Does anyone live in a community that is “too much” socially?
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Anonymous
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Does anyone live in a community that is too much socially? What are your thoughts on it? I know there’s always a choice to opt in or opt out of things and create your own separation for yourself and your family but I do think it can be hard and it’s all gradual right?
When I say too much, I just mean the extreme side of social with a million group texts and plans. For instance, end of year is approaching and we have 4 huge grade wide parties for my 9 year old. The community is active in sports so we often see people multiple times a weekend. There’s an overnight trips for the whole grade/kid. There’s usually some sort of adults party on a weekly basis of couples plus various girls trips, husband trips, couples trips and family trips where groups go several at once. Things like the Kentucky Derby or a weekend in Napa. We do a few ourselves but also carve out solo family trips as well and do prioritize those. The biggest issue is for our public school is we all live within the same neighborhood or within a mile of each other so you see people everywhere and it’s right in your face, often people are upset because if you’re not invited to things you know it. There’s a lot of stress about including everyone too since everyone sees and finds out about it bc of how connected everyone is. A few friends have expressed how stressful it is lately and I’m feeling the same way sometimes. I sometimes dream of moving to a quiet community but I would miss our friendships and the community the kids have and sometimes worry we wouldn’t make any friends if we left. I know that’s irrational. Just wanted to see if others had this experience and how you felt about it. The kids are in elementary so I’m assuming by middle/high it calms down a little as kids go make their own friends and we don’t really know the parents. |
Anonymous
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Our neighborhood is very social. We are more quiet, and honestly are busy with work and raising our kids.
There are lots of neighborhood events and parties around various holidays. We briefly attend the biggest event each year, maybe for 20 minutes, but do not bother going to any others. We do not give out our mobile phone numbers, so no group texts. Our classic home telephone, which we provide if asked, goes straight to an answering machine. To each his or her own. |
Anonymous
That’s pretty funny, the land line phone. Do you generally prefer to keep to yourselves or do you have a social life outside of your neighbors/community friends |
Anonymous
| Where do you live? Our neighborhood is the complete opposite. |
Anonymous
Mine is too. I would love a social neighborhood! |
Anonymous
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Our neighborhood is like this. BUT you are right, it calms down in junior high/high school. Unfortunately, some drama usually forces the calming down. :O
It's great while it lasts, and your kids will probably have very nice memories of all these fun times. |
Anonymous
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This sounds hellish, OP. I could not do it and would wind up being the standoffish family that everyone complains never participates.
I once worked at a place that was like this -- just incessant social events (both planned and ad hoc) and a ton of pressure to participate no matter what. I remember getting a hard time for going on vacation or having plans with friends outside that job, like "how dare you have a life outside of this community." It was cult-y and stressful, especially because it felt like there would be professional consequences for not giving into the pressure to participate. It was also a very gossipy environment which made it feel worse because I'd worry that if I didn't go to things, people would start to talk about me behind my back and I wouldn't know. It was a very stressful experience. I would think in a neighborhood there wouldn't be quite so much pressure as there would be in a workplace, but I know with kids that's not always true -- you don't want your kid to be the odd one out just because you don't feel like attending a neighborhood party or something. I don't know what the solution is. I left that job and it was such a relief not to have to deal with that environment anymore. I think it reflects weird insecurities and codependencies, this need to constantly be spending all your time with other people and to be so judgmental and resentful of anyone who doesn't participate. It does not seem healthy. |
Anonymous
Maybe they will? I'm actually curious about this. I think sometimes elementary communities are intense and super involved and it can cause a lot of stress and issues with the parents, and then kids go to MS and make their own friends and those wind up being their "real" friends and that's what they remember. Maybe there are vague memories of neighborhood barbecues or elementary events, but not much beyond that. I grew up in a neighborhood kind of like this and then a lot of the families moved away when I was in upper elementary and while I do have some memories of those times playing with those neighborhood friends while our parents socialized, they are far less meaningful to me than the time I spent with my own family (both my immediate family and cousins/aunts/uncles) or the friendships I formed outside our neighborhood as I got into upper elementary and MS. And honestly, it is only my HS friendships, none of which stem from that original neighborhood group, that stuck with me into adulthood. I think these neighborhood cliques are mostly for and about the parents. Which is good news because it means that if you don't enjoy it, just don't participate, and your kids really aren't missing out. They will make their own friends. If you do enjoy the clique, it won't hurt your kids, but you don't have to force yourself to do it for their sake. |
Anonymous
| We had a neighborhood like this and it’s not why we moved but I was glad to get away from it. In my experience, there was also gossiping about kids I didn’t like. Everyone was just too intertwined. And yes it can get ugly by middle school. I agree it’s too much. We are now still social but it’s people we choose and not everyone knows everyone’s business. |
Anonymous
| My neighborhood is similar. Gossip is strong but never malicious which makes it more insidious because it's done with a guise of concern. I genuinely don't think many in the groups always enjoy being included but they don't want to be left out either and once that dynamic is present, it's not serving you and you need to bow out. It's heaven for some kids and for some adults which is the silver lining but often it's not the same across the family so some kids/adults going along out of duty are miserable. |
Anonymous
+1 I'm a single mom and I feel so sad that I can't afford to be in a neighborhood like the one you describe, OP. I'm sure it has its drawbacks too, but count your blessings. |
Anonymous
Slight detour but this brand of gossip is the most insidious, in my opinion. At least if someone just straight up talks $h*t, they are being up front about it. It isn't a good quality but it's honest. People who love to gossip but always couch it as "oh I'm just worried about this person" or "I'm just concerned about the kids" are much harder to deal with because they won't even admit to themselves that they are gossiping. They think they are performing a service of some kind. They are also *much* more likely to meddle in other people's business in ways that create problems and then to later claim they were "trying to help." There is zero culpability with gossips like this. They are dangerous. |
Anonymous
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Our larger neighborhood has a few areas that are very social, with bonfires, tailgates, formal parties, golf outings, pickleball parties- it goes on and on. We live on the fringes on a street with friendly people but no pressure to formally socialize- our style is more standing on the street the night before trash day and chatting for an hour after we've all brought our trash cans out. Sometimes we feel a little left out at the community pool or school events because we're not part of that circle, but otherwise I don't feel any fomo. I think that it's a pretty self-selecting group and there are plenty of people who live in that area who are quiet and chill, but the go unnoticed everyone else is constantly broadcasting their social lives and friendships.
When we had the chance to move to a nicer house in the more social part of the neighborhood, we realized that it would be a really bad fit for us and decided to stay in our current house. We also realized that there was a level of drinking and edible use in that crowd that we'd never be able to or want to keep up with. |
Anonymous
| My neighborhood is like this. A lot of the parents are total drunks and I say this as someone who enjoys my alcohol. I am excluded from most things because we go to Catholic school but I have two close friends who are in the thick of it and frankly it sounds suffocating. If you skip any event you can be sure the other moms will talk about you. And your husband better be a total bro to get in with the bro dads. |
Anonymous
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PPs are spot on about the drinking/drug use often going hand in hand with the very frequent socializing. I drink but am mid-40s now and the truth is I cannot keep up with that kind of social scene. I need to go to bed. And no interest in edibles or other drug use.
Different strokes for different folks. |