Family wants DH to chip in to help SIL buy house that costs more than ours

[Anonymous]

Remind your husband, to help solidify his refusal, that SIL will never learn to manage her money, and getting her used to living on less ASAP will mean reducing the frequency of pleas for money in the future. These 10 acres should a money pit. She will ask your husband to help with maintenance, and real estate taxes, etc. If she lives in a wealthy area, she will socialize with wealthy people and require a similar lifestyle. On the contrary, she needs to live in a middle class neighborhood, and realize she doesn't need designer anything to fit in and be happy. The BIL who wants to enable her is doing her a HUGE disfavor.

[Anonymous]

Under no circumstances. No F'ing way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL has always led an extravagant lifestyle (compared to us), living in expensive homes and wearing designer clothes, getting plastic surgery, vacationing for months at a time in Europe. Now she's divorced and retired and on a budget for the first time in her life (she made a lot of money, but didn't save much), and in search of a place to live. She turns up her nose at almost everything, and has her heart set on a 1.5 million dollar, 4,000 square foot home on 10 acres. She can afford about half that. She thinks she is entitled to live in such a house, and has tried to convince all her siblings to "invest" in her home to help her buy it. At least one of the siblings is considering it, and says he feels bad for her because she used to live so well and now has "nothing." He suggested he and DH help out.

DH and I live in a house that is currently valued at 850K (in Northern Virginia), and is badly in need of updates. Last year the same sibling convinced DH to chip in to cover a good amount in SIL's medical bills. I didn't oppose that. But I do oppose helping her to buy this house. I'm pretty sure DH will not do it, but I'm annoyed that he and the sibling keep saying how they feel so sorry for SIL. I do not feel sorry for her at all. This is DCUM, if anywhere there are people who can dredge up sympathy for someone who can't afford a 1.5 million dollar house, it's here. What say you? Worthy of sympathy or am I just cold-hearted?

Ha ha! I am guessing you are not Indian-American.

LOL, someone always brings up the poor Indians! No, we're not Indian. SIL was born in another country, in the Middle East, although DH and most of the other siblings were born here. I'm sure that plays a role in her attitude though.

Are you from the culture as your husband’s family?

No, I'm not. Not even close. But DH was born here and doesn't even speak their language, so he's only nominally from the culture.

[Anonymous]

She should have gotten a better settlement from her husband. This is not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could she have my sympathy? Sure - I feel bad that she was not taught to mange her money and has grown up into an irresponsible adult. But I would not even consider investing in a house. This is why she is bad with money - she gets bailed out. If she cannot afford the house, she is not going to be able to afford the taxes and up keep. You are doing her a favor by not helping her buy a house she cannot afford.

If her siblings really want to help her, they sh-had sit down with her and help her figure out a budget. And make sure she is saving for retirement!

This was what I said as well. Our own sad little middle class house is a bit of a money pit, so I don't see how she could keep up something like that. She'd have almost nothing to live on after buying it, much less enough to pay for any kind of major repairs. But when I brought it up, DH's brother got angry and said that it was her business and he wasn't going to treat her like a child and tell her what to do, and anyway, she has always loved beautiful things and she can't help it. Yes, I know, the irony.

[Anonymous]

No!
She will need something else after this anyway. Firm boundaries.
The other siblings can invest, it doesn't mean your husband has to.
Relationship will go south, but she's probably always been trouble and will be for the rest of her life.
Detach, remove enmeshment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could she have my sympathy? Sure - I feel bad that she was not taught to mange her money and has grown up into an irresponsible adult. But I would not even consider investing in a house. This is why she is bad with money - she gets bailed out. If she cannot afford the house, she is not going to be able to afford the taxes and up keep. You are doing her a favor by not helping her buy a house she cannot afford.

If her siblings really want to help her, they sh-had sit down with her and help her figure out a budget. And make sure she is saving for retirement!

This was what I said as well. Our own sad little middle class house is a bit of a money pit, so I don't see how she could keep up something like that. She'd have almost nothing to live on after buying it, much less enough to pay for any kind of major repairs. But when I brought it up, DH's brother got angry and said that it was her business and he wasn't going to treat her like a child and tell her what to do, and anyway, she has always loved beautiful things and she can't help it. Yes, I know, the irony.

Then you smile and respond smoothly that you admire his generosity and that you think his sister is so lucky to have a brother like him. What a wonderful person! Starry eyes! Hero worship! Regrettably you and DH are not in a position to help.

If the brother wants to be a moron, let him. He can bail out his sister until he dies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL has always led an extravagant lifestyle (compared to us), living in expensive homes and wearing designer clothes, getting plastic surgery, vacationing for months at a time in Europe. Now she's divorced and retired and on a budget for the first time in her life (she made a lot of money, but didn't save much), and in search of a place to live. She turns up her nose at almost everything, and has her heart set on a 1.5 million dollar, 4,000 square foot home on 10 acres. She can afford about half that. She thinks she is entitled to live in such a house, and has tried to convince all her siblings to "invest" in her home to help her buy it. At least one of the siblings is considering it, and says he feels bad for her because she used to live so well and now has "nothing." He suggested he and DH help out.

DH and I live in a house that is currently valued at 850K (in Northern Virginia), and is badly in need of updates. Last year the same sibling convinced DH to chip in to cover a good amount in SIL's medical bills. I didn't oppose that. But I do oppose helping her to buy this house. I'm pretty sure DH will not do it, but I'm annoyed that he and the sibling keep saying how they feel so sorry for SIL. I do not feel sorry for her at all. This is DCUM, if anywhere there are people who can dredge up sympathy for someone who can't afford a 1.5 million dollar house, it's here. What say you? Worthy of sympathy or am I just cold-hearted?

Ha ha! I am guessing you are not Indian-American.

LOL, someone always brings up the poor Indians! No, we're not Indian. SIL was born in another country, in the Middle East, although DH and most of the other siblings were born here. I'm sure that plays a role in her attitude though.

Are you from the culture as your husband’s family?

No, I'm not. Not even close. But DH was born here and doesn't even speak their language, so he's only nominally from the culture.

I obviously don’t know your family dynamic. But in my experience, even if they were born here and don’t speak the language, there is a culture and a sense of obligation that’s hard to shake.

My dad is similar to your DH and still takes care of his irresponsible three times divorced sister. It’s not even an option for him…he’s just doing what he thinks he supposed to do.

I’m hoping your husband makes a wiser choice!

[Anonymous]

How many siblings are there? Is this sister retirement age or is she choosing not to work?

Obviously not all the siblings are falling for this, I would see no cultural reason your DH should.

[Anonymous]

Hell no!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL has always led an extravagant lifestyle (compared to us), living in expensive homes and wearing designer clothes, getting plastic surgery, vacationing for months at a time in Europe. Now she's divorced and retired and on a budget for the first time in her life (she made a lot of money, but didn't save much), and in search of a place to live. She turns up her nose at almost everything, and has her heart set on a 1.5 million dollar, 4,000 square foot home on 10 acres. She can afford about half that. She thinks she is entitled to live in such a house, and has tried to convince all her siblings to "invest" in her home to help her buy it. At least one of the siblings is considering it, and says he feels bad for her because she used to live so well and now has "nothing." He suggested he and DH help out.

DH and I live in a house that is currently valued at 850K (in Northern Virginia), and is badly in need of updates. Last year the same sibling convinced DH to chip in to cover a good amount in SIL's medical bills. I didn't oppose that. But I do oppose helping her to buy this house. I'm pretty sure DH will not do it, but I'm annoyed that he and the sibling keep saying how they feel so sorry for SIL. I do not feel sorry for her at all. This is DCUM, if anywhere there are people who can dredge up sympathy for someone who can't afford a 1.5 million dollar house, it's here. What say you? Worthy of sympathy or am I just cold-hearted?

Ha ha! I am guessing you are not Indian-American.

LOL, someone always brings up the poor Indians! No, we're not Indian. SIL was born in another country, in the Middle East, although DH and most of the other siblings were born here. I'm sure that plays a role in her attitude though.

Are you from the culture as your husband’s family?

No, I'm not. Not even close. But DH was born here and doesn't even speak their language, so he's only nominally from the culture.

I obviously don’t know your family dynamic. But in my experience, even if they were born here and don’t speak the language, there is a culture and a sense of obligation that’s hard to shake.

My dad is similar to your DH and still takes care of his irresponsible three times divorced sister. It’s not even an option for him…he’s just doing what he thinks he supposed to do.

I’m hoping your husband makes a wiser choice!

I have a friend who also cares for her once divorced sister - provides a job, a house and support for her 3 kids (2 of whom don't have a Father - single by choice).

[Anonymous]

Didn't you hear "it's in her DNA."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could she have my sympathy? Sure - I feel bad that she was not taught to mange her money and has grown up into an irresponsible adult. But I would not even consider investing in a house. This is why she is bad with money - she gets bailed out. If she cannot afford the house, she is not going to be able to afford the taxes and up keep. You are doing her a favor by not helping her buy a house she cannot afford.

If her siblings really want to help her, they sh-had sit down with her and help her figure out a budget. And make sure she is saving for retirement!

This was what I said as well. Our own sad little middle class house is a bit of a money pit, so I don't see how she could keep up something like that. She'd have almost nothing to live on after buying it, much less enough to pay for any kind of major repairs. But when I brought it up, DH's brother got angry and said that it was her business and he wasn't going to treat her like a child and tell her what to do, and anyway, she has always loved beautiful things and she can't help it. Yes, I know, the irony.

You don't have a middle class house if it's worth $850K. Most middle class cannot afford that.

[Anonymous]

Ew no way. He should have laughed in his brothers face when that was suggested.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. This also sounds like the beginning of a money pit that will constantly require more donations for upkeep. Flat out say you’re not in a position to help and leave it at that.