Do you lord money and control over your adult offspring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can only do that if your adult kid needs or wants your money.

+1. My parents keep offering money and we keep turning it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We give money under defined conditions.

We payed for DD to spend the summer in Europe when she was 18. The conditions were she was enrolled in a college program, had housing from the program, had location sharing on, would let us know if she was going to another city or country on weekends, and went with at least one other friend on these trips. We wouldn’t have just given her the total amount spent and said have fun on vacation. This was her first time going abroad alone.

For college, we only care that they stay enrolled and pass. We wouldn’t for example just give her the college funds to rent an apartment and not do anything.

That is not at all the same thing.

Did you expect anything back other than a simple thank you from your 18 year old?

That’s what I am talking about. The tit-for-tat.

My father actually does this with other people’s money that he doesn’t control and it’s sad.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:There's a simple way to deal with this: stop asking your parents for money. You are an adult. Support yourself. Pay your own bills. If you can't afford your lifestyle, change your lifestyle. Don't wait for an inheritance. Have no financial dealings with your parents at all. You will much, much happier.

That’s not how it works with financial abuse. It is rarely the adult child asking for money. The parent pretends to be generous, but does not disclose countless hidden strings. So they insist on fully funding grad school. Then you need to study during a holiday weekend rather than come home and you are the devil and the threats start. That is one of many examples.

OP here- this exactly.

The controlling parent has lied to anyone who will listen for decades that he supports us financially and then throws a hissy fit when he hears through the grapevine that I have hired a professional rather than requesting his help (internet stalking my Google reviews).

I’d love to shut this off but simply keeping my distance isn’t enough.

How many times are you people fooled by the "hidden strings" that go along with every handout? I mean.... fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice......

That's not how it works. There are hidden strings with every gift, but if you refuse the gift you are mean spirited, ungrateful and have no manners and there will be drama. These are not normal, healthy people. The people who do this are desperate for control and get a high from conflict and dramatics. There are many genres of these people.

For example, if you are morbidly obese and diabetic on a special life saving diet? That family member will give you decadent sweets and/or send you clothing 10 sizes too small. Did you tell them baby toys that make noise give you a migraine? They will send you a huge box full of noisy baby toys and expect a long thank you note and clips of your baby playing with the toys. Does wool make you itch and break out in a rash? Merry Christmas-I found 4 extra itchy sweaters made of wool just for you! Then if you aren't gracious....drama ensues.

Learn to fake it. Then dump the stuff in the trash. Your coping skills are nonexistent. How do you people get by day to day figuring nothing out? Why are you like this? You feed into this drama and do your part and can’t see it, apparently.

That’s not a coping skill. That’s called enabling.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I just said if they joined the military I wouldn't support them in any way, because I don't believe in the US military. Other than that, no.

So, if we got rid of the military, then what?

Then we’d be among the other countries that don’t have a military.

Have you ever lived in one of these countries? Because I think you should before considering to do away with the military.

Actually I have. Two of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I don't get the whole "gifts with strings" thing. In most European countries it is the norm that elderly parents transfer a considerable part of their assets to their adult children during their lifetime. It is expected, a normal process, not laden with expectations or a way to control.

My parents, poor by American standards, would give me the shirts off their backs, no strings attached. They have, in fact, given me disproportionate amounts of money to help with my down payment. They never mentioned it afterwards. Of course, I am extremely grateful for their kindness and generosity.

It’s actually like that here as well with families that are more normal and functional. Our tax system is set up this way.