Have you ever gone on vacation with another family and left feeling deflated and inferior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your family is the normal and well adjusted family. Your kids know themselves and act accordingly. At that age, they don't need your approval. You've raised them well.

The other families (especially the adult children!) are doing some ingrained performative bullshit. Country Club families are full of this culture. It's weird!


+1
We used to vacation with a family where the kids would always unquestioningly do whatever they were told and my kids were always the “complainers.” Turns out the dad was a total hardass behind closed doors and the kids cooperated so they wouldn’t piss him off. Needless to say we don’t vacation with them anymore.

How hard ass do you have to be about showing up for a meal on a group vacation?

Don't think its being hard ass its being an adult with an opinion. If these kids were say 16 or under it would be expected but really.....why should they have to conform to the plans if they don't feel like going? None of us like feeling pigeonholed do we?

Just communicate ahead of time and do a mix of things. Dont agree and then sulk and mope and No Show like a prick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP have your kids ever directly contacted, texted, or phoned these kids in their entire lives? Have your kids ever socialized with any of these kids once in their entire lives (other than because the parents were socializing and brought all the kids)?

OP - this. Answer this and then we can decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are your kids friends with each other? Do they see each other often? I ask because I married into a family like the functional ones on your trip you are jealous of and my husband and his siblings are genuinely friends and also live far apart. They enjoy spending time together and together with their parents. I wish I knew what the magic formula is to make that happen, but I’m an only child with parents who bicker all the time. I stopped inviting my parents on trips with my husband’s family because I am constantly making excuses for them and managing my mom’s jealousy over how much fun and how easy and comfortable his family is and how I’m part of that now.

It sounded like the 3 families have all known each other for many years and vacationed together in childhood.

Now they all went on a ski trip with SOs and OPs adult kids kept No Showing at things.

Just ask them in a week or so individually what was going on there.

Maybe all the adult children have taken different paths in college or afterwards and it’s better to just meet up at a local BBQ than a weekend trip. I dunno.

My family grew up traveling with cousins or family friends and now we’ve all stood up in each others weddings, are each others kids god parents and see each other 1-2 times a year when in town visiting our folks. All different jobs, incomes but same values. Now we’re attending each others parents funerals (75-80 yos) and supporting each other that way. We “kids have now known each other since birth, or 45 years. Like a distant sibling. Tons of shared memories.

No it doesn't sound like this at all. If they were "vacation together" close as kids, OP would have mentioned it. The way OP described it, the kids have been "friends" for a long time in the sense that they were in each others' periodic orbit as kids, solely because the parents were friends. But none of the kids were friends in the way you describe, like best man in the wedding style.

OP have your kids ever directly contacted, texted, or phoned these kids in their entire lives? Have your kids ever socialized with any of these kids once in their entire lives (other than because the parents were socializing and brought all the kids)?

If OP answers that question the way I think she will, then hopefully it will shut down all the comments suggesting that it's normal for adult children to vacation together. Because i think the commenters are falling into two different buckets: Those who think the kids are truly friends, vs those who think the kids are 'friends' solely by virtue of the parent relationships.

Let’s let OP clear it up if they’ve vacationed with their cousins families before.

[Anonymous]

so yes two of the three (of my kids) have either gotten together with or contacted each other in the span of the last 5 years or so. Far and few between but the answer is yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so yes two of the three (of my kids) have either gotten together with or contacted each other in the span of the last 5 years or so. Far and few between but the answer is yes.

Contacted how? Like, pinged on facebook? Once in five years?

But these families never vacationed together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your family is the normal and well adjusted family. Your kids know themselves and act accordingly. At that age, they don't need your approval. You've raised them well.

The other families (especially the adult children!) are doing some ingrained performative bullshit. Country Club families are full of this culture. It's weird!


+1
We used to vacation with a family where the kids would always unquestioningly do whatever they were told and my kids were always the “complainers.” Turns out the dad was a total hardass behind closed doors and the kids cooperated so they wouldn’t piss him off. Needless to say we don’t vacation with them anymore.

How hard ass do you have to be about showing up for a meal on a group vacation?

Don't think its being hard ass its being an adult with an opinion. If these kids were say 16 or under it would be expected but really.....why should they have to conform to the plans if they don't feel like going? None of us like feeling pigeonholed do we?

Just communicate ahead of time and do a mix of things. Dont agree and then sulk and mope and No Show like a prick.

What’s this “feel like going” BS?

The time for that was when responding if you are attending or not. Or when the schedule was getting planned and discussed for the day or weekend.

Basic respectful and courteous: you do what you agreed to do.

Otherwise don’t agree and communicate that ahead of time to the group.

Then no one would be talking about this or OP wouldn’t be feeling bad. It’s truly that simple. Manners.

Communicate, and Be responsible for your decisions and behaviors. That’s adulting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would people in their 20s and 30s want to spend time with other families whom they are not friends with, and the only connection is their 50 and 60 something parents? 5his is the worst vacation I’ve heard of in a while.

Two of the husbands are cousins (my husband and one of the other dads).

Sounds like it should have been a laid back fun time.

Agree. There are times to be leaders and there are times to be followers. No times to be AWOL.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your kids are ungrateful, especially if you footed the bill for the ski vacation. Honestly, if you have adult children and they can't do the minimum of showing up to group meals for a long weekend (not even a whole week!), they have poor manners and/or are just clueless about how to show gratitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you enjoy vacations with just your own family/kids at this point?

I do though they don't happen much anymore since they are all adults. I was thinking maybe we should try a family vacation just our family to see how it goes. My husband likes the idea a lot. My kids are very independent and I realized in looking at those other adult kids, they seem to be much more dependent on the parents and very compliant. Whatever the parents said is pretty much what they did. I guess I am just not used to that.

Some kids love to complain and do the opposite of what they’re told.
That’s not necessarily more “independent”.

Independent would be proposing a cool new thing to do and seeing who else was in, then doing that. Not being belligerent all weekend on an extended family vacation.

Also, bringing along a SO is a whole bag of tricks in and of itself.

Hmm, that doesn't sound independent to me. That sounds like a planner who is a little controlling, and it would annoy me.

To me, independent means someone who prefers to do what they want instead of just going along to get along. I have no problem with someone who decides to go take a shower and rest in their room after skiing, instead of joining everyone in the lodge for board games and snacks. If that's what they'd rather do, why would it bother me? There are times when I might do that too.

Also, why wouldn't an adult in their 20s bring their SO on a week long vacation? I think it's weirder to expect someone that age to NOT bring a SO on a trip like this. Especially when it's apparent that they are not close friends with the another adult kids on the trip. You only get so much vacation time at that age, I would have been nonplussed to spend 5 days of it on a family vacation with other families I was not that close to instead of with the person I was seriously dating at the time. And then what, when I want to go on a trip with my SO in the fall, I'm short on vacation days and we can only do a long weekend? I'd be pretty irritated by that, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you enjoy vacations with just your own family/kids at this point?

I do though they don't happen much anymore since they are all adults. I was thinking maybe we should try a family vacation just our family to see how it goes. My husband likes the idea a lot. My kids are very independent and I realized in looking at those other adult kids, they seem to be much more dependent on the parents and very compliant. Whatever the parents said is pretty much what they did. I guess I am just not used to that.

Some kids love to complain and do the opposite of what they’re told.
That’s not necessarily more “independent”.

Independent would be proposing a cool new thing to do and seeing who else was in, then doing that. Not being belligerent all weekend on an extended family vacation.

Also, bringing along a SO is a whole bag of tricks in and of itself.

Hmm, that doesn't sound independent to me. That sounds like a planner who is a little controlling, and it would annoy me.

To me, independent means someone who prefers to do what they want instead of just going along to get along. I have no problem with someone who decides to go take a shower and rest in their room after skiing, instead of joining everyone in the lodge for board games and snacks. If that's what they'd rather do, why would it bother me? There are times when I might do that too.

Also, why wouldn't an adult in their 20s bring their SO on a week long vacation? I think it's weirder to expect someone that age to NOT bring a SO on a trip like this. Especially when it's apparent that they are not close friends with the another adult kids on the trip. You only get so much vacation time at that age, I would have been nonplussed to spend 5 days of it on a family vacation with other families I was not that close to instead of with the person I was seriously dating at the time. And then what, when I want to go on a trip with my SO in the fall, I'm short on vacation days and we can only do a long weekend? I'd be pretty irritated by that, actually.

to the poster above, correct on all. They were not purposely being mean or spiteful they just literally did not want to do some of the activities, (lunches, dinners) they did do some though.
We went to an indoor place where they had all these sports activities, they only joined us once or twice where the others mostly were there (at least more of the time). Yes they are independent and are independent thinkers. A lot of the planning was done somewhat last minute, dinners were planned ahead of time. Yes bringing the SO was important for them and we had no issues with it. I think as I have done this post it boils down to different family dynamics. My kids are true free thinkers, we raised them that way. So to them, they did nothing wrong.
The other kids of the other 2 families are. much more obedient (if that's the right word), compliant and generally more laid back. Who knows what they told their parents after some of the dinners? Maybe they really let into them the way 2 of mine did. I have no idea. I do know I learned a few good lessons. Won't likely do a big family trip with other families again. I will do a better job of outline the loose game plan ahead of time with them so I do not have false expectations. And will likely just keep the socializing to the sets of two parents who we like very much and refrain from extended family get togethers. For all I know, they had some gripes and frustrations too (arguments behind the scenes, etc...), maybe just did a better job of hiding it. Lesson learned! Thanks to all who chimed in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you enjoy vacations with just your own family/kids at this point?

I do though they don't happen much anymore since they are all adults. I was thinking maybe we should try a family vacation just our family to see how it goes. My husband likes the idea a lot. My kids are very independent and I realized in looking at those other adult kids, they seem to be much more dependent on the parents and very compliant. Whatever the parents said is pretty much what they did. I guess I am just not used to that.

Some kids love to complain and do the opposite of what they’re told.
That’s not necessarily more “independent”.

Independent would be proposing a cool new thing to do and seeing who else was in, then doing that. Not being belligerent all weekend on an extended family vacation.

Also, bringing along a SO is a whole bag of tricks in and of itself.

Hmm, that doesn't sound independent to me. That sounds like a planner who is a little controlling, and it would annoy me.

To me, independent means someone who prefers to do what they want instead of just going along to get along. I have no problem with someone who decides to go take a shower and rest in their room after skiing, instead of joining everyone in the lodge for board games and snacks. If that's what they'd rather do, why would it bother me? There are times when I might do that too.

Also, why wouldn't an adult in their 20s bring their SO on a week long vacation? I think it's weirder to expect someone that age to NOT bring a SO on a trip like this. Especially when it's apparent that they are not close friends with the another adult kids on the trip. You only get so much vacation time at that age, I would have been nonplussed to spend 5 days of it on a family vacation with other families I was not that close to instead of with the person I was seriously dating at the time. And then what, when I want to go on a trip with my SO in the fall, I'm short on vacation days and we can only do a long weekend? I'd be pretty irritated by that, actually.

to the poster above, correct on all. They were not purposely being mean or spiteful they just literally did not want to do some of the activities, (lunches, dinners) they did do some though.
We went to an indoor place where they had all these sports activities, they only joined us once or twice where the others mostly were there (at least more of the time). Yes they are independent and are independent thinkers. A lot of the planning was done somewhat last minute, dinners were planned ahead of time. Yes bringing the SO was important for them and we had no issues with it. I think as I have done this post it boils down to different family dynamics. My kids are true free thinkers, we raised them that way. So to them, they did nothing wrong.
The other kids of the other 2 families are. much more obedient (if that's the right word), compliant and generally more laid back. Who knows what they told their parents after some of the dinners? Maybe they really let into them the way 2 of mine did. I have no idea. I do know I learned a few good lessons. Won't likely do a big family trip with other families again. I will do a better job of outline the loose game plan ahead of time with them so I do not have false expectations. And will likely just keep the socializing to the sets of two parents who we like very much and refrain from extended family get togethers. For all I know, they had some gripes and frustrations too (arguments behind the scenes, etc...), maybe just did a better job of hiding it. Lesson learned! Thanks to all who chimed in.

OP i think another important question is: Are you autistic?

(mom of a kid on the spectrum).

You seem to be having trouble understanding pretty run of the mill social dynamics, and I don't think you're actually very close to these other families. They are just families you 'know'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so yes two of the three (of my kids) have either gotten together with or contacted each other in the span of the last 5 years or so. Far and few between but the answer is yes.

Contacted how? Like, pinged on facebook? Once in five years?

But these families never vacationed together?

Think they had a group dinner or two. A few of them played tennis a few times. Thats the extent I know of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why the hell would adult children with their own fiancés want to spend vacation time with their parents’ friends and their children? I thought you were going to be telling a story about ten year olds and tweens not being into it. Your children are adults and surely would prefer to pick who they vacation with. I would have been surly too, if I was being asked to spend all my meals with other random adults I was not friends with. What were the circumstances of your kids coming? Did you ask as them to do you a favor where you would pay for it? And they didn’t realize how much of it would be spending time as a big group with the other families?

The whole thing just seems utterly bizarre that 31 year old children would be part of a “families” vacation organized by the parent generation

+1. WTF, OP. Is this the post-middle age version of keeping up with the Jones? Let’s force my adult kids and their family to ski with strangers so we can all decide who is more lovely and perfect? Are you a troll? Have you lived your entire life like this? Your poor children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you enjoy vacations with just your own family/kids at this point?

I do though they don't happen much anymore since they are all adults. I was thinking maybe we should try a family vacation just our family to see how it goes. My husband likes the idea a lot. My kids are very independent and I realized in looking at those other adult kids, they seem to be much more dependent on the parents and very compliant. Whatever the parents said is pretty much what they did. I guess I am just not used to that.

Some kids love to complain and do the opposite of what they’re told.
That’s not necessarily more “independent”.

Independent would be proposing a cool new thing to do and seeing who else was in, then doing that. Not being belligerent all weekend on an extended family vacation.

Also, bringing along a SO is a whole bag of tricks in and of itself.

Hmm, that doesn't sound independent to me. That sounds like a planner who is a little controlling, and it would annoy me.

To me, independent means someone who prefers to do what they want instead of just going along to get along. I have no problem with someone who decides to go take a shower and rest in their room after skiing, instead of joining everyone in the lodge for board games and snacks. If that's what they'd rather do, why would it bother me? There are times when I might do that too.

Also, why wouldn't an adult in their 20s bring their SO on a week long vacation? I think it's weirder to expect someone that age to NOT bring a SO on a trip like this. Especially when it's apparent that they are not close friends with the another adult kids on the trip. You only get so much vacation time at that age, I would have been nonplussed to spend 5 days of it on a family vacation with other families I was not that close to instead of with the person I was seriously dating at the time. And then what, when I want to go on a trip with my SO in the fall, I'm short on vacation days and we can only do a long weekend? I'd be pretty irritated by that, actually.

to the poster above, correct on all. They were not purposely being mean or spiteful they just literally did not want to do some of the activities, (lunches, dinners) they did do some though.
We went to an indoor place where they had all these sports activities, they only joined us once or twice where the others mostly were there (at least more of the time). Yes they are independent and are independent thinkers. A lot of the planning was done somewhat last minute, dinners were planned ahead of time. Yes bringing the SO was important for them and we had no issues with it. I think as I have done this post it boils down to different family dynamics. My kids are true free thinkers, we raised them that way. So to them, they did nothing wrong.
The other kids of the other 2 families are. much more obedient (if that's the right word), compliant and generally more laid back. Who knows what they told their parents after some of the dinners? Maybe they really let into them the way 2 of mine did. I have no idea. I do know I learned a few good lessons. Won't likely do a big family trip with other families again. I will do a better job of outline the loose game plan ahead of time with them so I do not have false expectations. And will likely just keep the socializing to the sets of two parents who we like very much and refrain from extended family get togethers. For all I know, they had some gripes and frustrations too (arguments behind the scenes, etc...), maybe just did a better job of hiding it. Lesson learned! Thanks to all who chimed in.

OP i think another important question is: Are you autistic?

(mom of a kid on the spectrum).

You seem to be having trouble understanding pretty run of the mill social dynamics, and I don't think you're actually very close to these other families. They are just families you 'know'.

Ha am I autistic? That would be a resounding no. Why would you say that? Genuinely curious. What run of the mill social dynamics am I missing there? I am very close to them (my estimation), see them at least once a month for dinner and sometimes lunches, always celebrate birthdays, is that close enough for you?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have.