Give me ALL the talking points for talking to parents about downsizing and/or moving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they truly like where they live and feel part of the community? That is really important for older people. They move closer to you, and they have to start all over.

OP here. They don’t have many friends left, especially Nov-April. Almost all are snowbirds. They do not have family in the area.

Many of their friends have moved to warmer climates or split their time.

All the more reason to use snowbirding as an option. I'm sure their friends like the snowbird lifestyle, so play that up. Tell them they can try doing it for one season, just to see how they like it. They can rent a furnished place for a couple of months, maybe near where their friends are.

Jeez, at least have them try snowbirding near OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have to laugh about what people would say if their own parents started a thread about persuading their adult children to move or downsize to live within their means or to bring their grandchildren closer… 😂

I would hope most AC can handle paying for and maintaining their home. It also makes sense to have more rooms/sq ft when you’re actively raising children. Not to mention I would hope they’re healthy enough to navigate stairs and other hazards.

But if someone couldn’t keep up their home, was at risk of falling, or otherwise was living outside their means, then yes I would hope family would encourage them to downsize.

It’s just that this usually applies to older family members not younger ones. And the grandkids live where the parents do (which is usually tied to a job) while grandparents are mostly retired. So the argument that AC should relocate to where the grandparents are makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's their life, give them the gift of your acceptance. Old people have their own ways, but they are adults and they have every right to choose where and how they live.

Given how pushy you come off, maybe they are afraid that if they let go of their house, you'll stick them into the nursing home promptly against their wishes too.

Sure they have the right to choose how they live and that right comes with the consequences of their own choices. If they take a tumble they will have to live with the broken hip and corresponding surgeries (ask me how I know). If they can’t manage home maintenance, they will live in clutter with things falling apart. If they live where the weather sucks, they will be shoveling snow in their 80s.

That is their choice. But they cannot expect anyone to come along and save them from the downsides of their choices.

And when they die or become too old to make choices for themselves, a company will come along with dumpsters and throw away all their stuff that they now do not have the mental capacity to sort through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re in a similar boat with my in laws OP. No luck yet, but we’ve been trying to sell them on:

Less house maintenance (I know they’re tired of constantly fixing roof leaks, replacing appliances, etc. in their generic aging 1980s McMansion that has not been updated in as many decades).

Pending health issues. MIL was recently diagnosed with a progressive disease that affects mobility. We’d rather they downsize before someone falls down the stairs.

Proximity to grandkids. How nice it would be if you could pop over for Sunday night dinner!

Walkability. We’re in a fairly dense/walkable part of NoVa. There are little cottage homes and nice condos with amenities they could buy. They could then spend their days walking to shops and Ubering to the doctors so they don’t have to worry about driving as they age.

And last (not sure they care) we remind them that someone has to downsize their house. It will either be us (we work FT and have 3 young kids) or them, the retirees. They talk about leaving us the house as if this is some huge asset, but odds are it’ll end up being liquified to help pay for eldercare. And it needs so much work it’s not going to get top dollar. We’d really rather they use up their money to have a good quality of life than let their house fall apart, risk falling, stress over maintenance, etc. in the hopes of leaving us some money (we are not hard up so the stress of their stuff isn’t worth it to us).

If anyone else finds something that works, I’ll all ears. This has been a repeat discussion for us with DH’s parents so far …

Let old folks be. There are companies that will clear out the house, once you inherit it, you can get a contractor to spruce up the house before sale and pay out of (higher) sale proceeds. Just because you want things to be optimal for you is not a good reason to for others to bend to your will. Everyone decides based on what's valuable and important for them.

Okay and in the interim MIL’s Parkinson’s will get worse. There is no main level bedroom. FIL will continue to take on all the stress of keeping up a giant 5 bedroom home, not to mention paying ever increasing property taxes, utilities, and maintenance costs that they complain to us about. And I sure hope at least one of them can continue to safely drive because they live in car dependent exurbia.

They are welcome to decide it is important for them to continue to live like this. They cannot expect to be saved from their own choices though.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, it took a medical crisis to have my parent actually move.

However, on the plus side we my parent had looked at CCRC and senior communities near us before hand, so when the crisis did occur they knew what they wanted.

Your parents may not be ready to move, but if you can get them to look at CCRC near you and get on waitlists now it would still be helpful.

[Anonymous]

If you can handle it (or your sister), invite them for extended stays with you (or your sister) in the winter when the weather is much better where you are. Get them a little bit integrated into the kids' daily lives (taking Larla to soccer practice) while they're staying with you, so it feels less like a special occasion and more a preview of regular every day life if they were to live closer.

It's a beast to host parents for longer durations though, but we do save some money on childcare/camps when they visit. We do it over summer and winter break. Grandparents come stay for 2-3 weeks and are in the thick of kid logistics and such. It got them to envision what life might be like.

[Anonymous]

As someone who is 70 your logic sounds a bit off. It seems like you are more concerned with your parents stuff than you need to be. Moving all that stuff will cost a fortune. It’s junk but not to them.
Also because of capital gains they would face a huge tax bill if they sold.
And finding smaller homes in warmer climates is difficult with the trend for very large homes.
Finally the older you are the more you love your routine.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they don’t want to provide childcare for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is now an empty nester at 52, I'm actually giving thoughts to downsizing with my fiancee. Here are a couple of the things holding us back:

1) Pure economics. At the moment, selling our house and finding something even a few thousand square feet smaller (if we can find it) would end up costing us near the same as we pay now and reset our mortgage because of the interest rate differential. We can afford it, but we don't really WANT to, especially with the transaction and moving costs involved.

2) Finding the right housing stock. I realize we're 52, not 72, but we're not eager to move into a place with shared walls if we can avoid it. But on the flip side, most of where we need to live (because we are still working for the next 15 years or so) is all giant homes on huge lots. It's really difficult to find a modest SFH -- blame past zoning/planning policies.

I might feel differently at 72 or 73, but generally speaking, we're down with people (I mean it, people SUCK) and have no desire to live in a high-density community. I realize that needing access to medical care down the road could change that equation.

I'm surprised no one is talking about this. This is a great point/reason why OP's parents may not want to move. We moved 2.5 years ago when interest rates were low. If we bought the same house for the same price today, we would be paying 33% more per month due to how much the interest rates have gone up. Maybe OP's parents are worried about the cost of housing right now. Even though OP says she lives in an affordable area, her parents would be paying a lot more for a house in her area right now than they would if they wait until interest rates go down again. Maybe wait and have this conversation if/when that happens.

OP, my parents are similar. They are 72 (my mom) and 75 (my dad) years old and live in a big house filled with stuff and they live far away from all 3 of their adult children. And they have no family local to them nor do they have many local friends. It stresses me out. They are healthy (for now) but I know that won't last. But they love their house, they love their stuff, my dad has lived in the city they're in his entire life and they've been in their house for 40 years (it is my childhood home). I seriously doubt anything can persuade them to move unless they are forced to due to a health crisis of some sort.

I also think you should look at #2 on PP's list of reasons she doesn't want to move. My parents and many people do not want to live in an apartment/condo type retirement community. They don't want to be that close to other people after so long of having a big house/big yard/more separate space. I don't blame them on that point. Would you want to live in a much smaller apt/condo, in very close proximity to others after years of being used to having your own space?

I think the only possible way you can sell them on moving is, again, if they experience a health crisis that makes living in their current home unsafe/unmanageable or *maybe* if you sell them on the idea of seeing their grandkids more often and being more involved in grandkids' lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re in a similar boat with my in laws OP. No luck yet, but we’ve been trying to sell them on:

Less house maintenance (I know they’re tired of constantly fixing roof leaks, replacing appliances, etc. in their generic aging 1980s McMansion that has not been updated in as many decades).

Pending health issues. MIL was recently diagnosed with a progressive disease that affects mobility. We’d rather they downsize before someone falls down the stairs.

Proximity to grandkids. How nice it would be if you could pop over for Sunday night dinner!

Walkability. We’re in a fairly dense/walkable part of NoVa. There are little cottage homes and nice condos with amenities they could buy. They could then spend their days walking to shops and Ubering to the doctors so they don’t have to worry about driving as they age.

And last (not sure they care) we remind them that someone has to downsize their house. It will either be us (we work FT and have 3 young kids) or them, the retirees. They talk about leaving us the house as if this is some huge asset, but odds are it’ll end up being liquified to help pay for eldercare. And it needs so much work it’s not going to get top dollar. We’d really rather they use up their money to have a good quality of life than let their house fall apart, risk falling, stress over maintenance, etc. in the hopes of leaving us some money (we are not hard up so the stress of their stuff isn’t worth it to us).

If anyone else finds something that works, I’ll all ears. This has been a repeat discussion for us with DH’s parents so far …

Let old folks be. There are companies that will clear out the house, once you inherit it, you can get a contractor to spruce up the house before sale and pay out of (higher) sale proceeds. Just because you want things to be optimal for you is not a good reason to for others to bend to your will. Everyone decides based on what's valuable and important for them.

Okay and in the interim MIL’s Parkinson’s will get worse. There is no main level bedroom. FIL will continue to take on all the stress of keeping up a giant 5 bedroom home, not to mention paying ever increasing property taxes, utilities, and maintenance costs that they complain to us about. And I sure hope at least one of them can continue to safely drive because they live in car dependent exurbia.

They are welcome to decide it is important for them to continue to live like this. They cannot expect to be saved from their own choices though.

Are they expecting it though?

The "stress" and complaining is now old folks communicate. They want attention and they get attention by complaining, that's how their generation has been conditioned to socialize. It's all in the eyes of the beholder, no? Whether 5 bedroom house is stressful, taxes (is there ever anyone praising the taxes, by the way? all people complain at some point about that), driving, etc. If the state is not removing their right to drive, who are you to say that they can't?

It's true, some people fall, some people have protracted illnesses and frailty. But some people die w/o long sickness or disability. Nobody knows which one will be which. Why should parents buy into their kid's planning around their doomsday scenario and make decisions to move or sell a house based on that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re in a similar boat with my in laws OP. No luck yet, but we’ve been trying to sell them on:

Less house maintenance (I know they’re tired of constantly fixing roof leaks, replacing appliances, etc. in their generic aging 1980s McMansion that has not been updated in as many decades).

Pending health issues. MIL was recently diagnosed with a progressive disease that affects mobility. We’d rather they downsize before someone falls down the stairs.

Proximity to grandkids. How nice it would be if you could pop over for Sunday night dinner!

Walkability. We’re in a fairly dense/walkable part of NoVa. There are little cottage homes and nice condos with amenities they could buy. They could then spend their days walking to shops and Ubering to the doctors so they don’t have to worry about driving as they age.

And last (not sure they care) we remind them that someone has to downsize their house. It will either be us (we work FT and have 3 young kids) or them, the retirees. They talk about leaving us the house as if this is some huge asset, but odds are it’ll end up being liquified to help pay for eldercare. And it needs so much work it’s not going to get top dollar. We’d really rather they use up their money to have a good quality of life than let their house fall apart, risk falling, stress over maintenance, etc. in the hopes of leaving us some money (we are not hard up so the stress of their stuff isn’t worth it to us).

If anyone else finds something that works, I’ll all ears. This has been a repeat discussion for us with DH’s parents so far …

Let old folks be. There are companies that will clear out the house, once you inherit it, you can get a contractor to spruce up the house before sale and pay out of (higher) sale proceeds. Just because you want things to be optimal for you is not a good reason to for others to bend to your will. Everyone decides based on what's valuable and important for them.

Okay and in the interim MIL’s Parkinson’s will get worse. There is no main level bedroom. FIL will continue to take on all the stress of keeping up a giant 5 bedroom home, not to mention paying ever increasing property taxes, utilities, and maintenance costs that they complain to us about. And I sure hope at least one of them can continue to safely drive because they live in car dependent exurbia.

They are welcome to decide it is important for them to continue to live like this. They cannot expect to be saved from their own choices though.

Are they expecting it though?

The "stress" and complaining is now old folks communicate. They want attention and they get attention by complaining, that's how their generation has been conditioned to socialize. It's all in the eyes of the beholder, no? Whether 5 bedroom house is stressful, taxes (is there ever anyone praising the taxes, by the way? all people complain at some point about that), driving, etc. If the state is not removing their right to drive, who are you to say that they can't?

It's true, some people fall, some people have protracted illnesses and frailty. But some people die w/o long sickness or disability. Nobody knows which one will be which. Why should parents buy into their kid's planning around their doomsday scenario and make decisions to move or sell a house based on that?

They won't admit they're expecting it, but they are.

Having no plans = making other people your plan.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are nearing retirement age (65-67) and have a large 2-level home in a suburb of a major west coast city. It is paid off and we are contemplating when to renovate to age in place or downsize to a one-story. We crunched the numbers and we would take a big hit in capital gains taxes if we sold and get much less house. Our location is very convenient, within 15-20 minutes of anywhere we need to go but it would have to be by car since mass transit is bad. Two major medical centers are nearby, the weather is mild, and there is plenty to do in our free time. Our only son is now in DC and will probably be there for a little while. We can't imagine moving near to him without knowing if he will be there permanently. Maybe the next few years will bring us more clarity.

[Anonymous]

First thing is to convince them that they need to do some paring down. They have too much stuff and they should understand that the “kids” don’t want most of it.

I think a lot of times older folks stay in their homes because the idea of having to get rid of all of that stuff is overwhelming to them. I know of one instance where an adult child found evidence of a mouse in one of their parent’s spare bedrooms and that lit a spark to get the house pared down. I’m pretty sure that the “mouse” in question was pure fiction but that little white lie got the whole process going,

[Anonymous]

We will be turning 60 soon and we’re going to take care of getting rid of our own excess stuff and we’ll be downsizing into a smaller house in an area that is close to the things that we need. I told my husband that we are NOT leaving that chore to our kids to do for us.

[Anonymous]

I would start drawing back on the logistical support you currently provide, especially with the home maintenance, to give them a reality check. Next time they need something, delay.