Dealing w/aftermath of unfaithful husband and family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I did not tell anyone (except a counselor) that I was leaving until I actually started taking steps to separate, for precisely this reason. Even then, I did not talk about any specifics of husband's infidelity. While you can't undo having said something, maybe try a heart to heart with family to explain that many people do stay, you told them because you needed the support at the time, and you now need their support and space now as you continue to process what is the best path forward for your family. I also set the tone with my family that I still loved and respected him as a human being with whom I had built a life, even if we were separating, and I feel that made a difference. You should only leave after you have had a chance to really process what that means, not to save face with family or avoid awkwardness.

I found the book "Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On--Together or Apart" very helpful. In my case, he wasn't willing to work through the exercises in it with me, but I went through them on my own.

This is very helpful - thank you. I'll look into the book as well.

to your point - I actually did start taking steps to separate (he was living with his family for a few months). Not until I had the chance to fully process everything, did I decide to stay. But it was pretty difficult to hide what was going on from family given the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I just understand why you would stay with him until the kids are older. Sounds to me you plan to divorce him eventually anyway. Just rip off the bandaid now!

[Anonymous]

^^

My opinion would be different if you said you are going to stay and work on your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just understand why you would stay with him until the kids are older. Sounds to me you plan to divorce him eventually anyway. Just rip off the bandaid now!

She needs his money.

[Anonymous]

Op, I hope you are planning to get a job. You already know your husband is unfaithful and now he knows you'll put up with it so he will continue to cheat. You need to set yourself up for the future in case he decides on a divorce. I know you want to wait because you can't support yourself, but that doesn't mean he has to wait.

[Anonymous]

This is why you don’t share this information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not stay for the kids. It’ll be easier on them the younger they are.

Stop judging her decision. It doesn’t matter what you would do, not your marriage / home / kids / finances / future.

Thanks - this is exactly why I only told family and not friends. I know they would all tell me to leave him immediately. But, we have been married almost 20 years and built a life together. I gave up my career to raise our family and cannot live on alimony right now. There are lots of reasons for my decision.

Totally fair. Ignore snap judgments from people who don’t have to live your consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I hope you are planning to get a job. You already know your husband is unfaithful and now he knows you'll put up with it so he will continue to cheat. You need to set yourself up for the future in case he decides on a divorce. I know you want to wait because you can't support yourself, but that doesn't mean he has to wait.

This is good insight. The least of OP's problems is her family's (understandable) emotions about her lying, cheating DH. The marriage is eventually going to end, it's likely running on fumes. The best course of action is to take action by getting ducks in a row, finding employment, facing facts.

[Anonymous]

If there is any hope for your marriage with true remorse on his part and individual as well as marital counseling, your parents will get over it in time. Assuming he becomes a good husband and father. If your husband’s way of dealing with conflict is to ignore, gaslight and keep on keeping on, I would stay to get my career and finances in place for a divorce. Money is what is key here- children suffer and survive from divorce at all ages- there is no magic time that is better to divorce, notwithstanding finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just understand why you would stay with him until the kids are older. Sounds to me you plan to divorce him eventually anyway. Just rip off the bandaid now!

She needs his money.

Nowhere does it say she doesn’t work. A lot of people don’t want to deal with custody and having kids go back and forth between 2 homes or only see them every other holiday or weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not stay for the kids. It’ll be easier on them the younger they are.

Stop judging her decision. It doesn’t matter what you would do, not your marriage / home / kids / finances / future.

Thanks - this is exactly why I only told family and not friends. I know they would all tell me to leave him immediately. But, we have been married almost 20 years and built a life together. I gave up my career to raise our family and cannot live on alimony right now. There are lots of reasons for my decision.

You'd really rather stay in a bad marriage with a cheater than get a job???




Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just understand why you would stay with him until the kids are older. Sounds to me you plan to divorce him eventually anyway. Just rip off the bandaid now!

She needs his money.

Nowhere does it say she doesn’t work. A lot of people don’t want to deal with custody and having kids go back and forth between 2 homes or only see them every other holiday or weekend.

Maybe you should read the thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been unfaithful. I went to my family for support (didn't share details, but they got the gist). They have all been supportive of my decision to stay until the kids are older. However, it's obvious they don't care for him. I know they are all trying to act normal around him, but the relationship will never be the same. I'm starting to wish I never shared anything with them, but needed their support at the time..feeling stuck.

They're trying. Did you expect them to be able to compartmentalize/block it like your husband does?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t beat yourself up. You need support, too.

This

I have a handful of friends whose parents hate their spouses - cheating military guy, abusive aspie exec, gambling addict.

You gotta do what you gotta do

My mom is however, starting an arsenic company. FYI.

[Anonymous]

OP, what did you expect them to do with the information? They want to support you, but are not so close that they have to be sunshine and puppies with him while it all goes down. They can support your decision, while still disliking him, and his behaviour.

You can ask them to not treat him rudely, but as soon as you shared your information, it was in their hands to make their decisions about him.