Broken Marriage, Different Places on Where to Go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to do some individual therapy to find out what your reactions come from (anger, fear, misplaced blame, guilt, childhood issues) No matter what happens you need to work through that. As the kids get older things will change pretty quickly (<5 years or so) and if you can figure yourself out a bit by then you both can make some better informed decisions.

The support needs for our child are not to change, except that they will become physically more demanding over time as he gets bigger. It's certainly not going to get easier over time.

DP. This seems like a good reason to work on being a more flexible human being and come to some kind of compromise in your relationship with your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to do some individual therapy to find out what your reactions come from (anger, fear, misplaced blame, guilt, childhood issues) No matter what happens you need to work through that. As the kids get older things will change pretty quickly (<5 years or so) and if you can figure yourself out a bit by then you both can make some better informed decisions.

The support needs for our child are not to change, except that they will become physically more demanding over time as he gets bigger. It's certainly not going to get easier over time.

DP. This seems like a good reason to work on being a more flexible human being and come to some kind of compromise in your relationship with your wife.

A cordial, but distant, coparenting marriage seems like such a compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you resent your wife because she gave birth to a SN child?

You have not given a clear answer to that repeated question but the above seems to be the subtext?

This life is not what you expected, signed up for, and you blame her?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to do some individual therapy to find out what your reactions come from (anger, fear, misplaced blame, guilt, childhood issues) No matter what happens you need to work through that. As the kids get older things will change pretty quickly (<5 years or so) and if you can figure yourself out a bit by then you both can make some better informed decisions.

The support needs for our child are not to change, except that they will become physically more demanding over time as he gets bigger. It's certainly not going to get easier over time.

DP. This seems like a good reason to work on being a more flexible human being and come to some kind of compromise in your relationship with your wife.

A cordial, but distant, coparenting marriage seems like such a compromise.

That sounds like exactly what you want and not at all what your spouse wants.

Maybe you don’t understand the word “compromise?”

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. It sounds like you have no good options. That’s a very tough place to be stuck in.

Have you considered opening up your marriage? Or even somehow creating separate spaces in your house or on your property for each other — like an in law apartment or something?

Also is part of the stress that you’re “faking it” with the outside world? What if you opened up about the situation to others?

[Anonymous]

Lots of people feel and are stuck in their lot in life. Just take things one day at a time.

[Anonymous]

Get a divorce. Some days the sn kid stays Ith you, other days the NT kid. NT kid gets ine parent’s undivided attention that way. Both parents get respite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to do some individual therapy to find out what your reactions come from (anger, fear, misplaced blame, guilt, childhood issues) No matter what happens you need to work through that. As the kids get older things will change pretty quickly (<5 years or so) and if you can figure yourself out a bit by then you both can make some better informed decisions.

The support needs for our child are not to change, except that they will become physically more demanding over time as he gets bigger. It's certainly not going to get easier over time.

DP. This seems like a good reason to work on being a more flexible human being and come to some kind of compromise in your relationship with your wife.

A cordial, but distant, coparenting marriage seems like such a compromise.

That sounds like exactly what you want and not at all what your spouse wants.

Maybe you don’t understand the word “compromise?”

OP, did she have an affair? What is the source of your resentment? Several have asked.

You are the biggest role models for your children. For your non-SN child, you are both modeling how to treat someone and how to allow yourself to be treated. Displaying contempt and revulsion for their mom is not setting them up well in life. It's very difficult to have a SN child but also to be the sib of a SN child. You are not giving them a framework for a healthy life, the opposite, in fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a divorce. Some days the sn kid stays Ith you, other days the NT kid. NT kid gets ine parent’s undivided attention that way. Both parents get respite.

If the parental relationship improved, that might improve OP's quality of life, too. It would be optimal for both kids and for finances. OP, what is your sticking point in trying?

Have you seen a Gottman therapist?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think you’re here needing to vent more rather than find solutions. That’s ok. It sounds like your child’s special needs are significant enough that regardless of divorce or not you will be intricately tied to your wife until one of you passes. That must feel like a life sentence at times to you which leads to a continual, gnawing sadness.

You have not mentioned what is causing your resentment per se. If it is not something that is workable be frank with your spouse that there is no hope for the kind of marriage she wants. She can make her future choices from an honest place rather than misplaced hope.

If you are financially able to get as much help even for non-child work in the household. Each of you make time even if it is alone in the house for something you enjoy. I know it’s not for everyone but leaning on your faith/God is sometimes all that can get you through.

At the end of the day, remember even though you resent your wife and recoil at her, she is and always will be the mother of your children. Show her kindness from that angle alone. Your children will always remember that.