I disconnected my direct deposit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really unclear what your focus is here, op. The crappy job or the crappy husband. That's why people were confused.

Agree the post is totally confusing but since she put it in the relationship forum I am going with crappy husband, exacerbated by what appear to be pregnancy hormones exposing a high level of nastiness.

My husband is not overall crappy, but I have begged and pleaded for years for him to bring up his income so that I could dial back at work, and despite various avenues to do so, he has refused to even try.

I am wondering if I just stop contributing income how he will respond since he has a year sabbatical to figure it out plus plenty of savings.

If he doesn’t even try to figure it out I will divorce him. I can’t stay married otherwise; the resentment will give me cancer.

You’re just not contributing income on paper though. It’s still half his if you divorce. I don’t see how this is going to force him to figure anything out.

You need to lean out at work for your own sanity. Change jobs. Do whatever you need. Then cut expenses accordingly. But this continuing to work a big job and squirrel away money plan is batty.

He does not want to get divorced. And if he chooses to divorce me instead of figuring out how to earn more money, then I have forced an outcome that needed to be. And we will at least have more assets to split in the divorce than if I just quit now.

Furthermore, I honestly don’t know if I will get fired if I dial back at my existing job. Right now I am too scared to try, and I also can’t mentally disconnect because I feel it is all on my shoulders. I am quite good at my job and have built up sizable domain knowledge.

What I am doing now is actually very clever, sorry you are struggling to see it.

My ideal situation is that he earns more (which takes mental/emotional pressure off of me) and I keep my job working at some predefined max level of effort. If it becomes clear that I can’t keep this level of job at that level of effort, I will transition into an easier job, which will be possible because he earns more.

I honestly only want to stay married to him if he tries to earn more. So I am forcing the situation but only after the circumstances are such that he actually does have the runway to succeed if he chooses to.

So to all the people worried about my kids - don’t worry, I won’t be staying married and resentful long term. Either I’ll be a hard working divorced woman not married to someone who I feel exploits me, or I’ll be a more relaxed happily married woman married to a man who works hard to provide for his family.

[Anonymous]

The term “hobby job” is insulting (and almost always misogynistic). These labors are often very necessary for society and the arts, if not always high paying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really unclear what your focus is here, op. The crappy job or the crappy husband. That's why people were confused.

Agree the post is totally confusing but since she put it in the relationship forum I am going with crappy husband, exacerbated by what appear to be pregnancy hormones exposing a high level of nastiness.

My husband is not overall crappy, but I have begged and pleaded for years for him to bring up his income so that I could dial back at work, and despite various avenues to do so, he has refused to even try.

I am wondering if I just stop contributing income how he will respond since he has a year sabbatical to figure it out plus plenty of savings.

If he doesn’t even try to figure it out I will divorce him. I can’t stay married otherwise; the resentment will give me cancer.

You’re just not contributing income on paper though. It’s still half his if you divorce. I don’t see how this is going to force him to figure anything out.

You need to lean out at work for your own sanity. Change jobs. Do whatever you need. Then cut expenses accordingly. But this continuing to work a big job and squirrel away money plan is batty.

He does not want to get divorced. And if he chooses to divorce me instead of figuring out how to earn more money, then I have forced an outcome that needed to be. And we will at least have more assets to split in the divorce than if I just quit now.

Furthermore, I honestly don’t know if I will get fired if I dial back at my existing job. Right now I am too scared to try, and I also can’t mentally disconnect because I feel it is all on my shoulders. I am quite good at my job and have built up sizable domain knowledge.

What I am doing now is actually very clever, sorry you are struggling to see it.

My ideal situation is that he earns more (which takes mental/emotional pressure off of me) and I keep my job working at some predefined max level of effort. If it becomes clear that I can’t keep this level of job at that level of effort, I will transition into an easier job, which will be possible because he earns more.

I honestly only want to stay married to him if he tries to earn more. So I am forcing the situation but only after the circumstances are such that he actually does have the runway to succeed if he chooses to.

So to all the people worried about my kids - don’t worry, I won’t be staying married and resentful long term. Either I’ll be a hard working divorced woman not married to someone who I feel exploits me, or I’ll be a more relaxed happily married woman married to a man who works hard to provide for his family.

Wow... you sound horrible. Do you understand how much more difficult your life will be as a single parent of two kids? You have zero logic in your thought process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not "quiet quitting", by the way. Quiet quitting is still doing your job, just not going crazy over-and-above your job. Sounds like you're just quitting (or wanting to - which you can't do by just disconnecting your direct deposit...which is another separate issue).

I am typing from my phone so that I don’t type this from my work computer, and so I’m taking shortcuts.

I connected a personal account instead of joint account, and yes I will still do my job, but if I get a message from daycare that my daughter smeared poop in the bathroom, I am going to stop what I am doing and research OTs and make an appointment and take her. I am going to shower once a day and do my nails. I am going to meal plan and grocery shop. And if my work performance drops I am not going to worry about it or care about my annual performance review.

Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 32 weeks pregnant. I have a 3 year old. I hate my demanding job. My not high earning husband is about to start a year sabbatical, and I will have 5 months fully paid leave plus bonus. We have 2 years of living expenses in liquid savings.

So I disconnected my direct deposit and I am quiet quitting at work until whenever I get pushed out for prioritizing being a mother and self care.

My husband can use his sabbatical to figure out how to improve his income to cover our full living expenses because I am done subsidizing his hobby job.

Thanks for listening and go ahead and flame away.

Why would you disconnect your direct deposit before your employers paycheck and your acct?
So work can keep your paycheck with them??

Yes your husband should learn to run a household budget and get a real job. But you should pocket your paycheck elsewhere. And invest it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The term “hobby job” is insulting (and almost always misogynistic). These labors are often very necessary for society and the arts, if not always high paying.

+1 He's an educator with a PhD and she has such a scathing attitude towards his work? Talk about knowing the cost of everything and the value of nothing. I'm only sorry that he's tied to this person via their kids for the rest of his life. He'll have zero problem finding another partner who appreciates him.

[Anonymous]

Ma’am, you chose to marry someone who clearly you think is beneath you. Then you chose to have not one but two kids with this person. Take some responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ma’am, you chose to marry someone who clearly you think is beneath you. Then you chose to have not one but two kids with this person. Take some responsibility.

This. OP sounds like an absolute nutcase.

[Anonymous]

"What I am doing now is actually very clever, sorry you are struggling to see it."

Ok, if you say so... but based on the information given you have multiple years of expenses in liquid savings and a rental property and you've never tried to dial back at your current job. It sounds like he could keep his low key job and you could dial back and make your own job more manageable and you would still be fine financially.

You resent him for not earning more money but you don't even need the money! Even if he ends up changing jobs you will still be miserable because you haven't gotten to the root of the problem - you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So…he’s a professor?

Yuck. hope not.

[Anonymous]

According to you, you have a lot of savings and a rental property. It doesn’t seem that your finances are that bad. You can probably even get a lower demanding job. You just want your husband tot make more money, even when is not needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 32 weeks pregnant. I have a 3 year old. I hate my demanding job. My not high earning husband is about to start a year sabbatical, and I will have 5 months fully paid leave plus bonus. We have 2 years of living expenses in liquid savings.

So I disconnected my direct deposit and I am quiet quitting at work until whenever I get pushed out for prioritizing being a mother and self care.

My husband can use his sabbatical to figure out how to improve his income to cover our full living expenses because I am done subsidizing his hobby job.

Thanks for listening and go ahead and flame away.

I would hide 70% of the liquid savings elswhere too. You two idiots might burn through that fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What has the husband actually done wrong? Also, what “hobby job” has a sabbatical?

This is clearly a troll.

ESOL troll attempt. Hilarious!

[Anonymous]

Lol. OP will probably still think she's being clever when the cars are getting repossessed or the joint account runs into overdraft for the water bill.

He doesnt *have* to divorce. He could just go along dwindling your combined savings until you end up in a cardboard box.

You are really not as smart as you think you are OP. And yes, your kids are going to suffer with this sort of mindset as a parent.

[Anonymous]

You don't think that your husband, upon seeing you are unilaterally no longer contributing to the joint account, will maybe consider that it’s not worth the drama to be married to you?