Dealing w/aftermath of unfaithful husband and family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You weren't wrong to tell them. You needed and deserve support.

They're upset with him and should be. As long as they are being civil who cares.

You want them to continue a fantasy that everything is fine to make it easier for you to continue your fantasy. .

The reality is he cheated and caused pain and they don't have to like his mand they can view him differently and that's part of his consequences.
It's not your job to save him from his consequences.

You're wasting energy on this so as not to deal with the husband problem.

And y dear you have a big husband problem.
You have chosen to stay but you say he isn't remorseful and doesn't care what people think.

Those are big red flags that he will leave you abruptly and not be kind about support.

So you need to protect yourself. Figure out how you can support yourself. Can your take some certifications online so your knowledge in your field is current? Can you squirrel away some money in a separate account?

Do you have a place you and the kids can stay? I mean this seriously.op this man is not someone to blindly trust that he'll stay until the kids are out of the house.

Also suggest counseling for you. It's pointless for him as he sounds like a narcissist.

Yes to this!

Not your job to protect him from consequences of his own actions!

Take this time to put some money away, take concrete steps quickly to return to work or revive your career, get advice from a lawyer on where you would stand in a divorce, and build your support network. Hopefully you won't need this, but you have to be realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been unfaithful. I went to my family for support (didn't share details, but they got the gist). They have all been supportive of my decision to stay until the kids are older. However, it's obvious they don't care for him. I know they are all trying to act normal around him, but the relationship will never be the same. I'm starting to wish I never shared anything with them, but needed their support at the time..feeling stuck.

Why are you staying?
IF you say the "kids" then you are an idiot.

No kids are not better off when parents stay together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you wanted choices you needed to have the self control to keep your mouth shut. Once you blab reconciliation and saving the marriage goes bye bye. Now it’s dead man walking.

Yep. No guy wants to end up like Bill Clinton. He looks like the life has been sucked out of him. They want to be like Trump .. divorced married to a better woman and the kids in good shape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you wanted choices you needed to have the self control to keep your mouth shut. Once you blab reconciliation and saving the marriage goes bye bye. Now it’s dead man walking.

Yep. No guy wants to end up like Bill Clinton. He looks like the life has been sucked out of him. They want to be like Trump .. divorced married to a better woman and the kids in good shape.

Losers. It's not the betrayed spouse's job to bury the cheater's deeds and lie and fake smile to everyone. If they didn't want people to know what they are: a liar and a cheater, well--then they shouldn't cheat. Cheaters really hate when people find out their true colors. It's like turning the lights on a cockroach---they scatter around and blame everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you wanted choices you needed to have the self control to keep your mouth shut. Once you blab reconciliation and saving the marriage goes bye bye. Now it’s dead man walking.

Yep. No guy wants to end up like Bill Clinton. He looks like the life has been sucked out of him. They want to be like Trump .. divorced married to a better woman and the kids in good shape.

Losers. It's not the betrayed spouse's job to bury the cheater's deeds and lie and fake smile to everyone. If they didn't want people to know what they are: a liar and a cheater, well--then they shouldn't cheat. Cheaters really hate when people find out their true colors. It's like turning the lights on a cockroach---they scatter around and blame everyone else.

Clinton lost respect because he was caught in lie upon lie while continuing to disparage the women he cheated with. People lost respect at how dumb the whole thing was.

He looks that way because the entire fiasco completely tarnished his reputation and legacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you wanted choices you needed to have the self control to keep your mouth shut. Once you blab reconciliation and saving the marriage goes bye bye. Now it’s dead man walking.

Yep. No guy wants to end up like Bill Clinton. He looks like the life has been sucked out of him. They want to be like Trump .. divorced married to a better woman and the kids in good shape.

Losers. It's not the betrayed spouse's job to bury the cheater's deeds and lie and fake smile to everyone. If they didn't want people to know what they are: a liar and a cheater, well--then they shouldn't cheat. Cheaters really hate when people find out their true colors. It's like turning the lights on a cockroach---they scatter around and blame everyone else.

Clinton lost respect because he was caught in lie upon lie while continuing to disparage the women he cheated with. People lost respect at how dumb the whole thing was.

He looks that way because the entire fiasco completely tarnished his reputation and legacy.

Yep . Trump doesn’t BS. He trades in for better takes care of everybody and doesn’t try to pretend he’s something he’s not. He wins through proudly admitting what others are afraid to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you wanted choices you needed to have the self control to keep your mouth shut. Once you blab reconciliation and saving the marriage goes bye bye. Now it’s dead man walking.

Yep. No guy wants to end up like Bill Clinton. He looks like the life has been sucked out of him. They want to be like Trump .. divorced married to a better woman and the kids in good shape.

Losers. It's not the betrayed spouse's job to bury the cheater's deeds and lie and fake smile to everyone. If they didn't want people to know what they are: a liar and a cheater, well--then they shouldn't cheat. Cheaters really hate when people find out their true colors. It's like turning the lights on a cockroach---they scatter around and blame everyone else.

Absolutely not. It’s the man’s job to come clean, divorce his wife make sure his kids are provided for and marry a better more suited to him. If he does that his life will be better and he will show his kids there is always a way to improve your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you wanted choices you needed to have the self control to keep your mouth shut. Once you blab reconciliation and saving the marriage goes bye bye. Now it’s dead man walking.

Yep. No guy wants to end up like Bill Clinton. He looks like the life has been sucked out of him. They want to be like Trump .. divorced married to a better woman and the kids in good shape.

Why didn't Bill Clinton divorce Hillary then?

Instead he's cheated with half of NYC while "running" the foundation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cordial is probably more than I could handle in this situation, so good for them.

I'd also struggle not to be disappointed in my child staying with this person, which would be much harder.

I have a schitzophrenic and HFA spouse; it all hit the fan during Kid 2 pregnancy. He's unmasked and verbally sparred with my father and my mother. Family courts and lawyer consults don't care, he'd get 50/50 and he'd take it for ego and image purposes.

But he's nuts. Coparenting with a lunatic workaholic who thinks parenting and homeownership is the easiest thing ever because it means doing nothing, is also nuts.

I don't kiss his butt but my side of the family kind of does. Because whatever happens, he takes it out on me. He actually believes my own parents hate me, and I'm the bad guy.

I literally had each of my parents write him a letter and notarize it 2 years ago spelling out the truth of what they actually thought about him and spelling out his episodes HE did in front of them. They included photos of things he lied about not doing or knowing about too. A lawyer will give that to him upon the second survivor's death, and will give a copy to the children once they are over age 21, upon request. I have 8 years of digital files, videos, voice recordings, photos, log books, as well saved off premis. Lawyers have reviewed, it would not result in even supervied visitation, given he has a white collar job and can provide shelter, food, and clothing to kids.

[Anonymous]

At most the court would order another neuropsych and an anger management class and a parenting class.

We've already tried all three, he didn't put any effort into it.

next up, the therapist told him to do a 12 month DBT program. he refuses, he's too busy and important and would rather sleep after work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you wanted choices you needed to have the self control to keep your mouth shut. Once you blab reconciliation and saving the marriage goes bye bye. Now it’s dead man walking.

Yep. No guy wants to end up like Bill Clinton. He looks like the life has been sucked out of him. They want to be like Trump .. divorced married to a better woman and the kids in good shape.

Losers. It's not the betrayed spouse's job to bury the cheater's deeds and lie and fake smile to everyone. If they didn't want people to know what they are: a liar and a cheater, well--then they shouldn't cheat. Cheaters really hate when people find out their true colors. It's like turning the lights on a cockroach---they scatter around and blame everyone else.

The women that stay with them are also losers. Everyone looks at them with pity when they walk into the room. They are also showing their true colors.

It's hard to put the toothpaste back in - for either side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t beat yourself up. You need support, too.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not stay for the kids. It’ll be easier on them the younger they are.

Stop judging her decision. It doesn’t matter what you would do, not your marriage / home / kids / finances / future.

I know a woman who is staying for the kids. It is 5 years later and she is miserable. Anxiety, anger, health issues are part of her daily life. He has moved on. He doesn't love her anymore. When I ask her why doesn't she let him go, she says it's for the kids. I'm pretty sure her anger, etc is hurting the kids way more than a divorce would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not stay for the kids. It’ll be easier on them the younger they are.

Stop judging her decision. It doesn’t matter what you would do, not your marriage / home / kids / finances / future.

I know a woman who is staying for the kids. It is 5 years later and she is miserable. Anxiety, anger, health issues are part of her daily life. He has moved on. He doesn't love her anymore. When I ask her why doesn't she let him go, she says it's for the kids. I'm pretty sure her anger, etc is hurting the kids way more than a divorce would.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you wanted choices you needed to have the self control to keep your mouth shut. Once you blab reconciliation and saving the marriage goes bye bye. Now it’s dead man walking.

Yep. No guy wants to end up like Bill Clinton. He looks like the life has been sucked out of him. They want to be like Trump .. divorced married to a better woman and the kids in good shape.

Losers. It's not the betrayed spouse's job to bury the cheater's deeds and lie and fake smile to everyone. If they didn't want people to know what they are: a liar and a cheater, well--then they shouldn't cheat. Cheaters really hate when people find out their true colors. It's like turning the lights on a cockroach---they scatter around and blame everyone else.

The women that stay with them are also losers. Everyone looks at them with pity when they walk into the room. They are also showing their true colors.

It's hard to put the toothpaste back in - for either side.

Oh come on- most people don’t disclose infidelity in a marriage. Some of the happiest couples you see out there, if they have been married a very long time have been through it at some point. You’d really be shocked. And another half doesn’t even know it did occur in their marriage.