Give me ALL the talking points for talking to parents about downsizing and/or moving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, it took a medical crisis to have my parent actually move.

However, on the plus side we my parent had looked at CCRC and senior communities near us before hand, so when the crisis did occur they knew what they wanted.

Your parents may not be ready to move, but if you can get them to look at CCRC near you and get on waitlists now it would still be helpful.

+1

My parents did not want to move 3K miles to be near us (and other siblings are worthless and wont assist at all). So we gently kept encouraging them to look at CCRCs near them---told them we would pay the entry fees if needed (they are MC, not UMC, very frugal and saved a lot but they don't have enough Net worth even after selling their home to get in without us paying the entry fees). They finally found a place they liked and decided to move. Moved in just before Covid hit. Was so grateful they were in a place like that. No more maintenance on their home, now if something breaks they just put in a work order and it's fixed for free. During covid meals were delivered 1-2x/day to their door and the "mini grocery store" onsite was expanded to include many more items, so they did not need to go out shopping for even milk, eggs, basic stuff.
4 years into it and my parents love it. Much more social than they ever were before, and that is awesome for their mental and physical health. They can get all 3 meals a day in the restaurant if they want, just have to pay a bit more. But I know they always have their main meal covered. And breakfast and lunch is easy to do without any real cooking.

[Anonymous]

OP is the house that’s filled with to the brim full of older things or are they continuing to constantly acquire things? Is it semi organized or are there basically goat trails and rooms are no longer functional because of all the stuff.

If it’s the later in both cases, they are hoarders which is horribly difficult to handle. Your best outcome in this case is that one or both develop a non life threatening health issue or accident that forces them into assisted living where you can’t hoard. You would hire a company to haul away the junk and quickly sell the house.

If it’s the first problem, then try to get them to stay in your area for a longer stay. Find a place, let them know that what they don’t use in their new place they can put into storage. Boomers love to get younger relatives to take their stuff. They may be happy if you and your siblings go through and identify who wants what crap, storage units can be organized by goes to Jimmy, Sarah and my favorite ..hold for grandkids which s basically a section that will immediately be sent to donation when they die. It’s a waste of money to pay for the storage but if it heads off larger expenses of them holding on to crap and not moving, it makes more sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they truly like where they live and feel part of the community? That is really important for older people. They move closer to you, and they have to start all over.

OP here. They don’t have many friends left, especially Nov-April. Almost all are snowbirds. They do not have family in the area.

Many of their friends have moved to warmer climates or split their time.

NP here. My parents have been in the same house for 50 years. Their friends are starting to move away. Their house is getting too big for them and they’re in denial. I think they are emotionally stuck in the past and unable to detach themselves from the property. At this point, I don’t expect them to move; they just can’t do it. They don’t know where to go. The world ends where their neighborhood ends. One of them will fall ill and they’ll expect my sister to become their caretaker to keep them in the house. She doesn’t have spouse nor children, so she may very well do it if there’s a financial incentive. I can’t help— I work full time, we have bills, and my kids have another 10 years of school. I so wish they’d move to a warmer place and downsize but they’re not going to.

When they pass away we will call a service to purge the house and hold an estate sale. There is absolutely no way we will be able to do this on our own, and I live out of state.

It is what it is. OP, just make sure they have a plan and finances in place to make it easy for you.

[Anonymous]

They don’t have many friends left, especially Nov-April. Almost all are snowbirds.

Some different thoughts ~ you do not know how many friends = enough friends, for them.
Your parents aren't snowbirds. That may = can't afford it. Do you know? Do you know all/completely about their finances? Have you been able to pick out someplace (even as an example) they could live and you know they could afford in this-area-closer-to-you, even if they wanted to move?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re in a similar boat with my in laws OP. No luck yet, but we’ve been trying to sell them on:

Less house maintenance (I know they’re tired of constantly fixing roof leaks, replacing appliances, etc. in their generic aging 1980s McMansion that has not been updated in as many decades).

Pending health issues. MIL was recently diagnosed with a progressive disease that affects mobility. We’d rather they downsize before someone falls down the stairs.

Proximity to grandkids. How nice it would be if you could pop over for Sunday night dinner!

Walkability. We’re in a fairly dense/walkable part of NoVa. There are little cottage homes and nice condos with amenities they could buy. They could then spend their days walking to shops and Ubering to the doctors so they don’t have to worry about driving as they age.

And last (not sure they care) we remind them that someone has to downsize their house. It will either be us (we work FT and have 3 young kids) or them, the retirees. They talk about leaving us the house as if this is some huge asset, but odds are it’ll end up being liquified to help pay for eldercare. And it needs so much work it’s not going to get top dollar. We’d really rather they use up their money to have a good quality of life than let their house fall apart, risk falling, stress over maintenance, etc. in the hopes of leaving us some money (we are not hard up so the stress of their stuff isn’t worth it to us).

If anyone else finds something that works, I’ll all ears. This has been a repeat discussion for us with DH’s parents so far …

Let old folks be. There are companies that will clear out the house, once you inherit it, you can get a contractor to spruce up the house before sale and pay out of (higher) sale proceeds. Just because you want things to be optimal for you is not a good reason to for others to bend to your will. Everyone decides based on what's valuable and important for them.

Have you ever had to take care of an old person in a huge house? Especially when they can no longer drive? It is a nightmare. My grandmother has a giant old house, refused to sell or downsize and now she's 91 and finally is willing to clean out the home. She wants to give us stuff, but we all have our own homes now, which is very unfortunate. AND she had a moth infestation in her main home so most of these gorgeous rugs she bought and stored throughout the years were destroyed along with many other things. She has cleaners who have come 2x a week for my entire life, but she still got cloth moths.

Now she is considering moving to assisted living because she is bored/ can't drive/ all her friends are dead. It also fails on my mom to do a lot, coordinate everything, and she still works FT. My mom has other siblings who all live within 10 minutes of my grandmother and two are young retirees. So please, don't put all the caregiving on one child unless they are getting $ or more of the estate out of it (my mom is not).

OP-

Talk to them about it. Offer to help clean/ organize the house. Have them visit you and show them some nice assisted living places or ranch style homes. Take them to Bingo or events, show them things they would be interested in areas they would like. If they aren't interested, ask them what their plans are for when they do have health issues/ need to move/ etc. Communicate what you can and cannot do. Be clear.

Expect them not to move and come up with a plan. You and your sister should always have some banked PTO in case of emergency and know #s of places and home health aides, etc.

I think older people just assume their kids can take care of them and drop everything and that isn't the case. My poor mom is killing herself doing everything for my grandmother. I go visit and let my mom have days off when I am able, but it irritates me her siblings don't do much.

If my grandmother had moved to assisted living or a RC even at 85 her life and my mom's life would have been a lot better. My grandmother has the money, she just refused to go. We tried everything.

My husband's grandparents all lived in assisted living- one was very expensive and the other grandma's assisted living was not as fancy. They were active, had friends, had meals, and when we visited it was fun and we could take them places and have a nice time. No one was stressed with cleaning or giving the pills or making a meal because it was all taken care of.

Caregiving causes a lot of stress. Thankfully, my mom said she's moving into a RC in about 10 years because of what she has seen what happened if you don't do it. She is already purging her stuff, thank goodness and she is only 61!

[Anonymous]

I stopped reading at 73 & healthy.

[Anonymous]

They don't need to clean the house out and downsize, you want them to. Big difference.