Do you lord money and control over your adult offspring?

[Anonymous]

My dad did that to me. He would ask personal questions like: “Have you ever been pregnant?” before he would sign my college tuition checks. It’s sad that he never thought to develop the kind of relationships with his kids that encouraged conversations and trust instead. It was also sad and stressful for both of us that he apparently never thought about the fact that I would end up as he legal next of kin— making medical decisions on his behalf. When he died, my initial feeling was relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad did that to me. He would ask personal questions like: “Have you ever been pregnant?” before he would sign my college tuition checks. It’s sad that he never thought to develop the kind of relationships with his kids that encouraged conversations and trust instead. It was also sad and stressful for both of us that he apparently never thought about the fact that I would end up as he legal next of kin— making medical decisions on his behalf. When he died, my initial feeling was relief.

I can empathize with this.

My father repeatedly told me growing up that he didn’t want children and I was forced on him, so he kicked me out when I turned 18. I paid my own way through college and now that his grandchildren are about to go to college, he and my mother have cut off all respectful contact with our family even though I have counseled DC to apply to schools that we can afford without inheritance. I can’t even text my mother or call her without him texting for her and telling her what to say to me. He takes her phone, babbles over her when I try to have a separate conversation with her, and inserts himself and tries to override every interaction I have with her. She allows it, so she’s lost contact with her only offspring as a result.

Her loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother did this to the extreme.

It didn't happen in a vacuum; she was a nasty, controlling person and used many tools -- money was just one of them. If only I had a dime for every time she started going on with "I will disinherit you!!!!" She finally did change her will to give me less when I voted for Obama, lol.

I told my mother to f*off and keep her money. I wasn't going to put up with the way she treated me anymore. Told her this in front of my siblings so all would know. She suddenly started being nicer when she realized I didn't want or need her money.

[Anonymous]

My ILs are very generous and they never ask for anything in return except for us to never mention it to anyone else including my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If so, why? What’s the point?

I guess controlling people need to control, its pathological.

[Anonymous]

No, they are doing fine on their own and if I tried to do that they’d tell me to f—- off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a simple way to deal with this: stop asking your parents for money. You are an adult. Support yourself. Pay your own bills. If you can't afford your lifestyle, change your lifestyle. Don't wait for an inheritance. Have no financial dealings with your parents at all. You will much, much happier.

That’s not how it works with financial abuse. It is rarely the adult child asking for money. The parent pretends to be generous, but does not disclose countless hidden strings. So they insist on fully funding grad school. Then you need to study during a holiday weekend rather than come home and you are the devil and the threats start. That is one of many examples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a simple way to deal with this: stop asking your parents for money. You are an adult. Support yourself. Pay your own bills. If you can't afford your lifestyle, change your lifestyle. Don't wait for an inheritance. Have no financial dealings with your parents at all. You will much, much happier.

That’s not how it works with financial abuse. It is rarely the adult child asking for money. The parent pretends to be generous, but does not disclose countless hidden strings. So they insist on fully funding grad school. Then you need to study during a holiday weekend rather than come home and you are the devil and the threats start. That is one of many examples.

OP here- this exactly.

The controlling parent has lied to anyone who will listen for decades that he supports us financially and then throws a hissy fit when he hears through the grapevine that I have hired a professional rather than requesting his help (internet stalking my Google reviews).

I’d love to shut this off but simply keeping my distance isn’t enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are very generous and they never ask for anything in return except for us to never mention it to anyone else including my parents.

Sounds heavenly. My in-laws are loaded but have told us we can have it when they die, estate tax be damned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are very generous and they never ask for anything in return except for us to never mention it to anyone else including my parents.

Oooh, smart people. So are your the DD or DS of these amazing people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are very generous and they never ask for anything in return except for us to never mention it to anyone else including my parents.

Oooh, smart people. So are your the DD or DS of these amazing people?

Meshes their daughter or son in law. It’s not her parents giving the money.

[Anonymous]

Op, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a simple way to deal with this: stop asking your parents for money. You are an adult. Support yourself. Pay your own bills. If you can't afford your lifestyle, change your lifestyle. Don't wait for an inheritance. Have no financial dealings with your parents at all. You will much, much happier.

That’s not how it works with financial abuse. It is rarely the adult child asking for money. The parent pretends to be generous, but does not disclose countless hidden strings. So they insist on fully funding grad school. Then you need to study during a holiday weekend rather than come home and you are the devil and the threats start. That is one of many examples.

OP here- this exactly.

The controlling parent has lied to anyone who will listen for decades that he supports us financially and then throws a hissy fit when he hears through the grapevine that I have hired a professional rather than requesting his help (internet stalking my Google reviews).

I’d love to shut this off but simply keeping my distance isn’t enough.

Do you still take financial support? At some point though, it becomes clear that any financial support comes with strings, you have to start declining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a simple way to deal with this: stop asking your parents for money. You are an adult. Support yourself. Pay your own bills. If you can't afford your lifestyle, change your lifestyle. Don't wait for an inheritance. Have no financial dealings with your parents at all. You will much, much happier.

That’s not how it works with financial abuse. It is rarely the adult child asking for money. The parent pretends to be generous, but does not disclose countless hidden strings. So they insist on fully funding grad school. Then you need to study during a holiday weekend rather than come home and you are the devil and the threats start. That is one of many examples.

OP here- this exactly.

The controlling parent has lied to anyone who will listen for decades that he supports us financially and then throws a hissy fit when he hears through the grapevine that I have hired a professional rather than requesting his help (internet stalking my Google reviews).

I’d love to shut this off but simply keeping my distance isn’t enough.

Do you still take financial support? At some point though, it becomes clear that any financial support comes with strings, you have to start declining.

No. I don’t receive any financial support from them and haven’t for many years.

My mother does give me gifts at holidays for now, but I don’t count on the gifts and I do reciprocate at Christmas and birthday.

[Anonymous]

We give money under defined conditions.

We payed for DD to spend the summer in Europe when she was 18. The conditions were she was enrolled in a college program, had housing from the program, had location sharing on, would let us know if she was going to another city or country on weekends, and went with at least one other friend on these trips. We wouldn’t have just given her the total amount spent and said have fun on vacation. This was her first time going abroad alone.

For college, we only care that they stay enrolled and pass. We wouldn’t for example just give her the college funds to rent an apartment and not do anything.