Have you ever gone on vacation with another family and left feeling deflated and inferior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you enjoy vacations with just your own family/kids at this point?

I do though they don't happen much anymore since they are all adults. I was thinking maybe we should try a family vacation just our family to see how it goes. My husband likes the idea a lot. My kids are very independent and I realized in looking at those other adult kids, they seem to be much more dependent on the parents and very compliant. Whatever the parents said is pretty much what they did. I guess I am just not used to that.

Yes, it just sounds like your family dynamics and personalities are different from the others on the trip. Not wrong or bad, just you guys were the odd ones out.

Consider this: what if the other adult kids on the trip had been like your kids -- skipping some group meals and doing their own thing some of the time, choosing to go on their own rather than hanging out with you and your friends? Would the trip have been terrible? I'm guessing no, just different. The older generation would have had more time to hang out together (which makes sense since you all are friends) and the younger generation would have been more independent and done their own thing more. It sounds fine.

The only problem here is that you vacationed with multiple families who had a specific dynamic and your family has a different dynamic. It doesn't make your family wrong. No one is wrong. It's just a different vibe.

Vacationing with other people is hard and this is why many of us are wary of it generally -- we rarely vacation with other families because you always risk this issue and I don't want to go to a lot of trouble and expense to have a vacation that winds up not being fun or relaxing because it's not a good fit.

[Anonymous]

It can be hard. Now imagine marrying into a functional family and looking back on your painful childhood and forward to your future encounters with your origin family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the hell would adult children with their own fiancés want to spend vacation time with their parents’ friends and their children? I thought you were going to be telling a story about ten year olds and tweens not being into it. Your children are adults and surely would prefer to pick who they vacation with. I would have been surly too, if I was being asked to spend all my meals with other random adults I was not friends with. What were the circumstances of your kids coming? Did you ask as them to do you a favor where you would pay for it? And they didn’t realize how much of it would be spending time as a big group with the other families?

The whole thing just seems utterly bizarre that 31 year old children would be part of a “families” vacation organized by the parent generation

This is harsh but was my reaction as well. Families traveling with kids in their 20s and late 20s at that it sounds like?

Your adult children apparently don’t like the other adults. So as adults they should feel free to politely decline and not spend time with them. As long a they weren't rude I don’t see what the problem is. That doesn’t sound dysfunctional.

I agree with this. I think it's nice when families with adult kids still vacation together, but what OP describes sounds weird to me. Most people in their 20s are not eager to spend a week skiing with their parents friends and their parents' friends' adult kids. They have their own friends and generally can (and would prefer to) do something like that with them. Even if they know the parents' friends' kids.

I wonder if maybe the other kids had something in common (similar colleges, professions, hobbies, etc.) and OP's kids didn't have this in common and therefore were less interested in hanging out? Or I also wonder if there was something else going on, like maybe some actual bad blood between OP's kids and some of the other kids there, and the other kids were the sort to be very good at pretending everything is fine and OP's kids are more the kind to show their emotions.

what is "weird" exactly? We know so many who do this, we moved to NY 12 years ago and this is common in our area. We have done it with other families as well, this was the first time with this particular group however. The commonality, there might have been a smidgeon with the other two families' kids but not a lot.
My kids thought some of those kids were phonies, they thought they laughed at every joke, were overly polite (not a bad thing in my book) but my judgmental kids felt it was not genuine and thought the whole thing was just phony. No bad blood but different types of kids. My kids good or not, are not one to pretend or placate. So I guess I chalk this up to lesson learned and different strokes for different folks!

No, OP, you're wrong here. It's not normal to plan a multi-families vacation where all the younger generation are adults, and where they aren't already regular-see-the-families-all-the-time friends.

Sure, it is very normal for families who have been very close for 20 years to do annual vacations like this, where the families have been vacationing together for 20 years - so it is seamless for the adult kids to continue vacationing with their parents and the other adult children.

But you're describing adult children who have never had this relationship with the other kids. They know them for years, but aren't hanging out with them in this kind of setting for years. It is totally bizarre to expect those adult kids to spend their vacation, and be happy about it, with these other random families.

Growing up, my parents had tons of good friends who were like aunts and uncles to us, and their kids like cousins. So many good memories of summer bbqs, sleepovers, ski trips etc, and spending lots of time with those other kids when I was a kid. But by the time I was 20? No thanks! I met my husband and started my own life. I still am happy to see my parents or my sister on vacation. But if would be weird as hell to be asked to spend my vacation with those kids from my childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP did say the adult kids have known each other and are friends. This is probably a family friend child situation from childhood pushed out to adult children. Still though many times those friendships are like cousins. A bit forced and sometimes they click genuinely and sometimes not.

But to answer your question OP yes I’ve been on a group vacation and felt bad about my family and I didn’t go with those people again.

OP here yes kind of like that. Known each other a long time, have grown into different people. I will admit my kids are not the easy going type, they have strong opinions and can even be judgmental at times. I guess in light of seeing the interactions of the other two families, it made me feel like mine was just not jiving and going along with things easily. I mean for 4 days, they could have been a little more flexible (my kids) and did it for us? I don't know maybe my expectations are too high given that they are now adults

Bottom line I probably won't do that again. Might work for some but not for others. Vacations are meant to relax and rejuvenate not leave even more stressed then when you arrive!

My answer still stands that it is bizarre to do a "families" vacation with grown adult children.

The equivalent would be if OP's children planned a vacation where they each brought a friend whom they've known since childhood, and the friend brought their parents. But while OP 'knows' the parents from having seen them at PTA meetings or sports events 10+ years ago, the OP has never been direct friends with these other parents and would never in 25 years have made an effort to see these other parents directly.

Does that sound like a fun vacation to OP? If you're OP, do you want to have to spend all of your time on that vacation hanging out with your kids' friends and their parents who you 'know' but aren't friends with?

I can't believe people think this is normal.

I think you re the one with the issue. I know plenty of people who do this, both American and from other countries, its more common than you think.

When you aren't trying to marry the kids off to each other?
When the children aren't socially developmentally delayed and lacking any of their ownr friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your kids friends with each other? Do they see each other often? I ask because I married into a family like the functional ones on your trip you are jealous of and my husband and his siblings are genuinely friends and also live far apart. They enjoy spending time together and together with their parents. I wish I knew what the magic formula is to make that happen, but I’m an only child with parents who bicker all the time. I stopped inviting my parents on trips with my husband’s family because I am constantly making excuses for them and managing my mom’s jealousy over how much fun and how easy and comfortable his family is and how I’m part of that now.

It sounded like the 3 families have all known each other for many years and vacationed together in childhood.

Now they all went on a ski trip with SOs and OPs adult kids kept No Showing at things.

Just ask them in a week or so individually what was going on there.

Maybe all the adult children have taken different paths in college or afterwards and it’s better to just meet up at a local BBQ than a weekend trip. I dunno.

My family grew up traveling with cousins or family friends and now we’ve all stood up in each others weddings, are each others kids god parents and see each other 1-2 times a year when in town visiting our folks. All different jobs, incomes but same values. Now we’re attending each others parents funerals (75-80 yos) and supporting each other that way. We “kids have now known each other since birth, or 45 years. Like a distant sibling. Tons of shared memories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your family is the normal and well adjusted family. Your kids know themselves and act accordingly. At that age, they don't need your approval. You've raised them well.

The other families (especially the adult children!) are doing some ingrained performative bullshit. Country Club families are full of this culture. It's weird!

This is quite the projection and leap.

Yeah, the people who show up for the lunch or dinner plans are all faking it. Sure.

I’d talk with each adult child about this. Solo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would people in their 20s and 30s want to spend time with other families whom they are not friends with, and the only connection is their 50 and 60 something parents? 5his is the worst vacation I’ve heard of in a while.

Two of the husbands are cousins (my husband and one of the other dads).

Sounds like it should have been a laid back fun time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP did say the adult kids have known each other and are friends. This is probably a family friend child situation from childhood pushed out to adult children. Still though many times those friendships are like cousins. A bit forced and sometimes they click genuinely and sometimes not.

But to answer your question OP yes I’ve been on a group vacation and felt bad about my family and I didn’t go with those people again.

OP here yes kind of like that. Known each other a long time, have grown into different people. I will admit my kids are not the easy going type, they have strong opinions and can even be judgmental at times. I guess in light of seeing the interactions of the other two families, it made me feel like mine was just not jiving and going along with things easily. I mean for 4 days, they could have been a little more flexible (my kids) and did it for us? I don't know maybe my expectations are too high given that they are now adults

Bottom line I probably won't do that again. Might work for some but not for others. Vacations are meant to relax and rejuvenate not leave even more stressed then when you arrive!

Go without them next time and enjoy yourself. Be happy for their successes. Everyone is doing their best with what they have.
Your kids are grown, have some fun for yourself and let them have their moods and natural consequences. Go have fun in retirement and with your various friend groups.
Drop the rope on your kids but try to get together a couple times a year and support them how you best can (non $$ support).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your family is the normal and well adjusted family. Your kids know themselves and act accordingly. At that age, they don't need your approval. You've raised them well.

The other families (especially the adult children!) are doing some ingrained performative bullshit. Country Club families are full of this culture. It's weird!


+1
We used to vacation with a family where the kids would always unquestioningly do whatever they were told and my kids were always the “complainers.” Turns out the dad was a total hardass behind closed doors and the kids cooperated so they wouldn’t piss him off. Needless to say we don’t vacation with them anymore.

How hard ass do you have to be about showing up for a meal on a group vacation?

Just communicate ahead of time and do a mix of things. Dont agree and then sulk and mope and No Show like a prick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you enjoy vacations with just your own family/kids at this point?

I do though they don't happen much anymore since they are all adults. I was thinking maybe we should try a family vacation just our family to see how it goes. My husband likes the idea a lot. My kids are very independent and I realized in looking at those other adult kids, they seem to be much more dependent on the parents and very compliant. Whatever the parents said is pretty much what they did. I guess I am just not used to that.

Sounds like loosy goosy let the kids be in charge, versus, cohesive best ideas all-in do it type families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you enjoy vacations with just your own family/kids at this point?

I do though they don't happen much anymore since they are all adults. I was thinking maybe we should try a family vacation just our family to see how it goes. My husband likes the idea a lot. My kids are very independent and I realized in looking at those other adult kids, they seem to be much more dependent on the parents and very compliant. Whatever the parents said is pretty much what they did. I guess I am just not used to that.

Some kids love to complain and do the opposite of what they’re told.
That’s not necessarily more “independent”.

Independent would be proposing a cool new thing to do and seeing who else was in, then doing that. Not being belligerent all weekend on an extended family vacation.

Also, bringing along a SO is a whole bag of tricks in and of itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very common in Europe, adult kids going on vacations and with other families a lot. We see it as normal, but we also have high tolerance for people doing their own thing, they want to join a meal- it’s good, but also
it’s good if they decide they want time with their partners or siblings. Maybe expectations were too high, it goes easier if it’s clear at the beginning everyone has choices

And everywhere in the world in winter break. You see multigenerational tables with tons of adult kids, grandkids, and then the grandparents all having a great time making memories at dinner, in the beach, skiing, shopping about. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the last break we went away for a long ski weekend with 2 other families. Really nice/quality people, both wives and husbands. The kids are various ages from 16-31 (most on the upper end). The older kids came with either a girlfriend or fiancé. We were a large group. We planned a lot of family activities, but my three kids were the least cooperative by far. They came to a few things but would only stay a short while and skipped out on a few dinners, lunches on the slopes etc. It was NOT because of age because my kids (2 girls and 1 boy) all had kids the same age there.

I felt really intimidated because their families if I am to be honest seemed so high functioning, like they were all on the same page, all the time. Their dynamics (both families) seems really in sync. Not something I am used to at least not on a consistent basis. It made me feel kind of sad, a little bit of a failure like why were my kids the only ones not easily cooperating. I cannot say anything about any of the others because truthfully their kids both the younger and older seemed really open to the various events planned, always showed up and seemed to be genuinely happy to be there.

I have to confess, I couldn't wait till it was over because I had a lot fo anxiety over how this made me feel, I was annoyed with my own family for not being more flexible and cooperative and not fault of their own, it just left me feeling really inferior and like I failed somehow.I felt like I was having to make excuses for them and it just made me really uncomfortable. Anyone else ever have this experience?

I appreciate you sharing this. I totally know what you mean, so you're not alone in that. But I also think some families are really, really polished and "on" publicly -- and sometimes that patina isn't so polished and warm behind closed doors. Then again, there are some truly genuinely "perfect" families too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are your kids friends with each other? Do they see each other often? I ask because I married into a family like the functional ones on your trip you are jealous of and my husband and his siblings are genuinely friends and also live far apart. They enjoy spending time together and together with their parents. I wish I knew what the magic formula is to make that happen, but I’m an only child with parents who bicker all the time. I stopped inviting my parents on trips with my husband’s family because I am constantly making excuses for them and managing my mom’s jealousy over how much fun and how easy and comfortable his family is and how I’m part of that now.

It sounded like the 3 families have all known each other for many years and vacationed together in childhood.

Now they all went on a ski trip with SOs and OPs adult kids kept No Showing at things.

Just ask them in a week or so individually what was going on there.

Maybe all the adult children have taken different paths in college or afterwards and it’s better to just meet up at a local BBQ than a weekend trip. I dunno.

My family grew up traveling with cousins or family friends and now we’ve all stood up in each others weddings, are each others kids god parents and see each other 1-2 times a year when in town visiting our folks. All different jobs, incomes but same values. Now we’re attending each others parents funerals (75-80 yos) and supporting each other that way. We “kids have now known each other since birth, or 45 years. Like a distant sibling. Tons of shared memories.

No it doesn't sound like this at all. If they were "vacation together" close as kids, OP would have mentioned it. The way OP described it, the kids have been "friends" for a long time in the sense that they were in each others' periodic orbit as kids, solely because the parents were friends. But none of the kids were friends in the way you describe, like best man in the wedding style.

OP have your kids ever directly contacted, texted, or phoned these kids in their entire lives? Have your kids ever socialized with any of these kids once in their entire lives (other than because the parents were socializing and brought all the kids)?

If OP answers that question the way I think she will, then hopefully it will shut down all the comments suggesting that it's normal for adult children to vacation together. Because i think the commenters are falling into two different buckets: Those who think the kids are truly friends, vs those who think the kids are 'friends' solely by virtue of the parent relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it strange that you're paying for everyone when they're in their 20s. After college, my parents didn't pay for us. We paid our own way.

I will say that my sister often does things like that. She won't show up, she cancels often and does her own thing. For instance if our family was going to tour a castle or a historical site, she'll sit at the coffee shop next door on her computer instead. I know it upsets my parents but they mostly are embarrassed when other people see it. She frequently RSVPs for weddings/baby showers/Thanksgiving dinner type things and then doesn't show. Or doesn't RSVP at all and they track us down to ask.

It's autism and maybe some social anxiety. I've never figured out if she actually was trying to be rude or if she just didn't realize she was being rude (like RSVPing to a wedding and not showing). Whatever it is, it's not my parents' fault. My mom is incredibly well mannered, as am I.

Pls tell her not to rsvp and get counted in the $200 per plate headcount’s then.

Autism or not. She must have been told this by now so it’s in her to keep ignoring that fact.