Family wants DH to chip in to help SIL buy house that costs more than ours

[Anonymous]

No. 100% no. And this would be a deal-breaker for me if DH ever did this.

[Anonymous]

You're not wrong.

But sometimes it's not about being right.

.

Long-term how will this play out for you and your relationship if you push DH to say no.


In a similar situation we compromised on making the financial gift half of what bee planned for her birthday.


Good luck to you these family dynamics are complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL has always led an extravagant lifestyle (compared to us), living in expensive homes and wearing designer clothes, getting plastic surgery, vacationing for months at a time in Europe. Now she's divorced and retired and on a budget for the first time in her life (she made a lot of money, but didn't save much), and in search of a place to live. She turns up her nose at almost everything, and has her heart set on a 1.5 million dollar, 4,000 square foot home on 10 acres. She can afford about half that. She thinks she is entitled to live in such a house, and has tried to convince all her siblings to "invest" in her home to help her buy it. At least one of the siblings is considering it, and says he feels bad for her because she used to live so well and now has "nothing." He suggested he and DH help out.

DH and I live in a house that is currently valued at 850K (in Northern Virginia), and is badly in need of updates. Last year the same sibling convinced DH to chip in to cover a good amount in SIL's medical bills. I didn't oppose that. But I do oppose helping her to buy this house. I'm pretty sure DH will not do it, but I'm annoyed that he and the sibling keep saying how they feel so sorry for SIL. I do not feel sorry for her at all. This is DCUM, if anywhere there are people who can dredge up sympathy for someone who can't afford a 1.5 million dollar house, it's here. What say you? Worthy of sympathy or am I just cold-hearted?

Ridiculous and tell them so.

[Anonymous]

I’m curious; since she presented this as an “investment,” what kind of return is she offering?

No one is entitled to a 10 acre estate. This is ludicrous.

[Anonymous]

So you are supposed to bust your hump working so you can help your DH subsidize his sister? And if you have kids, that subsidy happens at their expense? NAW!!!

[Anonymous]

DH should ask his brother for money to buy OP a better house.

[Anonymous]

So if the family is middle eastern, then brothers/father are responsible for the well being of unmarried sister and her children, I think. I do not know how this applies if the sister's spouse is not dead but divorced her. OP, this is complicated. I had a colleague who was widowed suddenly many years ago, her middle eastern husband had most of the assets in his sister's name or she was the beneficiary. Luckily her kids were grown, so she didn't face decades of expenses, but it was a very harsh shock to find it out. My friend is a professional in a respectable career, but he took care of the bills and she never asked questions about assets, etc.

Sending you good vibes, but not sure what would help in practical terms. If you are from same culture you can and should ask your own family for guidance. If you are not - watch your back on any financials however you can. E.g. until you've seen his agreement with sister if it's an "investment" reserve the right to veto it. This of course assumes that you can veto stuff in your relationship or that the resources are joint. Be prepared to burn some social capital with his family if you refuse - you'll be the bad apple. In the end it all depends if your feelings are more important to your husband than family disapproval...

[Anonymous]

You can all feel sorry for her (she is unhappy about the divorce, the change in lifestyle) and ALSO refuse to buy her a larger property with more expensive upkeep & taxes.

She’s shooting her shot to see if you’ll go for it. She has every right to ask, & DH has every right to say no.

Once this is settled, she’ll move on to find another place, even if she’s not thrilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if the family is middle eastern, then brothers/father are responsible for the well being of unmarried sister and her children, I think. I do not know how this applies if the sister's spouse is not dead but divorced her. OP, this is complicated. I had a colleague who was widowed suddenly many years ago, her middle eastern husband had most of the assets in his sister's name or she was the beneficiary. Luckily her kids were grown, so she didn't face decades of expenses, but it was a very harsh shock to find it out. My friend is a professional in a respectable career, but he took care of the bills and she never asked questions about assets, etc.

Sending you good vibes, but not sure what would help in practical terms. If you are from same culture you can and should ask your own family for guidance. If you are not - watch your back on any financials however you can. E.g. until you've seen his agreement with sister if it's an "investment" reserve the right to veto it. This of course assumes that you can veto stuff in your relationship or that the resources are joint. Be prepared to burn some social capital with his family if you refuse - you'll be the bad apple. In the end it all depends if your feelings are more important to your husband than family disapproval...

Well-being doesn't mean she gets a nicer house than her brothers have for themselves FFS.

Watch your back, OP, and move fast to make your assets unavailable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope

I also don’t think you are a troll because my SIL did the same when my brother left her.

She wanted us to help her buy a house in Bethesda (from CC), it was a downsize.

Nope, get a job. People like need to plan for a man to no longer be the plan.

Yep. Lots of these downward trajectory folks in DC who want a divorce but can't keep up with the Jones's after divorce. My younger sister wanted my parents to buy out her ex's share of their Chevy Chase house (which I found out in the course of the divorce drama they had put a large down payment on in the first place). I got to listen to my sister cry through a dinner about how she might have to downsize into an older townhome. What would her friends think! The drama!

I'm OP, yes, that's pretty much what it sounds like, but with the added entitlement that somehow she deserves to live in a fancy house and shouldn't have to settle for less. Various reasons have been proposed for why she is entitled to this, from her advanced age (barely retirement age) to the fact that she worked hard for many years. And ironically, all this is usually said while we are sitting in our old not-good-enough-for-SIL-style home, and I am about the same age as SIL (but still working) and yet no one is suggesting I deserve an updated kitchen much less a whole new house.

And I would be clear about that. You say "yes, I wish I could live in a 1.5 million dollar house too!" "Yep, I sure wish I didn't have to work! It's good to dream!" "It would be so nice to update my kitchen, I fantasize about it too!"

Anonymous wrote:So if the family is middle eastern, then brothers/father are responsible for the well being of unmarried sister and her children, I think. I do not know how this applies if the sister's spouse is not dead but divorced her. OP, this is complicated. I had a colleague who was widowed suddenly many years ago, her middle eastern husband had most of the assets in his sister's name or she was the beneficiary. Luckily her kids were grown, so she didn't face decades of expenses, but it was a very harsh shock to find it out. My friend is a professional in a respectable career, but he took care of the bills and she never asked questions about assets, etc.

Sending you good vibes, but not sure what would help in practical terms. If you are from same culture you can and should ask your own family for guidance. If you are not - watch your back on any financials however you can. E.g. until you've seen his agreement with sister if it's an "investment" reserve the right to veto it. This of course assumes that you can veto stuff in your relationship or that the resources are joint. Be prepared to burn some social capital with his family if you refuse - you'll be the bad apple. In the end it all depends if your feelings are more important to your husband than family disapproval...

I see these types of arguments brought up here, but it seems convenient that the culture always works to the benefit of everyone but the American DW. If the father and brother are responsible for the sister, then surely, the husband is also responsible for the wife and kids in this culture, right? So how come the OP's husband has to support his sister to the tune of a nice house than he provides for his own wife? OP should say "Great, I'm happy to be a part of your culture. If you help SIL buy this house, I will quit my job and you can buy me the same size house."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if the family is middle eastern, then brothers/father are responsible for the well being of unmarried sister and her children, I think. I do not know how this applies if the sister's spouse is not dead but divorced her. OP, this is complicated. I had a colleague who was widowed suddenly many years ago, her middle eastern husband had most of the assets in his sister's name or she was the beneficiary. Luckily her kids were grown, so she didn't face decades of expenses, but it was a very harsh shock to find it out. My friend is a professional in a respectable career, but he took care of the bills and she never asked questions about assets, etc.

Sending you good vibes, but not sure what would help in practical terms. If you are from same culture you can and should ask your own family for guidance. If you are not - watch your back on any financials however you can. E.g. until you've seen his agreement with sister if it's an "investment" reserve the right to veto it. This of course assumes that you can veto stuff in your relationship or that the resources are joint. Be prepared to burn some social capital with his family if you refuse - you'll be the bad apple. In the end it all depends if your feelings are more important to your husband than family disapproval...

Well-being doesn't mean she gets a nicer house than her brothers have for themselves FFS.

Watch your back, OP, and move fast to make your assets unavailable.

I am the quoted PP. Yes, I agree with you. On here, we all agree that it's ridiculous. But that don't matter. What matters is how that specific family and cultural/social circle defines well being. I am not saying OP should be OK with it. I wouldn't be. But agreement of internet strangers will not help her. What will help her is to find some kind of tools or leverage on how to influence her DH's decision in a way that he would understand and can get behind.

The bolded part is written by someone who doesn't have assets and never moved them Sorry)) She can't. It's not a $150 from a joint account. This is not how it works. And even if she empties a joint bank account with a large sum, what do you think will happen next? She can't hide it anywhere where a forensic accountant won't find it, without resorting to some shady scheme. What do you think will that do to her marriage? Any potential division of joint property and agreements on children?

This is a long game that's played very softly and strategically. OP, time for you or your close relative to get a very complex and potentially deadly diagnosis that's very costly to treat. This gives DH a way out without losing face, since culturally he'd be responsible for that as well and his fam can't argue with it. I am being creative here, but hey, so it the sister wanting the mansion...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if the family is middle eastern, then brothers/father are responsible for the well being of unmarried sister and her children, I think. I do not know how this applies if the sister's spouse is not dead but divorced her. OP, this is complicated. I had a colleague who was widowed suddenly many years ago, her middle eastern husband had most of the assets in his sister's name or she was the beneficiary. Luckily her kids were grown, so she didn't face decades of expenses, but it was a very harsh shock to find it out. My friend is a professional in a respectable career, but he took care of the bills and she never asked questions about assets, etc.

Sending you good vibes, but not sure what would help in practical terms. If you are from same culture you can and should ask your own family for guidance. If you are not - watch your back on any financials however you can. E.g. until you've seen his agreement with sister if it's an "investment" reserve the right to veto it. This of course assumes that you can veto stuff in your relationship or that the resources are joint. Be prepared to burn some social capital with his family if you refuse - you'll be the bad apple. In the end it all depends if your feelings are more important to your husband than family disapproval...

Well-being doesn't mean she gets a nicer house than her brothers have for themselves FFS.

Watch your back, OP, and move fast to make your assets unavailable.

I am the quoted PP. Yes, I agree with you. On here, we all agree that it's ridiculous. But that don't matter. What matters is how that specific family and cultural/social circle defines well being. I am not saying OP should be OK with it. I wouldn't be. But agreement of internet strangers will not help her. What will help her is to find some kind of tools or leverage on how to influence her DH's decision in a way that he would understand and can get behind.

The bolded part is written by someone who doesn't have assets and never moved them Sorry)) She can't. It's not a $150 from a joint account. This is not how it works. And even if she empties a joint bank account with a large sum, what do you think will happen next? She can't hide it anywhere where a forensic accountant won't find it, without resorting to some shady scheme. What do you think will that do to her marriage? Any potential division of joint property and agreements on children?

This is a long game that's played very softly and strategically. OP, time for you or your close relative to get a very complex and potentially deadly diagnosis that's very costly to treat. This gives DH a way out without losing face, since culturally he'd be responsible for that as well and his fam can't argue with it. I am being creative here, but hey, so it the sister wanting the mansion...

No, I'm not saying to hide it. But OP needs to start right now thinking of how to make money unavailable to SIL but in ways that are socially acceptable and acceptable to her DH. Such as putting more in the kids' 529 plans and in retirement savings. Or spending it on her own home maintenance projects. This is exactly what I do to keep money unavailable to my DH's mooching, irresponsible siblings.

[Anonymous]

I suggest, as a house warming gift for her new one bedroom apartment located next to the Rockville metro station, the $49.99 fondue set (with the extra sterno) available this week at Costco.

[Anonymous]

I would have big issues if my dh jumped in to help.

No way in hell.

[Anonymous]

No freaking way. And I live in a nice house. But when I couldn’t afford it, I couldn’t afford it!