Broken Marriage, Different Places on Where to Go

[Anonymous]

Op said it was a marriage of convenience from the start.
He conveniently used his spouse to project his appearance as a family man.

He doesn’t want divorce but is repulsed by his wife and it does not have to do with her looks. He wants to stay married but live as silent roommates.

He’s gay people. Listen OP, it’s 2024. No one cares anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard to know what you want. It sounds like you have made up your mind and you avoid your wife as much as possible already. Are you hoping for a different relationship at the same time (open marriage?) because it sounds like things are pretty much what you are resigned to already?

I have a child with SN (though I’m guessing they are milder than your child’s based on your description) and there were periods of time I really didn’t think our marriage was going to make it. It is really hard to pour yourself into your kids so intensely and have anything left for your spouse. But I think it’s kind of BS to stay married and live together and give up entirely on the marriage. It’s terrible for your kids to see you stay with someone who you feel repulsed by. I wonder if the medication you are taking is affecting you sexually (?) and that is leading to repulsion? Not saying you should go off them, obviously, just that your reactions sound really extreme.

DCUM is overly inclined point to sex as the problem. Everything we're facing started before the SSRIs. Yes, it's probably true they reduced libido, but that mostly just seems to feed the lack of interest in an open marriage.

I fail to see what's so terrible from the kids' perspective about continuing a marriage for the purpose of coparenting.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am a woman and I am almost exactly in your shoes. Caregiving takes lots of my emotional energy away. My marriage has been partly of convenience. Separate beds and physical recoiling etc. Therapy is BS and hasn’t helped. Cannot get divorced because of logistics and finances. No desire or time to open the marriage. He still wants sex from me. I don’t know where we go from here. Just wanted you to know you were not alone.

[Anonymous]

What does “marriage of convenience” mean, before kids? Is it that you both settled, because it was time, and neither of you had better options?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I’d be long gone if my spouse recoiled at my touch, didn’t like my voice and “gave me space at home”. Special needs kid or no, I got married to have a loving healthy adult relationship.. the kids are a nice bonus.
Put another way, why would I be in a relationship where I go out and have a fun outing with spouse or as a family only to get home and not have an intimate loving relationship with the person I spent the whole day with?
Call it a parenting marriage, to make it sound healthy and normal, but garbage is still garbage no matter how much you call it “waste management”.

I’d decide now to have a good marriage and actually do it or I’d divorce. You seem like a manipulative cruel person, op and you are using your special needs kid to justify it. How low can you get.

Of course that would be desirable, but you're describing a fairytale. Particularly once kids get involved, divorce comes with substantial, unavoidable problems, with no guarantee (and sometimes no likelihood) of anything coming from new relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does “marriage of convenience” mean, before kids? Is it that you both settled, because it was time, and neither of you had better options?

Pretty much, along with a series of life events that never made breaking up much of an option before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I don't want a divorce. I think it would make things harder for everyone.

I guess my more specific problem is that every month or two, usually after talking with her therapist, she seems to go through a phase where she wants something closer to a traditional marriage. It is hard to say exactly what it is she wants, though, because she will also acknowledge at those times that that is not going to happen.

I mean, you're saying this, but you are also saying that you find her physical presence unbearable. I think when you say you don't want a divorce you mean that you still want to co-parent with no expectation of a marital relationship.

I don't know what to tell you to do, but in your situation it seems like the arrangement where the kids stay in the same house and the parents rotate to an apartment might work (is that nesting?). Or if the house is big enough one of you leaves the marital bedroom and you basically separate while under the same roof. This can work. You just have to both be committed to the parenting relationship above all else.

Yes, that's exactly what I was trying to say.

We've had separate bedrooms for a long time. The nesting concept wouldn't work for both financial and logistical reasons. As I've said, the one child's support needs are significant.

The issue is getting more complete acceptance that the marital relationship is gone and never coming back.

Why did you have separate BRs for years?

Snoring? Different work schedules? Different sleep schedules? Hatred of each other? One needs to be in SM kids room?

Why?

There are valid and fine reasons. It’s quite common to have separate beds, ask any real estate broker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard to know what you want. It sounds like you have made up your mind and you avoid your wife as much as possible already. Are you hoping for a different relationship at the same time (open marriage?) because it sounds like things are pretty much what you are resigned to already?

I have a child with SN (though I’m guessing they are milder than your child’s based on your description) and there were periods of time I really didn’t think our marriage was going to make it. It is really hard to pour yourself into your kids so intensely and have anything left for your spouse. But I think it’s kind of BS to stay married and live together and give up entirely on the marriage. It’s terrible for your kids to see you stay with someone who you feel repulsed by. I wonder if the medication you are taking is affecting you sexually (?) and that is leading to repulsion? Not saying you should go off them, obviously, just that your reactions sound really extreme.

Lots of DCUM moms are repulsed by their husbands to the point of denying them all physical affection: what’s so extreme about that? That this is a guy?

It just doesn’t match the rest of the description. There’s no reason given that would lead to that level of disgust or hate towards their spouse. But if a woman described this level of disgust towards her spouse but planned to stay married indefinitely with that as the status quo I would not think that was a good idea either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am a woman and I am almost exactly in your shoes. Caregiving takes lots of my emotional energy away. My marriage has been partly of convenience. Separate beds and physical recoiling etc. Therapy is BS and hasn’t helped. Cannot get divorced because of logistics and finances. No desire or time to open the marriage. He still wants sex from me. I don’t know where we go from here. Just wanted you to know you were not alone.

Does he accept that the marriage is over in a traditional sense, or does he want to reconcile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the significant needs of your child mean that they will continue to need a high level of support and be living with parent(s) into adulthood? There is a difference between an arrangement that lasts for 12 more years vs. the rest of your lives.
Perhaps couples counseling, so the two of you have a space to try to really define what the arrangement will be.

Yes, his support needs will continue throughout his life. It's unclear what will happen when we're not physically capable of caring for him. I hate to say it, but that will depend on how the silbing wants to do.

OP, I think you and spouse need to focus on this. It's a huge stressor, and I think it might help to take some of this off your mental load. Please don't make the sibling take this on. You want them to be a sibling, not a resentful caretaker. Get with a financial planner and figure out savings, understand how disability benefits might or might not be a factor, learn about adult group homes, etc. I realize you don't have a crystal ball, and won't know exactly where your kid will be at in terms of need, you can front load a lot of prep and planning. With that done, you and spouse could THEN think more about how your relationship works for now and in the coming years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you blame the special needs on her behavior or her genetics? Did her physical appearance change?

You're stating contradictory things: you can hardly stand her physical presence and you can't bear the sound of her voice, but you're cordial roommates who can sometimes even go out jointly with friends? How does this compute? Doesn't sound cordial.

Are you in therapy, OP? The PP who suggested a depression screening is not wrong. Antidepressants can be a total game changer. SN is very hard on the parents and on the marriage, I really empathize as a SN parent. But you can't let that implode everything forever, by and by you gotta be able to dig yourself out.

Acknowledge to her that she wants something else. Tell her you're not in a place to provide that. Tell her what you're willing to do to improve things, even if it's 5% of what she wants.

OP again. Your last paragraph is exactly where we're stuck. We've had that discussion a million times. But how do you deal with someone that won't accept that and doesn't want a divorce?

What’s your problem?

Your wife wants a home with a family in it working together.

YOU don’t.

Stop playing some weird game where you try to convince her to divorce you and want a divorce.

It takes ONE to divorce.

[Anonymous]

I would be so sad if my child had special needs and my husband was so determined not to love me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I don't want a divorce. I think it would make things harder for everyone.

I guess my more specific problem is that every month or two, usually after talking with her therapist, she seems to go through a phase where she wants something closer to a traditional marriage. It is hard to say exactly what it is she wants, though, because she will also acknowledge at those times that that is not going to happen.

I mean, you're saying this, but you are also saying that you find her physical presence unbearable. I think when you say you don't want a divorce you mean that you still want to co-parent with no expectation of a marital relationship.

I don't know what to tell you to do, but in your situation it seems like the arrangement where the kids stay in the same house and the parents rotate to an apartment might work (is that nesting?). Or if the house is big enough one of you leaves the marital bedroom and you basically separate while under the same roof. This can work. You just have to both be committed to the parenting relationship above all else.

Yes, that's exactly what I was trying to say.

We've had separate bedrooms for a long time. The nesting concept wouldn't work for both financial and logistical reasons. As I've said, the one child's support needs are significant.

The issue is getting more complete acceptance that the marital relationship is gone and never coming back.

Why did you have separate BRs for years?

Snoring? Different work schedules? Different sleep schedules? Hatred of each other? One needs to be in SM kids room?

Why?

There are valid and fine reasons. It’s quite common to have separate beds, ask any real estate broker

Physical distance reduces conflict. We generally avoid being in the same room during the day unless we're doing something that requires it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

Yes, they want some sort of relationship, but again, they acknowledge things have gone too far to ever be like a traditional, loving marriage. I guess they still want some degree of intimacy and emotional support that I'm unable, or at least unwilling, to provide.

Did you provide emotional support before?

Some, although that has admittedly always been a source of conflict. Once the kids came along I lost whatever energy I had for dealing with that. And now I simply do not care.

You sound depressed and I don't blame you. What services do you have in place to make life easier for both of you? Can you take breaks from each other? Where do you see yourself in five years?

No mention of either parents job FT or PT or SAH.
No mention of respite care, nannies, therapists.
No mention of grandparents, aunts or uncles

What’s the deal Op? I’m coming to assume you hide at the office working all the time and want to clock out at home 6pm and weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the significant needs of your child mean that they will continue to need a high level of support and be living with parent(s) into adulthood? There is a difference between an arrangement that lasts for 12 more years vs. the rest of your lives.
Perhaps couples counseling, so the two of you have a space to try to really define what the arrangement will be.

Yes, his support needs will continue throughout his life. It's unclear what will happen when we're not physically capable of caring for him. I hate to say it, but that will depend on how the silbing wants to do.

No it doesn’t. You set up trusts and govt programs while the kid is little: