Estrangement from parents causing them to reach out more in really weird and surface-level ways?
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Anonymous
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I've been estranged from my parents since November 2023. Since 2020 it's been extremely strained and nonstop promises of "oh we'll be better" that they don't keep. Nasty remarks, needing to get their way on everything, always being right, gossiping behind our backs, not respecting us or taking us seriously, me always being the one to reach out or visit, etc.
Finally there was the metaphorical straw that broke the camel's back. They blatantly lied to me about something. When I pointed out that this bothered me, they went ballistic and left 3 voicemails just basically insulting me and my husband for 10-15min straight. I was 7 months pregnant at this time. I just told them that there's things in the voicemails they can't unsay and I am done with the two of them. We recently had a kid (which I'm sure has something to do with their behavior). They have started reaching out, more in the past 3 months than all of 2022 and 2023 combined. It's in very bizarre and surface-level ways. Texts, emails, voicemails, packages, they even managed to find our baby registry and send us a message there. All of the communication is very "hallmark card" and surface-level, nothing acknowledging their behavior or the past 3-4 years other than once they said "I hope we can find a way to put the past behind us". It got to be overwhelming as they were contacting us in some shape or form almost every week. I sent a text that said I would like them to address the lying and insulting voicemails. They ignored this text (they aren't very self-reflective or good at admitting when they're wrong) but sent my 1 month old son a valentine's day card with a note (you are so cute, we love you so much, etc) and socks. My husband think they are just doing all this to annoy me or "pull on my pigtails". I am torn between ignoring it (which is a lot easier said than done when they're contacting us in some form every 1-2 weeks) or if it continues much past 3-6 months to start documenting each instance of unwanted contact and eventually escalate to a lawyer or the cops (like if you had an ex that wouldn't leave you alone). |
Anonymous
| They are trying and you are making that difficult. Wow. |
Anonymous
| Why can't you block their phone number and email address? |
Anonymous
| Ignore, ignore, ignore anything that isn't an actual threat. They want you to engage. They want your time, attention, energy. Block their numbers on your phones, block them on social media. If they send you something in the mail, just toss it. Don't text them to stop sending it, just throw it away and go about your day. |
Anonymous
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OP I think you really have to decide if you want to sever the relationship or not.
If you do, just ignore/block/discard. The police are not going to help you with this because honestly you’re not being harmed in any way. They’re not threatening or harassing you. Your understanding of your own rights is way off. If you want to drag out the drama, sure, keep texting them about voicemails from years ago and pay a lawyer to tell you that you’re wrong. |
Anonymous
| How dramatic. But you like that, don't you? |
Anonymous
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Some people like to sweep things under the rug and pretend everything is fine. They don't want a real relationship. They want a surface level relationship because they are shallow people.
Up to you whether you continue to ignore/toss the messages or whether you can accept a surface level relationship. They will never be the parents you hoped for. You can't make them into something they are not. |
Anonymous
| Just ignore. Don’t even open this stuff. Ask your husband to get the mail first and throw anything away from them and not tell you about it. |
Anonymous
| The cops? Grow up, OP. |
Anonymous
This. As another adult child of parents like yours, 100% this. Be prepared for them to have badmouthed you to their friends and people that they see more often than you do and just learn to let it go. You can be angry at them for their behavior and say it once or twice but keep it over the phone as much as possible. Hang up if they try to draw you into their melodrama. If you don’t have siblings, prepare for it to be all dumped entirely on you. Role reversal is awful in these situations but keeping it to the phone and to time limits (seriously set a timer if you need to) will help you stay calm and as unaffected emotionally as possible. |
Anonymous
| Talk to a therapist about this. You have some guilt issues or it would not be a big deal. They are obviously trying to be as harmless as possible but feel like you are holding their grandson hostage from them. That’s your decision but one day you may feel regret about it. Talk to a therapist to get an objective point of view. If there’s no history of abuse there I would err on letting them see their grandkid without having to rehash the whole argument or somehow placate you. |
Anonymous
| OP, I think you need to ask yourself why you haven’t blocked them. You aren’t allowed to complain until you block them in every way you can. |
Anonymous
The straw that broke the camels back is not a metaphor. It is an idiom. |
Anonymous
| You're being unreasonable and your husband is not helping. Your kid deserves to know their grandparents, at least unless they act poorly in front of the child. Sometimes awful parents are great grandparents. I find it really sad that they are trying so hard and all you can do is play victim and talk about calling the cops, when apparently all they did was leave a rude voicemail. |
Anonymous
+1 |