Do you lord money and control over your adult offspring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a simple way to deal with this: stop asking your parents for money. You are an adult. Support yourself. Pay your own bills. If you can't afford your lifestyle, change your lifestyle. Don't wait for an inheritance. Have no financial dealings with your parents at all. You will much, much happier.

That’s not how it works with financial abuse. It is rarely the adult child asking for money. The parent pretends to be generous, but does not disclose countless hidden strings. So they insist on fully funding grad school. Then you need to study during a holiday weekend rather than come home and you are the devil and the threats start. That is one of many examples.

OP here- this exactly.

The controlling parent has lied to anyone who will listen for decades that he supports us financially and then throws a hissy fit when he hears through the grapevine that I have hired a professional rather than requesting his help (internet stalking my Google reviews).

I’d love to shut this off but simply keeping my distance isn’t enough.

How many times are you people fooled by the "hidden strings" that go along with every handout? I mean.... fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice......

[Anonymous]

It takes maturity and confidence to say no to hidden strings. My parents were obsessed with using money as control. Money was everything to them. They were the nastiest, greediest, selfish, materialistic people I have ever encountered. It took me until my early twenties to break away from it and turn down things without exception.

When I was in undergraduate school I had weird roommates freshman year. My parents pounced when I said second semester I was going to live an apartment with a different room mate for less than what the schools housing cost. They insisted on buying a small one bedroom condo. I fell for it, they bought the condo even though I didn’t like it from a friend who was selling it. The mortgage and condo fee and weekly grocery was less than the student housing and meal plan. What I didn’t realize was that my dad kept refinancing as equity grew and interest rates went down. He made a good deal of money out of the condo he bought me.

When I graduated I wanted to sell it. They offered me a house if I moved back to their city. I said no. They offered full pay for graduate school, a house and a car plus a weekly spending amount. I said no. At 22, this is all hard to say no to when you are just starting out but I was confident I would make it. They were so angry at first and then seemed to accept it but would constantly test for any openings. I found a really good job and did grad school at night which I could afford.

My sibling wasn’t as strong, went for the house, vacations, car, full pay grad school but had to live constantly under their control. Hated it but married a weird guy that worked for my father so they were both under him. She always seemed miserable. My mother would taunt us that she would out live my father and she’d control the money so you had better insert whatever she wanted. I finally broke contact with her after he died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It takes maturity and confidence to say no to hidden strings. My parents were obsessed with using money as control. Money was everything to them. They were the nastiest, greediest, selfish, materialistic people I have ever encountered. It took me until my early twenties to break away from it and turn down things without exception.

When I was in undergraduate school I had weird roommates freshman year. My parents pounced when I said second semester I was going to live an apartment with a different room mate for less than what the schools housing cost. They insisted on buying a small one bedroom condo. I fell for it, they bought the condo even though I didn’t like it from a friend who was selling it. The mortgage and condo fee and weekly grocery was less than the student housing and meal plan. What I didn’t realize was that my dad kept refinancing as equity grew and interest rates went down. He made a good deal of money out of the condo he bought me.

When I graduated I wanted to sell it. They offered me a house if I moved back to their city. I said no. They offered full pay for graduate school, a house and a car plus a weekly spending amount. I said no. At 22, this is all hard to say no to when you are just starting out but I was confident I would make it. They were so angry at first and then seemed to accept it but would constantly test for any openings. I found a really good job and did grad school at night which I could afford.

My sibling wasn’t as strong, went for the house, vacations, car, full pay grad school but had to live constantly under their control. Hated it but married a weird guy that worked for my father so they were both under him. She always seemed miserable. My mother would taunt us that she would out live my father and she’d control the money so you had better insert whatever she wanted. I finally broke contact with her after he died.

I'm not following your story at all. Why did you think the condo was yours? They bought a condo for you to live in, it's theirs. It was a wise investment decision for them to buy something instead of just throwing money away on a dorm or an apartment. But why did you think it was yours to sell and do what you want with the proceeds?

[Anonymous]

I just said if they joined the military I wouldn't support them in any way, because I don't believe in the US military. Other than that, no.

[Anonymous]

I had a really controlling mother who was also prone to terrible decision making. It's one thing to be controlled by a generally competent adult whose decisions will lead to good outcomes. It's a completely different thing to be controlled by someone who has below average "adulting" skills. She was flat broke, but even so she kind of bluffed that she had some kind of ability to support me after high school. In reality, she was barely able to keep me in food and clothes in a consistent manner. When I graduated high school, I joined the military to ensure my independence. I knew I'd be able to pay for my own college, I'd have the VA loan so I would be able to get a mortgage, etc. On the day I was to leave, she told me she wouldn't drive me to the processing station-- I think it was a last ditch attempt to control me. So I picked up the phone and called my recruiter and arranged for him to pick me up.

I did things the tough way, yes-- joining the military is hard and requires you trade a lot of your current independence for full emancipation at the end. But it made it so that I have never, ever had to ask any family member for a single dime, not a single favor. There is nothing as freeing as knowing that you are completely self sufficient and can pay your own college, etc, so no one else gets a say. My mom does continue to try to use emotional coercion to influence me to do what she wants, but it just hits different when they have absolutely no leverage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a simple way to deal with this: stop asking your parents for money. You are an adult. Support yourself. Pay your own bills. If you can't afford your lifestyle, change your lifestyle. Don't wait for an inheritance. Have no financial dealings with your parents at all. You will much, much happier.

That’s not how it works with financial abuse. It is rarely the adult child asking for money. The parent pretends to be generous, but does not disclose countless hidden strings. So they insist on fully funding grad school. Then you need to study during a holiday weekend rather than come home and you are the devil and the threats start. That is one of many examples.

OP here- this exactly.

The controlling parent has lied to anyone who will listen for decades that he supports us financially and then throws a hissy fit when he hears through the grapevine that I have hired a professional rather than requesting his help (internet stalking my Google reviews).

I’d love to shut this off but simply keeping my distance isn’t enough.

How many times are you people fooled by the "hidden strings" that go along with every handout? I mean.... fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice......

That's not how it works. There are hidden strings with every gift, but if you refuse the gift you are mean spirited, ungrateful and have no manners and there will be drama. These are not normal, healthy people. The people who do this are desperate for control and get a high from conflict and dramatics. There are many genres of these people.

For example, if you are morbidly obese and diabetic on a special life saving diet? That family member will give you decadent sweets and/or send you clothing 10 sizes too small. Did you tell them baby toys that make noise give you a migraine? They will send you a huge box full of noisy baby toys and expect a long thank you note and clips of your baby playing with the toys. Does wool make you itch and break out in a rash? Merry Christmas-I found 4 extra itchy sweaters made of wool just for you! Then if you aren't gracious....drama ensues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a simple way to deal with this: stop asking your parents for money. You are an adult. Support yourself. Pay your own bills. If you can't afford your lifestyle, change your lifestyle. Don't wait for an inheritance. Have no financial dealings with your parents at all. You will much, much happier.

That’s not how it works with financial abuse. It is rarely the adult child asking for money. The parent pretends to be generous, but does not disclose countless hidden strings. So they insist on fully funding grad school. Then you need to study during a holiday weekend rather than come home and you are the devil and the threats start. That is one of many examples.

OP here- this exactly.

The controlling parent has lied to anyone who will listen for decades that he supports us financially and then throws a hissy fit when he hears through the grapevine that I have hired a professional rather than requesting his help (internet stalking my Google reviews).

I’d love to shut this off but simply keeping my distance isn’t enough.

How many times are you people fooled by the "hidden strings" that go along with every handout? I mean.... fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice......

That's not how it works. There are hidden strings with every gift, but if you refuse the gift you are mean spirited, ungrateful and have no manners and there will be drama. These are not normal, healthy people. The people who do this are desperate for control and get a high from conflict and dramatics. There are many genres of these people.

For example, if you are morbidly obese and diabetic on a special life saving diet? That family member will give you decadent sweets and/or send you clothing 10 sizes too small. Did you tell them baby toys that make noise give you a migraine? They will send you a huge box full of noisy baby toys and expect a long thank you note and clips of your baby playing with the toys. Does wool make you itch and break out in a rash? Merry Christmas-I found 4 extra itchy sweaters made of wool just for you! Then if you aren't gracious....drama ensues.

+1

Show up at the party and you will be criticized for anything they can think of. Don’t show up and you are ungrateful. And it gets passed onto your minor children too.

[Anonymous]

NP. I don't get the whole "gifts with strings" thing. In most European countries it is the norm that elderly parents transfer a considerable part of their assets to their adult children during their lifetime. It is expected, a normal process, not laden with expectations or a way to control.

My parents, poor by American standards, would give me the shirts off their backs, no strings attached. They have, in fact, given me disproportionate amounts of money to help with my down payment. They never mentioned it afterwards. Of course, I am extremely grateful for their kindness and generosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just said if they joined the military I wouldn't support them in any way, because I don't believe in the US military. Other than that, no.

So, if we got rid of the military, then what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a simple way to deal with this: stop asking your parents for money. You are an adult. Support yourself. Pay your own bills. If you can't afford your lifestyle, change your lifestyle. Don't wait for an inheritance. Have no financial dealings with your parents at all. You will much, much happier.

That’s not how it works with financial abuse. It is rarely the adult child asking for money. The parent pretends to be generous, but does not disclose countless hidden strings. So they insist on fully funding grad school. Then you need to study during a holiday weekend rather than come home and you are the devil and the threats start. That is one of many examples.

OP here- this exactly.

The controlling parent has lied to anyone who will listen for decades that he supports us financially and then throws a hissy fit when he hears through the grapevine that I have hired a professional rather than requesting his help (internet stalking my Google reviews).

I’d love to shut this off but simply keeping my distance isn’t enough.

How many times are you people fooled by the "hidden strings" that go along with every handout? I mean.... fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice......

That's not how it works. There are hidden strings with every gift, but if you refuse the gift you are mean spirited, ungrateful and have no manners and there will be drama. These are not normal, healthy people. The people who do this are desperate for control and get a high from conflict and dramatics. There are many genres of these people.

For example, if you are morbidly obese and diabetic on a special life saving diet? That family member will give you decadent sweets and/or send you clothing 10 sizes too small. Did you tell them baby toys that make noise give you a migraine? They will send you a huge box full of noisy baby toys and expect a long thank you note and clips of your baby playing with the toys. Does wool make you itch and break out in a rash? Merry Christmas-I found 4 extra itchy sweaters made of wool just for you! Then if you aren't gracious....drama ensues.

+1

Show up at the party and you will be criticized for anything they can think of. Don’t show up and you are ungrateful. And it gets passed onto your minor children too.

The best thing I did was to walk away from money (not like they were that generous anyway) and not even let them buy me or my family a bottle of water. They got very angry and nasty when they lost the control but it was freeing. Now they tell me how generous they were paying for college when they applied and forced me to go and my grandparents paid the bulk of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a simple way to deal with this: stop asking your parents for money. You are an adult. Support yourself. Pay your own bills. If you can't afford your lifestyle, change your lifestyle. Don't wait for an inheritance. Have no financial dealings with your parents at all. You will much, much happier.

That’s not how it works with financial abuse. It is rarely the adult child asking for money. The parent pretends to be generous, but does not disclose countless hidden strings. So they insist on fully funding grad school. Then you need to study during a holiday weekend rather than come home and you are the devil and the threats start. That is one of many examples.

OP here- this exactly.

The controlling parent has lied to anyone who will listen for decades that he supports us financially and then throws a hissy fit when he hears through the grapevine that I have hired a professional rather than requesting his help (internet stalking my Google reviews).

I’d love to shut this off but simply keeping my distance isn’t enough.

How many times are you people fooled by the "hidden strings" that go along with every handout? I mean.... fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice......

That's not how it works. There are hidden strings with every gift, but if you refuse the gift you are mean spirited, ungrateful and have no manners and there will be drama. These are not normal, healthy people. The people who do this are desperate for control and get a high from conflict and dramatics. There are many genres of these people.

For example, if you are morbidly obese and diabetic on a special life saving diet? That family member will give you decadent sweets and/or send you clothing 10 sizes too small. Did you tell them baby toys that make noise give you a migraine? They will send you a huge box full of noisy baby toys and expect a long thank you note and clips of your baby playing with the toys. Does wool make you itch and break out in a rash? Merry Christmas-I found 4 extra itchy sweaters made of wool just for you! Then if you aren't gracious....drama ensues.

Learn to fake it. Then dump the stuff in the trash. Your coping skills are nonexistent. How do you people get by day to day figuring nothing out? Why are you like this? You feed into this drama and do your part and can’t see it, apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It takes maturity and confidence to say no to hidden strings. My parents were obsessed with using money as control. Money was everything to them. They were the nastiest, greediest, selfish, materialistic people I have ever encountered. It took me until my early twenties to break away from it and turn down things without exception.

When I was in undergraduate school I had weird roommates freshman year. My parents pounced when I said second semester I was going to live an apartment with a different room mate for less than what the schools housing cost. They insisted on buying a small one bedroom condo. I fell for it, they bought the condo even though I didn’t like it from a friend who was selling it. The mortgage and condo fee and weekly grocery was less than the student housing and meal plan. What I didn’t realize was that my dad kept refinancing as equity grew and interest rates went down. He made a good deal of money out of the condo he bought me.

When I graduated I wanted to sell it. They offered me a house if I moved back to their city. I said no. They offered full pay for graduate school, a house and a car plus a weekly spending amount. I said no. At 22, this is all hard to say no to when you are just starting out but I was confident I would make it. They were so angry at first and then seemed to accept it but would constantly test for any openings. I found a really good job and did grad school at night which I could afford.

My sibling wasn’t as strong, went for the house, vacations, car, full pay grad school but had to live constantly under their control. Hated it but married a weird guy that worked for my father so they were both under him. She always seemed miserable. My mother would taunt us that she would out live my father and she’d control the money so you had better insert whatever she wanted. I finally broke contact with her after he died.

I thought I was the only one with parents like this. When I was 22 graduating from college, they offered a house, cars, and money if I moved close to them. When I didn’t, and I went off on my own, they complained about my tiny shared apartment. My mom cried, and my dad yelled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just said if they joined the military I wouldn't support them in any way, because I don't believe in the US military. Other than that, no.

So, if we got rid of the military, then what?

Then we’d be among the other countries that don’t have a military.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just said if they joined the military I wouldn't support them in any way, because I don't believe in the US military. Other than that, no.

So, if we got rid of the military, then what?

PP would defend us if attacked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just said if they joined the military I wouldn't support them in any way, because I don't believe in the US military. Other than that, no.

So, if we got rid of the military, then what?

Then we’d be among the other countries that don’t have a military.

Have you ever lived in one of these countries? Because I think you should before considering to do away with the military.