Dealing w/aftermath of unfaithful husband and family

[Anonymous]

What kind of example are you setting for your children?

If you have boys you are teaching them its ok to treat women and wives like this.

If you have girls you are teaching them that this behavior is ok and it's fine if your husband doesnt respect them.

And all because you don't want to get a job? What a joke. Terrible parenting 101.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathize with you. When I was in your shoes, the people I most desperately wanted to confide in were the people who loved my husband the most, who would definitely not hold it against him. I ignored that impulse because I didn’t want to cause my husband’s family any pain. I love them.

We are divorcing so I have shared some details with my own family. While I’m glad they are polite to STBX and my children don’t have to witness any hostility, I’ll admit that I’m disappointed that they are just as warm and welcoming to him as ever. I wish they were merely cordial. He should face consequences, but no, he never will.

[Anonymous]

1) I agree with the advice not to beat yourself up. I don’t even think it was necessarily a mistake. You can never know the counterfactual, and it’s very possible you made the decision that had the best outcome.

2) Why don’t you like that they see him differently? Is it because you feel awkward when you’re all together? Because you feel like they’re judging you? Or because you feel bad for your husband? Don’t feel bad for your husband; when you break someone you have to suffer the consequences of how they choose to deal with the harm. Your husband is a grown man and can deal with people being a little weird around him.

3) I think it’s fine to stay for the money but you do need to protect yourself financially. I know getting a job while you’re dealing with a resume gap and age discrimination (which everyone who says “get a job!” Seems to forget about), but there are options and finding something might make you happier, even independent of the income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been unfaithful. I went to my family for support (didn't share details, but they got the gist). They have all been supportive of my decision to stay until the kids are older. However, it's obvious they don't care for him. I know they are all trying to act normal around him, but the relationship will never be the same. I'm starting to wish I never shared anything with them, but needed their support at the time..feeling stuck.

Did you expect them not to have any feelings about it? The good news is they are trying to act normal (not everyone would be willing to even be cordial) and he doesn't even care. So, you're the only one upset about this and it pales in the face of everything else you are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^

My opinion would be different if you said you are going to stay and work on your marriage.

Dude, takes two to do that not one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been unfaithful. I went to my family for support (didn't share details, but they got the gist). They have all been supportive of my decision to stay until the kids are older. However, it's obvious they don't care for him. I know they are all trying to act normal around him, but the relationship will never be the same. I'm starting to wish I never shared anything with them, but needed their support at the time..feeling stuck.

Did you expect them not to have any feelings about it? The good news is they are trying to act normal (not everyone would be willing to even be cordial) and he doesn't even care. So, you're the only one upset about this and it pales in the face of everything else you are dealing with.

I think you are onto something.
Maybe OP wants him to be in anguish about this, because it's his fault, but since he isn't it makes it awkward. Like he has no remorse. But that is par for a cheater soo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I hope you are planning to get a job. You already know your husband is unfaithful and now he knows you'll put up with it so he will continue to cheat. You need to set yourself up for the future in case he decides on a divorce. I know you want to wait because you can't support yourself, but that doesn't mean he has to wait.

This. He may make the decision for you OP, no matter how remorseful he seems now. You can’t depend on anyone for your livelihood but yourself. You need to get a job.

[Anonymous]

You weren't wrong to tell them. You needed and deserve support.

They're upset with him and should be. As long as they are being civil who cares.

You want them to continue a fantasy that everything is fine to make it easier for you to continue your fantasy. .

The reality is he cheated and caused pain and they don't have to like his mand they can view him differently and that's part of his consequences.
It's not your job to save him from his consequences.

You're wasting energy on this so as not to deal with the husband problem.

And y dear you have a big husband problem.
You have chosen to stay but you say he isn't remorseful and doesn't care what people think.

Those are big red flags that he will leave you abruptly and not be kind about support.

So you need to protect yourself. Figure out how you can support yourself. Can your take some certifications online so your knowledge in your field is current? Can you squirrel away some money in a separate account?

Do you have a place you and the kids can stay? I mean this seriously.op this man is not someone to blindly trust that he'll stay until the kids are out of the house.

Also suggest counseling for you. It's pointless for him as he sounds like a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You weren't wrong to tell them. You needed and deserve support.

They're upset with him and should be. As long as they are being civil who cares.

You want them to continue a fantasy that everything is fine to make it easier for you to continue your fantasy. .

The reality is he cheated and caused pain and they don't have to like his mand they can view him differently and that's part of his consequences.
It's not your job to save him from his consequences.

You're wasting energy on this so as not to deal with the husband problem.

And y dear you have a big husband problem.
You have chosen to stay but you say he isn't remorseful and doesn't care what people think.

Those are big red flags that he will leave you abruptly and not be kind about support.

So you need to protect yourself. Figure out how you can support yourself. Can your take some certifications online so your knowledge in your field is current? Can you squirrel away some money in a separate account?

Do you have a place you and the kids can stay? I mean this seriously.op this man is not someone to blindly trust that he'll stay until the kids are out of the house.

Also suggest counseling for you. It's pointless for him as he sounds like a narcissist.

Oh this comment is so good.

[Anonymous]

Why are so many people assuming that OP is jobless? there is nothing at all about this, for all you know she may be gainfully employed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many people assuming that OP is jobless? there is nothing at all about this, for all you know she may be gainfully employed.

I was going off this comment on a previous page, though it doesnt specifically identify as OP she sounds like she is replying as such.

"But, we have been married almost 20 years and built a life together. I gave up my career to raise our family and cannot live on alimony right now. "

[Anonymous]

Maybe approach this from a very practical level. Your relationship with your husband is fundamentally changed, and even if you stay married, that is going to be the case. Your family knows the situation, and it is difficult in those circumstances for it not to affect their demeanor with him.
The most straightforward approach would be to avoid situations where you are putting them together. You and kids can do your own interactions with family, and husband doesn't have to attend. This may not be "typical" but people do that for all kinds of reasons, not just your particular situation, and stops the charade of pretending everything is "typical" because it's not.

[Anonymous]

Op I love your family for how they’re treating him. Cordial is enough.

[Anonymous]

Cordial is probably more than I could handle in this situation, so good for them.

I'd also struggle not to be disappointed in my child staying with this person, which would be much harder.

[Anonymous]

If you wanted choices you needed to have the self control to keep your mouth shut. Once you blab reconciliation and saving the marriage goes bye bye. Now it’s dead man walking.