How to parent in hyper competitive type A area?

[Anonymous]

op, we are similar to you and your DH in terms of HHI and “doing better” than our parents. We feel the opposite of you. We don’t care about the race to the top for college admissions. When I think about my kid “doing better than us”, I hope that means less work and less stress and doing something that they love or improves the world, not more money or more prestige. We push our kid to be hardworking and curious and to have perseverance, kindness, and empathy. If our kid is the kind of self starting kid who ends up at a T20, so be it — but we don’t expect it and we aren’t pushing towards it.

[Anonymous]

Life is long. Everyone trying to program their kid to gain some college or job admission system that is 5, 10, 15 years off… so much can happen in between.

Anyway we’re due for a pendulum swing. Watch for the articles in the coming years talking about how many struggles those elite competitive kids are having.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like what bothers you about competitive parenting is that they are out-competing you. I don't have a problem with competitive parenting because I'm not in the game. I'm trying to raise happy, well-adjusted people who will be ready to be adults when the time comes. I care more that they can do their laundry and feed themselves than what school they get into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But sometimes being around these hyper competitive parents makes me take a closer look at my kids and wonder if I should push them more.

Should I push DD7 to make the premier team in travel soccer instead of the 2nd tier team? Do I even tell her she didn’t make the premier team and should practice more?

Should I be disappointed that DD9 didn’t get into AAP and will be in gen education?

OP it seems like you are choosing to focus on these things.

Re: DD7 - travel soccer for a seven-year-old is not something a ton of people pursue. You are opting into a sports pressure cooker.

Re: DD9 - AAP is by definition what, the top 10% of the class? No I don't think you should be disappointed that your kid didn't get in. Most don't and it is supposed to be for kids who are not served by the gen ed curriculum, which by definition should not be everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op, we are similar to you and your DH in terms of HHI and “doing better” than our parents. We feel the opposite of you. We don’t care about the race to the top for college admissions. When I think about my kid “doing better than us”, I hope that means less work and less stress and doing something that they love or improves the world, not more money or more prestige. We push our kid to be hardworking and curious and to have perseverance, kindness, and empathy. If our kid is the kind of self starting kid who ends up at a T20, so be it — but we don’t expect it and we aren’t pushing towards it.

THIS. If money and financial security doesn't buy you this, what is the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is long. Everyone trying to program their kid to gain some college or job admission system that is 5, 10, 15 years off… so much can happen in between.

Anyway we’re due for a pendulum swing. Watch for the articles in the coming years talking about how many struggles those elite competitive kids are having.

Some of them will struggle, many of them will continue to dominate, but yes, life is long and uncertain, and without knowing how your kid will fare on their own, imparting flexibility, resilience and emotional intelligence is most important.

[Anonymous]

I’m going dissent here.

The only people stressed out about how this area is competitive (other those that literally can’t afford it) are people who are themselves obsessed about being competitive.

If you are ok with your kid being top, say, 15%, let alone average, it’s not that hard if your kid has talent. Your problem is that you don’t want top 15%, you want #1 or as close as you can get, and in this area that’s freaking hard because… there are so many people just like you! You want your kid to crush easy competition and that’s just not how it works here.

Just teach your kid to work hard and be independently motivated and not obsess over being the literal best - at some point, there’s always someone better - and everything will be just fine.

- Local, not valedictorian, same HHI as you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make more than 95% of the people here, and probably more than 90% of the people on DCUM.

So shut up. You're part of the problem.

Op - isn’t the hope that our kids do better than we do?

I know dh and I have done significantly better than our own parents.

Why? Sure, if you are a working class family it can be reasonable to aspire for your kids to achieve greater financial success. But when you've already reached the pinnacle of financial success, that's not a reasonable aspiration. (Sure some people make more but a extremely small number in a small number of professions that may not fit/interest your kids).

That you think this way means you have already bought in to the competitive mindset. Just that you want your kids to compete with your success not other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everybody here seems to be so competitive. Everyone went to HYP, were D1 athletes and make a zillion dollars. Larlo and Larla their darling children are already being recruited by pre-MLS soccer teams at the tender age of 8 and are well on their way to being top notch athletes and top of their class.

How do you parent in this environment? I have 3 elementary aged kids and they are all doing great. They have friends, do pretty well at school, play sports and are fun to be around.

But sometimes being around these hyper competitive parents makes me take a closer look at my kids and wonder if I should push them more.

Should I push DD7 to make the premier team in travel soccer instead of the 2nd tier team? Do I even tell her she didn’t make the premier team and should practice more?

Should I be disappointed that DD9 didn’t get into AAP and will be in gen education?

DH and I both come from smaller more rural areas where we were top of our classes, played all the sports, went to well regarded SLAC colleges and are now making a pretty high salary (HHI $600-700k a year). These all seemed attainable where we lived with less competition. Here in the DMV it seems impossible for our kids to stand out. How do you parent in this sort of environment?

Are you genuinely this clueless? Have you examined your own thinking and wondered why your kids need to "stand out," period? That's a testament to how much you already bought into the competition culture here, you just ... lack the will and guts to execute on it. It's not rocket science how to make your children "stand out" if that's what you want: you throw money and resources at it. Private school, tutoring, fancy extracurriculars, and some helicopter parenting. Unless you truly have kids who are genetically gifted with 1% smarts, and doesn't sound like this is the case here.

Or perhaps you can, you know, use your wealth to ensure your kids dont have to compete. You have more than enough to free your kids from the rat race. If you don't, it's because of your ego.

[Anonymous]

Parent how you want to parent. I never compared my kids to other kids. If people brag say "congrats" and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make more than 95% of the people here, and probably more than 90% of the people on DCUM.

So shut up. You're part of the problem.

Op - isn’t the hope that our kids do better than we do?

I know dh and I have done significantly better than our own parents.

Why? Sure, if you are a working class family it can be reasonable to aspire for your kids to achieve greater financial success. But when you've already reached the pinnacle of financial success, that's not a reasonable aspiration. (Sure some people make more but a extremely small number in a small number of professions that may not fit/interest your kids).

That you think this way means you have already bought in to the competitive mindset. Just that you want your kids to compete with your success not other kids.

OP - I am the first in my whole family (aunts, uncles, cousins, parents) to go to a 4 year college and earn a graduate degree. DH is the first generation to also do this. We do not have generational wealth to pass on to our kids. We are the first in our families to even make close to this much money and we have had to pay our way through college to get here.

[Anonymous]

I want my kids to be more mentally healthy than us! To be able to know your strengths and find what you love to do. To be a good person and make some contribution to the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make more than 95% of the people here, and probably more than 90% of the people on DCUM.

So shut up. You're part of the problem.

Op - isn’t the hope that our kids do better than we do?

I know dh and I have done significantly better than our own parents.

Our “do better” has nothing to do with money. There are more important things in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could move.

Op - moving is not an option. Our jobs are here.

I just want to try and find the balance between pushing my kids to excel and giving them space to enjoy their childhood. It seems like everyone around here does the first option to the detriment of the second.

Yes, you dont have the choice to move, but at your HHI you have the choice to parent however you want. That is the point of generational wealth. The "next generation must be do better" is working class/immigrant mentality and it makes sense there. It sounds like you are insecure enough to be ruffled by what other parents are doing, because you are seduced by the prestige, by the ego boost of having your kids be "the top." You want to be competitive, you just don't like the work it will take.

[Anonymous]

You sound pathetic and naive OP. How clueless can you be?