Estrangement from parents causing them to reach out more in really weird and surface-level ways?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh I can't wait for your kids to grow up. Not because I think or hope that they'll act the way you do, but because you might finally learn to extend some grace and that no one is perfect.

I will never get posts like these. You may disagree with the way op is going about the issue (I know I do!) but it doesn't change the fact that her parents acted in a way that is not acceptable and normal. Most people do not do what op described, so why would she learn about grace? I know difficult people in my life are a lesson in what NOT to do, and not a lesson in grace.

The fact that she is considering involving the police tells me she is half the problem. We are hearing her perspective. No one is perfect.

Poster you have excrement between your ears. Or you are a very naive person living a charmed life who has zero compassion and instead judges people. People like you make me sick.

Millions of people are rightfully estranged from abusive family members. Many of them have to get restraining orders to compel those abusive family members to leave them alone. NO child owes a relationship to abusive parents, nor should they be expected to subject their child to those same people who have abused them so they can have fresh meat to abuse. Most abusive parents will go out of their way to undermine the relationship between their children and their grandchildren if given the chance - these are mentally ill, emotionally immature people with no boundaries.

OP write a letter to your parents, as detailed or not as you like, requesting that they never contact you again and letting them know that any further contact will be considered harassment and you will take legal measures to compel them to stay away.

You don’t owe them anything - you didn’t ask to be born and they have treated you with unconscionable cruelty. Focus all your energy on breaking the cycle and raising your own kids with love and kindness.

I’m sure you’re the victim everywhere you go.

I haven't been a victim since the day I estranged myself from my abusive parents. As a former prosecutor of child abuse cases among others, I know how lucky I am to have survived the beatings I took as a little child and the introduction to penises by my father and his drunken pals.

You, poster, are a judgmental POS. Likely irredeemable if you have no capacity for compassion for children who take the extreme step of estranging - they don't do it for shallow reasons. Nobody does it for shallow reasons, and long term psychological abuse by parents is just as damaging as physical and sexual abuse. Now kindly GFY.

When you express your emotions and feelings and they calling you “playing victim”, that’s a sure sign that they are emotionally damaged. People with Avoidant attachment style sees emotion as bad and evil, they are disgusted by others who express their nagative feelings, they think you are weak and should just deal with it (whatever caused your feelings). Those people have no heart. They never develop any meaningful or deep relationship with anyone. It’s sad because they are like that because when they were little kids, their parents treated them that way, they learned to “toughen up “ but end up become basically heartless. It’s cruel to their children.

A healthy response to such people would be different than what OP has done.

[Anonymous]

Dysfunctional families are often addicted to their dysfunctional dance and don't accept boundaries or take responsibility or apologize. You need to remain calm. Any frustrated interactions you have, reinforce the dance. You let them know all the things you found hurtful and they are letting you know they will not take responsibility in any way at this point.

I would get therapy to cope because they will keep reaching out, gossiping about you, etc. and you want to learn how to detach. Also, you want some detached and calm phrases you can use when anyone outside the family or in extended family tries to drag you in.

I went very low contact and am willing to send polite cards and have polite exchanges, but have zero tolerance for abuse. There were countless attempts to draw me into chaos, drama, fights. I ignored.

it got to the point I could not even meet in a public place or have a phone conversation. I needed proof of every interaction so i could not be gaslit. Now I see the abusive text and know that yes, there was abuse and yes, I am secure in staying very detached. Nobody can gaslight me about this text that contains 12 insults and 2 threats and nobody can tell me I provoked it because I see only a polite and detached email from me saying "Hope you have a wonderful Valentine's day" that in no way could even be seen as a passive aggressive dig worthy of that response.

The way I see it is you try everything to make a relationship work. Then you slowly step back until you find that comfort zone where there can be respectful and not abusive interactions. Sometimes sadly that means estrangement, but it's a gradual movement.