How to parent in hyper competitive type A area?

[Anonymous]

Husband and I think it’s impossible now to intentionally parent your children into T20. The odds are just not worth even trying if you are white and upper middle class. Hard work and intelligence aren’t enough now. Kids with a very pointy spark get that without parental pushing; either they have it or they don’t, some special, amazing, different interests and the drive to get there. Barring that, you have zero chance of getting in, so we’ve decided it’s not worth slave driving your children throughout their childhood to almost inevitably be disappointed and have it all been not worth it.

We’re fine with lower ranked schools. Due to the competition, there are going to be many more alternative, legitimate paths to success in life than ever before. I deeply believe this. We will not push.

[Anonymous]

OP - your question doesn't sound in good faith to me. It sounds like you are really asking how to win at competitive parenting. I can't imagine making $600k and hoping my child does "better" than me. I hope my child finds love, friendship, and purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - your question doesn't sound in good faith to me. It sounds like you are really asking how to win at competitive parenting. I can't imagine making $600k and hoping my child does "better" than me. I hope my child finds love, friendship, and purpose.

Well said. The "better than us" line is too much.

[Anonymous]

You live somewhere where everyone was D1? I say it is all in your head and you are magnifying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could move.

Op - moving is not an option. Our jobs are here.

I just want to try and find the balance between pushing my kids to excel and giving them space to enjoy their childhood. It seems like everyone around here does the first option to the detriment of the second.

If you know its a detriment, dont do it

[Anonymous]

We just had this very same topic maybe 4 days ago. This can’t be real life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You make more than 95% of the people here, and probably more than 90% of the people on DCUM.

So shut up. You're part of the problem.

They are naive though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make more than 95% of the people here, and probably more than 90% of the people on DCUM.

So shut up. You're part of the problem.

Op - isn’t the hope that our kids do better than we do?

I know dh and I have done significantly better than our own parents.

No your kids will be average here. Please move

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. You should move. Those parents will not change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make more than 95% of the people here, and probably more than 90% of the people on DCUM.

So shut up. You're part of the problem.

Op - isn’t the hope that our kids do better than we do?

I know dh and I have done significantly better than our own parents.

Do you understand how reversion to the mean works?

Your kids are not likely to do better than you did. They are still very likely to do better than 95% of the US population.

[Anonymous]

I don't know where you came from but in no way would you make 600K somewhere not here. I went to MIT and know one Princeton grad and a friend from college that's it. I don't know anyone else that went to a HYP. I'm not a tiger Mom but my kid took the initiative to get into TJ. Not on travel teams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make more than 95% of the people here, and probably more than 90% of the people on DCUM.

So shut up. You're part of the problem.

Op - isn’t the hope that our kids do better than we do?

I know dh and I have done significantly better than our own parents.

PP you replied to. I am worth 15M in my 40s. I do not go about wringing my hands like you, even though one of my kids has special needs, and we are establishing a trust fund for them. You are tone deaf, and this is why I am admonishing you.

Come on, OP. You're better than this. Children are not guaranteed the successes of their parents. Generational wealth goes a long way to mitigate risks for the next generation. Instead of competing stupidly in things that don't matter... think how you're going to transmit wealth and teach your kids how to manage it. They will need be taught how not to be greedy, how to be patient instead of impulsive, how to play the long game, how to hedge their bets. They will need to build on whatever cognitive skills have been handed down to them, and apply themselves with decent work ethic to respectable careers, no matter what fortunes you transmit, even at an early age.

Ask yourself the right questions, instead of faux-complaining about a competition your kids may or may not need to be part of.

[Anonymous]

I remind myself that the only thing that really matters is that my family is happy and knows they are loved. We prioritize family dinners and lazy mornings over travel sports. No AAP means less stress for us. Kid didn’t make the team? Good! They can all use a few more nights of free time each week to just be a kid. They don’t need to be the best at anything or stand out. They can just be and that is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make more than 95% of the people here, and probably more than 90% of the people on DCUM.

So shut up. You're part of the problem.

Op - isn’t the hope that our kids do better than we do?

I know dh and I have done significantly better than our own parents.

PP you replied to. I am worth 15M in my 40s. I do not go about wringing my hands like you, even though one of my kids has special needs, and we are establishing a trust fund for them. You are tone deaf, and this is why I am admonishing you.

Come on, OP. You're better than this. Children are not guaranteed the successes of their parents. Generational wealth goes a long way to mitigate risks for the next generation. Instead of competing stupidly in things that don't matter... think how you're going to transmit wealth and teach your kids how to manage it. They will need be taught how not to be greedy, how to be patient instead of impulsive, how to play the long game, how to hedge their bets. They will need to build on whatever cognitive skills have been handed down to them, and apply themselves with decent work ethic to respectable careers, no matter what fortunes you transmit, even at an early age.

Ask yourself the right questions, instead of faux-complaining about a competition your kids may or may not need to be part of.

Good job working that net worth into your little lecture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could move.

Op - moving is not an option. Our jobs are here.

I just want to try and find the balance between pushing my kids to excel and giving them space to enjoy their childhood. It seems like everyone around here does the first option to the detriment of the second.

You can move. There are plenty of school districts around here that are less high pressure but then you’d have to accept your kids are going to school with, gasp, FARMS kids and black kids.