend to have lived all over before settling into a tenured position.

[Anonymous]

We’re too busy to be engaged in all of that. Some in the neighborhood are like that, but most do our own thing.

[Anonymous]

Independence and anonymity is like a warm blanket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live? Our neighborhood is the complete opposite.

Yep, zero social interest in our neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What line of work are most of these people in? It sounds a lot like a bedroom community where the dads all commute to Big City to work similar industries. You should live in a university town. Academics aren't like this, they are much more diverse in origin and tend to have lived all over before settling into a tenured position.

Ha, I posted about living on the fringes of a social neighborhood and I live a short walk from a major university and we chose it for that reason. Our neighborhood when we moved in 12 years ago was almost entirely older academics, low-key lawyers and doctors at the university hospital who had to be within call radius. Now it's just a few academics and mostly tech bros, finance types, real estate developers, and people with mysteriously large amounts of income and free time and no apparent employment.

A lot of families skew much younger than they used to- we were in our early 30s when we had our first kid and that was typical of our area. Now nice, 3000 sq ft tudors and craftsmen are regularly replaced with 6000 sq ft modern farmhouse new builds and being bought by 30 year olds who already have 3 kids. There is a ton of young, generational wealth changing neighborhoods quickly. I think that alters the social scene dramatically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighborhood is similar. Gossip is strong but never malicious which makes it more insidious because it's done with a guise of concern. I genuinely don't think many in the groups always enjoy being included but they don't want to be left out either and once that dynamic is present, it's not serving you and you need to bow out. It's heaven for some kids and for some adults which is the silver lining but often it's not the same across the family so some kids/adults going along out of duty are miserable.

Slight detour but this brand of gossip is the most insidious, in my opinion. At least if someone just straight up talks $h*t, they are being up front about it. It isn't a good quality but it's honest.

People who love to gossip but always couch it as "oh I'm just worried about this person" or "I'm just concerned about the kids" are much harder to deal with because they won't even admit to themselves that they are gossiping. They think they are performing a service of some kind. They are also *much* more likely to meddle in other people's business in ways that create problems and then to later claim they were "trying to help." There is zero culpability with gossips like this. They are dangerous.

I was just so worried about you, I had to broadcast your personal business to a bunch of acquaintances!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone want this? The only thing you have in common with all these people is you are all parents living on the same block. That doesn't make a friendship. I guess I'm just very picky.

Because it's great for kids and teens to have friends they live near. Idk, the whole neighborhood scene was so important to me growing up, I would have hated not having it. The adults in our neighborhood were really social as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone want this? The only thing you have in common with all these people is you are all parents living on the same block. That doesn't make a friendship. I guess I'm just very picky.

Because it's great for kids and teens to have friends they live near. Idk, the whole neighborhood scene was so important to me growing up, I would have hated not having it. The adults in our neighborhood were really social as well.

It's weird that people think proximity is the main ingredient for friendships. That probably works in lower elementary. By age 10, personalities and interests are apparent and two neighbors who have nothing in common aren't going to be friends just because it's a short walk to each other's house. It's great when nearby kids can be good friends, but it's not something you should expect or take for granted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Independence and anonymity is like a warm blanket.

+100 I'm so thankful I live in a quiet neighborhood where people have their own things going on.