Dealing w/aftermath of unfaithful husband and family

[Anonymous]

My DH has been unfaithful. I went to my family for support (didn't share details, but they got the gist). They have all been supportive of my decision to stay until the kids are older. However, it's obvious they don't care for him. I know they are all trying to act normal around him, but the relationship will never be the same. I'm starting to wish I never shared anything with them, but needed their support at the time..feeling stuck.

[Anonymous]

It's water under the bridge and something you can no longer control.

Does he know that you know and that they know?

[Anonymous]

What is your plan? Are you going to divorce him?

[Anonymous]

I would not stay for the kids. It’ll be easier on them the younger they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not stay for the kids. It’ll be easier on them the younger they are.

Stop judging her decision. It doesn’t matter what you would do, not your marriage / home / kids / finances / future.

[Anonymous]

Don’t beat yourself up. You need support, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been unfaithful. I went to my family for support (didn't share details, but they got the gist). They have all been supportive of my decision to stay until the kids are older. However, it's obvious they don't care for him. I know they are all trying to act normal around him, but the relationship will never be the same. I'm starting to wish I never shared anything with them, but needed their support at the time..feeling stuck.

My family judges me for divorcing even though the same thing happened to me and worse. I would say even more because I have had to come to them to ask for money. They now judge me for picking wrong and for the money. They just like judging. Live your life on your terms. You don't have to please them all the time.

[Anonymous]

So tell them how you feel.

My friend was in a similar situation and she finally told us the truth about what was going on and then once she decide to stay with him she asked that we not hate him. We never liked him but we have tolerated him ever since and never said a bad word about him to her, because her feelings are what we care about and this is what she needs from us.

[Anonymous]

I was your family in this circumstance. None of us were hostile to now ex BIL but none of us went out of our way to be nice to him either. We were cordial but it absolutely changed the dynamic of family get togethers. Are you particularly close to a parent or sibling? I'd be honest with them about how you are feeling now.

[Anonymous]

Accept that your family is never going to like him again. The bigger question is how is your H going to deal with being treated with barely polite hostility for years to come. He deserves it, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be defensive and blame everyone else but himself.

[Anonymous]

This is when it is good to go to a therapist. To vent. For fixing problems not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not stay for the kids. It’ll be easier on them the younger they are.

Stop judging her decision. It doesn’t matter what you would do, not your marriage / home / kids / finances / future.

Thanks - this is exactly why I only told family and not friends. I know they would all tell me to leave him immediately. But, we have been married almost 20 years and built a life together. I gave up my career to raise our family and cannot live on alimony right now. There are lots of reasons for my decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's water under the bridge and something you can no longer control.

Does he know that you know and that they know?

He's aware that my parents know he's been unfaithful. My DH has this ability to literally block out feelings and completely ignore reality. So, to him everything is just fine..

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I did not tell anyone (except a counselor) that I was leaving until I actually started taking steps to separate, for precisely this reason. Even then, I did not talk about any specifics of husband's infidelity. While you can't undo having said something, maybe try a heart to heart with family to explain that many people do stay, you told them because you needed the support at the time, and you now need their support and space now as you continue to process what is the best path forward for your family. I also set the tone with my family that I still loved and respected him as a human being with whom I had built a life, even if we were separating, and I feel that made a difference. You should only leave after you have had a chance to really process what that means, not to save face with family or avoid awkwardness.

I found the book "Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On--Together or Apart" very helpful. In my case, he wasn't willing to work through the exercises in it with me, but I went through them on my own.

[Anonymous]

By "stay until the kids are older", are you still in a romantic relationship with him? Physical?

If you are just biding your time, why do you care what your family thinks of him?

I'd become roomates.