Estrangement from parents causing them to reach out more in really weird and surface-level ways?

[Anonymous]

Go to therapy. You need to figure out how, as a mother, you want to model to your children how to deal with difficult people. You don't yet have a good sense of that and need to get that straightened out. Especially if you have difficult parents, and it sounds like you do given the phone messages.

Your are not obligated to be in touch with them, but it doesn't sound like you're ready to permanently cut them off either, and that's, in my opinion a good thing.

Get a therapist who can help you figure out how to navigate this transition in your life, which would be major without your parental estrangement but is now even more difficult due to this estrangement.

I wish the best to you right now. You are raw and hurting and healing (literally).

I think the previous posters were right. You parents want a superficial relationship. Please learn how to set boundaries and give them a superficial relationship with you and their grandchild and don't expect more than they can give.

And keep in mind that you're setting your own relationship with your child up for failure if you show them that cutting people off permanently when they royally screw up is the best way to handle it. We are all imperfect. Forgiveness and grace are the better path, especially when dealing with immature people like your parents.

[Anonymous]

NP. Get some sleep and some therapy. Your post is entirely irrational, and your parents sound like the reasonable ones. I suspect the truth is more in the middle but based on your post, you are not in a good frame of mind. The pregnancy and post partum months are really hard. Don’t make dramatic mistakes you’ll regret later due to exhaustion and being emotionally wrung out.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. Your parents sound similar to my mom, who also just took emotional abuse from her family and considered it normal.

Please go to therapy and figure out what to do. Obviously your parents want a superficial relationship with their grandchild, but like my mother, will never apologize for anything - even if that is the only requirement to get what they want. I kept a superficial relationship with my mom, instead of breaking off ties, but that has its own problems as well.

Unlike your dh, I don't think your parents are doing this to annoy you, I don't think they sound that deep. They probably want a picture with their grandkid to show their friends or something.

[Anonymous]

As someone with parents like this- my advice:

- those who haven’t experience this do NOT understand. Ignore comments about you being mean, or you being the “crazy one” etc. They may mean well, but they have no idea what they are talking about, or what you are dealing with.

- long term estrangement is rarely the best way forward for YOU, trust me on that. It is more emotional work than maintaining a superficial or tightly managed relationship.

Email or text your parents a polite note. Thank them for the gifts and send a few recent photos of the baby, along with some brief comments on how baby is doing (he already weighs 10lbs! and I think he looks a bit like grandpa Larlo) etc. Then tell them that you are busy with the baby and recovering from childbirth- and need some time to think things through. Ask that they respect that and not contact you for a short period. Tell them you will contact them by (date 6-8 weeks from now) to talk and arrange a visit. Use this time to get yourself together, and perhaps get a few therapy sessions in. Keep your word and contact them by the date you told them.

Going forward, YOU keep control of the relationship for now, and schedule whatever regular visits you can handle. Public places (with a scheduled start time and end time) are often best. See how things go from there.

You can do this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to ask yourself why you haven’t blocked them. You aren’t allowed to complain until you block them in every way you can.

this

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the rude comments, those people have no clue what it is like to have emotionally unavailable parents like that. I understand you. Your parents seems so superficial, so fake, that's because they are wired that way, they have "avoidant attachment" style, which means they avoid emotions at all cost, emotions make them feeling so uncomfortable. So when you ask them "why don't you address the lies you told", they feel that enormous amount of emotion and they can't handle it at all. Their definition of love is "avoid my emotions" or "only show positive emotions" at all times, this also means they see any display of negative emotion as "hate". I know, it sounds so weird, doesn't it? There are some good podcasts on this. People with avoidant attachment style are the worst! They raise troubled kids who grow up to be emotionally unhealthy adult (in other words, kids with hurt feelings who never get their hurt feelings addressed grow up to be hurt adults). Commenters who say "how can you do this to your parents when you have kids yourself" are simply ignorant.

For avoidant adults, social interactions and bonds remain on the surface. In order for a relationship to be meaningful and fulfilling, it has to become deep. That’s when you would "hit a wall" when dealing with avoidant attachment style and relationships.

You want to address what they did that hurt you deeply, not because you hate them, but because you love them and you long for their love in return. But you've "hit a wall". Your parents are incapable of dealing with your emotions, they seem you as weak, hateful and mean. That's why they can say "i hope we can put our past behind us". How can you put the past behind you when they don't even admit doing anything wrong? What's the "past" then?!

To the avoidant adult, emotional closeness and intimacy are often off the table. Not because they will not reap benefits, but because they do not know how. Either way, not being able to build a deep, meaningful, and long-lasting relationship can be painful for people with this attachment style. It can also be heart-breaking for the ones who love them.

OP, do you think your parents are avoidant? Certainly sounds like it to me. I am sorry you have to deal with this. It's NOT your fault!

Typed this really fast, please excuse any typos or grammar error.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I can't wait for your kids to grow up. Not because I think or hope that they'll act the way you do, but because you might finally learn to extend some grace and that no one is perfect.

I will never get posts like these. You may disagree with the way op is going about the issue (I know I do!) but it doesn't change the fact that her parents acted in a way that is not acceptable and normal. Most people do not do what op described, so why would she learn about grace? I know difficult people in my life are a lesson in what NOT to do, and not a lesson in grace.

The fact that she is considering involving the police tells me she is half the problem. We are hearing her perspective. No one is perfect.

Poster you have excrement between your ears. Or you are a very naive person living a charmed life who has zero compassion and instead judges people. People like you make me sick.

Millions of people are rightfully estranged from abusive family members. Many of them have to get restraining orders to compel those abusive family members to leave them alone. NO child owes a relationship to abusive parents, nor should they be expected to subject their child to those same people who have abused them so they can have fresh meat to abuse. Most abusive parents will go out of their way to undermine the relationship between their children and their grandchildren if given the chance - these are mentally ill, emotionally immature people with no boundaries.

OP write a letter to your parents, as detailed or not as you like, requesting that they never contact you again and letting them know that any further contact will be considered harassment and you will take legal measures to compel them to stay away.

You don’t owe them anything - you didn’t ask to be born and they have treated you with unconscionable cruelty. Focus all your energy on breaking the cycle and raising your own kids with love and kindness.

I’m sure you’re the victim everywhere you go.

I haven't been a victim since the day I estranged myself from my abusive parents. As a former prosecutor of child abuse cases among others, I know how lucky I am to have survived the beatings I took as a little child and the introduction to penises by my father and his drunken pals.

You, poster, are a judgmental POS. Likely irredeemable if you have no capacity for compassion for children who take the extreme step of estranging - they don't do it for shallow reasons. Nobody does it for shallow reasons, and long term psychological abuse by parents is just as damaging as physical and sexual abuse. Now kindly GFY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you block their phone number and email address?

Right?

OP is a drama queen too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I can't wait for your kids to grow up. Not because I think or hope that they'll act the way you do, but because you might finally learn to extend some grace and that no one is perfect.

I will never get posts like these. You may disagree with the way op is going about the issue (I know I do!) but it doesn't change the fact that her parents acted in a way that is not acceptable and normal. Most people do not do what op described, so why would she learn about grace? I know difficult people in my life are a lesson in what NOT to do, and not a lesson in grace.

The fact that she is considering involving the police tells me she is half the problem. We are hearing her perspective. No one is perfect.

Poster you have excrement between your ears. Or you are a very naive person living a charmed life who has zero compassion and instead judges people. People like you make me sick.

Millions of people are rightfully estranged from abusive family members. Many of them have to get restraining orders to compel those abusive family members to leave them alone. NO child owes a relationship to abusive parents, nor should they be expected to subject their child to those same people who have abused them so they can have fresh meat to abuse. Most abusive parents will go out of their way to undermine the relationship between their children and their grandchildren if given the chance - these are mentally ill, emotionally immature people with no boundaries.

OP write a letter to your parents, as detailed or not as you like, requesting that they never contact you again and letting them know that any further contact will be considered harassment and you will take legal measures to compel them to stay away.

You don’t owe them anything - you didn’t ask to be born and they have treated you with unconscionable cruelty. Focus all your energy on breaking the cycle and raising your own kids with love and kindness.

I’m sure you’re the victim everywhere you go.

I haven't been a victim since the day I estranged myself from my abusive parents. As a former prosecutor of child abuse cases among others, I know how lucky I am to have survived the beatings I took as a little child and the introduction to penises by my father and his drunken pals.

You, poster, are a judgmental POS. Likely irredeemable if you have no capacity for compassion for children who take the extreme step of estranging - they don't do it for shallow reasons. Nobody does it for shallow reasons, and long term psychological abuse by parents is just as damaging as physical and sexual abuse. Now kindly GFY.

When you express your emotions and feelings and they calling you “playing victim”, that’s a sure sign that they are emotionally damaged. People with Avoidant attachment style sees emotion as bad and evil, they are disgusted by others who express their nagative feelings, they think you are weak and should just deal with it (whatever caused your feelings). Those people have no heart. They never develop any meaningful or deep relationship with anyone. It’s sad because they are like that because when they were little kids, their parents treated them that way, they learned to “toughen up “ but end up become basically heartless. It’s cruel to their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. Your parents sound similar to my mom, who also just took emotional abuse from her family and considered it normal.

Please go to therapy and figure out what to do. Obviously your parents want a superficial relationship with their grandchild, but like my mother, will never apologize for anything - even if that is the only requirement to get what they want. I kept a superficial relationship with my mom, instead of breaking off ties, but that has its own problems as well.

Unlike your dh, I don't think your parents are doing this to annoy you, I don't think they sound that deep. They probably want a picture with their grandkid to show their friends or something.

NP here. My mom is the same. They behaved poorly over the years, especially after my kids were born. The best was arriving at the hospital uninvited when our first son was born and lingering impatiently in the hallway two days in a row, even asking the nurse if they could consider a C-section because she though it was taking too long. As if she had a say. Lots of stupid stuff like that over the years, snd now it’s a relationship with a lot of cheesy Hallmark birthday and holiday texts. It’s come down to visiting to get the photos to share with friends. I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are trying and you are making that difficult. Wow.

Not OP but they are trying without addressing their lying and previous behavior. OP is not making it difficult. Her parents are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are trying and you are making that difficult. Wow.

Not OP but they are trying without addressing their lying and previous behavior. OP is not making it difficult. Her parents are.

In life, you can only control yourself. Accepting your parents and acting accordingly is what being an adult is about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I can't wait for your kids to grow up. Not because I think or hope that they'll act the way you do, but because you might finally learn to extend some grace and that no one is perfect.

I will never get posts like these. You may disagree with the way op is going about the issue (I know I do!) but it doesn't change the fact that her parents acted in a way that is not acceptable and normal. Most people do not do what op described, so why would she learn about grace? I know difficult people in my life are a lesson in what NOT to do, and not a lesson in grace.

The fact that she is considering involving the police tells me she is half the problem. We are hearing her perspective. No one is perfect.

Poster you have excrement between your ears. Or you are a very naive person living a charmed life who has zero compassion and instead judges people. People like you make me sick.

Millions of people are rightfully estranged from abusive family members. Many of them have to get restraining orders to compel those abusive family members to leave them alone. NO child owes a relationship to abusive parents, nor should they be expected to subject their child to those same people who have abused them so they can have fresh meat to abuse. Most abusive parents will go out of their way to undermine the relationship between their children and their grandchildren if given the chance - these are mentally ill, emotionally immature people with no boundaries.

OP write a letter to your parents, as detailed or not as you like, requesting that they never contact you again and letting them know that any further contact will be considered harassment and you will take legal measures to compel them to stay away.

You don’t owe them anything - you didn’t ask to be born and they have treated you with unconscionable cruelty. Focus all your energy on breaking the cycle and raising your own kids with love and kindness.

Nothing in OP's post indicates anything approaching the level of abuse that you are inferring nor unconscionable cruelty.

Exactly. Did OP give more details about the "lie?" Maybe I missed it?

PP your extreme reaction may be warranted by facts in your experience but OP has described nothing of the sort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you block their phone number and email address?

Right?

OP is a drama queen too.

Feels like a possible troll?

What was the "lie?"

Talking about the police is inflammatory trolling or someone very out of touch with reality and how the world works, if true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I can't wait for your kids to grow up. Not because I think or hope that they'll act the way you do, but because you might finally learn to extend some grace and that no one is perfect.

I will never get posts like these. You may disagree with the way op is going about the issue (I know I do!) but it doesn't change the fact that her parents acted in a way that is not acceptable and normal. Most people do not do what op described, so why would she learn about grace? I know difficult people in my life are a lesson in what NOT to do, and not a lesson in grace.

The fact that she is considering involving the police tells me she is half the problem. We are hearing her perspective. No one is perfect.

Poster you have excrement between your ears. Or you are a very naive person living a charmed life who has zero compassion and instead judges people. People like you make me sick.

Millions of people are rightfully estranged from abusive family members. Many of them have to get restraining orders to compel those abusive family members to leave them alone. NO child owes a relationship to abusive parents, nor should they be expected to subject their child to those same people who have abused them so they can have fresh meat to abuse. Most abusive parents will go out of their way to undermine the relationship between their children and their grandchildren if given the chance - these are mentally ill, emotionally immature people with no boundaries.

OP write a letter to your parents, as detailed or not as you like, requesting that they never contact you again and letting them know that any further contact will be considered harassment and you will take legal measures to compel them to stay away.

You don’t owe them anything - you didn’t ask to be born and they have treated you with unconscionable cruelty. Focus all your energy on breaking the cycle and raising your own kids with love and kindness.

I’m sure you’re the victim everywhere you go.

I haven't been a victim since the day I estranged myself from my abusive parents. As a former prosecutor of child abuse cases among others, I know how lucky I am to have survived the beatings I took as a little child and the introduction to penises by my father and his drunken pals.

You, poster, are a judgmental POS. Likely irredeemable if you have no capacity for compassion for children who take the extreme step of estranging - they don't do it for shallow reasons. Nobody does it for shallow reasons, and long term psychological abuse by parents is just as damaging as physical and sexual abuse. Now kindly GFY.

I am sorry for your experiences, PP. I share many of them. I don't think we can say all that much about OP, or assume about her reasons. Sometimes people grow up with chaotic attachment patterns and use them as adults. The idea of calling the police without having blocked numbers makes me think OP is off herself. Which could be due to abuse, or not, we don't know. She could have psychological issues independent of abuse.