Family wants DH to chip in to help SIL buy house that costs more than ours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. This also sounds like the beginning of a money pit that will constantly require more donations for upkeep. Flat out say you’re not in a position to help and leave it at that.

He may be too prideful to say that especially if a middle Eastern mam

[Anonymous]

Absolutely no, and yes this is about his pride at least partly.

Start tying up your money in retirement funds and 529s. Get some home maintenance done. Liquidity is a disadvantage here. You want to make your money unavailable to him and his relatives.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. The advertisement that appears on the page this morning, right below my first post, is a photo of a house with the words

SECTION 8 HOUSING WAITING LIST OPEN NOW

I feel a higher power has weighed in.

[Anonymous]

You are not cold-hearted, you are sane. If it were me, I wouldn't be "pretty sure" my husband wouldn't do it - I would be completely clear that it's not happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. The advertisement that appears on the page this morning, right below my first post, is a photo of a house with the words

SECTION 8 HOUSING WAITING LIST OPEN NOW

I feel a higher power has weighed in.

😂😂😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL has always led an extravagant lifestyle (compared to us), living in expensive homes and wearing designer clothes, getting plastic surgery, vacationing for months at a time in Europe. Now she's divorced and retired and on a budget for the first time in her life (she made a lot of money, but didn't save much), and in search of a place to live. She turns up her nose at almost everything, and has her heart set on a 1.5 million dollar, 4,000 square foot home on 10 acres. She can afford about half that. She thinks she is entitled to live in such a house, and has tried to convince all her siblings to "invest" in her home to help her buy it. At least one of the siblings is considering it, and says he feels bad for her because she used to live so well and now has "nothing." He suggested he and DH help out.

DH and I live in a house that is currently valued at 850K (in Northern Virginia), and is badly in need of updates. Last year the same sibling convinced DH to chip in to cover a good amount in SIL's medical bills. I didn't oppose that. But I do oppose helping her to buy this house. I'm pretty sure DH will not do it, but I'm annoyed that he and the sibling keep saying how they feel so sorry for SIL. I do not feel sorry for her at all. This is DCUM, if anywhere there are people who can dredge up sympathy for someone who can't afford a 1.5 million dollar house, it's here. What say you? Worthy of sympathy or am I just cold-hearted?

Ha ha! I am guessing you are not Indian-American.

LOL, someone always brings up the poor Indians! No, we're not Indian. SIL was born in another country, in the Middle East, although DH and most of the other siblings were born here. I'm sure that plays a role in her attitude though.

Are you from the culture as your husband’s family?

No, I'm not. Not even close. But DH was born here and doesn't even speak their language, so he's only nominally from the culture.

I obviously don’t know your family dynamic. But in my experience, even if they were born here and don’t speak the language, there is a culture and a sense of obligation that’s hard to shake.

My dad is similar to your DH and still takes care of his irresponsible three times divorced sister. It’s not even an option for him…he’s just doing what he thinks he supposed to do.

I’m hoping your husband makes a wiser choice!

Yes, culture/obligation/expectation still seeps in when you are the child of immigrants.

But you are totally in the right here.

[Anonymous]

Nope

I also don’t think you are a troll because my SIL did the same when my brother left her.

She wanted us to help her buy a house in Bethesda (from CC), it was a downsize.

Nope, get a job. People like need to plan for a man to no longer be the plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope

I also don’t think you are a troll because my SIL did the same when my brother left her.

She wanted us to help her buy a house in Bethesda (from CC), it was a downsize.

Nope, get a job. People like need to plan for a man to no longer be the plan.

Yep. Lots of these downward trajectory folks in DC who want a divorce but can't keep up with the Jones's after divorce. My younger sister wanted my parents to buy out her ex's share of their Chevy Chase house (which I found out in the course of the divorce drama they had put a large down payment on in the first place). I got to listen to my sister cry through a dinner about how she might have to downsize into an older townhome. What would her friends think! The drama!

[Anonymous]

OP, what culture is your DH from? Are you yourself American or from the same culture?

From a practical standpoint, this is a clear and hard no, not even a question.

But since it's a thing in DH's family, there are obviously other considerations, not just practical or logical.

This board is very multicultural, so if you at least indicate the general region (Middle East, SE Asia, etc.) - ppl may come up with culturally relevant views. But since you've omitted that detail, perhaps you don't want to consider that aspect and want to stick to the aspects of common sense financial practicality. That's fine too - I think consensus is a hard no, so there is that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what culture is your DH from? Are you yourself American or from the same culture?

From a practical standpoint, this is a clear and hard no, not even a question.

But since it's a thing in DH's family, there are obviously other considerations, not just practical or logical.

This board is very multicultural, so if you at least indicate the general region (Middle East, SE Asia, etc.) - ppl may come up with culturally relevant views. But since you've omitted that detail, perhaps you don't want to consider that aspect and want to stick to the aspects of common sense financial practicality. That's fine too - I think consensus is a hard no, so there is that.

It's Middle East. Based on the board's response to anything I post about the constant IL drama in my life, I get the feeling it's very similar to SE Asian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope

I also don’t think you are a troll because my SIL did the same when my brother left her.

She wanted us to help her buy a house in Bethesda (from CC), it was a downsize.

Nope, get a job. People like need to plan for a man to no longer be the plan.

Yep. Lots of these downward trajectory folks in DC who want a divorce but can't keep up with the Jones's after divorce. My younger sister wanted my parents to buy out her ex's share of their Chevy Chase house (which I found out in the course of the divorce drama they had put a large down payment on in the first place). I got to listen to my sister cry through a dinner about how she might have to downsize into an older townhome. What would her friends think! The drama!

I'm OP, yes, that's pretty much what it sounds like, but with the added entitlement that somehow she deserves to live in a fancy house and shouldn't have to settle for less. Various reasons have been proposed for why she is entitled to this, from her advanced age (barely retirement age) to the fact that she worked hard for many years. And ironically, all this is usually said while we are sitting in our old not-good-enough-for-SIL-style home, and I am about the same age as SIL (but still working) and yet no one is suggesting I deserve an updated kitchen much less a whole new house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remind your husband, to help solidify his refusal, that SIL will never learn to manage her money, and getting her used to living on less ASAP will mean reducing the frequency of pleas for money in the future. These 10 acres should a money pit. She will ask your husband to help with maintenance, and real estate taxes, etc. If she lives in a wealthy area, she will socialize with wealthy people and require a similar lifestyle. On the contrary, she needs to live in a middle class neighborhood, and realize she doesn't need designer anything to fit in and be happy. The BIL who wants to enable her is doing her a HUGE disfavor.

+1. I know people like your SIL, OP - and your SIL will never be happy, it will never be enough. SIL is likely surrounded by materialistic people, so SIL is also materialistic and shallow. SIL will live to impress these people, who could likely not care less about her. Just no. No is a full answer. Just no.

Oh, and no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope

I also don’t think you are a troll because my SIL did the same when my brother left her.

She wanted us to help her buy a house in Bethesda (from CC), it was a downsize.

Nope, get a job. People like need to plan for a man to no longer be the plan.

Yep. Lots of these downward trajectory folks in DC who want a divorce but can't keep up with the Jones's after divorce. My younger sister wanted my parents to buy out her ex's share of their Chevy Chase house (which I found out in the course of the divorce drama they had put a large down payment on in the first place). I got to listen to my sister cry through a dinner about how she might have to downsize into an older townhome. What would her friends think! The drama!

I'm OP, yes, that's pretty much what it sounds like, but with the added entitlement that somehow she deserves to live in a fancy house and shouldn't have to settle for less. Various reasons have been proposed for why she is entitled to this, from her advanced age (barely retirement age) to the fact that she worked hard for many years. And ironically, all this is usually said while we are sitting in our old not-good-enough-for-SIL-style home, and I am about the same age as SIL (but still working) and yet no one is suggesting I deserve an updated kitchen much less a whole new house.

+1. It is ALL about poor her, OP. Do not enable this destructive behavior. Who is going to help you?

[Anonymous]

We had somewhat analogous situation, family wanted other family to pay for property that they wanted with no thought to the fact that it would need ongoing maintenance, taxes, insurance etc. Luckily my DH noped out of there pretty quickly.

So why am I even posting? Hopefully your DH will say no as well, just be prepared for the family drama, shaming and cutting off of contact that will happen. It's probably for the best, but prepare yourself and your DH.

Also - like a PP said, make sure your retirements, kids 529 and any house upgrades you need are in process - tie up that cash!

[Anonymous]

How tragic! Isn’t this why Go Fund Me was invented? I assume poor helpless SIL can’t manage to type (no manual labor!) so someone will have to step up and get this thing funded.

I’d be wary of the brother who is trying to force this on the others. What is his motivation? Is he too scared to say no to SIL and wants your husband to be the bad guy?

Do they have some deal unknown to the others? My BIL fought tooth and nail to get the other siblings to pay for their sisters kids private school. Why was he so invested, they weren’t his kids? Well the sister fought tooth and nail to get the garage apartment at the family home subdivided (so that brother could keep living rent free) and gifted to him. Tit for tat - we’ll make everyone gift me real estate and fund your kids.