Broken Marriage, Different Places on Where to Go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you blame the special needs on her behavior or her genetics? Did her physical appearance change?

You're stating contradictory things: you can hardly stand her physical presence and you can't bear the sound of her voice, but you're cordial roommates who can sometimes even go out jointly with friends? How does this compute? Doesn't sound cordial.

Are you in therapy, OP? The PP who suggested a depression screening is not wrong. Antidepressants can be a total game changer. SN is very hard on the parents and on the marriage, I really empathize as a SN parent. But you can't let that implode everything forever, by and by you gotta be able to dig yourself out.

Acknowledge to her that she wants something else. Tell her you're not in a place to provide that. Tell her what you're willing to do to improve things, even if it's 5% of what she wants.

Yes, we're both on antidepressants. I think that's pretty typical for SN parents. I started a couple years ago. And she finally agreed to start a few months ago. No, not a game-changer, but they help.

I don't know why you find the remarks contradictory. As others have said, you do what you have to do in these situations. You can do a lot of group and family activities without much interaction with each other (rather, just with friends and the kids). My idea of cordial may be different than yours. Basically, we can generally avoid fighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you blame the special needs on her behavior or her genetics? Did her physical appearance change?

You're stating contradictory things: you can hardly stand her physical presence and you can't bear the sound of her voice, but you're cordial roommates who can sometimes even go out jointly with friends? How does this compute? Doesn't sound cordial.

Are you in therapy, OP? The PP who suggested a depression screening is not wrong. Antidepressants can be a total game changer. SN is very hard on the parents and on the marriage, I really empathize as a SN parent. But you can't let that implode everything forever, by and by you gotta be able to dig yourself out.

Acknowledge to her that she wants something else. Tell her you're not in a place to provide that. Tell her what you're willing to do to improve things, even if it's 5% of what she wants.

OP again. Your last paragraph is exactly where we're stuck. We've had that discussion a million times. But how do you deal with someone that won't accept that and doesn't want a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

Yes, they want some sort of relationship, but again, they acknowledge things have gone too far to ever be like a traditional, loving marriage. I guess they still want some degree of intimacy and emotional support that I'm unable, or at least unwilling, to provide.

Can you fake it? Just to make the marriage more bearable since you don't want a divorce.

We can fake it fine in front of others, but I physically recoil at her touch, and her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I can't fake any actual feelings of emotional connection to her beyond resentment.

Is this about looks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married 10 years, with two kids under the of 8, one with significant special needs.

The marriage has been in a downward spiral since the pressures/stresses with the kids, with a pretty strep decline during the pandemic. After a failed attempt at marriage therapy, we fell into mode where we effectively became cordial roommates for the last couple years. We give each other space at home, but things are well enough that we can go out with friends and do some family outings.

But the love is gone. I recoil at physical proxity, much less touch, and even find the voice difficult to listen to.

Divorce would be financially and logistically distasterous. And given the significant support needs of one of our kids, it's hard to imagine one person being able to care for the kids. So. either of us views divorce as a plausible option.

In our discussions, we both seem to acknowledge that things gone far enough that there's no going back. I'm of the opinion we double-down on that and accept this is what is sometimes called a parenting marriage. My spouse, not so much, but doesn't have much of an alternative to offer.

I don't really know where to go from here. I've been pretty clear I'd agree to a divorce, but that I don't think either of us could handle it logistically.

Oh this is a dude. So special needs kid precipitated a “downward spiral” because you actually have to help parent. Not fun huh. So in your last paragraph you’re urging her to leave because you are broke and don’t want to be the bad guy? 😒

[Anonymous]

Op doesn’t want to divorce and have the kids on his own during shared custody.
Op also doesn’t want to divorce and pay child support or alimony.

So OP wants the wife to live with him and the kids but just stay away from him and not talk to him in the home. And pretend he’s play the picture perfect family in front of friends. That way he won’t lose his friends too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

Yes, they want some sort of relationship, but again, they acknowledge things have gone too far to ever be like a traditional, loving marriage. I guess they still want some degree of intimacy and emotional support that I'm unable, or at least unwilling, to provide.

Can you fake it? Just to make the marriage more bearable since you don't want a divorce.

We can fake it fine in front of others, but I physically recoil at her touch, and her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I can't fake any actual feelings of emotional connection to her beyond resentment.

Is this about looks?

Physical looks? No, not at all. Why does Dcum always think it is about sex?

[Anonymous]

It’s really hard to know what you want. It sounds like you have made up your mind and you avoid your wife as much as possible already. Are you hoping for a different relationship at the same time (open marriage?) because it sounds like things are pretty much what you are resigned to already?

I have a child with SN (though I’m guessing they are milder than your child’s based on your description) and there were periods of time I really didn’t think our marriage was going to make it. It is really hard to pour yourself into your kids so intensely and have anything left for your spouse. But I think it’s kind of BS to stay married and live together and give up entirely on the marriage. It’s terrible for your kids to see you stay with someone who you feel repulsed by. I wonder if the medication you are taking is affecting you sexually (?) and that is leading to repulsion? Not saying you should go off them, obviously, just that your reactions sound really extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

Yes, they want some sort of relationship, but again, they acknowledge things have gone too far to ever be like a traditional, loving marriage. I guess they still want some degree of intimacy and emotional support that I'm unable, or at least unwilling, to provide.

Did you provide emotional support before?

Some, although that has admittedly always been a source of conflict. Once the kids came along I lost whatever energy I had for dealing with that. And now I simply do not care.

You sound depressed and I don't blame you. What services do you have in place to make life easier for both of you? Can you take breaks from each other? Where do you see yourself in five years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard to know what you want. It sounds like you have made up your mind and you avoid your wife as much as possible already. Are you hoping for a different relationship at the same time (open marriage?) because it sounds like things are pretty much what you are resigned to already?

I have a child with SN (though I’m guessing they are milder than your child’s based on your description) and there were periods of time I really didn’t think our marriage was going to make it. It is really hard to pour yourself into your kids so intensely and have anything left for your spouse. But I think it’s kind of BS to stay married and live together and give up entirely on the marriage. It’s terrible for your kids to see you stay with someone who you feel repulsed by. I wonder if the medication you are taking is affecting you sexually (?) and that is leading to repulsion? Not saying you should go off them, obviously, just that your reactions sound really extreme.

Lots of DCUM moms are repulsed by their husbands to the point of denying them all physical affection: what’s so extreme about that? That this is a guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I can’t comment on your situation either without knowing what kinds of conflicts happened and if reasonable or not to come back from.

Stress and anger, neglect and ignorance, black & white thinkers versus gray, lack of empathy vs empathy.

Simply put, even if our situation were possible to come back from, I'm not interested in that.

Ok, you might not *want* to return your marriage to a loving place, but it seems like maybe in your circumstance you actually need to.

Look, a lot of us sort of dragged ourselves through the process of reconciling with our miserable spouses. It's not easy but for the sake of our kids it was something we felt we had to do. You might have to do the same.

I guess I don't understand why someone would find attempting to force that desirable compared to accepting a non-loving coparenting marriage.

We “force” ourselves to do a lot of things that are good for us like exercising and going to work. I don’t understand why you would live with a “roommate” instead of working through your issues and loving each other. I would find that existence unbearable- maybe OP’s wife is the same. I was done with roommates after college. OP presumably had some positive feelings for this woman at some point. And in the end you would model for your children a relationship that survived ups and downs and came out the other side, which is good for them too.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who was in a similar situation - couldn't divorce (was in the MidEast married to a local man who would never let the kids leave but she couldn't work and support the kids) so they acknowledged they were separated but continued to live together. He moved to a separate room, told the kids they were not in love anymore, still holidayed together but didn't sit for dinner as a family or anything else on a day to day basis. They had originally met in a bar but he had lost all of his family money in a bad business deal and decided to embrace religion. She embraced pork and gin.

It worked for them - and last I heard, now that the kids are older (and their finances better) they have reconciled.

[Anonymous]

Do the significant needs of your child mean that they will continue to need a high level of support and be living with parent(s) into adulthood? There is a difference between an arrangement that lasts for 12 more years vs. the rest of your lives.
Perhaps couples counseling, so the two of you have a space to try to really define what the arrangement will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I don't want a divorce. I think it would make things harder for everyone.

I guess my more specific problem is that every month or two, usually after talking with her therapist, she seems to go through a phase where she wants something closer to a traditional marriage. It is hard to say exactly what it is she wants, though, because she will also acknowledge at those times that that is not going to happen.

I mean, you're saying this, but you are also saying that you find her physical presence unbearable. I think when you say you don't want a divorce you mean that you still want to co-parent with no expectation of a marital relationship.

I don't know what to tell you to do, but in your situation it seems like the arrangement where the kids stay in the same house and the parents rotate to an apartment might work (is that nesting?). Or if the house is big enough one of you leaves the marital bedroom and you basically separate while under the same roof. This can work. You just have to both be committed to the parenting relationship above all else.

Yes, that's exactly what I was trying to say.

We've had separate bedrooms for a long time. The nesting concept wouldn't work for both financial and logistical reasons. As I've said, the one child's support needs are significant.

The issue is getting more complete acceptance that the marital relationship is gone and never coming back.

Your spouse is also a human being with her own life, her own perspective, and her own desires that matter just as much as yours do.
She doesn’t have to accept that things have to be exactly the way that you want them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the significant needs of your child mean that they will continue to need a high level of support and be living with parent(s) into adulthood? There is a difference between an arrangement that lasts for 12 more years vs. the rest of your lives.
Perhaps couples counseling, so the two of you have a space to try to really define what the arrangement will be.

Yes, his support needs will continue throughout his life. It's unclear what will happen when we're not physically capable of caring for him. I hate to say it, but that will depend on how the silbing wants to do.

[Anonymous]

I’d be long gone if my spouse recoiled at my touch, didn’t like my voice and “gave me space at home”. Special needs kid or no, I got married to have a loving healthy adult relationship.. the kids are a nice bonus.
Put another way, why would I be in a relationship where I go out and have a fun outing with spouse or as a family only to get home and not have an intimate loving relationship with the person I spent the whole day with?
Call it a parenting marriage, to make it sound healthy and normal, but garbage is still garbage no matter how much you call it “waste management”.

I’d decide now to have a good marriage and actually do it or I’d divorce. You seem like a manipulative cruel person, op and you are using your special needs kid to justify it. How low can you get.