Broken Marriage, Different Places on Where to Go

[Anonymous]

Married 10 years, with two kids under the of 8, one with significant special needs.

The marriage has been in a downward spiral since the pressures/stresses with the kids, with a pretty strep decline during the pandemic. After a failed attempt at marriage therapy, we fell into mode where we effectively became cordial roommates for the last couple years. We give each other space at home, but things are well enough that we can go out with friends and do some family outings.

But the love is gone. I recoil at physical proxity, much less touch, and even find the voice difficult to listen to.

Divorce would be financially and logistically distasterous. And given the significant support needs of one of our kids, it's hard to imagine one person being able to care for the kids. So. either of us views divorce as a plausible option.

In our discussions, we both seem to acknowledge that things gone far enough that there's no going back. I'm of the opinion we double-down on that and accept this is what is sometimes called a parenting marriage. My spouse, not so much, but doesn't have much of an alternative to offer.

I don't really know where to go from here. I've been pretty clear I'd agree to a divorce, but that I don't think either of us could handle it logistically.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have your answer. Divorce is not an option, so stop thinking about it bc that is likely adding to your suffering.

[Anonymous]

Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

Yes, they want some sort of relationship, but again, they acknowledge things have gone too far to ever be like a traditional, loving marriage. I guess they still want some degree of intimacy and emotional support that I'm unable, or at least unwilling, to provide.

[Anonymous]

Maybe that's it, though-- being in some sort of grieving process over the marriage. But it's been like this for two years.

[Anonymous]

It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

Yes, they want some sort of relationship, but again, they acknowledge things have gone too far to ever be like a traditional, loving marriage. I guess they still want some degree of intimacy and emotional support that I'm unable, or at least unwilling, to provide.

Can you fake it? Just to make the marriage more bearable since you don't want a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I don't want a divorce. I think it would make things harder for everyone.

I guess my more specific problem is that every month or two, usually after talking with her therapist, she seems to go through a phase where she wants something closer to a traditional marriage. It is hard to say exactly what it is she wants, though, because she will also acknowledge at those times that that is not going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

Yes, they want some sort of relationship, but again, they acknowledge things have gone too far to ever be like a traditional, loving marriage. I guess they still want some degree of intimacy and emotional support that I'm unable, or at least unwilling, to provide.

Can you fake it? Just to make the marriage more bearable since you don't want a divorce.

We can fake it fine in front of others, but I physically recoil at her touch, and her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I can't fake any actual feelings of emotional connection to her beyond resentment.

[Anonymous]

Could you two open the marriage? Sounds like you both can coexist but want/need to get your rocks off and can't do that with each other.

[Anonymous]

Were you in love with her once?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I can’t comment on your situation either without knowing what kinds of conflicts happened and if reasonable or not to come back from.

Stress and anger, neglect and ignorance, black & white thinkers versus gray, lack of empathy vs empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you two open the marriage? Sounds like you both can coexist but want/need to get your rocks off and can't do that with each other.

There's no particular desire to open the marriage, mostly for logistical reasons. Neither of us would have time for that. Child care responsibilities are basically a two person job at all times.

[Anonymous]

Lots of SN kids marriages divorce. And the 50/50 custody provides respite during non custody days.

However lots of SN kids marriages divorce because one or more disorders are genetic and a parent may have some as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I can’t comment on your situation either without knowing what kinds of conflicts happened and if reasonable or not to come back from.

Stress and anger, neglect and ignorance, black & white thinkers versus gray, lack of empathy vs empathy.

Simply put, even if our situation were possible to come back from, I'm not interested in that.