Have you ever gone on vacation with another family and left feeling deflated and inferior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your family is the normal and well adjusted family. Your kids know themselves and act accordingly. At that age, they don't need your approval. You've raised them well.

The other families (especially the adult children!) are doing some ingrained performative bullshit. Country Club families are full of this culture. It's weird!


+1
We used to vacation with a family where the kids would always unquestioningly do whatever they were told and my kids were always the “complainers.” Turns out the dad was a total hardass behind closed doors and the kids cooperated so they wouldn’t piss him off. Needless to say we don’t vacation with them anymore.

How hard ass do you have to be about showing up for a meal on a group vacation?

Don't think its being hard ass its being an adult with an opinion. If these kids were say 16 or under it would be expected but really.....why should they have to conform to the plans if they don't feel like going? None of us like feeling pigeonholed do we?

Just communicate ahead of time and do a mix of things. Dont agree and then sulk and mope and No Show like a prick.

What’s this “feel like going” BS?

The time for that was when responding if you are attending or not. Or when the schedule was getting planned and discussed for the day or weekend.

Basic respectful and courteous: you do what you agreed to do.

Otherwise don’t agree and communicate that ahead of time to the group.

Then no one would be talking about this or OP wouldn’t be feeling bad. It’s truly that simple. Manners.

Communicate, and Be responsible for your decisions and behaviors. That’s adulting.

+1

OP and her kids misread the room on this trip.

They need to mature more before doing any more group trips or activities.

Am curious how OP’s fake winter break went a mere two weeks before her fake MLK big ski weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your family is the normal and well adjusted family. Your kids know themselves and act accordingly. At that age, they don't need your approval. You've raised them well.

The other families (especially the adult children!) are doing some ingrained performative bullshit. Country Club families are full of this culture. It's weird!


+1
We used to vacation with a family where the kids would always unquestioningly do whatever they were told and my kids were always the “complainers.” Turns out the dad was a total hardass behind closed doors and the kids cooperated so they wouldn’t piss him off. Needless to say we don’t vacation with them anymore.

How hard ass do you have to be about showing up for a meal on a group vacation?

Just communicate ahead of time and do a mix of things. Dont agree and then sulk and mope and No Show like a prick.

He wasn’t a hard ass about that particular scenario. He was a hard ass in general and the kids knew if they didn’t do as he said they’d be in trouble. The kids are yes men now so they don’t have to deal with him being pissed. It’s just easier to do exactly as he says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the hell would adult children with their own fiancés want to spend vacation time with their parents’ friends and their children? I thought you were going to be telling a story about ten year olds and tweens not being into it. Your children are adults and surely would prefer to pick who they vacation with. I would have been surly too, if I was being asked to spend all my meals with other random adults I was not friends with. What were the circumstances of your kids coming? Did you ask as them to do you a favor where you would pay for it? And they didn’t realize how much of it would be spending time as a big group with the other families?

The whole thing just seems utterly bizarre that 31 year old children would be part of a “families” vacation organized by the parent generation

+1. WTF, OP. Is this the post-middle age version of keeping up with the Jones? Let’s force my adult kids and their family to ski with strangers so we can all decide who is more lovely and perfect? Are you a troll? Have you lived your entire life like this? Your poor children.

absolutely not. They could have said no. They said yes. No one forced anyone. And for the record, for the skiing, we are all different levels. My kids are all experts so went of on their own most of the time. Most of others were beginner or intermediate skiers. Lived my entire life like what? Your message is BIZARRE.

I’m assuming you’re a troll but my question is whether you have lived your entire life vacationing or socializing with acquaintances ( and forcing your kids to do so too) just so you can keep up appearances and remind everyone ( and perhaps yourself) just how wonderful you all are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP did say the adult kids have known each other and are friends. This is probably a family friend child situation from childhood pushed out to adult children. Still though many times those friendships are like cousins. A bit forced and sometimes they click genuinely and sometimes not.

But to answer your question OP yes I’ve been on a group vacation and felt bad about my family and I didn’t go with those people again.

OP here yes kind of like that. Known each other a long time, have grown into different people. I will admit my kids are not the easy going type, they have strong opinions and can even be judgmental at times. I guess in light of seeing the interactions of the other two families, it made me feel like mine was just not jiving and going along with things easily. I mean for 4 days, they could have been a little more flexible (my kids) and did it for us? I don't know maybe my expectations are too high given that they are now adults

Bottom line I probably won't do that again. Might work for some but not for others. Vacations are meant to relax and rejuvenate not leave even more stressed then when you arrive!

Did you discuss your expectations with your children? It sounds like you are perfectly comfortable with your family dynamics but you expected your children to fold in better with the larger group dynamics. It sounds you did not make this explicit and then were disappoint that your kids did not pick up on your cues.

My kids are only teenagers but I absolutely expect them to soften and go with the flow in a group situation. They can be quiet and zone out later, no problem, and i give them plenty of space. But I do expect them to show some social grace as well - I think you are the one who said your kids wont laugh because its' phony? Sounds kinds of haughty to me. As I said, I don't have adult children, but if I did and them didn't seem interested in folding into the group situation, I would be asking myself why i am encouraging them to come and not just a family-only vacation later.

points above are well taken. No really did not discuss with them in advance, other than we had made some plans for dinner, sporting events, etc...I guess I expected they would join in or not, or maybe I knew they would be hardheaded so I didn't want to deal with it then (prior to trip dealing with an ill and aging parent)

Could they have been a little more easy going and go with the flow? Yes, and in fairness one of them was fairly cooperative. To say they won't laugh if they don'd find something funny is haughty is a real stretch however! It implies arrogance. I am this way too, I don't laugh if I genuinely don't find something funny. I think most are this way. Some people have more grace and consideration perhaps. I actually respect people who act like they feel. Nothing wrong with it IMO.

Looking back my mistake was not being clearer about both the plans and my expectations. If I had, perhaps I would never have felt compelled to write his post. and how knows maybe they would not have even come? But I think despite some hiccups, they did have a good time especially getting to ski. Lesson learned.

I used the word haughty because you seemed to want to excuse your kids from laughing when the other kids did. You said pretend or placate, I believe? Your children are adults. They work? Surely they have been in the work place, and if you have not taught them the importance of social grace, they started to see the issues in action. If your kids think they are too good to laugh out of courtesy, then yes, haughty is the word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this type of vacation is not for everyone. And with adult children and their SOs it does sound like a really large and diverse group. It's highly possible that someone will feel that they don't fit in well, thus bowing out of certain activities. The only way such large group vacation can work is when the schedule is loose and not every meal is planned as a meetup occasion.

Maybe your kids had some genuinely not great moments that warrants a talk. More likely the dynamic just does not work for them and rather than feeling anxious and apologizing on their behalf, you could lower your expectation and let them have some space.

My oldest are only teens and it is almost impossible to align well with our adult friends and their children. This is difficult enough with just our own 3 children. I cannot imagine this type of vacation with my adult children and their significant others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this type of vacation is not for everyone. And with adult children and their SOs it does sound like a really large and diverse group. It's highly possible that someone will feel that they don't fit in well, thus bowing out of certain activities. The only way such large group vacation can work is when the schedule is loose and not every meal is planned as a meetup occasion.

Maybe your kids had some genuinely not great moments that warrants a talk. More likely the dynamic just does not work for them and rather than feeling anxious and apologizing on their behalf, you could lower your expectation and let them have some space.

My oldest are only teens and it is almost impossible to align well with our adult friends and their children. This is difficult enough with just our own 3 children. I cannot imagine this type of vacation with my adult children and their significant others.

That reminds of a story one of my colleagues told me years ago. She travelled with HS/college age children and they slept in and stayed up so late at night that it was so difficult to coordinate daytime activities and she was never going to do it again until they became actual adults who woke up on time. (I had a baby didn't truly appreciate until now when I have teens).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is an overbearing immigrant mother based on her posts.

This. I'm the one who has been flagging OP as being the socially challenged person here, but being an immigrant mom who runs a tight ship and doesn't have many "natural" friendships - that would also explain it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is an overbearing immigrant mother based on her posts.

This. I'm the one who has been flagging OP as being the socially challenged person here, but being an immigrant mom who runs a tight ship and doesn't have many "natural" friendships - that would also explain it.

Really? OP seems to be the opposite of tight ship. Did she no natural friendships? (Genuine question, I cannot keep up and she doesnt always identify herself_.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can be hard. Now imagine marrying into a functional family and looking back on your painful childhood and forward to your future encounters with your origin family

Ouch. Wow…that kind of got to me. I never thought of it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your family is the normal and well adjusted family. Your kids know themselves and act accordingly. At that age, they don't need your approval. You've raised them well.

The other families (especially the adult children!) are doing some ingrained performative bullshit. Country Club families are full of this culture. It's weird!


+1
We used to vacation with a family where the kids would always unquestioningly do whatever they were told and my kids were always the “complainers.” Turns out the dad was a total hardass behind closed doors and the kids cooperated so they wouldn’t piss him off. Needless to say we don’t vacation with them anymore.

How hard ass do you have to be about showing up for a meal on a group vacation?

Just communicate ahead of time and do a mix of things. Dont agree and then sulk and mope and No Show like a prick.

He wasn’t a hard ass about that particular scenario. He was a hard ass in general and the kids knew if they didn’t do as he said they’d be in trouble. The kids are yes men now so they don’t have to deal with him being pissed. It’s just easier to do exactly as he says.

My kids are still kids but it isn’t that hard to show up for meals.

My kids bicker and fight and complain. If we have activities planned, they show up. So if we were on a trip with booked activities and meal reservations, they would go, especially if other people are involved.

If it is just our family, not everyone may want to go to the pool or beach. One kid wants to eat at the pool. Another kid wants room service. One kid wants pizza. Another wants sushi. There is always complaining.

When we are with others, they will eat bbq with the group or go out for Mexican even if one kid doesn’t like Mexican. They have always been good with excursions and booked activities. We only book after discussing with them. It is not unreasonable for people on a ski trip to go skiing and eat meals at the same time. I personally don’t ski. I hate cold and do t like heights. I would go to meals, hang out before or after ski time, go to the spa or hang back with others who don’t want to go on slopes for various reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It can be hard. Now imagine marrying into a functional family and looking back on your painful childhood and forward to your future encounters with your origin family

Ouch. Wow…that kind of got to me. I never thought of it that way.

As someone who followed this pattern: going from FOO to happy loving ILs, yes, it’s very hard to look backwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are younger. We are a high functioning family. However, I often feel annoyed and not want to travel again with other families. We may be the family that other families think are tiring or inferior to. We are on a schedule meaning we eat meals at 8, 12 and 6pm. It is hard for us to travel with people who sleep all day or not planners. We always have the most money. Many people we travel with seem totally fine just lounging around and letting their kids be on their iPads.

Who wants to travel with this family?! Don't all line up at once.

[Anonymous]

OP maybe a way to gain something useful from the weekend is to examine the behaviors you noted in the other families and ask yourself what you noticed. Did they communicate better? Plan better? Were they genuinely nicer to each other? It's never easy to note where we fall short, but if you're left feeling inferior, it may just be an indicator of noting where you as a family group can work better together. That's much more productive than feeling shame. Remember we all have room for improvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are younger. We are a high functioning family. However, I often feel annoyed and not want to travel again with other families. We may be the family that other families think are tiring or inferior to. We are on a schedule meaning we eat meals at 8, 12 and 6pm. It is hard for us to travel with people who sleep all day or not planners. We always have the most money. Many people we travel with seem totally fine just lounging around and letting their kids be on their iPads.

Who wants to travel with this family?! Don't all line up at once.

Lots of people like to travel with us. They love to sleep in and let us feed their kids. They like to stay at our vacation home. They love when we take all the kids to the pool or beach first while they get ready. They want to go on our boat. They love when we charter a boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are younger. We are a high functioning family. However, I often feel annoyed and not want to travel again with other families. We may be the family that other families think are tiring or inferior to. We are on a schedule meaning we eat meals at 8, 12 and 6pm. It is hard for us to travel with people who sleep all day or not planners. We always have the most money. Many people we travel with seem totally fine just lounging around and letting their kids be on their iPads.

Who wants to travel with this family?! Don't all line up at once.

Lots of people like to travel with us. They love to sleep in and let us feed their kids. They like to stay at our vacation home. They love when we take all the kids to the pool or beach first while they get ready. They want to go on our boat. They love when we charter a boat.

At least you're honest about what they're there for.