Give me ALL the talking points for talking to parents about downsizing and/or moving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First thing is to convince them that they need to do some paring down. They have too much stuff and they should understand that the “kids” don’t want most of it.

I think a lot of times older folks stay in their homes because the idea of having to get rid of all of that stuff is overwhelming to them. I know of one instance where an adult child found evidence of a mouse in one of their parent’s spare bedrooms and that lit a spark to get the house pared down. I’m pretty sure that the “mouse” in question was pure fiction but that little white lie got the whole process going,

I don't agree with forcing parents to get rid of even some of their stuff, merely because it will be inconvenient for the adult children to sort through them. That is selfish of the ACs to ask.

I am an estate attorney, and deal with end-of-life situations on a weekly basis. That "stuff" means a lifetime of precious memories to them, their entire life. Throwing some of it out feels to them like preparing for death.

After the death the AC can go through it much more quickly and with less agony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First thing is to convince them that they need to do some paring down. They have too much stuff and they should understand that the “kids” don’t want most of it.

I think a lot of times older folks stay in their homes because the idea of having to get rid of all of that stuff is overwhelming to them. I know of one instance where an adult child found evidence of a mouse in one of their parent’s spare bedrooms and that lit a spark to get the house pared down. I’m pretty sure that the “mouse” in question was pure fiction but that little white lie got the whole process going,

I don't agree with forcing parents to get rid of even some of their stuff, merely because it will be inconvenient for the adult children to sort through them. That is selfish of the ACs to ask.

I am an estate attorney, and deal with end-of-life situations on a weekly basis. That "stuff" means a lifetime of precious memories to them, their entire life. Throwing some of it out feels to them like preparing for death.

After the death the AC can go through it much more quickly and with less agony.

No one said “force”. I agree that you should not force your parents to get rid of stuff. Unfortunately if an emergency happens there are times when the dumpsters have to be brought in and the junk cleared out ASAP. Not all adult children have the time to go through their parents’ lifetime of stuff. They have jobs, children, homes and other responsibilities, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First thing is to convince them that they need to do some paring down. They have too much stuff and they should understand that the “kids” don’t want most of it.

I think a lot of times older folks stay in their homes because the idea of having to get rid of all of that stuff is overwhelming to them. I know of one instance where an adult child found evidence of a mouse in one of their parent’s spare bedrooms and that lit a spark to get the house pared down. I’m pretty sure that the “mouse” in question was pure fiction but that little white lie got the whole process going,

I don't agree with forcing parents to get rid of even some of their stuff, merely because it will be inconvenient for the adult children to sort through them. That is selfish of the ACs to ask.

I am an estate attorney, and deal with end-of-life situations on a weekly basis. That "stuff" means a lifetime of precious memories to them, their entire life. Throwing some of it out feels to them like preparing for death.

After the death the AC can go through it much more quickly and with less agony.

Oh yes, the AC who likely have full time jobs, kids at home, may not live anywhere nearby, and may be in a state of grief.

Sorry, but if you don’t handle all your stuff while you’re able to, you’re dumping it on your kids to handle. Way to pass that hardship on because you’re weirdly emotionally connected to inanimate objects that mean more to you than the wellbeing of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's their life, give them the gift of your acceptance. Old people have their own ways, but they are adults and they have every right to choose where and how they live.

Given how pushy you come off, maybe they are afraid that if they let go of their house, you'll stick them into the nursing home promptly against their wishes too.

I think op's fear is not irrational. Taking care of someone who needs a LOT of help and is out of state is basically impossible to do very well, huge source of stress and guilt, logistically a nightmare, and doesn't lead to the best decisions and options. My dh's family just went through it and is still dealing with it. At the same time I get her parents would prefer autonomy where they are, and perhaps they will live to 95 in amazing health in their own home. It's the dream scenario and I've seen that happen as well, BUT, even in that scenario, they will get lonely and more housebound once they can't drive anymore, and won't get the regular family visits they otherwise would get if they are that far. So imo it is best to have that autonomous living not far from children. Op's parents are still youngish but the older they get the harder it is to make a big move like that. I'd show them really great houses they can afford near op, talk about the financial benefit of house sale money, the travel...

OP's fear is OP's fear, other people should not live their lives to accommodate this fear. Maybe they want OP to move closer to them based on their fear, should OP do it?

They know about possibility of this scenario. They still have the right to choose what they want and live with the consequences. E.g. being lonely, etc. In practical terms, even if they live near OP, if OP is employed they would still have to rely on a home aide or some other hired help should they become frail. What's best in your or anybody else opinion is just that - an opinion, 2 adults don't have to suit others with opinions to make these others more comfortable.

What OP has clearly stated is that the existing house is $$$, OP lives in a cheaper cost of living area, so there will be differential. I see a monetary interest here covered by concern for future well being. If I was OP's parents I'd be like - no, thanks.

That's the crux, right there. Everyone is so centered in their fears they can't think of the other person who has made a guest appearance. It's totally based in anxiety, not reality. OP says "they're healthy, but aging," as if that's justification. But, everyone on the planet is aging. Some people in their late 70s have more mobility than people in their 30s with a chronic illness.

OP, there's no magical conversation that will sway your parents. You can do your best to build a persuasive argument, if you think that won't insult your parents. Or you could try to have a genuine conversation with them, without trying to control everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First thing is to convince them that they need to do some paring down. They have too much stuff and they should understand that the “kids” don’t want most of it.

I think a lot of times older folks stay in their homes because the idea of having to get rid of all of that stuff is overwhelming to them. I know of one instance where an adult child found evidence of a mouse in one of their parent’s spare bedrooms and that lit a spark to get the house pared down. I’m pretty sure that the “mouse” in question was pure fiction but that little white lie got the whole process going,

I don't agree with forcing parents to get rid of even some of their stuff, merely because it will be inconvenient for the adult children to sort through them. That is selfish of the ACs to ask.

I am an estate attorney, and deal with end-of-life situations on a weekly basis. That "stuff" means a lifetime of precious memories to them, their entire life. Throwing some of it out feels to them like preparing for death.

After the death the AC can go through it much more quickly and with less agony.

Oh yes, the AC who likely have full time jobs, kids at home, may not live anywhere nearby, and may be in a state of grief.

Sorry, but if you don’t handle all your stuff while you’re able to, you’re dumping it on your kids to handle. Way to pass that hardship on because you’re weirdly emotionally connected to inanimate objects that mean more to you than the wellbeing of your kids.

You can pay someone to do all this. Just take it out of the house proceeds. Done.

[Anonymous]

My parents hate to put us kids out or inconvenience us at all, so we focused on that.

"Guys, when one of you gets sick, it's going to be very hard for us to get up here to help you."

It took awhile, but we just kept at it slowly.

[Anonymous]

At 72 they should still be able to take care of themselves. And not ready to enter the "path to death" as a late friend viewed the move to a CCRC. I would let it go for a while but maybe start talking to them about future plans - where they'd like to go when they sell the house, any preparations they need to make to sell their house, etc. Don't push it, just raise the topics.

I am 62 and already working on getting rid of stuff and considering downsizing options. But the reality is that's several years away because we need decent WFH space before retirement. Surely your parents have given these topics some thought at this point.

[Anonymous]

They want to live where their friends are! Focus on getting them to downsize. Going up and down stairs is going to get more difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have to laugh about what people would say if their own parents started a thread about persuading their adult children to move or downsize to live within their means or to bring their grandchildren closer… 😂

Well difference is, we will eventually have to take care of our parents as they age/are unable to live in their 3 story home (Not the OP).

Solution we found for my parents: they refused to move closer to us (we are on different coasts). They don't want to leave their doctors and church (even though we live in a better area for doctors/medical care). But they are right, they wouldn't be happy were we live. We live in a very blue area, they live in a Red area in a blue/maybe purple state and would not be happy where we live. Other sibling is not going to be any help, so all care will eventually fall on me and my spouse as my parents age.
So after much convincing, they finally decided to sell the house and the one acre property with their big garden and lots of landscaping to keep them busy busy busy. But they made the move at age 75 to a CCRC. 5 years later, they love it there. Not cheap, and we had to pay the entry fee or they wouldn't have been approved. But this way, I know they will always be well taken care of, and if they need nursing care/assisted living/dementia care, they will have a spot immediate in that area of the facility. Until then they live in independent living. They get 1 full meal a day and can budget well to include 2-3 more per week for each of them.

But most importantly they did the downsizing/getting rid of shit on their own in the 6 months before they moved in. went from a 2.5K home with basement and garage to 1100sq ft apartment with a tiny storage space. They chose what to get rid of and what to keep. So it will be less work for me in the future. And we love that they are in a facility with help available should they need it and with tons of activities. It's like the four seasons at their facility.

[Anonymous]

My parents downsized from their big house to a tiny apartment a few years ago. Their apt is in a 55+ building but 99 percent are 75+.

Something kids need to realize is that people don't want to leave their friends, church, etc. Older people who move away from their established city are often very lonely. My parents have met many people who moved into their building because their kids begged them to move closer. And now they can't see their old friends and starting over is hard at that age. My parents stand by on suicide watch for one despondent woman.

Luckily my parents downsized in the same city so they have their same friends and church. Because that building is like a middle school. Yes there are a lot of friendly people who want to make friends but also, many of them are mean and clique -ish.

So, don't ask them to come to you unless and until they're ready for assisted living or a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Also, if it's important to YOU that they live near you, you should consider moving to their area.

My sister wants my parents to move across the country to be near her. My parents are like, we love you but what? Our life is here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have to laugh about what people would say if their own parents started a thread about persuading their adult children to move or downsize to live within their means or to bring their grandchildren closer… 😂

Well difference is, we will eventually have to take care of our parents as they age/are unable to live in their 3 story home (Not the OP).

Solution we found for my parents: they refused to move closer to us (we are on different coasts). They don't want to leave their doctors and church (even though we live in a better area for doctors/medical care). But they are right, they wouldn't be happy were we live. We live in a very blue area, they live in a Red area in a blue/maybe purple state and would not be happy where we live. Other sibling is not going to be any help, so all care will eventually fall on me and my spouse as my parents age.
So after much convincing, they finally decided to sell the house and the one acre property with their big garden and lots of landscaping to keep them busy busy busy. But they made the move at age 75 to a CCRC. 5 years later, they love it there. Not cheap, and we had to pay the entry fee or they wouldn't have been approved. But this way, I know they will always be well taken care of, and if they need nursing care/assisted living/dementia care, they will have a spot immediate in that area of the facility. Until then they live in independent living. They get 1 full meal a day and can budget well to include 2-3 more per week for each of them.

But most importantly they did the downsizing/getting rid of shit on their own in the 6 months before they moved in. went from a 2.5K home with basement and garage to 1100sq ft apartment with a tiny storage space. They chose what to get rid of and what to keep. So it will be less work for me in the future. And we love that they are in a facility with help available should they need it and with tons of activities. It's like the four seasons at their facility.

Wait, are you saying the can only afford to have 2-3 meals a week in addition to their daily meal? So 9-10 meals a week? Even for an older person's appetite that isn't enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have to laugh about what people would say if their own parents started a thread about persuading their adult children to move or downsize to live within their means or to bring their grandchildren closer… 😂

Well difference is, we will eventually have to take care of our parents as they age/are unable to live in their 3 story home (Not the OP).

Solution we found for my parents: they refused to move closer to us (we are on different coasts). They don't want to leave their doctors and church (even though we live in a better area for doctors/medical care). But they are right, they wouldn't be happy were we live. We live in a very blue area, they live in a Red area in a blue/maybe purple state and would not be happy where we live. Other sibling is not going to be any help, so all care will eventually fall on me and my spouse as my parents age.
So after much convincing, they finally decided to sell the house and the one acre property with their big garden and lots of landscaping to keep them busy busy busy. But they made the move at age 75 to a CCRC. 5 years later, they love it there. Not cheap, and we had to pay the entry fee or they wouldn't have been approved. But this way, I know they will always be well taken care of, and if they need nursing care/assisted living/dementia care, they will have a spot immediate in that area of the facility. Until then they live in independent living. They get 1 full meal a day and can budget well to include 2-3 more per week for each of them.

But most importantly they did the downsizing/getting rid of shit on their own in the 6 months before they moved in. went from a 2.5K home with basement and garage to 1100sq ft apartment with a tiny storage space. They chose what to get rid of and what to keep. So it will be less work for me in the future. And we love that they are in a facility with help available should they need it and with tons of activities. It's like the four seasons at their facility.

Wait, are you saying the can only afford to have 2-3 meals a week in addition to their daily meal? So 9-10 meals a week? Even for an older person's appetite that isn't enough.

No, it's how many are included on their meal plan. Other meals they cook in their own little kitchen, go out, or pay an extra dining fee. Totally normal.

[Anonymous]

I’m 72 live alone in a 5 bedroom home in an acre. I guess the house is full of stuff. Old people are not that into minimalist decor. I like the space the privacy the garden. On Tuesdays I make food for the week. Older people don’t eat that much. As for walkable that’s a laugh to me — my car is my freedom. I can’t imagine carrying my groceries or strolling to Home Depot for some little thing. I wish my kids lived closer but they live in very expensive cities so that’s out. I also prefer winter to summer. Even with the shoveling.
OP I think you don’t really understand older people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Details are changed because I know a lot of people on here.

Please spare me the “you’re selfish”, why bother, leave boomers alone, etc. etc. I would love some actual talking points either from someone who has been there or what works and what doesn’t.

Facts:
~Parents are 73 years old: ok health and active but aging
~Live in a 3 story Ryan home development 4 bedrooms, FILLED to the brim with stuff
~sister and I live within one of each other, 6 kids between us
~parents live 5 hours away from us
~sister and I live in a warm-ish sunny climate (think: Charlotte)
~parents live in a cold, gray state with minimal sun and snow (think:buffalo)
~parents do not have any family where they are currently living

My talking points are both:
The need to clean out the house and downsize: the house is large and VERY full of STUFF.

Consider moving closer to sister and I (long shot due to stubbornness).

I’d love some ideas.

I’d like to talk about moving to a one level house in their current town.

I’d like to bring up moving closer to us.

I only hear me, me, me here. Have you had a conversation with your parents about their thoughts?