Family wants DH to chip in to help SIL buy house that costs more than ours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No freaking way. And I live in a nice house. But when I couldn’t afford it, I couldn’t afford it!

And I can’t figure out why you agreed to pay any of her medical bills either.

[Anonymous]

No, no, no. It’s help “investing” today, help with maintenance tomorrow. A never ending cycle of enablement.

[Anonymous]

This isn't a family example, but I'm a family law attorney and still distinctly remember the SAHM client getting divorced who insisted she needed a particular brand new car and had her dad co-sign. It was the exact same car I had decided was too expensive for myself and bought something cheaper. Some people just truly believe they deserve the best, regardless of whether they can afford it.

[Anonymous]

100% no. You need to be direct with your DH, if needed minimize time with the sibling who pressures him into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:B—-h can live in a one-bedroom condo.

This. A single person does not need a large home. She made her money and spent it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No freaking way. And I live in a nice house. But when I couldn’t afford it, I couldn’t afford it!

And I can’t figure out why you agreed to pay any of her medical bills either.

No one really asked me, but even they had, I'd only have looked like bad guy if I said no,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if the family is middle eastern, then brothers/father are responsible for the well being of unmarried sister and her children, I think. I do not know how this applies if the sister's spouse is not dead but divorced her. OP, this is complicated. I had a colleague who was widowed suddenly many years ago, her middle eastern husband had most of the assets in his sister's name or she was the beneficiary. Luckily her kids were grown, so she didn't face decades of expenses, but it was a very harsh shock to find it out. My friend is a professional in a respectable career, but he took care of the bills and she never asked questions about assets, etc.

Sending you good vibes, but not sure what would help in practical terms. If you are from same culture you can and should ask your own family for guidance. If you are not - watch your back on any financials however you can. E.g. until you've seen his agreement with sister if it's an "investment" reserve the right to veto it. This of course assumes that you can veto stuff in your relationship or that the resources are joint. Be prepared to burn some social capital with his family if you refuse - you'll be the bad apple. In the end it all depends if your feelings are more important to your husband than family disapproval...

Well-being doesn't mean she gets a nicer house than her brothers have for themselves FFS.

Watch your back, OP, and move fast to make your assets unavailable.

I am the quoted PP. Yes, I agree with you. On here, we all agree that it's ridiculous. But that don't matter. What matters is how that specific family and cultural/social circle defines well being. I am not saying OP should be OK with it. I wouldn't be. But agreement of internet strangers will not help her. What will help her is to find some kind of tools or leverage on how to influence her DH's decision in a way that he would understand and can get behind.

The bolded part is written by someone who doesn't have assets and never moved them Sorry)) She can't. It's not a $150 from a joint account. This is not how it works. And even if she empties a joint bank account with a large sum, what do you think will happen next? She can't hide it anywhere where a forensic accountant won't find it, without resorting to some shady scheme. What do you think will that do to her marriage? Any potential division of joint property and agreements on children?

This is a long game that's played very softly and strategically. OP, time for you or your close relative to get a very complex and potentially deadly diagnosis that's very costly to treat. This gives DH a way out without losing face, since culturally he'd be responsible for that as well and his fam can't argue with it. I am being creative here, but hey, so it the sister wanting the mansion...

Or OP and her DH could - hear me out - just say no. I mean, that seems like a more reasonable response to a request to subsidize a lavish purchase by SIL that she doesn't need for her "well being" (and no, PP, there is an objective definition to someone's well-being, and a $1.5 million property ain't it) than fabricating a deadly illness. Do you realize how insane that sounds?

And don't come at me with "cultural differences." Anytime you hear that you can be sure it translates to "don't show any backbone at all and acquiesce to all sorts of unreasonable demands by mooching family members.

SIL isn't going to be impoverished, she has more than enough assets to live, and it is the height of hubris to ask others to subsidize her so she can live in better circumstances than they do. TELL HER THAT. And anyone else who asks more than once, including the brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if the family is middle eastern, then brothers/father are responsible for the well being of unmarried sister and her children, I think. I do not know how this applies if the sister's spouse is not dead but divorced her. OP, this is complicated. I had a colleague who was widowed suddenly many years ago, her middle eastern husband had most of the assets in his sister's name or she was the beneficiary. Luckily her kids were grown, so she didn't face decades of expenses, but it was a very harsh shock to find it out. My friend is a professional in a respectable career, but he took care of the bills and she never asked questions about assets, etc.

Sending you good vibes, but not sure what would help in practical terms. If you are from same culture you can and should ask your own family for guidance. If you are not - watch your back on any financials however you can. E.g. until you've seen his agreement with sister if it's an "investment" reserve the right to veto it. This of course assumes that you can veto stuff in your relationship or that the resources are joint. Be prepared to burn some social capital with his family if you refuse - you'll be the bad apple. In the end it all depends if your feelings are more important to your husband than family disapproval...

Well-being doesn't mean she gets a nicer house than her brothers have for themselves FFS.

Watch your back, OP, and move fast to make your assets unavailable.

I am the quoted PP. Yes, I agree with you. On here, we all agree that it's ridiculous. But that don't matter. What matters is how that specific family and cultural/social circle defines well being. I am not saying OP should be OK with it. I wouldn't be. But agreement of internet strangers will not help her. What will help her is to find some kind of tools or leverage on how to influence her DH's decision in a way that he would understand and can get behind.

The bolded part is written by someone who doesn't have assets and never moved them Sorry)) She can't. It's not a $150 from a joint account. This is not how it works. And even if she empties a joint bank account with a large sum, what do you think will happen next? She can't hide it anywhere where a forensic accountant won't find it, without resorting to some shady scheme. What do you think will that do to her marriage? Any potential division of joint property and agreements on children?

This is a long game that's played very softly and strategically. OP, time for you or your close relative to get a very complex and potentially deadly diagnosis that's very costly to treat. This gives DH a way out without losing face, since culturally he'd be responsible for that as well and his fam can't argue with it. I am being creative here, but hey, so it the sister wanting the mansion...

Or OP and her DH could - hear me out - just say no. I mean, that seems like a more reasonable response to a request to subsidize a lavish purchase by SIL that she doesn't need for her "well being" (and no, PP, there is an objective definition to someone's well-being, and a $1.5 million property ain't it) than fabricating a deadly illness. Do you realize how insane that sounds?

And don't come at me with "cultural differences." Anytime you hear that you can be sure it translates to "don't show any backbone at all and acquiesce to all sorts of unreasonable demands by mooching family members.

SIL isn't going to be impoverished, she has more than enough assets to live, and it is the height of hubris to ask others to subsidize her so she can live in better circumstances than they do. TELL HER THAT. And anyone else who asks more than once, including the brother.

Nobody is coming at you with cultural differences. But your disapproval doesn't stop them from existing. OP married into what you are calling insanity. Actually, she may have been born into it too...

[Anonymous]

There is no culture in the world where brothers being responsible for their sister means that they have to provide her with a life of luxury. It means they need to make sure that her basic needs are met - food, a place to sleep, that sort of thing.

OP, tell your DH that you are not okay with him spending money you don’t have, so his sister can live a lifestyle she cannot afford.

[Anonymous]

No. And asking is absurd. The asking won’t stop either, a 4000 square foot home is expensive to keep and maintain, heat, cooling, new roof, etc. and 10 acres whose going to do the yard work, shovel the driveway. No. Does she have children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no culture in the world where brothers being responsible for their sister means that they have to provide her with a life of luxury. It means they need to make sure that her basic needs are met - food, a place to sleep, that sort of thing.

OP, tell your DH that you are not okay with him spending money you don’t have, so his sister can live a lifestyle she cannot afford.

You realize it also depends on their socioeconomic status, right? The sister wouldn't have asked if this wasn't possible at all - in fact, the other brother kinda agreed. So there is that. It doesn't mean it's right. OP doesn't have to like it or agree to sign up for it. But this stuff exists. What you said above is a very primitive generalization. Think about it - if Ivanka were to divorce and not have enough money, and if her brothers agreed to chip in to help out, do you think they'd get her a studio apartment and a loaf of bread?

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all the replies but my response would be that we don't have the money and I'd list off a bunch of things that are expensive for us and we have no money and a lot of debt (even if this isn't true) but that they can help us pay down our credit cards if they're giving out money.

That shuts those conversations down quickly and they'll never happen again lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no culture in the world where brothers being responsible for their sister means that they have to provide her with a life of luxury. It means they need to make sure that her basic needs are met - food, a place to sleep, that sort of thing.

OP, tell your DH that you are not okay with him spending money you don’t have, so his sister can live a lifestyle she cannot afford.

You realize it also depends on their socioeconomic status, right? The sister wouldn't have asked if this wasn't possible at all - in fact, the other brother kinda agreed. So there is that. It doesn't mean it's right. OP doesn't have to like it or agree to sign up for it. But this stuff exists. What you said above is a very primitive generalization. Think about it - if Ivanka were to divorce and not have enough money, and if her brothers agreed to chip in to help out, do you think they'd get her a studio apartment and a loaf of bread?

Please go back and reread about OP's financial situation, you flippin' moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No freaking way. And I live in a nice house. But when I couldn’t afford it, I couldn’t afford it!

And I can’t figure out why you agreed to pay any of her medical bills either.

No one really asked me, but even they had, I'd only have looked like bad guy if I said no,

This -bingo- is your problem. The bad guy is the person making the unreasonable request. The bad guy is the one not listening when your husband says no and pressuring him into it. The person saying no is not the bad guy. Repeat this to yourself.

Users and takers exist in all types of cultures. They do not care if their request is outlandish or rude or ridiculous. They don’t care if they are rude in pushing for what they want. They are playing on your weakness of being perceived as the bad guy. It’s a trick that you and your husband need to not fall for when it’s presented.