Broken Marriage, Different Places on Where to Go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

Yes, they want some sort of relationship, but again, they acknowledge things have gone too far to ever be like a traditional, loving marriage. I guess they still want some degree of intimacy and emotional support that I'm unable, or at least unwilling, to provide.

Can you fake it? Just to make the marriage more bearable since you don't want a divorce.

We can fake it fine in front of others, but I physically recoil at her touch, and her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I can't fake any actual feelings of emotional connection to her beyond resentment.

Why do you resent her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

Yes, they want some sort of relationship, but again, they acknowledge things have gone too far to ever be like a traditional, loving marriage. I guess they still want some degree of intimacy and emotional support that I'm unable, or at least unwilling, to provide.

Did you provide emotional support before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of SN kids marriages divorce. And the 50/50 custody provides respite during non custody days.

However lots of SN kids marriages divorce because one or more disorders are genetic and a parent may have some as well.

Without getting into the specifics, the support needs of one child are significant, making them impractical for one person to fulfill while also accommodating the other child. The support needs are also very expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

Yes, they want some sort of relationship, but again, they acknowledge things have gone too far to ever be like a traditional, loving marriage. I guess they still want some degree of intimacy and emotional support that I'm unable, or at least unwilling, to provide.

Did you provide emotional support before?

Some, although that has admittedly always been a source of conflict. Once the kids came along I lost whatever energy I had for dealing with that. And now I simply do not care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were you in love with her once?

Hard to say. It was always, to an extent, a marriage of convenience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I don't want a divorce. I think it would make things harder for everyone.

I guess my more specific problem is that every month or two, usually after talking with her therapist, she seems to go through a phase where she wants something closer to a traditional marriage. It is hard to say exactly what it is she wants, though, because she will also acknowledge at those times that that is not going to happen.

I mean, you're saying this, but you are also saying that you find her physical presence unbearable. I think when you say you don't want a divorce you mean that you still want to co-parent with no expectation of a marital relationship.

I don't know what to tell you to do, but in your situation it seems like the arrangement where the kids stay in the same house and the parents rotate to an apartment might work (is that nesting?). Or if the house is big enough one of you leaves the marital bedroom and you basically separate while under the same roof. This can work. You just have to both be committed to the parenting relationship above all else.

[Anonymous]

I think you should get screened for depression. Talk to your physician or therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I don't want a divorce. I think it would make things harder for everyone.

I guess my more specific problem is that every month or two, usually after talking with her therapist, she seems to go through a phase where she wants something closer to a traditional marriage. It is hard to say exactly what it is she wants, though, because she will also acknowledge at those times that that is not going to happen.

I mean, you're saying this, but you are also saying that you find her physical presence unbearable. I think when you say you don't want a divorce you mean that you still want to co-parent with no expectation of a marital relationship.

I don't know what to tell you to do, but in your situation it seems like the arrangement where the kids stay in the same house and the parents rotate to an apartment might work (is that nesting?). Or if the house is big enough one of you leaves the marital bedroom and you basically separate while under the same roof. This can work. You just have to both be committed to the parenting relationship above all else.

Yes, that's exactly what I was trying to say.

We've had separate bedrooms for a long time. The nesting concept wouldn't work for both financial and logistical reasons. As I've said, the one child's support needs are significant.

The issue is getting more complete acceptance that the marital relationship is gone and never coming back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should get screened for depression. Talk to your physician or therapist.

Of course. Done and done, for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I can’t comment on your situation either without knowing what kinds of conflicts happened and if reasonable or not to come back from.

Stress and anger, neglect and ignorance, black & white thinkers versus gray, lack of empathy vs empathy.

Simply put, even if our situation were possible to come back from, I'm not interested in that.

Ok, you might not *want* to return your marriage to a loving place, but it seems like maybe in your circumstance you actually need to.

Look, a lot of us sort of dragged ourselves through the process of reconciling with our miserable spouses. It's not easy but for the sake of our kids it was something we felt we had to do. You might have to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is long and when I was younger I remember hearing couples talk about "the bad years." While it sounds like you're in a bad place in terms of her presence and voice annoying you, I still think you can move the relationship to a better place.

If you haven't read it, yet, check out Gottman's Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work. Right now, maybe focus on avoiding the "four horsemen:" Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I can’t comment on your situation either without knowing what kinds of conflicts happened and if reasonable or not to come back from.

Stress and anger, neglect and ignorance, black & white thinkers versus gray, lack of empathy vs empathy.

Simply put, even if our situation were possible to come back from, I'm not interested in that.

Ok, you might not *want* to return your marriage to a loving place, but it seems like maybe in your circumstance you actually need to.

Look, a lot of us sort of dragged ourselves through the process of reconciling with our miserable spouses. It's not easy but for the sake of our kids it was something we felt we had to do. You might have to do the same.

I guess I don't understand why someone would find attempting to force that desirable compared to accepting a non-loving coparenting marriage.

[Anonymous]

Do you blame the special needs on her behavior or her genetics? Did her physical appearance change?

You're stating contradictory things: you can hardly stand her physical presence and you can't bear the sound of her voice, but you're cordial roommates who can sometimes even go out jointly with friends? How does this compute? Doesn't sound cordial.

Are you in therapy, OP? The PP who suggested a depression screening is not wrong. Antidepressants can be a total game changer. SN is very hard on the parents and on the marriage, I really empathize as a SN parent. But you can't let that implode everything forever, by and by you gotta be able to dig yourself out.

Acknowledge to her that she wants something else. Tell her you're not in a place to provide that. Tell her what you're willing to do to improve things, even if it's 5% of what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I don't want a divorce. I think it would make things harder for everyone.

I guess my more specific problem is that every month or two, usually after talking with her therapist, she seems to go through a phase where she wants something closer to a traditional marriage. It is hard to say exactly what it is she wants, though, because she will also acknowledge at those times that that is not going to happen.

It think you mean divorce with custody time would be harder on YOU.

You need the mother figure around to do everything difficult.

In fact you find parenting and keeping a home so difficult, you cannot fathom any other way than the current one. Where your wife, a concept you hate since you hate being a husband or father and giving anything of yourself, is doing everything.

[Anonymous]

That or zany Troll OP, trying a serious side yet still not quite making much sense.