Broken Marriage, Different Places on Where to Go

[Anonymous]

What is the source of your resentment, OP?

[Anonymous]

Dude, when people say “having children changes everything,” this is what they are talking about OP. You are responsible for another human being for 18 years.

They are not talking about one-off stuff like buying a crib or baby proofing the house or not going out late & getting hammered.

Your life changes and your kids need you. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I can’t comment on your situation either without knowing what kinds of conflicts happened and if reasonable or not to come back from.

Stress and anger, neglect and ignorance, black & white thinkers versus gray, lack of empathy vs empathy.

Simply put, even if our situation were possible to come back from, I'm not interested in that.

Why not? I'm not being judgmental here. Your situation sounds really tough and I'm sorry for you. I'm just curious why you wouldn't want to go back to how you felt when you first fell in love with this person. Not saying it's possible, by the way.

It's a completely different dynamic once kids become involved, particularly when all short and long-term decisions need to be structured around the limitations/challenges of one of them. We've basically had to become different people, with entirely new personal and familial objectives and values.

Is it possible? Only in the same way that it us possible you could force a loving relationship with some radom person you met on the street. I mean, obviously not that extreme, but I think that's a closer comparison than you might think.

If you've had exposure to other kids, say, neices and nephews, then you might think you have some idea of what you're getting into with kids. And while actual experience varies and can certainly challenge and violate your expectations, there's a lot you often can reasonably and accurately expect if you have a healthy and typical child. But those expectations can become wildly inaccurate with other kids. And that changes you in unpredictable and permanent ways.

Thx for the confession Op and three rapid fire posts.

If you’re not a troll you seem quite ignorant and light on life experiences. Very unrealistic expectations of marriage, child rearing, and adult life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you want the convenience that your spouse provides to your life, without giving anything in return. Very sad for your spouse.

He seems to be providing convenience to his wife too. He is taking care of his kids. He just does not want to provide emotional support to the wife.

we really don't know that.
we don't know his job or demands, her job or demands, his role in the house or on the weekend or hers.
we don't know what "take care of the sn kid" means or what "take care of the other kid" means.
we don't know much except the regurgitated cliches OP patches discloses every page.

He said so and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. Also he has a SN kid with significant needs and I am assuming this is sucking away all his energy.
You don't know anything either but you are willing to cast him in the role of villain. Take a good look in the mirror.

Thx Op. good sock puppeting again.
Typical DCUM Troll lash out. Borrrinnng.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude, when people say “having children changes everything,” this is what they are talking about OP. You are responsible for another human being for 18 years.

They are not talking about one-off stuff like buying a crib or baby proofing the house or not going out late & getting hammered.

Your life changes and your kids need you. Full stop.

It's a completely different situation to have a child that will grow up, attend school, make friends, go to college, and have a family versus having a child that will require around the clock care for the rest of their lives. Even if you intellectually know it is a possibility, there's no way to know what it is like. Most people haven't closely observed that situation to have a point of reference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I can’t comment on your situation either without knowing what kinds of conflicts happened and if reasonable or not to come back from.

Stress and anger, neglect and ignorance, black & white thinkers versus gray, lack of empathy vs empathy.

Simply put, even if our situation were possible to come back from, I'm not interested in that.

Why not? I'm not being judgmental here. Your situation sounds really tough and I'm sorry for you. I'm just curious why you wouldn't want to go back to how you felt when you first fell in love with this person. Not saying it's possible, by the way.

It's a completely different dynamic once kids become involved, particularly when all short and long-term decisions need to be structured around the limitations/challenges of one of them. We've basically had to become different people, with entirely new personal and familial objectives and values.

Is it possible? Only in the same way that it us possible you could force a loving relationship with some radom person you met on the street. I mean, obviously not that extreme, but I think that's a closer comparison than you might think.

If you've had exposure to other kids, say, neices and nephews, then you might think you have some idea of what you're getting into with kids. And while actual experience varies and can certainly challenge and violate your expectations, there's a lot you often can reasonably and accurately expect if you have a healthy and typical child. But those expectations can become wildly inaccurate with other kids. And that changes you in unpredictable and permanent ways.

The above bold is patently false.

Everyone needs to grow and adapt to raising and parenting children. Doubly so if a SN or handicapped child.

But you don’t change your fundamental values. Those were already there, and you either represented them outwardly or fake one set yet had another set.

Start going to church Op, you need actual values and perspective.

Yes, you do, because you're forced into a situation where you simply can't do everything for everyone that you'd want to, so you end up prioritizing in ways you could never imagine before being in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I can’t comment on your situation either without knowing what kinds of conflicts happened and if reasonable or not to come back from.

Stress and anger, neglect and ignorance, black & white thinkers versus gray, lack of empathy vs empathy.

Simply put, even if our situation were possible to come back from, I'm not interested in that.

Why not? I'm not being judgmental here. Your situation sounds really tough and I'm sorry for you. I'm just curious why you wouldn't want to go back to how you felt when you first fell in love with this person. Not saying it's possible, by the way.

It's a completely different dynamic once kids become involved, particularly when all short and long-term decisions need to be structured around the limitations/challenges of one of them. We've basically had to become different people, with entirely new personal and familial objectives and values.

Is it possible? Only in the same way that it us possible you could force a loving relationship with some radom person you met on the street. I mean, obviously not that extreme, but I think that's a closer comparison than you might think.

If you've had exposure to other kids, say, neices and nephews, then you might think you have some idea of what you're getting into with kids. And while actual experience varies and can certainly challenge and violate your expectations, there's a lot you often can reasonably and accurately expect if you have a healthy and typical child. But those expectations can become wildly inaccurate with other kids. And that changes you in unpredictable and permanent ways.

I guess I am on a message board giving advice to strangers, so maybe it’s an unfair sample, but it seems like your relationship is worse than it would be with a stranger on the street.
I think most people would be able to provide some empathy and emotional support to a stranger or, maybe more aptly, a co-worker of many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I can’t comment on your situation either without knowing what kinds of conflicts happened and if reasonable or not to come back from.

Stress and anger, neglect and ignorance, black & white thinkers versus gray, lack of empathy vs empathy.

Simply put, even if our situation were possible to come back from, I'm not interested in that.

Why not? I'm not being judgmental here. Your situation sounds really tough and I'm sorry for you. I'm just curious why you wouldn't want to go back to how you felt when you first fell in love with this person. Not saying it's possible, by the way.

It's a completely different dynamic once kids become involved, particularly when all short and long-term decisions need to be structured around the limitations/challenges of one of them. We've basically had to become different people, with entirely new personal and familial objectives and values.

Is it possible? Only in the same way that it us possible you could force a loving relationship with some radom person you met on the street. I mean, obviously not that extreme, but I think that's a closer comparison than you might think.

If you've had exposure to other kids, say, neices and nephews, then you might think you have some idea of what you're getting into with kids. And while actual experience varies and can certainly challenge and violate your expectations, there's a lot you often can reasonably and accurately expect if you have a healthy and typical child. But those expectations can become wildly inaccurate with other kids. And that changes you in unpredictable and permanent ways.

I guess I am on a message board giving advice to strangers, so maybe it’s an unfair sample, but it seems like your relationship is worse than it would be with a stranger on the street.
I think most people would be able to provide some empathy and emotional support to a stranger or, maybe more aptly, a co-worker of many years.

I don't think that's accurate at all. If you and a stranger were both trapped in a challenging situation, you would likely both compartmentalize as necessary to deal with the immediate needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I can’t comment on your situation either without knowing what kinds of conflicts happened and if reasonable or not to come back from.

Stress and anger, neglect and ignorance, black & white thinkers versus gray, lack of empathy vs empathy.

Simply put, even if our situation were possible to come back from, I'm not interested in that.

Why not? I'm not being judgmental here. Your situation sounds really tough and I'm sorry for you. I'm just curious why you wouldn't want to go back to how you felt when you first fell in love with this person. Not saying it's possible, by the way.

It's a completely different dynamic once kids become involved, particularly when all short and long-term decisions need to be structured around the limitations/challenges of one of them. We've basically had to become different people, with entirely new personal and familial objectives and values.

Is it possible? Only in the same way that it us possible you could force a loving relationship with some radom person you met on the street. I mean, obviously not that extreme, but I think that's a closer comparison than you might think.

If you've had exposure to other kids, say, neices and nephews, then you might think you have some idea of what you're getting into with kids. And while actual experience varies and can certainly challenge and violate your expectations, there's a lot you often can reasonably and accurately expect if you have a healthy and typical child. But those expectations can become wildly inaccurate with other kids. And that changes you in unpredictable and permanent ways.

I guess I am on a message board giving advice to strangers, so maybe it’s an unfair sample, but it seems like your relationship is worse than it would be with a stranger on the street.
I think most people would be able to provide some empathy and emotional support to a stranger or, maybe more aptly, a co-worker of many years.

I don't think that's accurate at all. If you and a stranger were both trapped in a challenging situation, you would likely both compartmentalize as necessary to deal with the immediate needs.

I’m an ER doctor, so I am in challenging situations with co-workers and strangers pretty frequently. In the moment, yes, we deal with immediate needs. But then afterward, we talk about it. And when things are slow, we share things about our lives and are generally supportive of each other.

I mean, it’s been years. You live together. You have been in therapy together. Even if she felt like a stranger in the months or initial year or so after the birth of your child, certainly she isn’t anymore.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to do some individual therapy to find out what your reactions come from (anger, fear, misplaced blame, guilt, childhood issues) No matter what happens you need to work through that. As the kids get older things will change pretty quickly (<5 years or so) and if you can figure yourself out a bit by then you both can make some better informed decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to do some individual therapy to find out what your reactions come from (anger, fear, misplaced blame, guilt, childhood issues) No matter what happens you need to work through that. As the kids get older things will change pretty quickly (<5 years or so) and if you can figure yourself out a bit by then you both can make some better informed decisions.

The support needs for our child are not to change, except that they will become physically more demanding over time as he gets bigger. It's certainly not going to get easier over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to do some individual therapy to find out what your reactions come from (anger, fear, misplaced blame, guilt, childhood issues) No matter what happens you need to work through that. As the kids get older things will change pretty quickly (<5 years or so) and if you can figure yourself out a bit by then you both can make some better informed decisions.

The support needs for our child are not to change, except that they will become physically more demanding over time as he gets bigger. It's certainly not going to get easier over time.

But your other child will be more independent, and so your routine will be very different. And, yes, there will be caregiver support options for your sn child. I hear you feeling like you’re just not cut out for this. We all feel that way as parents. Find your escape hatch - maybe it’s music - go see a live band (or play an pen mic night) twice a month and hire a sitter to help your wife. Then insist your wife goes out twice a month with her sister or her coworker and do the same. Be the grace for eachother right now even if that’s all you can give eachother. Don’t have regrets. And, yes, go to therapy. It’s cheaper than divorce and worth more than life insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, when people say “having children changes everything,” this is what they are talking about OP. You are responsible for another human being for 18 years.

They are not talking about one-off stuff like buying a crib or baby proofing the house or not going out late & getting hammered.

Your life changes and your kids need you. Full stop.

It's a completely different situation to have a child that will grow up, attend school, make friends, go to college, and have a family versus having a child that will require around the clock care for the rest of their lives. Even if you intellectually know it is a possibility, there's no way to know what it is like. Most people haven't closely observed that situation to have a point of reference.

If you were paying attention you probably would have picked up on neighborhood or friend or coworker or extended family members with exactly such a SN child. It is difficult and never ending. Medicaid, special programs special schools, special vacations, respite programs, trusts, special jobs programs, and often shortened life spans.

Have you ever spent time with support groups on this or even the DCUM special needs board? You are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I can’t comment on your situation either without knowing what kinds of conflicts happened and if reasonable or not to come back from.

Stress and anger, neglect and ignorance, black & white thinkers versus gray, lack of empathy vs empathy.

Simply put, even if our situation were possible to come back from, I'm not interested in that.

Why not? I'm not being judgmental here. Your situation sounds really tough and I'm sorry for you. I'm just curious why you wouldn't want to go back to how you felt when you first fell in love with this person. Not saying it's possible, by the way.

It's a completely different dynamic once kids become involved, particularly when all short and long-term decisions need to be structured around the limitations/challenges of one of them. We've basically had to become different people, with entirely new personal and familial objectives and values.

Is it possible? Only in the same way that it us possible you could force a loving relationship with some radom person you met on the street. I mean, obviously not that extreme, but I think that's a closer comparison than you might think.

If you've had exposure to other kids, say, neices and nephews, then you might think you have some idea of what you're getting into with kids. And while actual experience varies and can certainly challenge and violate your expectations, there's a lot you often can reasonably and accurately expect if you have a healthy and typical child. But those expectations can become wildly inaccurate with other kids. And that changes you in unpredictable and permanent ways.

The above bold is patently false.

Everyone needs to grow and adapt to raising and parenting children. Doubly so if a SN or handicapped child.

But you don’t change your fundamental values. Those were already there, and you either represented them outwardly or fake one set yet had another set.

Start going to church Op, you need actual values and perspective.

Yes, you do, because you're forced into a situation where you simply can't do everything for everyone that you'd want to, so you end up prioritizing in ways you could never imagine before being in that situation.

Like how, give us your top three examples.

[Anonymous]

Are you saying you resent your wife because she gave birth to a SN child?

You have not given a clear answer to that repeated question but the above seems to be the subtext?

This life is not what you expected, signed up for, and you blame her?