Give me ALL the talking points for talking to parents about downsizing and/or moving
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Anonymous
ABSOLUTELY. House is paid off. And in a very desirable neighborhood and worth $$$. We live in a nice area but it’s affordable. |
Anonymous
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You seem to think that your parents' current location is not as appealing for someone elderly as your location, but if I were elderly (and I'm getting there), there is no way I'd be moving from a blue state (if that's where they are) to a red state (again assuming), given the lack of a social safety net or other protections in the potential new place.
So the first person who needs to do some thinking is you: What are your biggest concerns? Which of those are about your parents' well-being rather than your own convenience? Cleaning out a big house full of stuff is a drag (I know, I've done it), but the people whose house I was emptying were never willing to consider the possibility that no one else was going to want their stuff. They *were* willing to allow a little cleaning out so that there were wider, safe paths for them to walk in. And when the remaining half of a couple was finally moving to assisted living, we discussed what to take in terms of what would be nice for her. It turned out that the chair she always sat in was not her favorite; it was the one she picked so her husband could have The Good Chair. So The Good Chair got reupholstered and moved, and that was sort of the theme of the move: We're going to move you into your new home, and it's going to be a nice place that you can stay in as long as you want. Have you/have they thought about what the years ahead will look like? Do they like their doctors? Are their doctors young enough that they'll be practicing for the next 20 years? Are your parents' friends stick around, or moving someplace warmer? How easy is it go get around their town/your town once they can't drive? How would they make new friends in your area if they moved? How would they sustain those friendships? Also, moving is expensive. It sounds like you're imagining them buying a house, but how long will they be able to live there? 10 years? 15? Some people live independently until the day they die, but that's not typical. |
Anonymous
This is the best suggestion, OP. Bring it up now, during the middle of their cold northern winter when they may be experiencing cabin fever. Ask them if they would be interested in spending a few months in a furnished rental closer to you. Sell it up - tell them about the activities, time with you, grandkids, etc. they could be enjoying if they did so. Tell them they don't have to do a thing with their own house, just lock it down and arrange for a house-watcher to come with regularity so they don't have to worry about it. Set up cameras (if they don't have them already) if it would give them a piece of mind. |
Anonymous
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I started by talking about choice. Anytime their friend or something came up via news, I’d “think out loud” about how difficult it must of been for (friend) to have no choice in where they moved to, what to keep or give away. The idea being “move now while healthy and have choices or you may have to move suddenly with no choices”.
I’d also mention, that it’s better to move when they are healthy and can still make friends. Nothing worse than being too old and ill to make new friends. Then I’d talk about Swedish Death Cleaning (although I wouldn’t call it that). My parents never wanted to be a burden. So I’d bring up X friend who had the burden of cleaning out their parent’s house while grieving. Then move into, let’s get rid of the easy stuff —broken things and old papers. Use an organization that is a certified Senior Move Manager to help with downsizing. They were good about helping my Dad let go of stuff. And convincing him that it would be “donated”. I’m sure most of it was thrown away because it was junk. Also, start taking stuff “home” with you. Parents want to give us stuff. Just take it. Rent a truck put as much stuff as you can in the truck, then donate or trash most of it on the way out of town. If they ask, tell them a friend’s kid needed it to set up an apartment at college or new town. They just want to know it went to a good home. We also put stuff in storage. They never looked at it again, but knowing it was there made them happy. https://www.nasmm.org/ Fortunately, it got my parents to get on a waitlist for a CCRC near me. Unfortunately, my Dad loved the house (pride-look at what I’ve been able to build up and own!). And my Mom had the beginnings of dementia that we didn’t recognize, so she really dug in. So when a health crises hit, I had to move them. And they lost all choice. My Dad acknowledged he should have moved by the time he was 75. |
Anonymous
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It's their life, give them the gift of your acceptance. Old people have their own ways, but they are adults and they have every right to choose where and how they live.
Given how pushy you come off, maybe they are afraid that if they let go of their house, you'll stick them into the nursing home promptly against their wishes too. |
Anonymous
I think op's fear is not irrational. Taking care of someone who needs a LOT of help and is out of state is basically impossible to do very well, huge source of stress and guilt, logistically a nightmare, and doesn't lead to the best decisions and options. My dh's family just went through it and is still dealing with it. At the same time I get her parents would prefer autonomy where they are, and perhaps they will live to 95 in amazing health in their own home. It's the dream scenario and I've seen that happen as well, BUT, even in that scenario, they will get lonely and more housebound once they can't drive anymore, and won't get the regular family visits they otherwise would get if they are that far. So imo it is best to have that autonomous living not far from children. Op's parents are still youngish but the older they get the harder it is to make a big move like that. I'd show them really great houses they can afford near op, talk about the financial benefit of house sale money, the travel... |
Anonymous
| Maybe they truly like where they live and feel part of the community? That is really important for older people. They move closer to you, and they have to start all over. |
Anonymous
OP here. They don’t have many friends left, especially Nov-April. Almost all are snowbirds. They do not have family in the area. Many of their friends have moved to warmer climates or split their time. |
Anonymous
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OP it’s going to take some time. Just start the conversation. Tell them to make a decision before it’s made for them. Understand they might not want to move near you because they have a community, friends, and life where they are. Possibly find options in their location.
Take anything they offer you even if you turn around and donate, trash, gift yo someone else. Understand you cannot control them. It’s import to be kind in bringing this up. Good luck. It took my mom 9 years after my father died and we still have to sell the house. This is a tough time, it’s stressful, and try try to not get frustrated and annoyed with them. Moving and downsizing are overwhelming especially from a large house. Encourage them to even rent a place somewhere for 3 months just to get used to the idea. |
Anonymous
All the more reason to use snowbirding as an option. I'm sure their friends like the snowbird lifestyle, so play that up. Tell them they can try doing it for one season, just to see how they like it. They can rent a furnished place for a couple of months, maybe near where their friends are. |
Anonymous
| Just have to laugh about what people would say if their own parents started a thread about persuading their adult children to move or downsize to live within their means or to bring their grandchildren closer… 😂 |
Anonymous
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We’re in a similar boat with my in laws OP. No luck yet, but we’ve been trying to sell them on:
Less house maintenance (I know they’re tired of constantly fixing roof leaks, replacing appliances, etc. in their generic aging 1980s McMansion that has not been updated in as many decades). Pending health issues. MIL was recently diagnosed with a progressive disease that affects mobility. We’d rather they downsize before someone falls down the stairs. Proximity to grandkids. How nice it would be if you could pop over for Sunday night dinner! Walkability. We’re in a fairly dense/walkable part of NoVa. There are little cottage homes and nice condos with amenities they could buy. They could then spend their days walking to shops and Ubering to the doctors so they don’t have to worry about driving as they age. And last (not sure they care) we remind them that someone has to downsize their house. It will either be us (we work FT and have 3 young kids) or them, the retirees. They talk about leaving us the house as if this is some huge asset, but odds are it’ll end up being liquified to help pay for eldercare. And it needs so much work it’s not going to get top dollar. We’d really rather they use up their money to have a good quality of life than let their house fall apart, risk falling, stress over maintenance, etc. in the hopes of leaving us some money (we are not hard up so the stress of their stuff isn’t worth it to us). If anyone else finds something that works, I’ll all ears. This has been a repeat discussion for us with DH’s parents so far … |
Anonymous
OP's fear is OP's fear, other people should not live their lives to accommodate this fear. Maybe they want OP to move closer to them based on their fear, should OP do it? They know about possibility of this scenario. They still have the right to choose what they want and live with the consequences. E.g. being lonely, etc. In practical terms, even if they live near OP, if OP is employed they would still have to rely on a home aide or some other hired help should they become frail. What's best in your or anybody else opinion is just that - an opinion, 2 adults don't have to suit others with opinions to make these others more comfortable. What OP has clearly stated is that the existing house is $$$, OP lives in a cheaper cost of living area, so there will be differential. I see a monetary interest here covered by concern for future well being. If I was OP's parents I'd be like - no, thanks. |
Anonymous
Let old folks be. There are companies that will clear out the house, once you inherit it, you can get a contractor to spruce up the house before sale and pay out of (higher) sale proceeds. Just because you want things to be optimal for you is not a good reason to for others to bend to your will. Everyone decides based on what's valuable and important for them. |
Anonymous
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OP you should ask them about moving and offer whatever help you’re willing to give them but let go of the idea that you’ll be able to persuade them! You can’t, you won’t. Give up.
1) get your ducks in a row for if/when there’s a health crisis. Who will travel to the parents? Who has the important documents? Financial, insurance, health, bills. Passwords? Etc. 2) research assisted living or whatever level of housing near you, and have that research ready to go when you or they need it. 3) you might also look up rehab facilities near them That will be time better spent than trying to convince them to move. Spoiler alert: you or your sister are cleaning out that house. |