Does anyone live in a community that is “too much” socially?

[Anonymous]

My experience with this is that the constant socializing is usually a cover for a drinking problem. We have neighbors who have to be constantly entertaining or at someone's house and it has become clear to me that it's because the DH gets absolutely obliterated every weekend and it seems more normal if he's doing it at a party. I had to take a step way back from it for my own mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why wouldn't parents want their kids/teens to have neighborhood friends? Why would they want anti social neighbors? A social neighborhood that does things is so much fun.

I didn't read any posts complaining about neighborhood kid friends. It's the adult socializing that is tricky as it's easier to avoid those you would clash with personality wise in other areas (work, school...). In a neighborhood, you can't get away and it's the most gossip prone, bitter or disfunctionally high energy/alcoholic/unable to be alone extroverts that ground themselves at the center of the neighborhood social scenes. The awkward guy who makes uncomfortably forward comments suddenly finds himself with a built in group of friends and claws into it fiercly because he can't get this social group any other way. As someone mentioned above, the offensive dad accusing others of being abusive or alcoholics.

I've read threads here about wanting to exclude a neighbor "friend" they don't like from a gathering because they don't get along and I've read threads about someone hurt they drove by a gathering they were excluded from. It's always in your face, Halloween always comes with drama for the uninvited and social media. Parents get hypercompetitive about college acceptances more than they would be with a random classmate simply because of proximity.

There are threads were a woman wants to see her friendly neighbor but no longer wants their kids together because one kid is verbally abusive or a bad influence and again the proximity makes that difficult. Parents who no longer get along put an uncomfortable strain on kids who still want to hang out.

I don't think social neighborhoods are all doomed, but decent neighbors are like gold. It's not "antisocial" to prefer standoffish neighbors if you don't want to center your social life around your neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why wouldn't parents want their kids/teens to have neighborhood friends? Why would they want anti social neighbors? A social neighborhood that does things is so much fun.

I want my DD to have neighborhood friends but I don't need to be super close friends with their parents. That's the difference. I'm friendly with my neighbors but I'm not spending every weekend with them or traveling with them just to give my kid built in friends. I am not anti social at all but I find it stifling to be expected to spend ALL my free time socializing with neighbors and to revolve our family life around what other people in the neighborhood are doing.

We run into stuff like this why friend activities. Some of the other parents of same-age kids in the neighborhood want the kids to do the same activities all the time, on the same teams, at the same time. They'll want to coordinate to get kids on these same soccer teams and signed up of rate same session of everything. To me, this is annoying because (1) I don't want my family schedule to revolve around what works for the five other families with kids in the same grade -- we have different work schedules, different expectations, and (2) I think it's good for my kid to meet new kids and have friends in a variety of different settings. She has neighborhood friends and some school friends and some friends she just knows through dance and some friends she knows through us (as we are friends with their parents from before we had kids). Camp friends, etc. Cousins. I do not need my kid to have some tight group of neighborhood pals with whom she does EVERYTHING, and I don't want that for myself either. IME, groups like that are very likely to run into friend drama because someone feels left out or because gossip is happening. But if you spread your socializing out, it's harder to feel left out -- if two of your neighborhood friends are closer to each other than they are to you, no big deal, you can go hang with your friends from some other setting. And there's no reason to gossip because your friends are not part of one, cohesive group so they don't all know each other and aren't all up in one another's business. It's healthier.

It's not neighborhood friends who are the problem. It's confining all your socializing to one small group who all know each other and never having time or will to spend time with others. I don't think that's healthy.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Group friendships are an investment--one that comes with costs, including being talked about occasionally. If you always have one foot out the door, then you'll be the first to be excluded.

Same goes for your kid, of course. If you don't want them to play sports or go to camp with the neighborhood kids, the friendships will naturally drift apart. If your kid has other strong friendships, then it's all good.

PP here and... what? The whole point is that I don't really value the sort of group friendships you are talking about, where gossip is inevitable and anyone who is viewed as "having one foot out the door" (i.e. having other interests and friendships and not being wholly dependent on the one group) might be punished via exclusion. I think that sort of friend group is toxic and do not think the investment is worth it.

Also, most friendships drift apart eventually. This is normal because people change and evolve over time, they may move or develop new interests or enter a different phase of life. A very small number of friendships will transcend those changes, and those wind up being your lifelong friends. But for that to happen, you need friendships to be flexible and somewhat permissive -- you need to be the kind of friends where if someone moves to a new neighborhood or starts hanging around other people because of a new interest, your friendship will survive even if you see each other less often or don't have interests that perfectly align. Which is the opposite of what you're describing where someone will get talked about or excluded for not being 100% invested in the friend group (or even just perceived as not being 100%). That's rigid and limiting and actually not conducive to longterm friendship because there's no room for growth or evolution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why wouldn't parents want their kids/teens to have neighborhood friends? Why would they want anti social neighbors? A social neighborhood that does things is so much fun.

I didn't read any posts complaining about neighborhood kid friends. It's the adult socializing that is tricky as it's easier to avoid those you would clash with personality wise in other areas (work, school...). In a neighborhood, you can't get away and it's the most gossip prone, bitter or disfunctionally high energy/alcoholic/unable to be alone extroverts that ground themselves at the center of the neighborhood social scenes. The awkward guy who makes uncomfortably forward comments suddenly finds himself with a built in group of friends and claws into it fiercly because he can't get this social group any other way. As someone mentioned above, the offensive dad accusing others of being abusive or alcoholics.

I've read threads here about wanting to exclude a neighbor "friend" they don't like from a gathering because they don't get along and I've read threads about someone hurt they drove by a gathering they were excluded from. It's always in your face, Halloween always comes with drama for the uninvited and social media. Parents get hypercompetitive about college acceptances more than they would be with a random classmate simply because of proximity.

There are threads were a woman wants to see her friendly neighbor but no longer wants their kids together because one kid is verbally abusive or a bad influence and again the proximity makes that difficult. Parents who no longer get along put an uncomfortable strain on kids who still want to hang out.

I don't think social neighborhoods are all doomed, but decent neighbors are like gold. It's not "antisocial" to prefer standoffish neighbors if you don't want to center your social life around your neighbors.

Agree. I think I like the idea of having neighbors who are close friends in theory, but realistically that situation is ripe for problems because if there is any conflict at all in the friendship, it could get blown up.

Some people don't really know how to maintain healthy boundaries in relationships, and I've found that you can use physical distance as a good proxy for better boundaries in order to maintain friendships with people like this. It's not ideal but it works with people who, for instance, don't take "no" for a complete answer very well, or who have a tendency to get jealous or insecure in friendships. These are not fundamentally bad people, they just have some bad relationship habits, and sometimes it's just easier to maintain relationships if you have built in boundaries.

Likewise, when I meet people in my neighborhood who show some red flag signs of not understanding boundaries (they impose a lot of pressure to accept invites, they invite themselves to things or show up to things with extra people you had no idea they were bringing, they gossip about others a lot, they ask a lot of very personal questions or push for personal details when it's clear someone is reluctant to share, etc.), I steer clear of them. They might be great people in other ways, but I don't want to develop a close friendship with someone who lives on my block and is the kind of person who will hawkishly observe that we had people over for dinner two nights ago and that they were not included in that invite and how come? Or hey you have to come to our BBQ on Saturday, I know you aren't busy, you never take your car out on Saturdays and I've seen you guys just hanging out at home. I do not need that kind of energy in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why wouldn't parents want their kids/teens to have neighborhood friends? Why would they want anti social neighbors? A social neighborhood that does things is so much fun.

I didn't read any posts complaining about neighborhood kid friends. It's the adult socializing that is tricky as it's easier to avoid those you would clash with personality wise in other areas (work, school...). In a neighborhood, you can't get away and it's the most gossip prone, bitter or disfunctionally high energy/alcoholic/unable to be alone extroverts that ground themselves at the center of the neighborhood social scenes. The awkward guy who makes uncomfortably forward comments suddenly finds himself with a built in group of friends and claws into it fiercly because he can't get this social group any other way. As someone mentioned above, the offensive dad accusing others of being abusive or alcoholics.

I've read threads here about wanting to exclude a neighbor "friend" they don't like from a gathering because they don't get along and I've read threads about someone hurt they drove by a gathering they were excluded from. It's always in your face, Halloween always comes with drama for the uninvited and social media. Parents get hypercompetitive about college acceptances more than they would be with a random classmate simply because of proximity.

There are threads were a woman wants to see her friendly neighbor but no longer wants their kids together because one kid is verbally abusive or a bad influence and again the proximity makes that difficult. Parents who no longer get along put an uncomfortable strain on kids who still want to hang out.

I don't think social neighborhoods are all doomed, but decent neighbors are like gold. It's not "antisocial" to prefer standoffish neighbors if you don't want to center your social life around your neighbors.

Yes, exactly this in my neighborhood. I used to be able to invite a couple of families over for a bbq and swimming. However, several years ago it turned into "Oh - you're inviting the Larlos too, right?" Nevermind, that I barely knew this family, who had just moved in several months prior - but my limited interactions with them showed that both parents drank heavily and largely ignored their kids at social functions. However, because the parents were both these oddly high energy, fakely enthusiastic extroverts who had already met so many people, I had to include them or I would be labeled as exclusionary and mean. It got so exhausting and caused me to really stop hosting a lot of laid back cookouts.

[Anonymous]

Yes I know what you mean. I am in this type of neighborhood often and it’s too much for me. In your face all the time. Can’t get away from anyone. Never ending sh_t show of entitled children and their lazy parents.

[Anonymous]

Hell no. I'm shocked communities like this even exist. Is this in the US? For real? People here barely talk to each other and certainly don't plan things regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. I'm shocked communities like this even exist. Is this in the US? For real? People here barely talk to each other and certainly don't plan things regularly.

Yes, they do. I find that this tends to exist in mostly white neighborhoods where there isn't much diversity. At least several times in this thread, Waynewood was mentioned - which is notoriously known for having little to no diversity. Also, it's mostly in upper middle class neighborhoods, if you're too rich, people are not around enough to engage in this sort of neighborhood drama at the adult level.

Take a look at the Census map. You can select demographics at very low levels. Guessing the neighborhood mentioned that is geographically isolated is somewhere along the water in Anne Arundel County near Annapolis or on Mason Neck in Fairfax County.
https://maps.geo.census.gov/ddmv/map.html

[Anonymous]

Sounds awful. Do you live in the Kentlands or Ashburn? Move.

[Anonymous]

We live in a social neighborhood but it is much more laid back. Some families are really tight with each other. The kids are friends and run back and forth to each other’s houses. I know all my neighbors. In the summer there are cul de sac parties. But I have not seen excessive drinking and no drugs that I know off. There is some gossiping but it is mostly harmless. And no one pressure anyone to socialize or not. I am an introvert and could care less what others think so not much bothers me. But my DD loves living here, has great friends, spends all her free time playing (inside and out), and we feel really fortunate to live here. There are a few less than perfect apples but they afe the exception.

[Anonymous]

Is this AU Park/Janney?

It definitely sounds somewhat like our experience. My kids are in high school and the insanity has ended. Nail in casket. People have moved, gotten divorced, kids go to 10 different high schools and have their own friends. Thank goodness. It was such a weird mix of "wow, this is such a super fun community" to "I can't deal with this. we need to move."
This intensity comes in waves--every grade or block does not have it. It takes a few super social families in one block or one grade and it just snowballs.

And yes--the ugly side is that there is absolutely A TON of alcohol involved (and probably other stuff too but I was never cool enough to know). Now that we're all 50+ (and our kids are teens) there are people in rehab. The school fuels the drinking culture. In a typical year the school auction will have something like 12 parties which sell tickets a fundraiser. 11 out of 12 will revolve around alcohol. Morning mimosas! Afternoon cocktails in the garden! Kegger in the evening!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My experience with this is that the constant socializing is usually a cover for a drinking problem. We have neighbors who have to be constantly entertaining or at someone's house and it has become clear to me that it's because the DH gets absolutely obliterated every weekend and it seems more normal if he's doing it at a party. I had to take a step way back from it for my own mental health.

We live in an area too much for me socially. I WISH there were more drinking at these events. Half the time there is no alcohol, just donuts or ice cream sundaes other sugary junk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live in a social neighborhood but it is much more laid back. Some families are really tight with each other. The kids are friends and run back and forth to each other’s houses. I know all my neighbors. In the summer there are cul de sac parties. But I have not seen excessive drinking and no drugs that I know off. There is some gossiping but it is mostly harmless. And no one pressure anyone to socialize or not. I am an introvert and could care less what others think so not much bothers me. But my DD loves living here, has great friends, spends all her free time playing (inside and out), and we feel really fortunate to live here. There are a few less than perfect apples but they afe the exception.

We have this problem. The pressure to socialize is brought on by an extreme need by parents to make sure everyone’s children are “happy” constantly. Same group of 6-10 children that never go home, always on screens, parents have to agree to every outing/play date/request. Like providing daycare for neighbors. End up hating all the children because they’re always there and they always want something so then you start hating their parents too and hating yourself for letting it continue. There is too much alcohol too. Never enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this AU Park/Janney?

It definitely sounds somewhat like our experience. My kids are in high school and the insanity has ended. Nail in casket. People have moved, gotten divorced, kids go to 10 different high schools and have their own friends. Thank goodness. It was such a weird mix of "wow, this is such a super fun community" to "I can't deal with this. we need to move."
This intensity comes in waves--every grade or block does not have it. It takes a few super social families in one block or one grade and it just snowballs.

And yes--the ugly side is that there is absolutely A TON of alcohol involved (and probably other stuff too but I was never cool enough to know). Now that we're all 50+ (and our kids are teens) there are people in rehab. The school fuels the drinking culture. In a typical year the school auction will have something like 12 parties which sell tickets a fundraiser. 11 out of 12 will revolve around alcohol. Morning mimosas! Afternoon cocktails in the garden! Kegger in the evening!

Our neighborhood and school are like this and every year I creep a bit more towards the fringes. Even if I could handle it socially, my body can't take it. This year's auction buy-in parties included pickleball + cocktails, pedicures + cocktails, golf + beer, sailing + wine, and...winery tour + (presumably) wine. It's the same 20 people buying all of the parties and presumably spending weekends from now through December drinking their way through their auction winnings. In some ways I admire the physical and social stamina of the people who participate.

DH and I donate rather than bid and slink away before anyone tries to rope us into the parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live? Our neighborhood is the complete opposite.

Mine is too. I would love a social neighborhood!

+1!